<p>N.B. I’ve taken some license with the details for privacy, but all the key points are in.</p>
<p>Warning: Long, upset post.</p>
<p>Hi wise parents of CC, I normally post under a different name but had to create a new account to let off some steam pseudo-anonymously. I’ve been thinking about posting this thread for a long time, and I guess it’s gotten too much for me. I’m a rising college freshman, and have been feeling very frustrated with my parents and family this summer.</p>
<p>We’re solidly middle-class, own our own home and do not have much debt. I’ve always had a roof over my head and food on the table. My parents grew up working-class and received vocational educations, and I recognize it’s not easy for them to have reached the standard of living we have now. In that respect, I can’t complain. I know many, many people are much less fortunate than me.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, my relationship with my parents has always been defined by apathy and a lack of emotional connection. My parents have never been huge influences on me. Our beliefs and values are very different, and we’ll leave it at that.</p>
<p>When I began looking at colleges, I was told that if I intended to attend any college with a higher COA than the state flagship, I would have to find merit money to cover the full COA. I told them I understood, but I didn’t want to attend State U because it was a poor academic and social fit. On top of that, I have a very specific career goal, and State U couldn’t have helped me advance towards it. Instead, I chose to work for a while in my intended field after HS instead while weighing my college options. </p>
<p>To me, this made sense because unlike starting school at State U immediately, I could see a clear progression toward that career goal and I could build up a track record that would increase my chances of a full ride at a much better school when I did apply. I had contacts in the field who could help me find opportunities to gain meaningful working experience. What they saw, of course, was stubbornness, wilful defiance, immature decision-making, and callous disregard of the opportunity to go to college, which neither of them had. They were convinced that I would fail to secure a full ride somewhere better than State U and I would eventually attend State U, tail between legs and at least a couple of years behind my college-aged peers who started school on time.</p>
<p>During this time, my friends and teachers remained very supportive, giving me the encouragement and advice I so desperately needed. I’ve gone to them, ghost-faced with fear of the future, broken down crying from stress, doubted, contemplated giving up or giving in, and they were always there. Sometimes they gave advice that I didn’t want but needed to hear. Every step of the way, they were with me and for me, I owe them so much.</p>
<p>During this same time, what I heard from my parents included “you’re never going to make it”, “your hope is useless”, “relatives are asking me if it’s because you went to Magnet School With Teachers Who Encouraged Your Ambition that you turned out like this”, “it’s not going to happen”, “stop wasting your time”. So often, after those depressing little chats, I’d go to my room, look the door and stick my head under my pillow and just be so paralyzed. I hated being at home. I avoided my parents as much as I could. I took great pains to avoid them. I know it didn’t help our relationship, but put yourself in my shoes… those words hurt, and they hurt bad. I knew the path I chose for myself to college would be difficult, and my own faith was hanging by a thin, thin thread. They didn’t need to rub it in. I couldn’t hear those words. I couldn’t afford to.</p>
<p>We fly out to my dream college tomorrow, where I have a full ride.</p>
<p>The last three months have been frustrating, so frustrating at home. Suddenly my parents are more excited for college than I am. I understand that it’s a huge relief for them, too, but I resent this deeply. From the beginning, my college search has been my project, and I did my own research and coordinated my own apps. During this time I became almost although not completely financially independent. I was working a job I loved and would probably have pursued further if college hadn’t worked out. I cooked and ate my own meals, bought my own groceries, paid for my own transport. I grew up in every way. I became a legal adult. I felt like an independent adult! Now that all is well with the world again, they’re the ones behaving like excited college kids, buying college things for me that I don’t need, doing college research I’ve already done and telling me all about it, reminding me of things to do I’m already on top of.</p>
<p>They’re treating me like the kid I would have been if I were entering college out of HS, not like a young adult who’s held working responsibilities rarely accorded to those my age. There is so much going on here emotionally I can’t wrap my mind around it, but I know I’m frustrated, even a little angry, and feel like they don’t have a right to be this excited or this concerned when they so actively discouraged me from this very path that turned out to have a huge reward. I was effectively told to do this alone. I pulled it off alone. I was looking forward to moving on alone, or with the people who were there for me and who believed in me throughout.</p>
<p>I know, I know… we’ve never been emotionally close, so the parent-child relationship has always been defined by the parent providing and the child being provided for. For a long time they felt they couldn’t provide for me to go to the college I wanted, and now they can feel like they’re providers and therefore parents again. Blah blah blah… all I know is that that ship has sailed for them, and with the full ride, there is a good chance I will become financially independent while still in college. About time, too, since I’m already over 21. I don’t know if they understand that my moving in to college is as good as moving out of home and they need to treat it as such. I think they might be afraid that without the financial umbilical cord, there will be nothing tethering me to home, and they’re trying to establish some sort of relationship before that happens, but I can’t convince myself that’s definitely possible any more (see the things that were said above).</p>
<p>The only reasons I’ve waited this long to post this are a. there’s a lot of guilt involved. I know I gave my parents a very hard time with my decisions, and I don’t want to make them seem like the bad guys. But how else would you have played the hand I was dealt?
b. Our disagreements started many years before the college search, and generally follow this pattern: You don’t know what’s best for you, so trust us, we will put you on the right path and you will be grateful for it many years from today. Alternatively: you don’t know how much we’ve done for you, you owe it to us to be grateful. I figure I’ve put up with this dysfunctional relationship for so long. There’s no need to make things difficult now when the light at the end of the tunnel is this close. But if so, I need to make sure this really is a light, and they’re not trying to be helpful so they can use it as a “you ought to be grateful” weapon later.
c. As move-in day approaches, it’s getting worse! Have you packed this, have you packed that, have you done this, have you done that, do you need me to buy xyzabc for you??? Why do you want to buy it yourself? Are you sure?!</p>
<p>ARGH! Parents, help! I don’t want to cut them off, but I need to draw the line and say, this is my new life, one I wrought for myself, and you need to let me live it on my own. Or, since move-in day is so near, I guess maybe what I was looking for wasn’t advice, but just a chance to vent and let the bitterness go. Thanks for reading. Sigh.</p>
I am sure that many would love to be in your shoes.</p>