<p>Well, hindsight is 20-20, they say. She has you-know-what for pressuring you into meeting her wants. And if the bride is neutral, all the much more. </p>
<p>I have two girls but I think nowadays when people are not getting married until they are out of college/ living together, it is more common for the couple to pay for their own wedding or for both families to make a contribution if what they had in mind is a bit bigger than the couple could afford.</p>
<p>H& I paid for our own celebration, as we had been living together for a few years even though we were still pretty young.
We gave money to D & her H for ?, but I have no idea if her inlaws also helped out. As I mentioned they eloped, they didn’t take a trip & the reception is a backyard BBQ, so it’s possible our contribution is paying for most of it!</p>
<p>The problem is that even when out of college and living together, much of the income for the couple is going towards loan repayment. Especially given the rates of underemployment among grads and whatnot. </p>
<p>When my fiance and I get married next summer, we’ll have been living together for over 3 years and he’ll have been out of college for 2 years while I will have just finished my master’s. As I’m not really working, he’s completely covering our living costs and his loans. We’re getting a set amount from his parents (his parents have all boys and they’re all getting the same amount). My parents are contributing what they can. Neither set of parents has made any demands, nor would they (though my MIL did originally refuse to support us in any way, but she’s come around). </p>
<p>If we were to wait until we could finance it, we’d likely be living in a different state as we plan on moving once I graduate. That just seems like a logistical nightmare. </p>
<p>Bevhills, I do admire you. As a future MOG (someday), I just cannot get behind some elaborate things. I still work 6 days a week, and expect to do so until 70. I’ve been waiting years to see Italy, China, Austria, New Orleans, etc., I will not pay thousands to dress chairs. Good food, nice venue, music. I will pay for hotel rooms for son’s friends and my few relatives (rather like a bribe to get them there). I’m estimating 12 people from my family & his friends will travel cross country. $50,000? so 'they" can show off? NO WAY I already promised local friends I’d have a party here. </p>
<p>I’ve been in this rodeo before. I gave son a lovely Bar Mitzvah and my folks a 50th, both at country clubs. I found perfect center pieces and take home gifts (Kosher dark chocolate lap tops for a CS theme), piano player, hand made centerpieces (favorite Nintendo figures surrounded by flowers). </p>
<p>I love nice things. I like being in control. I recall asking son, “Which would you prefer, an ice cream bar with server, or a Expresso station?” Things like that. </p>
<p>I guess I am being long-winded. I had no problem negotiating with son and grandparents. I believe I would have the same tactics with in-laws: “What matters more to you, the band or the table settings?” Questions like that. If I cannot justify an extra $1000 for flowers or such, then it is not going to happen. </p>
<p>To sum, stay true, be aware of your backbone. When MOB suggests more, nicely say, “So, what should I cut back on?” Do not let her over rule your good sense. It is easy to spend another person’s money.
'</p>
<p>Then there’s my situation, where groom’s family is more modern and thinks weddings are totally the kids responsibility, and bride’s family thinks it should be a shared responsibility for the whole family-- with everyone paying the “customary” expenses. My parents were willing to cover basically all of the cost with us just picking up a few extra things here and there but as I’ve mentioned have not been pleased that groom’s family wasn’t willing to contribute in SOME small way. Helping with the $300 rehearsal dinner would have been nice, especially since it’s mainly just their family coming and it’s not a huge expense. But, I am over it and my mom seems to have FINALLY gotten over it, too. I do not care one iota who pays for what, I just want my wedding day to be here!</p>
<p>I am glad people don’t assume that because we are living together we are established. We are living together because we are most certainly not established and could not afford to maintain two separate households, and our one is quite difficult. My student loans are crippling. We could have thrown our own wedding, but it would have been a private parents-only type ceremony. Which would have been lovely but a major disappointment for the family that would be excluded and a break in decades old family traditions. Tradition is important to our family. So, we do what we do, and his family does what they do, and it all works out in the end. The important thing is to be able to walk way from the wedding day with just the marriage, leaving the wedding behind. My goal was to not get embroiled in drama that would stick with us forever, and I think we’ve managed that-- THANK GOODNESS!!!</p>
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<p>This is priceless! ^:)^ </p>
<p>The problem is that even when out of college and living together, much of the income for the couple is going towards loan repayment. Especially given the rates of underemployment among grads and whatnot.</p>
<p>I agree it is expensive to throw a big party that you want to be nice enough that it is worth hiring a photographer for. I wish we could have had a honeymoon or even a photographer, I expect my D wishes the same thing, but maybe not. She did finally get a pretty good job, but she still has grad school loans as does her husband. Neither I or my h had school loans because I didn’t even know that they existed. I was paying for college by working, which was easier than now but still difficult. that didn’t last long as I felt pressure to get a better paying job, and drop school.</p>
<p>I think it’s appropriate for families to pay for what’s important to them, but the couple should be the primary deciders of the event. If their families want to contribute & the couple goes along with that, great!
But if they find that their parents are giving more input than needed or wanted and they go along with that because they want to keep the bankroll coming, are they really independent/mature enough to get married?</p>
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<p>I don’t think that’s really a fair statement. You can be plenty mature/independent and still receive an incredible amount of pressure. It might be on the surface of “you have to go along with mom’s wishes or she’ll pull funding” but in reality, it’s “You have to go along with mom’s wishes to keep things as peaceful as possible and keep the family together.” Unfortunately, I’ve learned that some families really ARE that petty. </p>
<p>I’m still chewing on: if it doesn’t matter so much to the kids, should the less financially able parents be allowed to dictate to the parents who can afford a bit more, have them spend more for “my” dreams? I don’t think I could do that, it feels rude. It could be different if the wealthier side said, hey, what they heck, we can just throw more into the pot, don’t give it a second thought, we can share decisions equitably. (Not that the wealthier could have 50 guests and I get 10.)</p>
<p>If Bev’s MOB had dreams, she could have planned a bit better.</p>
<p>“You have to go along with mom’s wishes to keep things as peaceful as possible and keep the family together.”</p>
<p>If your family is that fragile that kowtowing to wants that are in opposition to your own is necessary to keep peace, you are just setting the stage for similar scenarios in the future.
Forming a new family, imo, is the time to prove to yourself you are ready for that step.</p>
<p>Oh, please. </p>
<p>Those are my beliefs and my values, sorry if you don’t agree.
I don’t have a lot of patience with those who bend their own values, depending on how much they benefit in the short term.</p>
<p>ahhh yes…the chairs…suvari or or the bows in back…We are not doing that. Forget the expense. I remember going to a wedding with the silk cushions. I was wearing silk…you know what can happen? I sat down and slid. I almost slide to the floor. I grabbed the table AND a stranger next to me. After that I sat gingerly down…None of that silky stuff at my kid’s wedding.</p>
<p>emeraldkty, one could also say that a wedding–which is fraught with emotion for ALL participants, including the parents–is not necessarily the best time to stand on principle regarding stuff that really doesn’t matter much in the long run. Picking your battles is a good idea. This is true of all participants.</p>
<p>That was really the way my wedding planning went, consolation. I originally envisioned a small formal dinner party at a local historic home. I did like that idea. But I wasn’t dead set against my family’s traditional dinner, DJ, and a hall wedding either and when I realized how important it was to my parents, grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc I decided it was more important to share this fun and happy experience with the whole family in a way they know how to appreciate it. I wasn’t prepared to die on that hill, so to speak. And in the end I think I am going to be happier with what my mom wanted than what I thought I wanted anyway, I am not remotely disappointed even if I thought I might be 9 months ago when the decision was made. In the end, it’s just a wedding. I want it to be memorable and special, not fighting tooth and nail with my mom and drawing lines in the sand really goes a long way toward accomplishing that… so, you win some you lose some. My parents being happy enough to continue paying made the difference of whether or not we were able to include all the friends and family we wanted, and my parents “demands” have not been unreasonable. We’ve been a team these last 10 months.</p>
<p>It is easy to say “have the wedding you can afford,” but even barbecue in the backyard can get really expensive for 50+ people to a young couple starting out with student loans, to me “have the wedding you can afford” translates to excluding most of the family which just isn’t how we do things. So since help was offered, I took it, and we’ve worked together. I haven’t gotten EVERYTHING the way I wanted it, but I got what was important. And it means a lot to my parents to do this for me, to them this is their financial contribution to my “launch” just like some families think of college tuition. Agree or disagree, but that’s how we do it. </p>
<p>Emahee’s future inlaws (refusing to pay for the rehearsal dinner) and Bevhills’ son’s future in-laws (making demands when they are already shirking their responsibility) sound like boors. </p>
<p>Ema, you are a breath of fresh air! Wishing you an absolutely wonderful wedding day and a long and happy marriage. How did the shoe shopping work out?</p>
<p>I’ve been thinking of Ema, and then purely by chance discovered this post by her (with pics!) on another thread. She is a beautiful bride! <a href=“Weight Loss for Dummies - #5406 by Emaheevul07 - Parent Cafe - College Confidential Forums”>Weight Loss for Dummies - #5406 by Emaheevul07 - Parent Cafe - College Confidential Forums;
<p>^^^She looks great!!</p>
<p>Oh, CTTC, thanks. This is making me smile. So lovely.</p>