<p>One of my high school classmates committed suicide during the first couple days of our freshman year, this past September. I sent their parents a letter/holiday card a couple weeks ago, and I am going to visit them in a week. </p>
<p>When I was talking to the person’s mother on the phone she mentioned that she wanted to hear about “exciting new things” I had done at college. Her child could have had a similar experience to me, as she was attending a different college in the same major city. How do I act in a way that is not offensive or makes it worse, and is there anything I can really do to make them feel better?</p>
<p>Also, I had a mini heart attack when the person’s parents call, and my phone said “Call from <em>deceased person</em>”</p>
<p>There’s nothing you can do to make them feel better about losing their own child. But, you can just be you, be loving and be sensitive. Talk a bit about your life. Tell them you miss ________. Listen a little, if they talk.</p>
<p>But, there’s not a thing you can do to “make them feel better.” You are completely off the hook on that one.</p>
<p>I agree with the above. They might also enjoy reminiscing about a happy and/or funny episode of you and their child. It’s great that you are thinking of them and staying in their life. I’m sure they really appreciate it.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear about your classmate. It’s very kind of you to think of your classmate’s parents and visit them.</p>
<p>A close relative of mine committed suicide several years ago. There isn’t much you can say to comfort someone who has just lost a family member in that way; often, it’s just enough that you be around and make the effort to stay in touch. I lost friends when my relative died because people just didn’t know what to say to me and found it easier to break contact than deal with the embarrassment. </p>
<p>Don’t feel that you can’t talk about your classmate or the fun times you had together, it can often be helpful for families of people who have committed suicide to focus on the good memories rather than the bad.</p>
<p>Also, it’s fine to talk about the new things going on in your life, it can provide a welcome distraction to hear about new and exciting things.</p>
<p>You should be yourself. Like the others have said, there is very little you can do about their loss. But you can encourage them by sharing nice experiences you’ve had in school. It’s alright to tell them you miss their child. They will understand.</p>
<p>There are some wonderful, thoughtful suggestions posted already. I would only add that you can follow their lead in conversation about their child. Just be real.</p>
<p>do you have any pictures of the 2 of you together? Those could be a nice starting point. </p>
<p>I think it is very hard to listen to someone in grief. Just allowing someone to talk is all you can do. Many people shy away from those who are grieving.</p>
<p>Time doesn’t heal a broken heart, it just teaches you how to live with it…
Listen to them, let them talk and just be there is probably the only thing I can add to the above advice…</p>
<p>They want to hear about how things are going in your life because they would have heard news about their child’s classmates through the child. They are missing this now.</p>
<p>I agree about listening, too. What a shame for all. My sympathies.</p>
<p>My daughter has remained close to the parents of a friend of hers who was murdered at age 20. They are so happy that their daughter’s friends make a point of visiting, phoning, and emailing - not just on the anniversary date or at her birthday, but at other times throughout the year. And they do want to hear about my d’s life - graduation, grad school, job hunt, boyfriend, etc. They are exceptionally generous people, but I’ve read and heard from many bereaved parents that it’s helpful, and brings them happiness, to stay in touch with their child’s friends, and to be able to talk about their child with other people who loved him or her.</p>
<p>My in-laws lost a child to suicide. I’d say to let the parents take the lead on how or whether they want to discuss the means of death. If they do, you are doing them a great kindness by listening. In fact, though you may feel awkward at first, you are doing them a great kindness by remaining involved in their lives.</p>
<p>clearlightofday, you sound a like such a good person to be concerned like this. I’m certain your commonsense and kindness will guide you to do well in this situation.</p>
<p>It is probably too obvious for me to write this, but don’t lapse into any great explanatory cliches: ie “everything happens for a reason”, “God never gives you anything more than you can handle” etc etc.</p>
<p>It may be be possible that when you see the parents face to face, they may want to ask you for insights on what drove their daughter to make her choice. You may want to think about what you would say if the conversation turns that way. There is nothing wrong with “I don’t know”.</p>
<p>You asked if there is anything you can do to make them feel better. Just being there for them will help a bit. Good luck to you and sorry that you and your classmate’s parents are in this situation.</p>
<p>Close friends of ours had a 24-year-old child commit suicide about a year ago. It’s hard to imagine how devastating that is. One of the few things that made them feel better at all was talking with their child’s friends, both to hear good memories of him, but also to have a sense that the world was not all desperation and destruction, that there were people who were growing, having new experiences, settling into adulthood – all the things they wanted for their child, but couldn’t have. </p>
<p>It didn’t make them feel sad or bitter at all – they were glad to hear good news from their child’s friends. When they lost him, part of what they lost was a connection to a whole group of friends the parents had known from childhood, who were going through an exciting time of life – degrees, careers, relationships, moves, choices. Hearing about those things from the friends, and having an opportunity to wish them all the best, made the parents feel they had lost just a little bit less.</p>
<p>Ah, this was my parents several years ago after we lost my brother to suicide. I would say that in general they were happy to reconnect with people. It is important to them to know that people still remember and think about their child, so don’t shy away from talking about their daughter. And it is still helpful for them to hear about other things going on in your life (anything that takes their mind off the loss for a few minutes is really a good thing – at least it was for our family). Just go visit – say you are sorry – they will likely ask you what is up in your life, and go ahead and tell them. Even if there are tears (yours or theirs), it is okay. They will be glad that you came.</p>
<p>A big concern of parents who’ve lost a child is that the child not be forgotten. Your presence, listening to their memories and sharing your memories will offer them some reassurance that their child isn’t forgotten. You are a good person for taking the time to visit them. I know they will value your visit. </p>
<p>Someone earlier mentioned taking pictures you may have of the two of you. That’s a lovely idea. Leaving them one of your favorite pictures would be welcomed, I’m sure.</p>
<p>A good friend of mine died when we were in high school and I stayed in touch with her parents for many years. I think the parents miss out on hearing what the child’s peers are up to. I think if you just go and chat with them periodically, you are doing them a great service.</p>
<p>You are very thoughtful, OP. I absolutely agree with what has been stated already. I am thinking of a friend whose child died a year ago of a drug overdose. She is so grateful that her child’s friends continue to call her and occasionally visit. By seeing what good people the friends are, she is reminded of the goodness of her child, and she feels her child made a difference in the world. </p>
<p>Don’t be afraid of tears - yours or theirs. Feel free to reminisce. I know your visit will mean more to them than words can say.</p>
<p>Pictures might be a good ice-breaker, if you need one.</p>
<p>Lots of great advice, OP. I have nothing to add but wanted to say that I really admire you for maintaining this relationship, even through difficult times. I would be so touched if I were in their shoes and the friends of one of my kids thought to keep in touch with me.</p>
<p>A classmate of D’s commited suicide and I once said to her that I had been thinking of her son while i was watching his sport, that someone played like him. She later wrote me a note and said those words - i was thinking of him, that someone reminded me of him - were
the most comforting words she could hear. </p>
<p>I know she will greatly appreciate your visit knowing that you miss her daughter as well.</p>