<p>MOB in BH’s situation is clearly out of bounds but, geez, I do worry about whatever making MIL pay the piper will bear negative fruit down the line with grandkids, holidays, etc. </p>
<p>/mixed metaphors anyone?</p>
<p>To paraphrase what’s been attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can manipulate you, without your consent.”<br>
If the MOB had come to me with these demands, a) I could see a compromise in some aspects, but not a total yield. b) But I don’t plan to spend 35-50k+ on a wedding, plain and simple, not our style, not how we spend our assets, not how we get our jollies. So why would I go all out of whack for the MOB? </p>
<p>“Oh but you’re wealthier than we are and these are my dreams, how I want to impress my friends-?” Not in my book. </p>
<p>One month from yesterday is S1’s big day. I’ve moved from “saving money” to “get it and get it now.” These aren’t the really big ticket items, but things like my shoes, rehearsal dinner decorations, landscaping, etc. Still…all those overages add up.</p>
<p>250 guests, we are paying most of it. ~$12,000, which for here is probably in-line with average cost of # of people. I can’t believe what food and photography cost. I consider her my oldest daughter. We are close and I feel very very lucky I could be so involved. Her mother hasn’t been present much of her life and I know she feels it keenly.</p>
<p>S2 is engaged too and I do think about the need to keep things “even”. Their wedding date is not yet set so we’ll see how it goes.</p>
<p>250 guests??? 8-X </p>
<p>I don’t believe that most gifts will be cash. I notice that here most every gift is a thing. </p>
<p>Mr. Ellebud and I come from small families. We are going to a Sephardic wedding soon…450 people. Now THAT is a huge wedding to us. In their family a big wedding is 2000…I cannot imagine that.</p>
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<p>Do they actually know all 2000 people? </p>
<p>
That’s a deal.
Hard to find that in the Bay Area where my D was married (we paid for everything except the rehearsal dinner) and Long Island where my S will be married soon. I am glad we are only expected to pay for rehearsal dinner.</p>
<p>As the grooms parents, arent we supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner and the flowers?</p>
<p>Traditionally I think groom’s parents pay for rehearsal dinner plus corsages, boutonnieres and bride’s bouquet. Since we (bride’s family) were doing all the flowers already, I just did everything. I did ask son’s fiancee about paying for the corsages, bride’s bouquet, but she said not to worry.</p>
<p>DS and fiancee are looking at venues within driving distance of their home, but have this idea that people will come for a long weekend. And they want us to have a big all inclusive dinner for everyone the night before the wedding. Heck, they could jsu get married then if we’re gonna do that 
We’ll do whatever they want. I am awaiting further instruction.</p>
<p>I think it’s the old custom that the groom’s side does X only (sometimes that included the honeymoon.) When I looked at more modern guides, it left a lot to personal situations, with the idea there should be some reasonable balance in wants and contributions.</p>
<p>I really don’t have issue with the Ellebuds kicking in more- just the MOB’s attitude. Sounds like she has had Bev scurrying- and if MOB doesn’t come up with her “costs,” it still leaves Bev to manage the retreat to plan B. </p>
<p>Neither of mine is anywhere close to all this. I do drop hints a destination wedding would be nice. </p>
<p>When I got married 25 years ago, my father, God rest his soul, paid for everything except the rehersal dinner (DH and I split that with my in-laws) and some small things like the bridesmaids’ luncheon, for which I paid. He opened a separate checking account with the entire wedding budget in it. If we overspent, H and I made up the difference. Any money we saved would be ours to keep … we still have bookcase and chest we bought with the “leftovers.”
@jym626 - We have two Ss and when the time comes, I’m not planning on paying for anything but the traditional groom’s family’s responsibilities, with maybe one “extra” thing like the photographer. S, the bride and the bride’s family will just have to cut their suit to fit their cloth … of course, that’s easy for me to say now. </p>
<p>Bestfriendsgirl,
I want to tread lightly as this is the beginning of a long relationship on many levels. We’ve met her parents several times and they are lovely, gracious people. We are hosting a large engagement luncheon in our home town in a few months, as there are many that wont be able to travel across country for the wedding, or wont be invited, as I think they are trying to use venues with size limits.</p>
<p>We’ve had two of our sons marry, so far. Our oldest married a girl with deceased parents, heartbreaking. H and I covered the entire wedding except for the bride’s gown. DIL and I really bonded over the planning process, and fortunately, have very similar tastes. No problems what-so-ever. I still remember her turning to me with a shocked expression when the florist tallied the bill, saying she had no idea of the cost and that she wanted to change her choices to more inexpensive flowers. I told her that I expected that amount and we were not changing anything! She continually expressed her gratitude and the process was a true delight of my life. Having three boys, I never thought I would get to be so actively involved in the wedding planning, and DIL never thought she would be able to afford to have a big fancy wedding. Win, win.</p>
<p>Wedding couple number two set a budget when they started the planning process. H and I offered half the amount to the couple to use as they wished. The bride’s parents said they had planned to shoulder the budgeted amount, so the couple used our funds for their honeymoon, a small budget overage and had a bit left over to tuck away. H and I also hosted the rehearsal dinner and post wedding brunch for guests staying at the hotel. I knew I would not be as closely involved in the decision making but DIL and her mom were very good at keeping me in the loop. Another painless process and very happy event.</p>
<p>Keeping my fingers crossed that we will be as fortunate when the time comes for S3 to marry.</p>
<p>We’ve thought of giving S1 and FDIL half their budget as a gift and letting them decide how they want to spend it. Her family can’t afford to contribute at all, so the couple feel uncomfortable about taking money from us. We also don’t want to make her family feel badly.</p>
<p>Jym, we may also end up with a rehearsal dinner that has as many guests as the wedding. It’s still over a year away, so we’ll be talking to the couple to see if they really want everyone at the dinner and how to not make it into a second wedding.</p>
<p>Ok tough question. What gift do you give the kids? Paying for the honeymoon seems a bit steep. </p>
<p>I can’t even be gracious to my daughter’s boyfriend and family when they are coming for her graduation. Her HIGH SCHOOL graduation. They’ve been dating 2 years, but long distance the entire time. Father called me to plan the summer, D’s summer, which didn’t involve me at all. I thought about it for one day and said no, they could come to graduation and then she can go with them for a 2 week vacation, and that’s it. No RV trip across the country, no trip to her college, no working in California for the summer. Now they want to leave immediately after the grad ceremony when before they going to leave 3 days later.</p>
<p>I so hope there is no wedding to plan. Ever. It would definitely be the case of me wanting a wedding for 50 people and they for 500, me thinking a luncheon is perfect and them wanting dinner at the Ritz.</p>
<p>Our wedding gift to our daughter was her wedding. I spent a year planning and executing it all since she lived across the country. It was not easy because SIL was definitely very opinionated even though he wasn’t paying.
Our wedding gift to our son will be 2 business class tickets for their honeymoon in Asia. In addition, I am giving them several hotel nights from my Starwood account.
We are having 60 people for the rehearsal dinner while there will be more than 200(venue minimum is 200 for Sat night) at the wedding.</p>
<p>If I were to invite everyone we know (business and social), 3rd cousins et all I believe we might hit 125. I do understand how a wedding in the Sephardic tradition can be huge: Families had many children who married and children. Many lived in Muslim countries. To survive all the families had to get along. The connections were kept in business, social and marriages and self defense. And, as I can ascertain the families may fight but the bottom line is get over it.</p>
<p>If one is giving a destination wedding one should invite everyone to the rehearsal dinner and the day after brunch. Usually the groom’s family pays here. However in the Sephardic community the groom’s family pays for everything…the brides family buys an expensive watch for the groom. We are not Sephardic. So we will have the triple whammy.</p>
<p>We will be giving our son and dil a small amount of cash and a cruise… </p>
<p>We have family is Israel and last summer one of our grandnieces got married. The guests numbered about 450… easy to get to that number because the groom’s father had 9 siblings, each of those siblings had a family of minimum of 4 kids, many already married with spouses and their own families. Plus if you live in a community as my niece and her husband do, pretty much you are friends with everyone in that community of the same age… and so for the most part their entire congregation is invited. If the congregants have children the same age as the groom and bride, they are generally friends. When my great-nephew got married, he and his fiance were from the same community so all the friends of the parents on both sides were included. Going back to grandniece, two different communities involved and one of the families was prominent, so many friends and associates.</p>
<p>As for me when the d’s get married, we don’t have such a large social circle and I don’t see myself planning any huge weddings, small and tasteful. When one of our friend’s sons got married and he had become super-religious, our friends were told that they were were responsible for FLOPS… .what are FLOPS you might ask… .flowers, liquor, orchestra, photographer and 2 shetels for the bride. Since wedding is separate seating, flowers are only on the women’s side… now I have been to many religious weddings in my life, most of which involve separate seating… this one involved separate staircases… as men and women could not walk down the same staircase. which was a new one for me. </p>