<p>Bravo, Bravo to your daughter! Search “rascal flatts stand official music video” on YouTube. Make it her theme song. I’m so proud of her. :)</p>
<p>It’s really unfortunate that involvement with alcohol and drugs is such a social dividing line in high school. It wasn’t that way at all for us, even in the 60s. Nowadays, it seems that you are in with the partiers, or you’re not. This was the case for my daughter in high school as well, but fortunately for us, there were several other girls- her group of friends- who did not drink, and so there was a social alternative. If your school doesn’t have another group to fit into, it would be very lonely indeed.</p>
<p>You should be proud of your daughter for being true to her values. I know it’s “normal” for high school kids to drink, but it’s illegal, for pete’s sake, and they have a lot to lose by flaunting this behavior. She’s sad because she’s lost her friends. Who wouldn’t be. I think all you can do is be supportive. Mom can’t really replace her friends. </p>
<p>At this point, do you know of any other girls that she’s been friendly with in the past that aren’t involved with these particular kids who she could go out with- an old friend from elementary perhaps? It’s tough though. I remember.</p>
<p>Jilliebean, do count your blessings. What a wonderful daughter, and it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. </p>
<p>I was in your shoes one year ago. And I can’t believe how quickly DD’s first year of college went by. Your daughter will get through this and it sounds like she is on the right track.</p>
<p>Have you tried focusing with her on the future? What are you D’s plans this summer? It sounds like these aren’t friends she should want anyway so maybe it’s time to look at social opportunities at the college she will attend. Will she join a sorority there? Then maybe you can help her learn about rush. Can she pick out some items for her dorm room? Research professors on pickaprof? Anything to focus on the future, because high school (and particularly all of this senior stuff) is such a non-issue in about 8 weeks.</p>
<p>Although I agree with your suggestions, givings, I wouldn’t be surprised if part of the hurt is that these kids actually are friends she wants, even if they are drinking. They are probably pretty good kids, overall, and they were people she liked, or she wouldn’t have been friends with them all along. Kids can be really dumb about this stuff- trying so hard to be cool and grown-up.</p>
<p>I think it’s very possible that some of the better friends will “come back” after graduation. Once they are in college, i bet that her closest friends will still want to be friends. Kids do grow up.</p>
<p>I am glad that there are kids out there strong enough to do this. I also am ashamed of those other kids. </p>
<p>I did not use drugs. I always left the scene when the drugs came out. It didn’t hurt my social life any, but then I was odd in that I did not care about that. But kids do and there are kids who do ostracize too. I really don’ t know what to say to make someone in that situation feel better.</p>
<p>I hear you, Jilliebean. My D has lost several friends because she doesn’t drink. She says she’s not preachy about it, but there have been times she’s called people trying to get together and they’ll say they have plans, but they won’t invite her to join them because “you wouldn’t want to go.” Her former best friend apparently went over to the dark side this spring, they don’t even speak any more - apparently she’s too cool for D, now that she’s spending her weekends at beer and pot parties. </p>
<p>It stinks, but as you know your D made the right decision. It may be a long, quiet summer but it will end with a whole new group of people and experiences at college!</p>
<p>My DD had a similar experience. She worked hard planning her school’s prom, ended up troubleshooting during the whole event and then her BF didn’t want to go to the after party where her friends were. She had made her closest friends promise not to drink so she wouldn’t be alone not drinking and then her friends got drunk and she had to take the keys from one of her friends who thought she could drive to the store in the middle of the night. All in all, a pretty bad experience. She ended up expressing her anger to them later. Flash forward six years. She’s still friends with them, she has a million more friends from college and never felt the need to compromise there even though a lot of kids did drink at her campus. It’s hard to imagine life goes on past prom and senior year when you’re there but it does. Maybe if you share some of the stories of from this thread of other kids who ended up fine after the fact, it will give her some perspective.</p>
<p>"I know it’s “normal” for high school kids to drink, "</p>
<p>Wow. For all the insane homework, for all the pushy parents, for all the ivy obsessions, at least theres some things to be thankful for about a science tech magnet. We’ve been living in a bubble.</p>
<p>Maybe I should have said “common” instead of normal. Sad, but true.</p>
<p>OP, hugs to your D. I’m sure her disillusionment with her friends stings the most right now. If it’s any consolation to your D, my S and his non-partying friends (at a variety of schools) have found that in college, people don’t care if you drink or not.</p>
<p>I hate after-prom stuff. Shouldn’t the prom be enough?? Never seems to be enough supervision (or any) at these things.</p>
<p>I don’t understand why anyone would even care whether a friend abstains from drinking/drugging, whatever. I agree with those who say they were probably not very good friends to begin with. She can do better, and in a few months, when she sets foot on her new college campus, she probably will :)</p>
<p>What a smart and courageous daughter! She’s a fine, independent young woman who refuses to succumb to peer pressure!</p>
<p>She was strong when she walked out of the party, and will be as strong getting thru the aftermath. </p>
<p>She has years of more exciting things ahead of her, including real friendships!</p>
<p>So proud of her; good luck to both of you!</p>
<p>OP I suspect that some of those kids got in trouble after the party and are blaming her, unfairly, for snitching. Just leaving a party is not enough for most kids to ostracize friends. </p>
<p>On the other hand, is it really so bad to be labeled a snitch? What about the poster who hints that your daughter may have expressed disapproval and therefore, implicitly, deserves ostracism! If she saw dangerous behavior that would need adult intervention expressing disapproval and snitching would have been the absolute right thing to do. If I were one of the parents of the ectasy using kids you are damn right I would want to know! If I were the parent hosting the party I would want to know! Think about it…shouldn’t you be calling the other parents? Wouldn’t you want to be called if your daughter had been using drugs or drinking …both crimes and punishable under the law and potentially physically harmful? </p>
<p>Fear of being labeled a snitch seems to keep kids and parents from doing the right thing.</p>
<p>I was absolutely horrified when one mother told me how her son had left a party with no adult supervision disgusted that his friends were intentionally spiking drinks to get girls drunk to take advantage of them. When he came home from the party, he told her about girls passed out in the bedrooms being undressed etc…She congratulated him on being such a good kid, walking away and boasted of his greatness (much like all the other posters are doing for the courage of this young woman to walk away from the party!)…But the mother of said courageous boy did NOTHING to protect those girls and defended her inaction because her son would have been labeled a snitch, the house wasn’t hers and the kids weren’t hers…I thought her inaction was as criminal as that of the boys in that house! We have a responsibilty as adults to protect young people from their own inexperience and dangerous choices…all of us, all the time, without caring if we are labeled busy bodies or snitches. </p>
<p>I did have a parent call me once about some things she saw on my daughter’s facebook through her daugher’s facebook page that she thought were perhaps dangerous–personal information, photos, etc. I was aware of them, but appreciated that I had perhaps underestimated the dangers of the internet and sat with D to review all of the material, privacy settings, etc. I thanked her for her concern and for calling me. My daughter was highly offended at first, angry at her friend for sharing stuff with mom, mom was a busy body…etc. but cooled off when she could see that it was motivated by caring and by me not going nuts, just saying…lets look at that facebook page together and making a joint decision what to keep, what to drop. The girls remained friends, and when I went out of the country that was the mom I called on for watching my daughter and daughter was very happy to spend a long weekend with friend…the girls are traveling together, alone out of the country this year…I think the girl and her mother have the values that I respect…not about what is appropriate for facebook, necessarily…but about personal responsibility and responsibility for others…</p>
<p>OP you should really think about whether you should have called parents, particularly those hosting the party. Your daughter may be courageous but I am afraid your inaction was a poor example of adult responsibility in the face of peer pressure.</p>
<p>“OP you should really think about whether you should have called parents, particularly those hosting the party. Your daughter may be courageous but I am afraid your inaction was a poor example of adult responsibility in the face of peer pressure.”</p>
<p>^fineartsmajormom,</p>
<p>Are you serious? So you are accusing the OP of being a “poor example of adult responsibility?” So this whole issue is her fault? If she had called the police, her daughter would have been upset with her friends but bitter at her mom. A lose-lose.</p>
<p>With all due respect, I think this is a case of you blaming the victim.</p>
<p>All you can say is that college is so much better, and she can leave the HS drama at home. The kids who are leaving her out are either scared she will say something or think she has. No real words will sooth things over. They are NOT good friends and they do NOT have her back. Thank goodness the party was not raided. Thank goodness graduation is not at risk. It could have ended sooooooooooo badly. </p>
<p>She needs some distractions, she could use a get-away after graduation if possible. She needs to hurry up and move on and realize that those HS friends won’t matter that much in the long run. Until that happens, love her. Maybe have that talk about what you know. Try to find ways to keep her busy. I think you should tell her what you know…</p>
<p>I am not blaming the mom for the kid having mean and immature friends; rather, I think the mom should have called the parents that hosted the party to let them know of dangerous behavior in their home involving their kid. So OPs kid will be bitter at mom because already lousy friends become even lousier enemies…please! I am not my daughter’s friend…I am her parent…and it should not influence me that my daughter would be “bitter” that she is rejected by really bad “friends” because I called their parents about their dangerous behavior…excuse me? since when does my fear of my daughter’s disappointment allow me to abdicate my responsibility as an adult and parent? It seems to me that to endorse and support her daughter’s correct decision to leave the party the OP needs to inform the parents of the teen who hosted the party that drugs were served. </p>
<p>ASK yourself…what would you want if it was YOUR kid who had drugs in YOUR house…would you want the OP to not call you so that mom-daughter relationship could be maintained? would you? Would you have chosen not to intervene in the potential rape of young teenagers at the party I wrote about because you would worry that your son would be bitter and embarrassed and lose his friends if you had marched over there and put a stop to the party, taken the girls home? I can promise you that every parent of every girl at that party would have been eternally thankful for the intervention of the parent and the boy, yes, would have been reviled by all of the really “cool” (read at best, seriously misguided at worse, sexual predator) guys at the HS. If my son were disappointed with me being a responsible adult and ruining his social life…well, get over it. Also, I think he would shut up if I pointed out that those girls are someone’s sister, someone’s daughter…what if it were his adored little sister in that situation…what would he want other people to do…</p>
<p>What you are essentially saying is that it is “not my problem…my own child’s happiness and mom-daughter relationship is more important than the health and well being of other people’s kids, especially when they are mean, petty and using drug kids…” If you feel comfortable saying that out loud, then you probably can live with yourself if the drug-using kids get jailed, kicked out of college, or worse. You can feel this waysince, after all, you are not their parent and they were mean to your kid anyway. Honestly, I see every kid, even the mean and nasty ones, as some other parent’s most cherished human being and I think, what if he/she were mine…what would I want the other parent to do… that is what I am asking the OP to consider…</p>
<p>FWIW, it’s not just the girls. Our son had a lonely senior year because he didn’t drink, didn’t want to get busted at a drinking party and kicked off his varsity team, and didn’t find drunk people very interesting. College took care of the problem.</p>
<p>On the subject of communicating concerns with parents: this is not always such a black and white situation. The risk that would concern me most is that my child would stop consulting and confiding in me if he/she learned that I had shared info with another parent and that parent then told others where the information came from. Yes, I do have a responsibility to my community. But if my actions interfere with my ability to be an effective parent, that has to be considered, too.</p>
<p>A good friend shared a concern with another parent. My friend asked the other parent to keep the identity of the informant to herself when she discussed the situation with the daughter. This did not happen. End result: the daughter was furious with her friend for telling the first mom and complained to all of their mutual friends about it. Most important: my friend’s daughter felt betrayed and stopped confiding in her mother.</p>
<p>Now, something as severe as the non-consensual sex described above? That overrides everything. But most situations are not that extreme.</p>
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<p>Which poster are you referring to? Are you referring to my post, where I questioned how OP’s D handled her departure or how vocal was she about her disapproval (if any). If that’s the post you are talking about, there is at no point did I say her daughter deserved to be ostracized. Please learn to read first.</p>
<p>Well, if she’s a senior then I’d feel very glad that she can soon be well away from her “friends.”</p>
<p>If not, then I’d just let her know that her choice of friends is turning out to be really bad and she needs new ones. It is she who should be doing the rejecting - they are the losers.</p>