<p>One example:
American parenting values include emotional nurturing, nearly unconditional pride and support, and accounts for a change in the relationship between parent and child when the child becomes an adult.</p>
<p>This is not the case in many cultures of immigrants which often come into the US. In many of those cultures, everybody lived with profound emotional trauma, so one is expected to simply suck it up and deal with it because everyone’s life was sh1t. Counseling, therapy, and psychological/psychiatric help are completely ludicrous concepts. There is also often an expectation that respect and pride can only be earned by being outstanding in the parents’ eyes. Many cultures also make little differentiation in the parent-child relationship when the child is an adult.</p>
<p>Thus, a child needing emotional nurturing is seen as weak, a child who is not a prodigy is seen as unremarkable and average, and a child who wants to be treated like an adult is seen as rebellious and disrespectful.</p>
<p>I am a parent and I think you should tell your parents how much they hurt you and how you are uncomfortable with them suddenly doing the parent thing like you haven’t already done all of the work getting into school, etc. A day late and a dollar short. It makes me crazy how people always talk about how others close to them hurt them but never say anything. You don’t have to be mean or nasty but how are people going to know how they affect others if they never tell them.</p>
<p>At some point of your life you will miss their nagging and “unappropriate” worrying, although it is very hard for you to see now. Enjoy while it lasts.</p>
<p>Congratulations on your full ride to your dream school. Now sit back and really think about how your parents helped you to get there. I am in the minority here, but in my opinion, you sound like you still have growing up to do if you fail to see your parents role in creating the person that you have become.</p>
<p>Your post sounds like a 21 year old who thinks he knows more than his parents because he is on his way up. Try to keep in mind that every generation wants to see their kids accomplish more than they have. Your parents may not have supported your desire to work and find yourself, most parents would not prefer the way you had gone (if they are being honest).
It worked out well for you and now you want to say I told you so…sounds to me like you are giving your parents the heave ho. When a kid (yes, you are your parents’ kid) takes on this type of attitude they are usually a couple years younger than you. At the age of 21 you should be beyond the point of the feelings you are holding on to. Let your parents celebrate with you… they are not strangers, they are the people that gave birth to you and loved you your whole life. Try letting go of your disappointment in them for not being the parents you wanted. It sounds like they tried to do the same in regard to you. They supported you by giving you a roof to live under while you were finding your path and now that you have the full ride you are basically saying go to #%#$. There may come a day when you realize that the people who really celebrate you and your accomplishments will be your parents.</p>
<p>It broke my heart to hear some of the things your parents said. I would be very hurt, too. And I would be angry to hear them taking credit for my accomplishments after initially being so dismissive. You have vented. Now take a >deep breath.<</p>
<p>Congratulations on the full ride to your dream school. Think about the adage “Living well is the best revenge” and take the “high road” toward letting go some of the hurt feelings toward your parents. I’m sure that they are also experiencing a mixture of emotions as you head off. You will be away in college, wrapped up in your studies. It’s amazing how healing time & distance can be - for you and for your parents. </p>
<p>There is a point at which a person cannot just ‘move on’ from unpleasant treatment from their parents. Openly mocking a child’s ambition and trying to convince the child that he/she will not amount to much is past this point. This cannot be forgiven willy-nilly and cannot be covered up on their part by deciding to play nice for now. The OP went through significant and valid turmoil (not just whiny teenage angst) because his/her parents practically laughed in the face of his/her ambition. To pretend it never happened is to simply avoid the deep emotional rift in this parent-child relationship and invite more trouble later on.</p>
<p>The situation does not call for revenge, but it does call for a firm restructuring of the OP’s relationship with his/her parents.</p>
<p>^^^^ I totally disagree with your statement. The OP should move on in an adult way which includes being thankful and understanding. He can be perfect when he has children.</p>
<p>I have reread the original post from the OP, and his parents sound like they were trying to put some reality into the situation. You were very lucky that things turned out the way they did because this forum is filled with kids that did not get a full ride to anywhere. Just because the OP had his feelings hurt, it does not mean that his parents were wrong. They saw a kid who seemed to be floundering who had big ideas and possibly no realistic view of things…they were frustrated (as most parents would be).</p>
<p>This is not a matter of his parents not being perfect. This is a matter of them being mean-spirited and mocking. </p>
<p>There are ways of telling one’s children that they need to be realistic. Saying ‘you’re an idiot’ and ‘it’s hopeless, quit being stupid’ are not proper ways. They may not have known a better way, and that is certainly a consideration the OP needs to have when talking to them, but it does not make their behaviour acceptable.</p>
<p>I agree that just because the OP had his feelings hurt doesn’t mean that his parents were wrong. The fact that he was in a magnet programme, that he had the support of experienced teachers, and that he managed to get a full scholarship to his dream school in spite of their best efforts–all when they were treating him like a mediocre student and an immature, whiny teenager-- proves that they are wrong.</p>
<p>I’m not saying that OP should cut ties with his parents, but instead that he should tell them that while he appreciates that they have sustained him throughout his life, their treatment of him during the college application process was wholly unacceptable. Moreover, he is now an adult who has accomplished a great deal on his own, and unless they start treating him like an adult and treating him with respect, his relationship with them is going to greatly suffer and they will not be as much a part of his life as they would otherwise want to be. </p>
<p>I imagine that a great many students want to tell their parents this sort of thing. OP is one of the few who has the leverage to make it a reality. If he doesn’t, he risks a relationship with his parents that is mutually miserable.</p>
<p>^^^^ I am sure his parents had a great deal to do with his entering the magnet highschool. They were the ones who probably found out about the school and encouraged him to test for it, and participate in the information program. They sound like they probably did a great job or this kid would not be sitting where he is.</p>
<p>I am sorry but all this crap about terrible parents saying the wrong thing really gets my hair in a dither. What about this kid saying all the wrong things?Parents take too much heat on this forum when people do not even understand the circumstances. It is time to grow up!!! When kids grow up their parents will treat them like adults.</p>
<p>The only thing suggesting that the parents are unjustly criticised here is your assumption that a) the parents were actually wonderfully supportive, and b) the OP was acting like a whiny teenager, neither of which is supported by the circumstances here.</p>
<p>I have a good deal of experience with incongruence between immigrant parents and their high-achieving child who grew up like an American. Many American parents cannot fathom other parents not being as supportive as possible towards their children. Thus, when a kid complains of unsupportive parents in this situation, they think the kid is just being whiny. But there are often some serious issues, as there appear to be here, which will continue to fester and be toxic until they are firmly confronted.</p>
<p>IBfootballer…It seems that you are implying that because the OP has immigrant parents that makes them unsupportive. I know many immigrant parents and they are very supportive of their children however they do not coddle their children as American parents do. Just because a child is not coddled that does not mean that they are unsupportive or treated in a harsh manner. Your post is rather judgemental and your experience with this may be very short sighted. </p>
<p>With each reading of the OPs post I am certain that his behavior is out of line. At the age of 21 he should be mature enough to realize that he is going off to college and will be on his own. Does he need to drive the point home that they did not “support” him during his quest to find himself. Lets get real here…he is 21.</p>
<p>^^^
Excellent point…while the parents may have said some terrible things while upset (and if we’re honest we’ll all admit to having done this at some point), I’d be surprised if the OP hasn’t said some pretty bad things to his/her parents. Given the depth of hostility on his/her part, it’s probably a given.
What people who are not yet parents sometimes fail to appreciate, is the level of fear we often live with, with respect for our childrens futures. The picture the OP paints of the parents here show two people who’ve had pretty difficult lives who have succeeded in spite of the odds being heavily stacked against them. I imagine that from the time their child was born, they vowed to work hard to give that child the easier path in life they were denied and central to that dream was going directly from a high school diploma to a university degree.
When the child seemed to scorn what they worked so hard to achieve in favor of a more unconventional path (even to college educated American parents), is it surprising that they reacted with panic and outrage?
I’m thrilled for the OP that the plan he/she came up with actually worked out but I also think that it was a fairly high-risk strategy that just doesn’t work so well for the majority of high school graduates who find the state school unworthy of their attendance, but whose parents just can’t afford anything else. Remember that parents aren’t legally or morally required to finance an elite college education, even if they do have a high income.
Don’t get me wrong; I cringed when I read some of the things the OP had to hear from his parents when they were obviously upset but whatever else they were, it was certainly not disinterested or disengaged. It’s sad that the OP has such negative feelings toward them (and has had even before the college war flared up) but whatever their failings, it’s clear to me that his/her parents love their child very much and are very happy with the success that’s been achieved.
What’s wrong with them feeling proud and showing it?</p>
<p>^^^And as I stated earlier, had the parents not voiced their pride and happiness, they would probably have been criticized as still not being supportive. Even the OP admitted that in that regard, they were in a lose-lose situation.</p>
<p>The parents had a right to voice an opinion as the OP lived in their home. Sounds like the problem is in how they did it.</p>
<p>The bottom line is there is tension and resentment on the part of the OP which will need to get resolved if this family is ever to have a happy, mutually beneficial relationship. This will probably mean having some open discussion with hopefully everyone owning their role in all of this, and defining boundaries for the future.</p>
<p>Parents from the background described often have a hard time getting to the kind of relationship their Americanized children want. The OP needs to meet them half way and understand that they are a product of their experience and will not dramatically change. But the parents also need to meet him half way, trust him with his future and stop the negativity or they will be cut out of his life.</p>
<p>I agree with Momma Three in that your situation could have turned out much differently - and often does, which is what your parents were fearful of.</p>
<p>The “hurtful” things they said to you were not meant to hurt you, they were meant to produce a course of action that your parents felt would lead to the best possible outcome. They were trying to guide you to the best possible future in the only way they knew how.</p>
<p>Congratulations to you for having the talent and industry to make your dreams come true. You should be proud of your accomplishments.</p>
<p>Now, for your sake as much as your parents, forgive them for the imperfections that make them human. If you saw a friend of yours in the situation you describe, you might very well find the parent’s actions sweet, touching or cute - silly at the very worst. Your annoyance is from a bygone time in your life, let it go. You have a future to work on, not all of that work will be easy, and sometime in the not too distant future you may want to call home for the kind of advice you can’t imagine you will ever want or need.</p>
<p>OP, first of all, congratulations. Your accomplishments are very impressive by any standard, in any culture. </p>
<p>If you were to put words to your parents present actions (or if they could say what they are feeling/thinking instead of showing them by actions), what do you think those words would be? It seems to me – and I could be wrong – that they are in some sense acknowledging that you are going off on a great adventure and that maybe, even at this obviously late date, that they are trying to wish you well and be part of it. Maybe they realize that you are leaving and they are scared you will be gone forever and they are making some kind of attempt to connect. I can understand your deep frustration and hurt, but wouldn’t it be worse if they were totally apathetic? It might be helpful to try to understand what their actions mean for them, not just how they seem to you, and then decide what you want to do with that. I would caution you not to do or say anything you can’t take back at this particular point in time. You can always do that later, if you so choose, but it might be wise to wait until you are on your own and can gain a little perspective away from them. </p>
<p>I wish you all of the best in your new ventures! You are lucky to have found your passion and to be pursuing it!</p>
<p>I think you want to tread very carefully here. Picking a fight practically on the eve of your departure simply seems terribly unproductive. It won’t change the past, it won’t matter for your day-to-day life in the near future (since your parents won’t be nearby), but it might profoundly affect your relationship with your parents down the road. And you might not remain as mad at them now as you are at the moment. </p>
<p>My parents aren’t immigrants, but their outlook was formed by their tough, poor childhoods, and they are the opposite of tactful. When, in college, I changed my major from one that offered lots of career opportunities to one that seemed silly and impractical to my father, he was furious. I was flushing my future down the toilet, according to him. We hardly talked at all for the rest of my undergraduate years, nor while I was in graduate school–just avoided each other at any family event. Only after I got my PhD and began a successful career in my chosen field did he relax. Now, decades later, we have a close, loving relationship. I’m very, very glad I didn’t cut this tie (although I must say, if I had popped off and told him what I really thought when I was at my most resentful, I doubt it would have upset him all that much; hurtful words just don’t register with him.) My dad does not share my politics, my religion, or my taste in just about anything, but he is my father after all and the longer I live the more I see the ways in which I resemble him.</p>
<p>Moreover. Although I happened to luck out career-wise, I’ve had plenty of students who have not beaten the odds, and now I’m a parent too, worried about my own kids as they head toward adulthood. All this has given me a lot more sympathy for my dad’s original POV; he cared about my wellbeing, even though the ways he expressed this care were pretty annoying at the time.</p>