<p>NJres, that is what keeps people away at a time like this. Which is the saddest thing of all for the family. Say you are sorry, give them a hug, cry if you need to. Then follow their lead. If they want to talk about their child, they will do that. If they want you to tell them what is up in your life, they will ask you about it.</p>
<p>Don’t be alarmed if they cry. Give them a hug and ask if there’s anything you can do. They are undoubtedly still very raw.</p>
<p>To avoid a possible scenario where everyone pretends nothing happened, maybe “I don’t know if you want to talk about Daughter, but I miss her and feel so sad about her” and bring up a good memory of her, even a little one. Then, if they deflect the conversation back to you, follow their lead. (apologies if your friend is a him). And bless you for showing up. Many people won’t.</p>
<p>You are a thoughtful person and have received much good advice here. I think being yourself will work very well. If I lost a child, I believe it would hurt more if I also lost contact with all of the peers who knew them well- some of whom are very close to the family also. </p>
<p>I think it helps sometimes to view suicide as a consequence of a very serious illness, one that has a mortality rate, which it usually is. That can help with the second guessing those who cared for the person may do after such a sad event. Some losses can’t be prevented, despite everyone’s efforts. </p>
<p>I would consider myself very fortunate to be able to talk with you if I were a parent of one of your peers. Best to you and your friend’s family.</p>
<p>Like VeryHappy says–Do not be alarmed if they cry! I’d be crying and wanting to hear all your stories at the same time! You are not responsible for their very natural grief. Don’t take it as your own or think you are causing any of it.</p>
<p>Just wanted to thank everyone for there very helpful comments and update on what happened.</p>
<p>I went to their house today with my mom. We talked briefly about their child and high school/childhood experiences, but mostly about other topics and common interests for a little more than an hour. They seem to be doing as well as could possibly be expected, but it will be difficult for them to “restart” as they are an older couple, no other children or pets, don’t particularly like their jobs. </p>
<p>I think I will probably go again with my friends during spring break or sometime, when we’re all here again. They also gave me a small item which their child had taken to college.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend, clearlightofday. I hope that by connecting with your friend’s parents, you find your own sadness lessened as well. It’s hard to lose a friend, too.</p>
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<p>Exactly. Blessings to you, clearlightofday, and to your mom. Don’t hesitate to send an occasional note - something as simple as, ‘I thought of ______ today.’ And say her name when you talk to them. They will love to hear her name spoken aloud. Tell them any little thing that reminds you of your friend. It may seem little to you, but it will be very special to them.</p>
<p>I can only speak for myself, everyone is different. I lost my 22 year old son 15 months ago to suicide. I miss my son terribly. I also miss all the many friends that were always at our house. Some of the brave ones have kept in touch, texting (emailing, Facebooking, US mail) about how his pets are doing, how their teams are doing, how school is going for them or just to say Happy Mother’s day or “thinking of you”. I appreciate those who have kept in contact and pray that it will continue.<br>
Another thing that really meant a lot to me were those who took the time to write about my son and their rememberances of him. I cherish those and I will always have them. I appreciate those who ask how I am doing and really mean it. Listening and talking about my son may bring tears, but they are happy ones.
I have been able to talk to a few people about their insights into what went “wrong”,ie did they see it coming, did they know he was depressed. Most people find this incredibly difficult to do,because we all have our “what ifs”. It has helped me to hear their perspective but this is not something that pops up easily in conversation.
For those adults in the audience, don’t abandon those who have lost someone to suicide. They need you more than ever, but it has to be on their timetable. Keep extending invites for coffee, for exercise, for a movie, for dinner. For me, just having people nearby was/is helpful.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend.</p>
<p>heavyheart, I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your words of advice and suggestion. I think they are helpful for many of us.</p>
<p>Heavyheart, I’m so sorry.</p>
<p>Clearlightofday, I think it would be a kindness to write the parents a letter, a real letter on paper, talking about one or two memories you have of your friend, perhaps including a picture or two.</p>
<p>I guess this is off topic, but I think the same suggestions hold true for parents/siblings/anyone who have lost any loved one to an untimely death. Suicide might be hardest, but losing a child from any cause is terribly hard. Just being available to parents is a good thing. They will talk about it if they need to. I’d also say don’t feel bad about crying yourself. This is just a natural reaction.</p>
<p>heavyheart, thank you so much for sharing your feelings and experience. I’m so sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>heavyheart, thank you for sharing. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.</p>
<p>To the OP…I am so impressed with your willingness to visit your friend’s parents. I recently lost a friend to cancer and I was appalled at how easily the adults in her life dropped her off their radar as she became more seriously ill.
It’s a very good thing to do what you are doing.
Heavyheart - i wish I could give you a big hug.</p>
<p>Heavyheart – so sorry for the loss of your son. Clearlightofday – so sorry that you lost your friend. It is a good thing that you are doing, reaching out to the parents.</p>
<p>Blessings to you for visiting your friend’s parents. And thanks for sharing your perspective, heavy heart. So many people suffer losses; perhaps this thread will help them to find a way to help the families.</p>