<p>I’ve been to weddings where there were unoccupied tables- for the most part, no one noticed. Many venues ask for a last minute count and are willing to adjust accordingly. But to keep the preferred room, you could be responsible for some cover charges for the missing count. The venue is likely looking at their own revenues.</p>
<p>MIL couldn’t afford much. She and her best friend just made a nice dinner at bf’s house, just pulled up extra chairs to the table, got out the nice china, etc. If it comes down to this- offering you, the bride, a chance to have a rehearsal dinner, can you just do this sort of thing at your parents’ home or a friend’s? We had chicken divan casseroles (MIL’s specialty) and everyone was happy. Even buffet style, people just want to be included in that last pre-wedding event.</p>
<p>I think it’s a pretty complicated question. Personally, I am not interested in having anyone help with the wedding costs and would probably decline the money, even if offered. And I am not wealthy or have a ton of savings by any means. I know paying for a wedding would require A LOT of sacrifices on my and future husband’s part. Still, I would rather pay for it myself.</p>
<p>Sitll, in the situation you described, I am not sure it’s fair to say the groom’s family should have paid. As you mentioned, you just bought a house. You chose to spend the money you had in a certain way, and buying a house is a luxury, especially in your early 20’s, for most people I know. I am not saying it’s a bad choice by any means - I acually think it may be a good one (although, just as a personal choice, I would try to avoid major expenses before a wedding and probably wouldn’t buy a house or even a car right before). You are also saving for kids. Again, it’s a wise choice, but it’s a choice nonetheleses. You want to prioritize having a house, and the sacrifice you make is not having enough money for a big wedding - I don’t think either family should then feel like they have to help you out, just because of your choice. Your parents want to, and that’s great, but there is nothing wrong with not wanting to, in my opinion.</p>
<p>Maybe reschedule about the shower or cancel whichever seems the right thing. Batchelorette ditto - or if just a few, smaller celebration. Enjoy and not stress two events prior to wedding.</p>
<p>You may have the problem we had where people were coming but did not RSVP using the stamped return mailer. Go through with mom (or whoever best knows the people that haven’t RSVP’d) and come up with the best guess.</p>
<p>Is there some help on table re-layout if that is needed with the smaller room? Of course you may have reason to expect that enough will come. I do not have a problem with empty tables.</p>
<p>Work with the facts you have and the best path you can. Do not ‘borrow trouble’ with worrying about what may or may not happen. You are not in this alone, and have those around you help and also share to decrease or defuse your anxieties and disappointments.</p>
<p>Smaller shower and/or bachelorette party should also help reduce costs and stress. Go with the flow–accept the smaller numbers and reschedule or cancel. Have the person who best knows those who haven’t rsvp’d follow up to get at least a verbal response or email response on whether guests are attending so food is not wasted or short. </p>
<p>Thus will work out fine as long as you can remain flexible. BREATHE, Eva!</p>
<p>I’d call everyone who hasn’t RSVP’d. I’ve found that people have gotten very lazy and don’t really appreciate the repercussions of leaving you in limbo. If the shower/bachelorette is getting really small, can you just do something like takeout in someone’s home? My shower was three friends taking me out for brunch and giving me a waffle iron. I survived. :)</p>
<p>I didnt know people still had engagement or bachelorette parties, it must vary by region.
To me it seems silly, isnt the wedding and after party enough of a chance for attention?
I don’t have time for that, and as oftentimes the friends of the couple are scattered all over the country/world and so to expect them to take a huge block of time to attend multiple events, when they likely already have their own vacation planned elsewhere seems like an imposition.
Also by consolidating or eliminating, everyone can save money.
:)</p>
<p>I didn’t have a shower or bachelorette party. DIL was horrified at the idea and vetoed it (she is pretty introverted and hates the idea of being the center of attention) – a friend of mine had offered to have a shower for her.</p>
<p>I think it helps to try to figure out what any stress is really about- concerns Mom is disappointed, worried friends haven’t picked up the ball, some little thing we disagree with fiance over, etc. Then put it in its own corner. I know sometimes it feels like the whole shebang is the priority, but it’s really a set of pieces. Love, ceremony, dress/cake/drinks. After that, the rest is just what floats around that. And don’t let the thread or some comments add to your stress. </p>
<p>I have only recently heard of engagement parties. They’re either not that common around here or in my income bracket. </p>
<p>My bridal party has about as many males as females and I don’t have too many close female friends. My man of honor is throwing my bachelorette party and I think it’s going to consist of laser tag and a dinner with drinks. His mom even offered to cook the dinner. </p>
<p>Bachelor/bachelorette parties, like weddings, can be big, small, or nonexistent. I don’t particularly understand a big party before the wedding but to each his/her own!! </p>
<p>Ema, instead of cancelling, can you just go out to a niceish dinner with your sister, whatever bridesmaids can come, and maybe some close female friends? Just a thought </p>
<p>Rehearsal dinner: parties were held on the wedding eve to chase away the evil spirits. The more noise the better.</p>
<p>Families on opposite sides of the aisle: Fathers would sometimes offer their daughters as peace offerings to warring tribes. Because of the hostility, the families were placed on opposite sides of the church so the ceremony could go on without bloodshed. The ceremony united the two warring factions into on family, and danger of war was resolved. </p>
<p>I’m–probably somewhat tediously --on record as disliking showers and batchelor(ette) parties. Who is hosting the shower? Presumably not you or your mother? Can’t it just be held at someone’s house, even your own, with simple refreshments or takeout? I would cancel the bachelorette party, which ought to be planned by someone else, anyway. You can have a simple brunch/lunch or tea for you and your friends at your house or elsewhere if you want to have a “girls only” get-together. Again, this is usually something planned by others, not the bride. Didn’t your attendants say they wanted to do something? </p>
<p>ema, we so wish we could take away your stress! I know that your shower and reception require a minimum number of attendees for the venues that have been booked. I like the idea of a smaller shower at someone’s home. Is it too late to cancel the shower venue reservation?</p>
<p>What is the difference in the rooms for the wedding? I don’t think empty tables for missing guests (if it would possibly be half of your invitees) would look very good. But a scaled-down affair (the 60-70 guests you mentioned) could be lovely, in a smaller room. You mentioned some close relatives are snubbing you. What’s that all about?</p>
<p>Will you have to pay for meals for non-attendees if you use the larger room? Or is the catering cost separate from the room rental?</p>
Besides the hosting of the rehearsal dinner, what are other “obligations” that are traditionally or typically expected for the groom’s family? A few I can think of: the rings? the cost (at least 50% or 100%) of honeymoon? To simplify it a little bit, let’s assume that both the bride and the groom do not have any money so both of them financially rely on their parents. Is it appropriate that the groom’s family just write a check (of not large amount, say, $10’000) and let the bride’s family handle everything else? Assuming here that the groom’s family is really small, like having just a few (say, 3 or 4) family members, will it also give the bride’s family headache because of the extremely small size of attendees from groom’s family?</p>
<p>mcat, you’re asking a lot of questions that are greatly going to vary by family. </p>
<p>I don’t know why having a small groom’s family would cause a headache.
IME, the rings and honeymoon are funded by the couple… even if they’re poor (you just do what you can afford).
It might be appropriate for the groom’s family to just write a check (that’s what my in-laws are doing).</p>
<p>Again, it really, really depends on the couple. I don’t think there’s any way to generalize when it comes to weddings. They vary so much by region, background, SES, religion, etc, etc. </p>
<p>not large amount, say, $10’000 Ho ho ho. And presumably the bride side pays more? I know some will pay more, up to exorbitant sums, but this thread is about a smaller level. The question arose about the groom’s side where they can’t pay much, I think.</p>
<p>Here’s an extreme, my very most traditional classmates, very wealthy: groom’s side paid for ring, rehearsal dinner, groomsmen’s suits and lodging, (probably any flights to bring them in,) honeymoon. Most of that can’t hold for most of us in this day and age. I don’t think the etiquette books today would even lay it out that strictly. </p>
<p>DH’s mom basically paid for a small tea in her home when my family arrived. She and a friend made tea and small sandwiches, cheese & crackers. And sherry. Her bff gave the casserole rehearsal dinner. Wine, but probably also sherry at some point. My mother contributed little. The wedding was lovely. We focused on what we thought were our highest priorities but doing those parts elegantly as we could, on our tight budget (small touches that rang for us.) The marriage lasted.</p>
<p>Thanks to romani and lookingforward for answering my questions,</p>
<p>As regard to the reference to “not large amount”, I really do not have any idea or a reference point, so I come up with an arbitrary number. But I do know that one of my wife’s friends (btw whose husband had actually been forced to have an early retirement by a large company before 57 yo, one year before their D’s marriage so they are not very rich) married off her D by writing the groom and the bride $50’000. We really have no means to match that “high standard”, after having paid the tuitions for the past 6 or 7 years.</p>
<p>We are thinking along the line of estimating how much we need to save for this, just like saving for college when our child was young.</p>
<p>In what universe is $10K not a large check?</p>
<p>BTW, Ema, in response to an earlier post in which the writer suggested avoiding large expenses such as buying a house in favor of funding an extravagant wedding, I think you and your fiance had your priorities straight. </p>
<p>The median spent on a wedding in the US is ~$18k (actually it’s probably even less than that as the data comes from those that visit TheKnot) That includes the rings but I don’t know whether or not that includes the honeymoon. </p>
<p>I know this is probably just a language barrier but this phrasing: “married off her D by writing the groom and the bride $50’000” really creeps me out (marrying off D with a check for X). $50k is way, way, WAY more than the majority of people spend. </p>
<p>DS used to have a friend in college who was from South Korea. He told him that the average of wedding cost in south korea is 45 to 50 thousands. So 10 thousands is “below average” over there, I think. Also, the ratio of financial burden of groom’s family and that of the bride’s family is like 3 to 1. So the “miserable index” for the groom or his family is much higher. It is strange that the average income of their young generation is really not that high (maybe 30k?) Their parents must have heavy financial burden.</p>
</p>
--on record as disliking showers and batchelor(ette) parties. Who is hosting the shower? Presumably not you or your mother? Can’t it just be held at someone’s house, even your own, with simple refreshments or takeout? I would cancel the bachelorette party, which ought to be planned by someone else, anyway. You can have a simple brunch/lunch or tea for you and your friends at your house or elsewhere if you want to have a “girls only” get-together. Again, this is usually something planned by others, not the bride. Didn’t your attendants say they wanted to do something? </p>