How do I not go crazy in college and/or flunk out?

College Life
1

I was almost completely denied social life experience in high school due to various factors such as initial lack of interest, and then social upbringing (which has changed, but still), and poor reputation at high school which has left me at 17 to never have:

-do anything with the opposite sex except hug one girl and slow dance with one at junior prom (never been on a date, never held hands, kissed, been in a relationship, etc) - I asked out countless girls and tried talking to girls many many times, but never got anywhere and always got turned down (they never even wanted to be my friend; they were indifferent)
-been to a party

There was a thread on here where everyone was saying that you’re a loser if you haven’t kissed by 18 (regardless of gender)…in that case, looks like I only have 0.6 years left before I am officially a loser. Some people that are “inexperienced” are that way because they CHOSE not to take part in those experiences. For example, with dating, most people that are inexperienced, could have if they wanted to not be that way. They just chose to either be selective or “weren’t ready” or wanted to “focus on academics”. They’re not losers. But I actually tried and failed, and I had no such opportunities!

This thinking may sound ridiculous to some, but I see validity in it. If you are even remotely socially established and “[got] out” a bit, you should really have no problems at least having an OPPORTUNITY to kiss a member of the opposite sex, at least by some time in your mid-teens. Over the past 1.5 years, I have gone from being introverted to extroverted (I think I actually had a shift) and have become significantly more outgoing, but as I say later, once your reputation in high school is negative, you really don’t have much potential to do anything…

I have also only scarcely and rarely hung out with any friends and have had pretty few friends, most of which who were self-absorbed in their own interests. I haven’t been on any individual road trips with a group of people (I have been on several school trips though, but those don’t count).

I have never had a curfew because I never had any use for it!!! I’ve been deemed a social reject for my whole grade school life. I severely lack social life experience. I haven’t done anything!

And I’ve been trying to better my circumstances with respect to my social life and am in general trying to revolutionize my lifestyle as a whole, but there’s not a whole ton you can do once your reputation is screwed up in high school. That’s why I am looking into ways I can meet people outside of school and form some relationships there, in addition to doing whatever possible to better my circumstances at school.

I am 17.4 years old, going to college in approximately 1.25 years. One one end, I am nervous and hopeful that I’ll be able to catch up on my years in college. I will be doing everything in my power to make sure I have a substantial social life in college and will not screw up or be socially oblivious to anything this time. I did that in early high school and grade school in general and screwed everything up and will not make that mistake again. I am also looking for colleges that are “party schools” or at least have a decent amount of partying going on and colleges where people on average report having fulfilling social lives, and lack thereof is an instant dealbreaker and these factors are top priority for me when looking at universities.

On the flip side of the coin, I feel like I am potentially going to blow up in college and flunk out. It will be like not drinking water for 2 days and finally being offered gallons. I am going to drink myself to death.

How do I still get the traditional college experience and make up for not getting the high school or middle school one, while not flunking out? My parents are expecting me to maintain a 3.5. A bit over that is what I have in high school right now, but that’s only after abusing time extensions granted to me in “special accommodations” and the general culture of my high school being, “You can turn stuff as late as you want and we’ll still give you full credit.” I’ve always been pretty bad at time management and procrastination, and that may be a dangerous factor as well.

Any tips? This is actually quite concerning. I’ve heard of people with similar backgrounds going crazy partying in college and then failing, and I estimate to have a very high potential for ending up like that for that reason. I want to and should party, but I feel like I am going to overdo it because of that “thirst analogy” I described earlier…

2

OK, deep breaths.

For starters, do NOT believe half of what you read online or hear at school. The vast majority of kids do NOT lead the kind of lives that media would have you believe. Lots and lots graduate high school having never dated, or dated seriously.

Stop counting down the days until some arbitrary deadline. 17.4 years, 1.25 years… none of it matters. What matters is that you start deciding to do what makes YOU happy, NOW. Once you’re more comfortable in your own skin, the rest will come along.

I got married to the man of my dreams at age 30. My younger sister was 40 before she found the right guy. It’s not a race. The only “losers” in this scenario are the ones making pronouncements on things they know nothing about, simply to make others feel bad. Don’t let other people’s ideas of cool and uncool determine how you live your life.

So, first of all, grades. You say you’re bad at time management-- great!!! You’ve identified a problem. That’s the hard part. So your first job of the summer is to get much better at time management. Consider taking an SAT prep course this summer for two reasons. One, it will help you prepare for the SAT. But two, it will include homework and deadlines, and will give you the opportunity to develop strategies for the new, better-at-time-management you!

Second, your social life. What really expanded my ability to be part of a crowd of friends-- and notice the way I phrased it. It was about MY social abilities, not their lack of acceptance-- was getting a part time job as a high school Junior. I worked in a restaurant-- first as a busgirl, then a hostess, then as a waitress-- until 2 weeks before I started teaching. It taught me so many things, from responsibility and time management, to working together. I was very fortunate to land in a place with so many young people, and so many GOOD young people. We hung out a lot together during those years, having a ski house upstate one winter, a rental in the Hamptons one summer. And the reason I was able to be part of that group was that I grew into the type of person they wanted to include. I certainly didn’t start off that way-- I was a very shy 16 year old. So this is about your choices to become the kind of person that has a more active social life.

Get a job. I see your point about already having a reputation at school, so get one in the next town (not sure how practical that is. Around here, on Long Island, it would be no big deal at all.) Do you have your license? Can you get to a place where there are jobs? If so, then tonight’s homework from me (Sorry, I simply can’t turn it off) is to start applying. But here’s the secret: after you fill out an online application, send a copy of your cover letter expressing your interest in the job. Send it snail mail. It will make your application stand out from the other 300 applications. You can find places that are hiring at snagajob… sign up and they’ll send daily updates.

As far as school goes, take a look at the yearbook when it comes out. Find 2 activities to join, 2 that have interest to you. And join them in the fall. Yes, it will look good on applications. But more than that, it will enable you to be more of a part of your school community.

Lastly, be very careful of self fulfilling prophecies. Don’t assume you’ll 'go crazy partying in college and then fail." Why on earth would you assume you’ll self destruct??? (And at a pricetag of thousands and thousands of dollars per year at that??) Don’t aspire to failure. Aspire to growth to the point where your social life is healthy, not sustained by binge drinking and stupidity.

The best of luck to you!

3

According to a study done at the California State University, Gender, Ethicity, and the Developmental Timing of First Sexual and Romantic Experiences, 96.2% of the population in the United States has been on a date by high school graduation, 93.2% have kissed, 84.9% have been in love, 83.9% have been in a serious relationship, and 75.8% have lost their virginity. And get this: the 3.8% that did not date in high school…again a lot of them were like that by choice. Worst of all, I’ve never even had a female friend. None of the girls I was interested in even wanted to be my friend. Of course, like most people I’ve wanted to do these things, but… And what is my prospective girlfriend going to think? I’ve heard of people discounting others on the basis of inexperience, even dumping because of it… Example anecdote: a girl said that a guy she had her first kiss with in college dumped her because she had never had a boyfriend before. That was only an anonymous post on the internet, but I’ve heard of people making similar remarks. “Girls in college don’t want to date a dude who’s never dated before,” or, “By college, most people have awkward firsts out of the way [as represented by the statistics above], and therefore will be a lot more casual about their encounters in general.” I mean I am open to casual encounters as well, but the point is that I will be significantly behind the game (assuming I don’t manage to get any romantic/sexual experience between now and when I go off for college).

That’s one aspect. I think even sadder is that I don’t even have a curfew yet because I’ve almost never just “gone out”. In one respect, it’s also a downer of expectations. In my late tweens and early teens, I imagined myself growing up getting the average high school experience. Partly, as I said, I think my upbringing is also a factor because I was raised in a different cultural household. After talking to my parents and speechmaking and everything, they’re okay with it and aren’t really restrictive any such respects, but I still believe it had an impact because if I had been raised in an average western household, I would have probably been pushed more to pursue such experiences. I feel like I’ve been unnecessarily shortchanged and it’s stupid that I have to be a late-bloomer. I blame myself too. For three years until sophomore year of high school, I myself was self-absorbed in my own interests and video or card games and “hung out” (not really, as I said before) with like people as well. I think my upbringing is a factor here again because while they did want me to be “social”, they didn’t want me to have traditional high school experiences or push me in anyway to pursue those because it isn’t in their culture. Now I didn’t have too hard of a time convincing them to let me pursue such experiences, as I said earlier, later when I had the active desire, but it was still a factor because otherwise, I feel like they would have pushed me more to go out, lead an active social life, have high school experiences, and become independent themselves, rather than me having to convince them that I want to do these things. In my late tweens and early teens, when I was doing all the fantasizing and realistic imagining of what my teenage and adolescence years will be like, I was oblivious to this cultural factor.

I don’t know. On one level, it’s just heartbreaking (broken expectations).

What you recommend for social life is exactly what I am trying to and planning to do, and other things. I am actually quite outgoing and extroverted, but just don’t have the right domains to make use of it.

Now, for college, I don’t think I’ll be binge-drinking. I think I’ll wind up drinking moderately and socially, but that’s beside the point, and I can’t really tell now. I should probably also look into ways I can keep my drinking under control there (I’ve heard of people joining sports for this reason). On the other hand, I do not want to miss out on the sexual exploration aspect of college at all.

Regardless, I just feel like I won’t have the self-regulation that other people have with respect to balancing social life and school, because I myself never had to practice it. And because I never had a social life, as I described earlier, because of the “thirst” factor, I feel like I am uncontrollably going to end up neglecting school in light of social life. Someone who is used to partying in high school and has had to deal with balancing their social life and maintaining their grades is in a much safer position for college than someone like me. They’re used to it, so for one they naturally won’t be so greedy for it and secondly, they have experience managing that kind of thing.

4

First of all, you get to start over completely new in college. Nobody will know your high school reputation. You could have been the biggest stud in high school and gotten all the girls, or you could have been a loner, or anywhere in between. Nobody in college will know, and above all, nobody in college will care. You can go into college and act completely confident in your social abilities and show off your new-found extroverted-ness and everyone will believe that’s who you are, because to them that IS who you are.

As far as going crazy with partying and drinking, I doubt that will happen. My parents were very strict with me when I was in high school. I didn’t really go out much and I had a curfew (a bedtime really, not even a curfew). I went to a couple parties my senior year but was pretty inexperienced going into college. I always told my parents in high school that if they restricted my going out in high school then I would go crazy in college and party every weekend and binge drink and do drugs and all that. But that didn’t happen. I got to college and still didn’t really go out much (I didn’t go out at all fall semester and went out a few times in the spring). I was used to staying in bed watching tv on Friday nights, and so I just did that in college too and was fine with it. I really doubt you’ll go crazy; I bet you’ll find a good balance that will work for you.

5

If my relationship success in high school determined my relationship success in college, I wouldn’t have met the wonderful man I’m with today. I never once dated in high school because no guys really had interest in me, even when I tried to put myself out there. I was also low on the social totem pole due to bullying and only had a few friends. In college, I decided to leave the past behind and try dating and experiencing things I didn’t before. I ended up forming a modest, but close group of friends that are incredibly supportive.

Getting too worried and anticipating rejection and a poor social life in college will just cause you to fulfill your own prophecy. Things will NOT be as hard as you think they will be, because the environment of college vs. high school is very different. You will be surrounded by new people who will not remember who you were at your old school.

As for your worries about getting too deeply involved in party life and failing out, that’s entirely in YOUR control, not something that is unavoidable. Some colleges offer freshman seminars about time management, getting organized, test taking, and balancing social life. Take advantage of those. It’s entirely possible to make friends and succeed in college. The key is to surround yourself with people who are responsible and ultimately want to do well, despite being able to have fun every once in a while.

6

It’s not really that my parents are strict SO much. I mean they were but I have rebelled and continue to do so… It’s hard to say. They try to be strict about certain things, but then are really open about others. They don’t have a problem with me partying, dating, etc at this point per se, but…it’s hard to explain…

Regardless, my going crazy in college would be more as a result of not actually getting the opportunities to experience things in high school, not so much my parents being strict (though I think for many of us that will also be a factor). I should probably take those seminars if my college offers them… Part of the problem is that I just don’t have the desire to succeed in school anymore. I used to, but I don’t. That’s the main problem, and this has been going on for a while and my GPA has dropped from 3.7x to 3.5x this year. You may say that that’s still pretty good, but as I said, that’s after pissing teachers off and abusing time extensions granted to me as a result of special accommodations - turning work in weeks late, etc. I should probably only have like a 2.0 or 2.5 by now (or maybe I would have learned at my first significant loss and not have continued that behavior). This worries me even more. On top of already being in a condition of danger in general because of the whole social life factor, I simply don’t have the desire to do well in school. I am going to have to figure something out, otherwise my chances of flunking out are near 100%. On the other hand, I’ve heard of some people finding college easier, and others say high school is, so it’s hard to say what will happen.

You’re right in some respects. High school is just a super toxic environment that continually brings down my self-esteem. Worse than not having done anything by now is that there also seems to be no apparent POTENTIAL for anything to happen within high school either. Not seeing any potential for party invites, dating prospects, invites to hang out (maybe a very slight bit for this one), or anything of the like.

It’s not that I am pre-anticipating rejection, etc in college, but that my circumstances in high school are just so emotionally damaging that it puts me into a lot of anxiety about what my fate will be in college.

Another thing I wanted to mention: I have very few social media connections to people in my school as well. I have under 250 Facebook friends, only 20 or so Instagram followers (but I joined like 10 days ago), 3 snapchat friends, nothing on Twitter. Overall, I am almost completely disconnected from high school, and this is something I’ve been doing my best to repair for like the past year or so, but as you can see, I’ve made very little progress. I guess that’s the nature of high school though, as I was saying before. Once your reputation is negative and you are ostracized, you’re done - you can’t do anything, at least within the bounds of your high school population.

btfeldo: “In college, I decided to leave the past behind and try dating and experiencing things I didn’t before.”

I know this probably isn’t what you mean, provided your earlier context of guys never liking you, but you phrase that as if it was a voluntary choice you COULD have made earlier, but didn’t decide to until college. I expose this, because this is kind of my whole point - that if I had choice, I would be choosing to do those things now and would have done many of them years ago (as I described in my OP), but because of my circumstances, I was and am unable to. Well, I shouldn’t say that…but the point is that it’s very difficult and I am going to have to go out on a limb (which I am actually trying to do) to have any chances right now. I am trying to do the best I can. My purpose in coming here was to:

  1. Vent (I cannot do this enough).
  2. Discuss things I can do to not flunk out of college (at very high risk)
7

Bro, as soon as you step on a college campus, nobody is going to give a crap what you did in high school, not even if you were the valedictorian quarterback. Unless a significant portion of the school’s greek community knew you from high school, you pretty much have a clean slate.

As for your high school situation… personally, it took me 2-3 years to become popular, even with an outgoing personality from the get-go, so you probably won’t be winning prom king. Just keep trying and make the best of the situation until you go to college. Talk to more girls so you’ll have a higher chance of finding a prom date. Having 250 friends on facebook while still in high school is normal. You mentioned that you will “have to go out on a limb” to improve your situation. That is what you should have been doing this entire time, as well as what you should be doing in college. Unless you are extremely attractive or funny, people don’t just hand out friendships like free coupons.

Also, don’t blame your situation on how your parents raised you; there are too many variables to factor in as to why you ended up where you are. I grew up in a strict Asian household where my parents pressured focus on academics and nothing else, not even playing an instrument or whatever tiger moms make their kids do. So me partying with friends, getting on the varsity team, community service, talking to members of the opposite sex, etc. were all things that I had to learn and experience for myself without influence from my family.

You’re afraid girls in college will judge you for never kissing or dating anyone? Don’t tell them you’ve never kissed or dated anyone. You don’t have to lie to them by saying you have, but don’t go around advertising your situation. I’ve seen so many guys complaining on social media about how they’ve never been with a girl, but they don’t realize that they are digging an even deeper hole for themselves because every girl they know just read that post.
“Fake it til you make it”
If you have a confident attitude, girls won’t assume that you are inexperienced. They aren’t psychic.

Don’t think of having fun in college as “making up for the past”, if you try to cram 8 years of missed opportunities in 4 years, you’re gonna have a bad time. Just live in the moment. Once you start having fun, you won’t even remember or care that you didn’t do it in high school. Generally, you still have to be invited to parties in college. So unless you happen to become king sh-t and are getting invites left and right, going overboard on social activities shouldn’t be a problem.

8

Yeah, I mean I figured prior dating inexperience probably isn’t going to be much of a factor, but it was more that it continually brings down my self-esteem, partly because of all the negative connotations of being like me (i.e. “loser”). Beyond dating, I hear about the late curfews people my age have (and the general experiences they have) and that too makes me feel like a loser. Moreover, I feel like a loser because unlike most people, mine is not by choice and I actually repeatedly failed. Now that’s sad…

You may think [under] 250 friends is normal, but I probably have the least out of everyone I know. Even some of the most inactive people that are on Facebook have at least 400 with the average being around 750-900. It’s insignificant at the surface, but I am just saying. And not just Facebook, but like on Instagram, I have 19 followers I think. The average person has around 400. 3 Snapchat friends is obviously probably vanishingly rarely low. 0 Twitter friends…

What I meant by “have to go out on a limb” is not just things within high school, but I was mainly referring to seeking to meet people outside of school, perhaps with jobs, the use of social media, or just going out in general…well…I don’t have my license until August so that’s a significant hindrance. Basically, for the past few months, I have been trying to go out on a limb, and recently I am figuring out more and more how I can do that. It’s very difficult when you are almost starting from ground zero in high school. The word “almost” is significant, because that’s still a lot easier than starting from “complete” ground zero, but regardless. The other factor is that for the first 1.5 years, at least, and maybe even 2 years (since a lot of the second half of sophomore year was spent stumbling around trying to get dates when my social skills were very weak, rather than actually developing a social life) or even more (entered a very angsty and near-depressed state for the first few months of junior year in which I isolated myself again), of high school, I pretty much did nothing. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve actively started pushing for “revolution” until around February 2015, and even then…and even now I am having a pretty hard time figuring out what to do with my life, but nonetheless I am and I believe I am getting a better and better idea of what other things I should strive to do and starting to take some actual actions, which might have netted me very slight improvement in my circumstances.

It kind of extends beyond just social life too. I feel like my life in general is very far less active and independent than it should be and compared to the average person my age. I look at my peers’ lives in general, even beyond social life, and feel like a total loser. This is where I slightly “blame” my parents. Well, I am not really blaming them, because it’s not their fault, but they are still somewhat of a factor. They weren’t raised in the United States, and where they grew up, the idea of a leisurely, domestic, studies-oriented childhood is much valued. A 17-year-old there is living the life of an 11-year-old in the United States, at best. They know this, and after having established my position, they’re not forcing me into that, but at the same time, innately they’re not seeing anything wrong with my life. Naturally, still in some respects they don’t quite give me enough “value” for being 17 (but in many, they are starting to). And they still don’t really understand the nuances of the western ways, by their own account. Again, it’s not really their “fault” per se, and really I thank them for not being like most others and stubbornly imposing their beliefs on me, and trying to adjust accordingly. The whole parents situation is complicated though and in some very peculiar respects, and that’s another thing I am working through and discussing with my parents, which has been fairly effective so far.

That is what as a whole makes me label myself a “loser”, not the whole parents thing, but my severely inactive/sheltered/un-independent life in general. I don’t even play a sport. The only thing really giving me value as a person right now is great proficiency at a stringed instrument (made it into the All-State orchestra for my state). So really, I am trying to revolutionize my life as a whole.

This is all stuff I am figuring out. I’ve been in therapy for a few months too. Well, I joined for other reasons at first, and now I’ve been going at reduced frequency.

Of course, I am not really going to literally “make up for the past”, but what I was trying to say was that I will be on top of everything with regard to my social life, or so I think. I am still quite concerned about my academics though, because on top of the high amount of value I am suddenly giving to my social life, I have basically lost the desire to succeed in school, as I described earlier [my cumulative unweighted GPA has dropped ~0.25 (on a 4.0 scale) this year]. That can be a recipe for disaster and is something I am going to have to treat…there are other factors involved here that are making me worry about potentially flunking out of college as well that I don’t want to get into for confidentiality purposes. My original purpose of creating this thread was to discuss this, but clearly you folks probably aren’t going to have much to say about that, so…I should probably speak to someone about my lack of interest in academically succeeding though. That can get ugly real quick (it already is).

Yeah, I clearly don’t have my shit nearly together as I should. I am like failing at life right now. But see that’s what I am now actively looking to reform.

@OhSorryYo So you say that you had strict Asian parents. How did you bypass their restrictions in pursuing that other stuff? Just curious. Or were they the type to say, “Do whatever the fuck you want; just get good grades.”

9

I’m on mobile, but I’ll say what I can on here:
“So you say that you had strict Asian parents. How did you bypass their restrictions in pursuing that other stuff? Just curious. Or were they the type to say, “Do whatever the **** you want; just get good grades.””

Mine were the second, but why do your parents have to know how much you’re partying?

Overall, there are really two solutions to your problem: learn to manage your time, gain some confidence (fake it till you make it).

I just finished my freshman year, and while I wasn’t exacty like you in high school I have a close friend who was. Once he learned those two lessons, his quality of life shot right up.

But re: the first part, learn to work hard and party hard. Stop procrastinating your work, plan out your days, etc. That way you can work hard & party hard. I earned a 4.0 both semesters and went “out” (to watch movies w/ friends, do other college student things) 2-3 nights a week.

It’ll get better, but you need to completely reinvent yourself for college. You sound like you have pretty low self-confidence (given the nature of the posts). Change that. No one cares about who you were in high school, only who you are now. Seriously, you can change to the point that everyone’s shocked when you come back and act like an entirely different person. The other guy in here gave some great advice. Fake it until you make it. Don’t care about what anyone else thinks, but know what people like so you can appeal to them (e.g. no cargo shorts, bro).

10

Oh boy. A lot of things going on here. I was not like this in high school but I’ll share the experiences of my fiance.

Before we started dating our sophomore year of college, the only “relationship” he’d ever been in was with a woman who wanted to wait until their marriage day to have their first kiss. I wasn’t his first kiss but I was close. But, it only took one person. You’ll be fine without much experience. I had a ton of relationship experience going in and he had virtually none. It didn’t make any difference.

I’m not sure why you’re convinced you’ll “go crazy.” Just limit the number of drinks you have. You are allowed to say no and really, no one is going to pressure you in college. If they do, walk away. You’ve got better things to do.

Take deep breaths. Don’t do stupid things. You’ll be fine. Seriously.

11

The count of friends on social media rarely correlates with actual interaction. I actually find it really sad when I see people with 1000+ facebook friends but average maybe 10 likes on their profile picture and statuses compared to those with maybe 500 friends but get 200 likes on everything. Maybe you should limit the social media that you use, so all your posts can all be in 1 place, making you more recognizable. I myself only use facebook and snapchat, no instagram/twitter/tumblr.

Seeing how it’s pretty late in the game for you to build a high school reputation, don’t overexert yourself trying to meet new people unless the college you plan to attend is really close to home. When I said college gives you a clean slate, many positive things from high school get wiped away with it. Among the friends I spent 4 years trying to get to know in high school, I probably had contact with about half after freshman year of college, and maybe a quarter by the time I graduated.

As for dealing with my parents, I learned how to be pretty resourceful from a young age. My parents took away my keyboard and mouse on the weekdays, so I had a secret keyboard and mouse hidden in my room. They turned on a security system on every night, so I learned how to turn it off. Their room was next to the front door, so I learned how to unhinge my bedroom window. They checked the trash, so I hid empty bottles in my closet and waited until they left to dump them around the block. Axe spray was pretty good at hiding smells that they may or may not have been familiar with. It wasn’t until I graduated with honors from high school and attended a top university that they decided to put their trust in me, the first Thanksgiving break from college was when their attitude changed to “Do whatever the **** you want; just get good grades.”

12

Kiss is overrated. But seriously there is help here.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Kissing-Revised-Edition/dp/0312334974

13

Woah. All these paragraphs are too much for me to read, but I skimmed through them. And bruh, I feel you. I’m also a loser in highschool with barely 200 friends on Facebook and have never been in a relationship. And I’m sure many others are also in this position. I’m starting college this year and I’m sure I can change all of that. No one from high school is even going to remember me so I can start afresh. Just don’t worry about what others think about you. So where you from? Maybe we can be friends, hahas…

14

Most posters probably haven’t commented as much about this (although many did address it) because most of your posts haven’t been about this. I would comment on the rest of your posts, but from what it sounds like based on your responses and general attitude, you won’t be very receptive to it. So instead, I’m just going to talk about academics since that’s what you requested.

The way you talk about your worries about academics make it sound like it’s out of your control when it’s entirely within your control. It’s fine to be worried about it. That’s good because then you go in knowing that this could be an issue for you and being prepared to stay on top of things. If you don’t want to party all the time and flunk out… then don’t. It’s really that simple.

You know that time management is an issue for you so stay as on top of things as you can. Go through your syllabi when you get them on the first day of class and put all of the due dates on your calendar. Then put dates in your calendar for when you need to start working on assignments or studying for tests. Or give yourself a deadline for assignments earlier than the actual deadline so that you can stay on top of things. Then actually use your calendar and stick to your deadlines. If you need to, have someone else hold you accountable. Have a friend/roommate/parent/classmate/sibling/whoever hold you accountable for the deadlines you set yourself. You could give a trusted friend/family member a check/cash and tell them to cash/spend it if you don’t stick to your deadlines. You could ask a parent to annoy you about it if you aren’t getting things done. You can not let yourself do things you want to do if you don’t get your work done. Or you can give yourself rewards for finishing work.

You can also break up assignments/studying/papers into smaller, manageable chunks. Give yourself deadlines for each chunk, and stick to them. Or do whatever you need to do to get work done. Get a study group and meet with them regular to make sure you’re keeping up with the work. Set appointments with your professor or TA to check on your progress for big projects or papers or whatever so you force yourself to get things done before you meet with your professor. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you actually do it.

You’re worried about partying too much and disregarding academics. So just… don’t. Don’t let yourself go to a party unless you get X, Y, and Z done. Tell your roommate/friend/classmate/RA/whoever not to let you go out unless you finish your work. Remind yourself that you’re paying a lot of money for this education, so you’re motivated not to waste it. It’s not rocket science or some secret skill with a steep learning curve. People manage this all the time. Sometimes, you’ll make a bad decision and party too much when you should have studied, but you’ll face the consequences of all nighters or hangovers when you have to work on a paper or take an exam or a bad grade on a test or assignment. And hopefully, you’ll learn from your mistakes. Self-assess (just like you’ve been doing now) throughout your time in college until you gain more self-confidence and if you ever feel like your grades are slipping or that academics is no longer your priority, then figure out how to get back on track. Ask for help. Make steps towards doing better.

If you’re losing motivation for school, figure out why you’re actually going to school and remind yourself of it. Is it to get a better job? Grad school? Figure out the real reason and start working towards that.

Relax. You’ll figure it out. You know what your concerns are, and you know you have to stay on top of it. And you totally can.