<p>Now that my mil has stopped complaining about our heathen wedding, it’s been pretty stress free. Even though it’s being heavily funded by our parents, mine have been nothing but supportive and his are now on that page. They ask us what they can help with rather than adding more work. </p>
<p>It’s actually been really fun and we’re done with just about all but food a year ahead of time. Long engagements are a beautiful thing lol</p>
<p>I think that for some family from a certain culture and background, if he or she goes to the courthouse for a wedding, he or she may as well assume that the parents will disown them! It could be more about the family’s grace or disgrace rather than the couple’s.</p>
<p>Just like the talk about what colleges a child should or should not be in the list of colleges to apply to, my spouse thinks it is almost important to have a similar talk about the potential consequence of the family background of the future mate he chooses. (It is not a completely hypothetical one. DS’s circle has a higher representation of students from such families – e.g., full pay for expensive private school education from elementary school , all the way to the professional school.)</p>
<p>It still should be up to the couple, IMO, to decide what kind of wedding to have.
If one or even both sets of parents " disown" them because of that, that is sad, but that is also their choice.
The couple should not feel they have to placate the parents, especially if they do not expect the parents to underwrite the event.
Its NOT about the parents.</p>
<p>There is a huge gap between a courthouse wedding and draining a retirement account!</p>
<p>I understand that different cultures have different expectations but it sounds like your wife is thinking way too far ahead. What if the couple, collectively wants a small wedding? </p>
<p>It’s a major life event, bound to have some ups and downs. Not just when it gets to “Franz” level. Remember that, when most of us who are older share memories, we are conveniently skipping the things that caused us aggravation. I look back and see my planning as simple (just a few challenges because we planned long distance,) but the truth is, (I just remembered this the other day,) I ended up in the doc’s office sobbing, at one point. The doc was very sweet. I decided to believe him, that these things are stressful. And know our best wishes are with you. </p>
<p>My H’s parents contributed nothing towards our wedding. Knowing them, we had no expectation of that in the first place. We knew my family would contribute to the reception (55 people, buffet for $17/head), and DH and I went to considerable effort to keep that number as low as possible. We paid for the rest – total cost of event was about $4k thirty years ago. I made my dress, bridesmaids’ outfits and chuppah, we paid for tuxes, made silk flowers, did calligraphy, took the cake provided by the reception hall vs. ordering one, no table decorations, etc.</p>
<p>S1 amd DIL did the civil ceremony ($30 fee, $75 dress, $100 kilt ;)) and we took everyone out for a really nice lunch at our favorite restaurant afterwards. They paid for most of last summer’s celebration, and we cooked all the food as our gift, plus I put in lots of sweat equity with all my DIY stuff. Both S & DIL have well-paying jobs and felt this celebration was their responsibility to handle. DIL’s parents came from the UK and combined this with their vacation, but my understanding is that they did not help S & DIL with any wedding expenses.</p>
<p>The only “conflict” we had was getting S & DIL to make decisions so I could implement them on this end! (They are in CA, celebration was in MD.) My co-MIL and I are good buddies now and get along splendidly.</p>
<p>Lookingforward, I wound up in the rabbi’s library study one day in tears three months before our wedding because he pushed me hard on DH’s unwillingness to compromise on some things and how I would handle it. Prescient, I tell ya!</p>
<p>just when it gets to “Franz” level
Who is Franz?</p>
<p>Ah, had it wrong: Franck, from Father of the Bride. Ken Lee, from Housewives BH was supposedly the model. </p>
<p>Ema - I kind of get what your parents are feeling. Our older D has a SO. I have a feeling they may end up getting married. We will be paying for the wedding and I think the budget we have set aside is rather generous. D1 has said that she doesn’t think her SO’s parents will be contributing to anything. I am kind of thinking…I would like to see some sort of gesture from you that you are welcoming my daughter to your family. Unless you are on welfare, you could scrap together some money to have a party - the dress rehearsal party. It is a sign of respect. We’ve spent 20+ years raising our daughter, as you have your son, I would like to see some indication you are happy with the addition. We throw birthday parties, anniversary parties, graduation parties. Why wouldn’t someone throw a party for one of the most important events in their kid’s life, unless they do not approve of the union.</p>
<p>I would just like to add that when I say a party, I do not mean an expensive party, but a party to celebrate and acknowledge the fact you are happy your son has picked the right woman to share rest of his life with.</p>
<p>You have made a very valid point, oldfort. It isn’t just the monetary contribution that would be welcome, but some kind of sign that this is an event to celebrate!</p>
<p>I wish D was having a rehearsal dinner, i didnt have one either, but it is a nice time for the families to meet if they havent already done so.</p>
<p>
Good luck with that !! My D had gone out with at least 5 or 6 young men (each about 2 years’ duration) since college and she married the one whose family has the worst financials but still middle class. They did pay for the rehearsal dinner at the restaurant that I recommended since they were from Canada.
My S is marrying a girl from a middle class family. She has huge school debts but they are throwing (and paying) her a nice wedding along with a live band that costs $12K. Now THAT to me is unnecessary, I’d rather they help her with the loan instead. We are paying for the corsages and bride’s bouquet and rehearsal dinner which will be a 12 course banquet.
Oh…and we gave them 2 business class tickets for their honeymoon.</p>
<p>I would be sad if my kids married into a family who didn’t want to make ANY contribution toward their lives together or any party or show that they were pleased about the marriage. I don’t really get how one family can just expect the other family to foot all the expenses of the marriage–just seems wrong. If that were the case for our wedding, I think H & I would have opted to just pay for everything ourselves and perhaps limit how many folks could be invited.</p>
<p>Even if it’s a cultural thing, can’t see how it would be wrong to throw a party or reception to celebrate the happy event. In any case, there is no GF/BF in either of my kids’ lives (that we know of).</p>
<p>^ My FMIL didn’t originally want to contribute a red cent to our non-Christian wedding. </p>
<p>I think her husband talked her into it. He is far more sensible. </p>
<p>eta: we already have a very rocky relationship so it didn’t make me sad at all. It just made me roll my eyes. Annoyed my parents (not because of the money but because of the reason). </p>
<p>@Emaheevul07</p>
<p>Keep up your class act and realize in the long run it’s just going to be you and your hubby. Of my close friends and family members it seems most of them have to deal with nutty/rude/unsupportive/obnoxious in-laws (not counting my own parents of course!). But the point is that very few couples seem blessed with a fairy-tale in-law situation. </p>
<p>With DIL, we knew her folks’ funds were limited (there had been discussion about S & DIL paying for her immedaite family to come to the wedding. Don’t know if that happened, but DIL was very upfront about financial issues on her family’s end from when we first met her.</p>
<p>Unfortunately none of her other relatives could make the trip across the pond, though S met many of them in 2012 when he went to the UK after graduation for about five weeks. My side of the family is struggling middle class as well, and we used frequent flyer tickets so family could attend, and then put up most of them at our house or arranged for reasonably priced hotel rooms. (Gotta love all those frequent flyer miles. They make all this possible!) </p>
<p>It was pretty clear all along that both sets of parents were very pleased with S & DIL’s choice of each other, and I am so thankful we didn’t let $$ get in the way of building a warm relationship. </p>
<p>I knew my in-laws were going to be an issue based on the horrific experiences DH had growing up. I was kind but reserved and never let down my guard.</p>
<p>A friend I know got a “Divorce in HI” book from his sis when he told her he was engaged. Fortunately (even tho friend shared the book with fiancé), his fiancé didn’t let that get in the way of having a good relationship with the sis or other in-laws. They’re still married decades after the wedding. ;)</p>
<p>
And I don’t think your family is wrong in the least! My fiance’s parents should have hosted the rehearsal dinner (at a restaurant, since they were from out of town), but they acted like they didn’t understand what was expected. They lived in a rural area, finances were very tight and I guess they just thought their non-contributing stance was just fine. So a family friend held the rehearsal dinner. </p>
<p>You said that you expect half the invitees to attend. How many guests will that be? </p>
<p>emaheevu107 do not let any of the hang ups interfere with the fact that this is an event, but the marriage is the important thing - H and W bonded together for life. </p>
<p>It is emotional. You get caught up in details. </p>
<p>Who knows why in-laws have a hang up about any financial contribution; their D got it, paying for her wedding(s). Don’t worry about what you can’t change, but you can change your own attitude and how you act and what you say. Like you said, smooth things over.</p>
<p>There are weddings where one side has most of the guests; ushers just seat people on the other side of the church.</p>
<p>Do not let the negatives cloud over the happy event. Good Luck!</p>
<p>We invited 50 to the shower and so far we have 10, it might go up to 15-20-- minimum for venue was 30. Only my little sister and one other bridesmaid can make it to the bachelorette, so I am debating canceling. For the wedding we invited 140 and my mom is saying to expect 60-70 based on what she’s being told. Which isn’t a bad number, but it hurts my feelings a bit. A lot of very close relatives are snubbing the whole thing… it doesn’t sound like any of my dad’s family is coming to the shower due to unrelated drama. And the reception venue requires that I guarantee 100 or they will move me to a different room, so my choices will be to either completely re-plan the layout of the reception a week before the wedding, or fib and have 50 empty place settings. Hoping my mom is borrowing trouble and this won’t actually be a problem. I will be pretty embarrassed if there are twice as many seats as we need at all these parties.</p>
<p>My FMIL has been vocal about welcoming me to the family, she says she thinks of me as her daughter and she has been very warm and wonderful about things. They don’t have a lot of means, but my parents aren’t much better off and I don’t think my parents were asking for much-- that is where my parents are coming from with this. They were willing to let everything go but got really upset about the rehearsal dinner. My mom was saying we just weren’t going to have one in the hopes that fiance’s mom would jump in and do it, but she didn’t, and I was freaking out because not having one was unacceptable when people are traveling for the rehearsal and everyone would think I was the tacky one if we didn’t have one, so I found a restaurant where I can do it cheap and booked it even though I can’t afford it. I think my mom is going to end up giving me the money for it but she is really, really mad. I just want to get married and not have everybody hate each other afterward.</p>
<p>If we had paid for the wedding ourselves the only thing we could have afforded was a private courthouse type wedding with just our parents, we bought a house last year and what little money we have these days is being saved for babies in the near future. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of wedding, but it meant a lot to my parents to be able to throw us a standard “Ema” Family Wedding, especially given that they do not believe in helping with college-- this is their way of starting me off on my way to adulthood. I do think that’s my family’s prerogative and if that’s what they want they should pay for it, but on the subject of different expectations, it goes a long way towards getting along if both sides participate in some way. There were a lot of really inexpensive ways to contribute. But it also goes a long way towards getting along if you recognize your kids will have to deal with their in-laws their whole lives and it’s better to let things go than stir up bad blood they will never be able to escape.</p>