<p>We didn’t intend to put our friends to work, but I do remember the morning of our wedding lots of our friends (and housemates) were busy filling balloons with helium. And my mother still has fond feelings for my dh’s former roommate who had come from out of town, and went and got us all sushi for lunch. For a more informal wedding I think what happens is the friends come - they want to see you - you are busy making wedding preparations, so they offer to help. If they want to sightsee, that’s their prerogative. (I’m loving the image of them being drafted to be unpaid arts and crafts helpers though! And do see how that could happen.)</p>
<p>My mom is throwing a shower for me, which is the custom here. I think normally the girls would help but they didn’t offer so I didn’t ask, I don’t think we really need any help anyway. My sister and I are hosting my bachelorette at my house-- very tame, old-fashioned slumber party type deal with video games and pizza like we used to do for our birthday’s growing up, one last time. Nothing “inappropriate.” Not all the girls will come. They didn’t all come to the engagement party either, and nobody helped with that at all. I am not very demanding. My attitude is if you want to help I can definitely find things I need help with, if you don’t want to help don’t pretend you do and just show up and that’s a-okay with me.</p>
<p>The results of this are mixed. I thought they would be happy. The girls seem upset and confused that I haven’t arranged any fun get togethers for them to come help me with stuff, I am confused because they have not really offered to do much either and I don’t feel I can ask for much after they paid for a dress of my choosing and some are going to need hotels. The couple of things I have mentioned needing help with, I get crickets in response. I guess the things I need help with aren’t fun enough. I do feel a bit like they want less to plan a real wedding and more for me to be summer camp counselor and arrange for all sorts of girlhood bonding I do not have time for because I am actually planning a wedding and because none of them can make time to get together anyway-- seriously, they are never available for anything. It’s weird. I want to say say, “please just show up, and don’t complain.” End of story, everybody is happy. I don’t know that it’s always brides giving out marching orders, the younger bridesmaids who are not yet sick of this stuff seem to expect this as part of the experience. Some are acting like I am just using them as mannequins for the bridesmaids dresses.</p>
<p>^^^Isn’t there something you could let them do or give them permission to plan? I think they might feel more emotionally attached to your day if they are more involved - especially since some of them are ASKING to be. </p>
<p>Back in the dinosaur days, we were told that it wasn’t proper for a relative to organize an event in which gifts were expected (showers); allegedly it was supposed to be done by the maid of Honor or other friend. Also a role of the Maid of Honor was the “bachelorette party.” </p>
<p>I think a lot of those things have gone by the wayside, which could be a good thing. But it also sounds like, as a result of relaxation of social “rules,” people may be a little confused about what their roles actually do entail, and what the expectations are. </p>
<p>Isn’t maid of honor responsible for the shower?</p>
<p>^^^^I know it used to be, but there are lots of showers now being hosted by MOB or other family member.</p>
<p>Particularly for young brides/maids, the expense of throwing a shower can be quite prohibitive. I married at19 (oh goodness that seems soooo young and stupid almost 28 years later!!) and there is no way my girls could pay for dresses AND throw a shower. Happily, family took over and it was lovely. </p>
<p>There must be something weird about my social group, because I know nobody else has the family throw a shower based on what I’ve read, but MOB throwing it is what’s always been done in my circle for generations. It’s expected-- the bridesmaids assumed from the get go that my mom would do it. We arent talking a 100 person blowout, though, we are talking 15 close relatives who would all want to send an extra gift whether there was a shower or not. For us the shower is an opportunity for that small group of women to get together and bask in wedding excitement, and oh yeah there just so happens to be gifts, it’s not really about the gifts so much. It’s an excuse for the ladies of the family to get together prior to the big wedding. My maid of honor is my younger sister, who is 20 and is turning out to be too young to cope with the traditional MOH duties. </p>
<p>I have offered up a bunch of things I needed help with, especially in the beginning, but everyone has always been too busy. When I first got engaged my mom was still on vacation and I had to hurry up and start booking things , and I went around to venues and bakeries and dress shops by myself because nobody was available. Nobody was available to help decorate for the engagement barbecue either. Now that I am thinking about it so much, I wonder if they are just pretending to be disappointed because they are afraid I am secretly mad at them for not helping more? I don’t know. I’m a bit out of my depth, I just want to get married and for the important people in my life to be standing with me!</p>
<p>Sorry if I derailed the thread, I didn’t mean to… sometimes I can’t tell what is super relevant and only partially relevant and then I am surprised when the conversation shifts to me too much…</p>
<p>Ema my wedding wasn’t so different - I think that’s what happens when your younger sister is your maid of honor. She sort of just leaves it to you to sort out. It will work itself out. I think a slumber party sounds like fun.</p>
<p>One of my major concepts in life is that small things can plant big in people’s memories. Ema, are they located close enough to you that you ca just go out for coffee or drinks, so they get the feel of the girl talk and you sharing your excitement. Just downtime. That can be as intimate as arranging something. One or two at a time or more of them? </p>
<p>What you are going through, btw, these little things that are creeping out- is very normal, typical. You’re seeing many of us who are older, now focused on the bright spots. But we all had these little hiccups. I promise you.</p>
<p>Decorate for the engagement bbq?
Is that a new tradition?
I think bbq sounds more fun than finger sandwiches.
;)</p>
<p>Ema, I don’t think it’s our social group. I think we’re in a radically different social class than many posters on here 
That and we live in a rather laid back area. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone IRL refer to a wedding custom as “tacky” the way I hear it rather often on here. </p>
<p>I’m not doing a shower. I have a very small and not geographically close family. My man of honor is planning my bachelorette party. I think we’re doing laser tag 
Because all of our guests are out of town guests, my close friends and family are going to be coming up a few days before the rest of the wedding guests. I guess those days will be somewhat like a shower.
Luckily, I’m getting married in a touristy town so people can use this as a vacation, too 
</p>
<p>Not a tradition, just something fun we did. I had a combination housewarming/engagement no-gifts kind of party to introduce the families and show everyone our new house, just casual barbecue. Close relatives and wedding party only. I got engaged in July and wouldn’t see the family until Christmas, and everyone wanted to see the house, so we had a party. I asked the girls to come help me put up some streamers or balloons or something and set up chairs, that’s all. </p>
<p>I didn’t really think of it before for some reason, but I think I will try to plan some one-on-one time with them for coffee or something and maybe that will make everybody happy or at least make their intentions more clear to me. I think they truly are just busy and trying to coordinate four working adults schedules makes things hard, maybe starting with 2 would make things easier-- and maybe they will be more available if I can get them excited.</p>
<p>Re after wedding brunch: Some of the costs are fixed. My housekeeper is always here on the date of the brunch. So that wasn’t added into the cost. Mimosas are a must (as are bloody marys). We always have a case or two of champagne in the house. This is courtesy of a remodel that includes a wine cooler. I don’t have to purchase plastic anything. I have enough dishes, silver ware, trays etc. to feed over 150. So that is no cost. I have enough serving bowls/platters to put out all the food. And we have two shelf and freezer space to hold everything… So for me, I am paying for all the food…and some hot dishes that I will keep ready to go in the morning.</p>
<p>Then Bevhills…how about being REALISTIC with the ACTUAL costs of the brunch? Add in the champagne, and the housekeeper since you are actually using those things and they are not free. Most folks would have to at least buy paper plates. You actual cost exceeds $1500. That $1500 is what you are spendi in addition to what you have…that MOST other people don’t just have hanging around. Don’t make it sound like those things are free. They are NOT.</p>
<p>Where do you keep dishes for 150 people? How many square feet of dishes is that!? I can’t even get to how you fit 150 people, I am stunned enough by the plates :P</p>
<p>My family has never heard of a wedding brunch, but apparently we are probably doing one. I think it will be like 15 people. I intend to have fiance scramble a ton of eggs, and I’ll get a big bag of bagels from the bakery, a costco fruit tray, and some orange juice. I think everyone will be happy with that and I can probably manage it for under $50. Depending on how much of my hair I’ve yanked out by then, I might attempt one of those baked french toast things you make in advance and just pop in the oven… I’d make quiche or something but nobody would eat that. My family will think I REALLY went the extra mile with the costco fruit tray… those are the best. </p>
<p>There you go. Small thing, big impression!</p>
<p>My mom would rent dishes/china/crystal for events in our home that required more place settings than her china had. I think she rented them from a local charity resale shop, but I’m sure most rental places offer this option.</p>
<p>Ema, I sent you a few PMs about ribbon and so on. :)</p>
<p>I have enough dinner plates to serve about 80 people. I think the most I’ve ever actually served in our house is 50-60.</p>
<p>
Pre-sliced into almost-halves, on same day, just ask ahead. </p>