How do I talk to girls in college? Do I have any chance of getting a girlfriend?

College Life
1

First off, a few things about me…

I just graduated from high school three weeks ago. I’m 18 years old (although unfortunately, I look a little young for my age, more like 16 or 17) and soon, I’ll be heading off to a great, uncertain, difficult, and for many people, sex-filled adventure known as college. I’m sure you’ll all be shocked to hear this given the title of my question, but I’ve had a lifelong fear of approaching girls and I’ve (gasp!) never had a girlfriend. Yes, I know, my life is an internet cliche, but hear me out…

That’s not the whole story, though. Yes, I’m nerdy, but I wouldn’t say I’m excessively nerdy. Sure I’ve played World of Warcraft before, but unlike my mom, I’m hardly addicted to it or obsessed with it. It’s not even close to being my favorite thing to do with my time. I like reading, too, but not typical nerd books - I’ll read anything crime-related (especially if it involves serial killers, they’re so fascinating!!!), but I dabble in classic literature and other genres as well.

Those aren’t really my main interests, though. I would have to say my main interests are writing and film with a side of history, current events, and geography. I won’t deny it, when it comes to film, I am a total nerd! Not that all the movies I watch are really nerdy (some are, though), but I have a deep interest in it that goes beyond just watching whatever’s playing at my local theater. I love researching different directors, the best films from different time periods, and then finding out how those films were made and how people reacted to them. Like with books, I have a soft spot for crime films, mysteries, thrillers, psychological horror, film noir, and black comedy, but I’ll watch just about anything that looks interesting. That goes for TV shows, too, which in my opinion have surpassed current movies in regards to quality.

Sorry, I know I got a bit off topic there, but I just want to make sure people know me as well as possible so they can give me more accurate advice. Now, you might assume that I’m a really awkward guy who gets tongue-tied whenever he’s around girls and is terrible at having conversations, but that is absolutely not true! I love conversations! I don’t mean to brag, but the few girls I’ve actually talked to all had a lot of fun, I could tell - they were all laughing and smiling to beat the band, even when I could tell they’d never be attracted to me in a million years. In fact, you guys can probably tell from my endless rambling post how much of a chatterbox I am! No, the conversation part of dating is not a problem for me…

My dating prospects are not as rosy as they might seem, however. Even though I’ve extensively looked at advice on how to get a girlfriend and determined that believe it or not, I actually have a lot of qualities that women find attractive in men, I have several major negative qualities that make my mostly positive personality null and void. For one thing, I’m merely average looking (although my mom would say otherwise, but you know how moms are), but that doesn’t seem to be as big a problem as my persistent, neurotic fear of women and my massive lack of confidence in my own dating abilities. Perhaps my biggest problem of all is that when it comes to dating, I don’t even know where to begin.

I don’t know what to say to girls to get them to even consider me worthy of talking to. Whenever I see a girl that I’m even mildly attracted to, my mind instantly gets flooded with thoughts along the lines of, “She thinks you’re a creep. Don’t even bother trying,” as well as, “You’re a pathetic loser. You don’t deserve her.” I generally don’t feel like that, though - only when I’m around or thinking about girls, which for the latter is admittedly often. The irony is that in general, I’m actually a pretty confident guy. Unlike most people, I’ve never had a fear of public speaking and I actually enjoy performing in front of large crowds of people. Girls have even complimented me on my performing abilities, to which I often act really awkward and embarrassed in response, ruining any advantage I might’ve had from my uninhibited stage presence. If I knew a girl would be as receptive and kind to me as a stage audience or if there was any way I could ask her out in front of a large crowd, I would do so in a heartbeat because I would know she couldn’t be as cruel to me as she could be in private.

And I LIKE talking to girls! Once I get to know them a little bit and see how they’re people just like me, they don’t make me nervous at all! I just don’t know how to break the ice, you know what I’m saying? I just don’t know how to walk up to some random girl who I’m very attracted to and get us to both let down our guards enough to have a wonderful conversation that leads to a wonderful relationship. And tragically, that is why I’ve never had a girlfriend. Any advice on how to do this would be greatly appreciated!!!

Now, I realize that most of you have gotten sick of my incessant, self-absorbed rambling and stopped reading this and I can sympathize with that, but for those of you that are still here, I’d like to clarify my second question. By getting a girlfriend, I don’t mean getting a drunk sorority girl to have barely consensual sex with me for one night. If I wanted something so cold and impersonal, I would save myself the trouble of posting long rants on the internet and just see a prostitute. No, I want to have an actual steady relationship with a girl.

Yes, I’m sure I’ll get some comments telling me that a girlfriend isn’t worth the emotional baggage, that I’m stupid, idealistic, and romantic, that I’d be better off just hooking up with random girls, but you know what, fuck those comments! Now, I’m no prudish fanatic and I have nothing against hooking up. I’m sure it’s a lot of fun for a lot of people and I would never call someone a slut or judge them for sleeping around, I just know it isn’t for me. I know I could only ever feel comfortable having sex with someone who I trusted and knew really well, let’s just leave it at that.

Now from what I’ve heard from the vast chasm of information known as the internet, college girls are a lot more open to experimenting with relationships, which for me is both good news and bad news. The good news is that I’m sure I could meet girls with similar interests to me who wouldn’t be as staunchly opposed to dating a nerdy, unattractive guy. The bad news is that I think college girls might be more restless and less willing to settle into a long-term relationship. I know the breakup at the end of said relationship is inevitable and painful, but it’s the only way I’m willing to operate because with dating, I need to feel a sense of security, not nightly uncertainty.

I am honest, frank, genuine, unpretentious, a little hot-headed, and most of all, loyal. When I find something I like, I stick with it. I don’t betray people or get bored of them, never! Besides all the usual stuff like attractive, funny, nice, intelligent, the most important qualities I would need my girlfriend to have would be honesty, loyalty, and for her to feel the same level of attraction to me that I feel to her. That is all. Long-winded rant over. Please give me as much advice on how to initiate conversations with college girls and how to maintain relationships with them as you think anyone could ever possibly need!!!

Sorry, I know it was really long. Thanks for reading and helping!!!

2

Have confidence and know what’s socially appropriate/inappropriate.

3

I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t read the whole thing, I skimmed after getting enough.

You’re going about this completely wrong: you don’t “get” a girlfriend. You meet a person who you find attractive and like as a person and then stuff will develop, loosely based on some of the factors you mentioned but it varies by person a ton.

Being a nerd isn’t a problem like you think. I’m a CS major who had good fun in high school and even more so far in college. It’s probably not a lack of good qualities, though you may have some very specific ones driving girls away. For example, frank and honest don’t mix well off the bat, and add that to the external view of your interests and it makes sense.

People don’t look for relationships mathematically, they look at them as more involved friendships usually, even hookups. People look for someone they feel comfortable with as a person and then if more attraction is there on both sides, something will happen.

Nearly all of the relationships I’ve seen, long term or one night, started with friendship of some sort. Even if it was for a night and they just met. If that isn’t your base, you’re going to run into trouble, because then you aren’t considering someone as a person, you’re considering them for what they give/add to your life and/or superficial things. Even some of the “deeper” things still aren’t a good thing to use when thinking about relationships. It’s more about how you interact with the person: if your styles of conversation, living, and such work together.

Basically, stop looking for a relationship or seeing girls as relationships. Approach them like you would any person. I have more girl friends than guy friends myself as a CS nerd, and it’s not because of my interests or “deeper” qualities: it’s because of the approach laid out above, and THEN it’s based on shared interests / functioning / qualities. They’re potential friends, just like a guy. Just with more possibility if there’s mutual interest and availability. Hell, if you’re bisexual, then everyone is potentially more. But that is just another layer of mutual compatibility essentially.

4

Don’t think that far ahead and try to be friends, with many friends you’ll get better and less awkward etc. Try for small goals until you reach the target. To get friends go join clubs, study sessions etc. If you aren’t worried about rejection etc and are just focused on hanging out, you’ll progress. Don’t try to run before walking

5

Thanks for the helpful advice! I’ll try to look at things from that perspective and I think it’ll help. The problem is, though, and admittedly this is mostly my fault for rambling too much and alienating readers, you only answered the second part of my question and not the first. I was also looking for some tips on how to start conversations with girls so I could break the ice and get us to both let our guards down. Can you please give me some advice on that, too? Thanks again!!!

6

From what you say, especially when you talk about movies, you have a lot of really cool, unusual interests. I think a lot of colleges show movies on campus, and a lot of times these are independent or socially/culturally important movies. Since most of the people that go to those types of films are already interested in movies, that might be a good place to start conversations about movies, which you obviously love. Just still remember that relationships develop over time, and the best romantic relationships, IMO, start as friendships.

7

Just be yourself. You will be miserable and exhausted by trying to maintain a facade to impress others.

A reasonable strategy is to find someone with whom you share a similar passion, e.g. joining a club or taking an interesting elective course.

When I moved for my 1st job, a friend of mine had me join a ballroom dancing class. That was heck of a lot of fun, and I met many new friends and connected w new networks. The dancing skill eventually sparked some romantic relationships.

8

The good news is that there is a girl/boy for everyone. Maybe even more than one. :slight_smile:

The bad news is that you’re remarkably self-absorbed as I think you even observed. In college it’s remarkably easy to meet someone and have sex, but it’s very unlikely to lead to any significant relationship. You need to focus on a potential partner more and less on yourself. Try having some maintainable friendships with members of the opposite sex before you worry so much about what the next step is and where it will lead.

9

When approaching girls, just be considerate. Don’t approach them when they’re with a large group friends or if they seem busy. But if you’re sitting next to someone who interests you in class and you both happen to come to class early, make a comment about your surroundings or ask a question. Go with the flow and don’t force anything if you can see that things aren’t working. Join some groups/clubs that interest you, that way you’ll be able to meet people who have the same interests.

Being a nerd is not as much of an issue as you think. I know plenty of nerdy guys that have successfully had relationships.Try to become friends with girls first before you go looking for a girlfriend. I’ve noticed that many friendships develop into relationships if the people get along well enough.

And lastly, relax. If you’re nervous, it makes everything harder. Don’t think so much about how you might screw up. And if you do say something silly, laugh it off and crack a light joke about yourself and move on. Confidence is key. Like other posters have suggested, don’t think so much about how YOU are presenting yourself and instead focus on how you can engage HER interest.

10
  1. "College girls" are just girls. They're the same as high school girls. Just a little older, and in some cases a little more mature. (Same as you, newly minted "college guy"!) So this:

    …is overthinking it.

  2. Breaking the ice is easiest when you find something in common. Everybody will be looking to join clubs and make friends. In clubs and in classes, your common ground is kind of built-in. Otherwise...carry your current reading material around with you. People may ask you about it. Likewise, feel free to ask other people about what they're reading. (A polite "Mind if I interrupt you, or are you at a really good part?" will do to start off.) I haven't met any boyfriends this way (wasn't really looking, had one back home, haha) but I have had funny, memorable encounters, which is what you're going for, at first.
11

Why are you worried about having a girlfriend in college?

Study. Have fun. learn. Get your degree.
You seem to be going to college for the wrong reason.

I stopped reading your “look at me, I’m great” book after the first couple of sentences.
Young ladies won’t like that you’re too self absorbed.

12

Take a film class and ask classmates to see a movie with you. Try Internet dating, then you can specify what you are after. Just for practice go out with some girls who aren’t that attractive - the less popular geeky girls. You will make their day.

13

Oh yeah, and unless you’re a Grand Slam tennis star, don’t wear black socks w shorts.

14

Also, don’t feel like women owe you anything…nobody owes you a date or anything.
Get to know people. Join clubs/activities and just get to know them slowly.
Ask if they want to get some coffee after class.

15

You sound like a really nice guy, very refreshing to hear your perspective on dating for your generation. I always tell my girls that in my day, there was a lot more serious relationships and not just random one night stands. Just based on what you wrote, I do think it will happen organically for you in college. I love the fact that you are self aware and know your shortcomings. Just by living in a coed dorm, your world is going to be very different. You may be sharing the same bathroom so the likelihood is your exposure to the opposite sex will be much more personal in nature. I can’t believe I just told you that you may meet the love of your life in the bathroom! Lol! Sometimes having a more social, outgoing friend can help you meet girls that you wouldn’t meet on your own. Good luck!