How do I get through to my mom?

Parents Forum
81

<p>Exactly! It is insane. I’d understand commuting if I was saving money, but I’m spending MORE to commute, who in their right mind does that?</p>

<p>If my mom were born and raised here, she would understand living on campus. But since she didn’t the growth and maturity aspects don’t play a big role for her, because in her opinion the only reason someone will live on campus is for drugs, sex, and alcohol, there are no positives in her mind. Essentially my mom is trying to “protect” me from that.</p>

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<p>Is there a substance-free dorm at Pitt? If so, would you be willing to choose that option?</p>

<p>I have to say that I find it rather ironic that a Russian immigrant parent is concerned about alcohol. It seems to me that one of the most distinguishing characteristics of my daughter’s two semesters in Russia, in high school and in college, is that there was a LOT of drinking going on. I’m trying to figure out where in Russia one would go to avoid that.</p>

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<p>All of Pitts freshman residence halls are substance free, so I’d automatically be living in a substance free dorm.</p>

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<p>I’ve read thru this whole thread and empathize </p>

<p>Have you found adults from their circle or community - also immigrants - who have adjusted to the idea of going away to school? Can you approach them to talk with your parents? I think this has been suggested repeatedly on this thread. My daughter had a friend whose family came here from Russia about 1990; they had no issues with their kids going away to school - not every Russian family who has this issue.</p>

<p>When I have reacted irrationally in the past about my older daughter - my younger daughter pulls me in, asking: why do you think her total character will change 180 degrees? When I have been faced with my younger daughter making a bad decision, I have to pull myself back and realize it is a single action, not a lifestyle choice. At 18, they are who they are, and it’s unlikely that their morals and interests and ethics are going to radically change. My dad, also a Russian immigrant (altho many years prior to your parents!), always said: If I haven’t taught you to make your own decisions by the time you were 16, I haven’t done my job</p>

<p>I think there is something else going on with your mom, beyond her concerns about the distance and her fear that you will get mixed up with the wrong crowd. Those are just words, and, I suspect that she knows they are groundless. Assuming that you haven’t been giving her reason to think otherwise, she knows who you are.</p>

<p>We all want to think that parental motivation is based on the parent’s best interests for the kid. But perhaps your mom’s concerns are not focused your best interests at all… perhaps she is self-centered and concerned about herself. Perhaps she is afraid that it may appear to her friends that you are trying to abandon her. Perhaps she is concerned you will date people from a different culture. Perhaps your mother’s mom is still in Russia and has not forgiven your mom for having moved to America…</p>

<p>What has the expectation been all along? Do they expect you to go off and build your own life, or do they expect you to settle down near them? Surely she knew you were applying to Pitt and permitted that…</p>

<p>And, while I don’t think this has been discussed, there are likely gender issues. I don’t know if you are male or female, and what that would mean in your family’s culture… but I’m sure there is an impact.</p>

<p>The ability for kids to evaluate the college options - and for the kid to be comfortable making the decision rather than relying on the parents to decide for them - is a testament to their parents having done a good job. </p>

<p>Perhaps your mom’s reticence to let you move is because she is afraid that she has not done a good job, or hasn’t ‘finished’ parenting you.</p>

85

<p>My moms issue is that she can’t let go, plain and simple. My mom never really separated from my grandma and probably thinks I should be the same way. </p>

<p>Sent from my SGH-T959 using CC App</p>

86

<p>Then be firm and consistent, but not argumentative. And try to focus on the underlying issues that are the real heart of the matter with your mom.</p>

<p>Do mention the dangers inherent in a commute. Would you be driving every day? You might mention concerns about driving – not necessarily in connection with college. Just start to point out the crazy things other people do on the road, if you are with your mom and see a wreck on the road or get stuck in traffic, make a fearful/worried/concerned comment – along the lines of, “wow, that poor driver! I’d hate to be stranded on the side of the road like that!” or “oh my god, I hope no one was seriously injured! I wonder if was a teenager driving that car?”. If you drive now, you could make comments when you get home along the lines of “I’m so tired. I hate driving when I am worn out like this – I’m so afraid that I’m going to nod off or get distracted and get into an accident!” </p>

<p>If you don’t drive and would have to take the bus to commute, then of course you will have to scour the papers looking for reports of bus accidents. :wink: </p>

<p>At the same time, whenever the subject of Pitt comes up in any way, you can say something along to reassure your mom that you will call every day, that you will come home to visit regularly, etc. </p>

<p>Don’t be too heavy handed about all of this. You just want to kind of nudge your mom into the direction of being more fearful of the commute than of the distance.</p>

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<p>Nudging won’t work with my mom, she’s stubborn like crazy, I don’t even know what will work. Its as if theres a brick wall in front of her the only says Drexel. </p>

<p>She thinks she can control me, and pull my strings all the time. All I want to do is make MY own decisions, especially when it comes to college, I don’t need my moms forced opinion. This is supposed to be a happy time for everyone, my friends parents were proud of them, and excited, my parents? My parents only guilt tripped me, pressured me, and have made these past months a living hell. How am I supposed to go to college, and be excited, when they have put all this guilt on me? Its ridiculous!</p>

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<p>All of the parents on here are rooting for you.</p>

<p>What happens if you sit down with them and say: “I love you both and love our family, but I am going to the University of Pittsburgh. It is the better place for me to be as an undergraduate. I will be sending my deposit [fill in day]”? </p>

<p>Once the decision is made and set in motion, perhaps they will adjust. They will have all summer. When my daughter was making her decision, I told her that if she wanted to go to the pricier school, she had to tell her father that that was her wish (he would have supported the decision, but she had to tell him). She took the money and went to Pitt.</p>

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<p>@iphonehacker… I feel for you and your situation. But your posts are leaning more towards whining child, and less towards young adult. </p>

<p>There have been many constructive suggestions here.</p>

<p>I’m hearing that you are continuing emotional interactions with your parents; they are child-parent confrontations. In order to be treated as an adult, you need to behave as an adult, and have adult-adult conversations.</p>

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<p>Mtpaper, easier said than done… I am almost 50 years old, and my parents still can reduce me to a whining kid (or at least feeling like the power imbalance puts me in that position) in seconds flat. I do think the OP needs to keep a tight rein on his emotions if possible and follow as many of the suggestions out here as he can. But it does not sound like his parents are listening to reason…</p>

<p>IPH, you have only mentioned your dad in passing. Is he of the same opinion as your mom (or as strongly)? Any possibility of a divide and conquer strategy here? He probably has a lot of practice at dealing with your mom’s stubborness.</p>

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<p>I’m saying that you don’t have to let her pull your strings. You don’t have to let yourself be caught up in the emotion of it.</p>

<p>When I asked whether your parents would refuse to pay for Pitt, you said your mom said so but she was bluffing. </p>

<p>If you know or truly believe that she is bluffing… that your parents will pay for Pitt - then simply remove yourself from the debate and act on the assumption. Send in a deposit to Pitt. Now.</p>

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<p>^^^^^ No, no, no, don’t do this. That move could be so infuriating that it might blow any chance you might have. Even reasonable people might consider that to be an outright deal-breaker.</p>

<p>More importantly, that’s not the mature way to go about it, and you need to establish yourself on an adult level here. You need to treat this in an adult-to-adult fashion, and that means being upfront, not underhanded.</p>

<p>Tell them that you have decided for Pitt, and back up your decision with facts. Back it up, and stick to your position tenaciously but respectfully. If there’s a possibility that they will ultimately fund Pitt, this is the way to get there.</p>

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<p>Good post MisterK. Look at College Navigator for facts. </p>

<p>Why can’t you go to Pitt and be financially independent? </p>

<p>You said something along the lines of you are in a trap or your mom is controlling you. In the long run, this doesn’t seem to be the case. Though college you can gain financial independence and then leave home, but without college… you would probably be at your parents mercy forever.</p>

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<p>Once again, I greatly appreciate everyone’s support here! Thank you all very much!</p>

<p>Anyway, I took my time yesterday to make a spreadsheet comparing costs of Pitt to Drexel factoring in tuition interest, housing, commuting, etc. The difference between Pitt and Drexel over 4 years came out to a whopping $47,000. I showed my mom, and she doesn’t think it’s a big deal because she thinks that Drexel’s co-op program will guarantee me a job when I graduate, which isn’t true. The thing is that Pitt also has a co-op program for engineering students, which they talked about when we visited, but my mom throws that out!</p>

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<p>So if there is info on the Pitt website about their co-op program, print it out for her. I know she isn’t being real rational here, but all you can do is keep calmly feeding her solid factual information that offsets the concerns she raises.</p>

<p>I don’t think you answered the question about your dad’s opinion. Mostly you have talked about her, but at one point you referred to a discussion with your parents. Also… sometimes (not always, I know this as a single mom!) dads have more to do with paying the bills, and your argument about the financial difference might sway your dad more than it does your mom. And if you can sway him, he might be able to help you with her. Just another avenue…</p>

<p>Also… do you have any other adult relatives (aunts, uncles, friends of your parents) that might be sympathetic to you? You could share your research with them, and see if you can get them to make a few comments in your favor.</p>

<p>See, as irrational as your mom is being, she is probably like most people in this one way. When people hear an idea from one source, they often discount the information. But if they hear it from multiple sources (especially ones they consider trustworthy), they can come around to a new way of thinking. Even if it is exactly the same information. I think it is just one of the ways humans process information, we subconciously think something is more credible if we hear it from more sources.</p>

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<p>Regarding my dad: my dad pretty much follows any of my mom’s opinions. If my mom says one thing, my dad will follow, so talking to my dad doesn’t help my situation. My uncle was in agreement with me, but my mom convinced most of my family that Drexel is only a “little more” expensive than Pitt. The only person left in my immediate family who supports me is my cousin, ironically the same one that commutes.</p>

<p>I bring up the facts, like how Pitt has a co-op program, where I will also get more experience (1yr vs 6months at Drexel), but she fights back the facts with illogical reasoning such as that after Drexel I’ll be guaranteed a job, and after Pitt I’ll be working at McDonalds.</p>

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<p>If I were you, I’d still take a shot at the “dad” route. If he has not seen the cost difference, show him your spreadsheet (and the printout of coop information). Even if he lets her take the lead, it is his retirement money she is spending on your education, too, if she forces you to go to Drexel. I would do this while she is not around… just tell him that the facts don’t really back up what she is saying, and you can’g figure out how to get around what seems like a purely emotional perspective on her part. The worst that can happen is that he can say that he agrees with her…</p>

<p>Some colleges print statistics of where various majors are working after graduation from their most recent graduating classes. Maybe do a web search (or call the career office on each campus) to try to get this info for engineering majors.</p>

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<p>I tried talking with my dad, didn’t work.</p>

<p>To top things off, my mom figured she’d made an appointment to Drexel on Friday without my knowledge. It’s as if I have no say in my OWN life. I don’t get why my mom can’t understand that I don’t want to go to DREXEL!</p>

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<p>So… are you going to go with her on Friday? Or let her visit on her own, since it is clearly her dream school and not yours? I normally do not encourage civil disobedience… but it is an option. I am sure there are other posters out here who will encourage you to “be reasonable, go along, etc.”. But I think you have been overly reasonable and logical to date, and it isn’t working.</p>

<p>And… she understands perfectly well that you don’t want to go to Drexel. But she has the idea in her head that (1) she knows better than you do, and (2) she is in control, probably because she has at least some of the finances in her control that you need for either option. You have only a short time until you need to make a deposit… from what you say, it does not appear that your parents are going to help with a deposit or funding for your first year if you go to Pitt. If you really want to go to Pitt, you need to get serious about alternate plans for making those payments.</p>

100

<p>@Googoo-</p>

<p>Generally, students cannot claim to be independent of their parents until they are 24 years of age or older. </p>

<p>Other parents may know about this than I do . . .</p>