I am the second oldest of six from my mother. When I was a kid, she was deep into drug addiction and let some pretty horrible things happen to me and my siblings. I then did not see her for a couple years, and started to have limited visits to my mother when she was in rehab.
By the time I was in high school, I had a really hard time because I went to an inner city school with teachers and peers who didn’t care about me. My dad suffers from depression and PTSD and wasn’t able to care for me very attentively. At that point I fought to live with my mother because i craved a relationship with her, and who by the time I had asked to live with her had been almost 5 years out of rehab and living with her fiance. My dad, knowing her for who she is, did not want me to. I moved with my grandma instead for sophomore year but eventually i junior year I moved in with my mother.
Those two years I lived with her have been absolutely horrible. She emotionally abused me, verbally abused me, and living with her I realized that she had very bad bipolar disorder, anxiety, control issues, impulse issues, depression and anxiety. She also began to relapse a few times when I was living with her. She constantly grounded me, constantly yelled at me and told me that if I was so depressed I should just kill myself. I eventually did try to commit suicide, and she responded by cutting off all the contact I had with anyone including my therapist. When I disclosed in our therapy together that a reason i held resentment for her was because she was high and let abuse happen to my siblings and I and did not do anything when we disclosed to her (we were children then) she responded by getting mad at me, she yelled at me and grounded me… again.
This abuse hit its peak my senior year right before I graduated. She physically beat me (i had a black eye) after my birthday because she was angry I went to bed after she flipped out on me. I was trying to de escalate the situation by leaving but anyway. After that, I only had two weeks tops until graduation and I was kicked out after I graduated.
Bare with me, I know this is long. I want you guys to have background to understand my concerns. Anyway, I tried to maintain some contact when I went to college. I helped take care of my younger brothers, but it was difficult because I was 40 min away and at college. She started to get deeper into addiction issues. I was sexually assaulted and became pregnant by my at the time boyfriend, and when I disclosed to my mother she blamed me for what happened and told me that having an abortion was just making me feel guilty. She continued to have my abuser around, inviting him to our christmas dinner. She paid him to watch and give basketball lessons to my youngest brother. She paid all his outstanding traffic tickets off, and when I asked her to stop contact with him because it was hurting me she said that she disowned me. This was all very traumatic for me. Later I heard from friends that he was bragging about having sex with my mother as well… and after that I have not talked to her since. (Jan 2016)
Fast forward to now. I have not talked to her, even though she has made a few attempts to say sorry. She used to do that when I lived with her, and he cycle of abuse just kept getting worse. I have probably PTSD, but at the very least I am extremely damaged from my relationship with my mother and I do not want to have her in my life at all. She is obsessive and does not know boundaries, so I have kept everything hidden from her: where i go to school, where i live, where i work, etc.
My problem is that my oldest younger brother is graduating from high school soon. I really love my siblings and I want to be there for him. How can I attend his graduation and avoid conflict/contact with my mother as much as possible? Is it a bad idea to even try? How can I let my brother understand that as much as I want to go, it could be really bad for my mental health?
Sorry for such a long post. I’ve been thinking about this a lot.
