<p>I see a difference in deega’s mom introducing her to someone in real life and how she addresses them in an email.</p>
<p>If I am at a cocktail party and someone introduces me to “Jane and John” (an 80something year old couple) I will address them as Jane and John. If I have never met them, or only met them 30 years ago, and need to send them an email, I will address them as Mrs. Ms, Mr. Dr. Prof. etc. Or I will perhaps use no salutation whatsoever, which seems to be how some are handling the issue.</p>
<p>In your example, your mom’s friends understand your mom has given you permission to use their first names. In an email that isn’t clear. imho ymmv</p>
<p>So let’s say deega sends the email to Mrs Smith, addressing her as such, and the response is - “I look forward to meeting you at the party; your mother has told us so much about you. Thanks for including us. Best regards, Betty”. </p>
<p>Would you then assume you are on a first name basis? How about if she signed it “Best regards, Betty Smith”? </p>
<p>If you don’t know them well, and you are sending paper invitations, definitely use Mr. and Ms.</p>
<p>If you are going to call people on the phone, you should still say “Mr. or Mrs.” and you can either ask “May I call you Joseph?” or “May I call you Jane?” if you feel it is simpler.</p>
<p>I don’t think it matters too much either way, but it is more likely someone could be offended by use of their first name. I cannot imagine someone being offended by being referred to as Mr. or Ms.</p>
<p>I call my aunts and uncles “Aunt Jane” and “Uncle Joseph” but my parent’s older friends were always Mr. or Mrs. except for one godparent.</p>
<p>Politeness should win, and apologizing if someone corrects you is not a big deal.</p>
<p>First- If I am deega, I’m asking Mom and doing just what she says. : )</p>
<p>When someone (older than I am) I don’t know well closes a communication to me with “Betty” I will call her Betty. When she closes with “Betty Smith” I will call her Title Smith. Why? Because the old-fashioned rule with which I was raised (and I assume she was raised the same way) was that married women signed their correspondence “Betty Smith” but were addressed as “Mrs. Bernard Smith”</p>
<p>And yes, no one does this anymore. I, myself, haven’t used any engraved informals with my married name since my last great aunt passed away two years ago and so no more letters to her. : ( My frumpy friend with the Yale PhD daughter (referenced on the Harvard thread) does still use hers pretty regularly. I don’t know anyone else who does. Not even my 80something year old friends. </p>
<p>I don’t think it matters too much either way, but it is more likely someone could be offended by use of their first name. I cannot imagine someone being offended by being referred to as Mr. or Ms.</p>
<p>In my usual social circle that would probably be correct. I may be regarded as old fashioned but not as rude. However, when I find myself in a different group, where first names are the norm, I may get into trouble as it can be seen as a reminder of the individual’s age (WHAT?!? I’m not older than you. At least not that much.) or as a distancing mechanism as PG frequently points out she regards"ma’am"</p>
<p>I am not trying to stir up a hornet’s nest. This sort of thing just amuses me. Now I’m off to leave my morning calling cards, as the carriage has just arrived. ; )</p>
<p>I always call my parents’ friends Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss/Dr. Lastname. My spouse and I call each other’s parents by Mr. and Mrs. Lastname. We cannot imagine calling them by their first names.</p>
<p>However, in places where I know people apart from knowing them through my parents, I will call older people what they are commonly called by people around my age. For example, much older people at church, people who I would call by last name were they my parents’ friends, I may call “Bill” or “Mr. Smith,” depending on how they are commonly known and on how they introduce themselves in person or on the phone or sign cards.</p>
<p>To walk the line between respect and familiarity, some parents ask their children to call other parents “Miss/Mr. Firstname”. I’d rather children call me by my last name. When I grew up, in the South, “Miss/Mr. Firstname” was reserved only for those who were elderly, very highly respected in the community, and (frequently) never-married or widowed. I’m not there yet and I don’t want to be!</p>
<p>^^ yes. Until she passed away in the spring, I spent a lot of time driving my 87 year old neighbor around to her various activities because her daughter still worked and Miss Betty wasn’t supposed to drive. It was my volunteer community service as well as my pleasure because she was so much fun. I addressed her as Mrs. Last Name, until she (a long time widow) referred to herself as Miss Betty and thereafter, so did I. And after a short while, she started call me Miss first name, with a sort of smiley wink and I felt like I’d been admitted into the club. I then really felt part of her posse. Me and all her 87-98 year old girlfriends. Miss Nancy (the 98 yr old) didn’t make it past the spring either. I foresee being the final Miss First Name in my community. No one else in my generation is wanting that title. I really kind of love it, for all that it evokes in my mind. Of course, it evokes lots of negatives as well. sigh</p>
<p>“My spouse and I call each other’s parents by Mr. and Mrs. Lastname. We cannot imagine calling them by their first names.”</p>
<p>Wow. That is REALLY formal, IMO, to call your in-laws by Mr and Mrs Lastname. Does anyone else do that? I don’t think I’ve ever seen that.</p>
<p>So what do you call, say, your husband’s aunt - your mother-in-law’s sister? I call my husband’s aunt Aunt Firstname just like he does. Would you also call your husband’s aunt Mrs. Lastname, or would you refer to her as Aunt Firstname?</p>
I think that puts them in the awkward position of having to ask that you continue to call them Mr. and Mrs. I would call them whatever you are used to until such time that they ask you to change. My parents would NOT want to be called by their first names by someone who has been calling them Mr and Mrs. for years.</p>
<p>And I had never heard of calling parents-in-law by their first names until quite recently, so we both can be shocked.</p>
<p>I call my aunts and uncles-in-law the same thing my spouse calls them: “Aunt Kate” and “Uncle Bob”. The difference is that I would never call my parents-in-law “Mom” and “Dad”. I only have, and want, one mother and father. So the two aren’t equivalent.</p>
<p>Really, though, the arrival of grandchildren changed everything anyway, as I suspect that it does with most families. Mostly I just call my in-laws by their “grandparent” names. :)</p>
<p>“I call my aunts and uncles-in-law the same thing my spouse calls them: “Aunt Kate” and “Uncle Bob”. The difference is that I would never call my parents-in-law “Mom” and “Dad”. I only have, and want, one mother and father. So the two aren’t equivalent.”</p>
<p>I wasn’t saying to call your parents-in-law mom and dad - I get that you only have one mother / father. I was saying their first names. It seems that you’re putting your in-laws on a more formal basis than their siblings, if your MIL is Mrs. Smith but her sister is Aunt Kate (as opposed to Mrs. Jones). </p>
<p>I agree the grandparent names are easiest!</p>
<p>How does your FIL refer to your MIL when speaking to you? Does he say “Mrs. Smith and I were thinking …” or does he say “Betty and I were thinking …” </p>
<p>OP here! In the rsvp emails I have just written, Hello, So nice to hear from you, blah, blah.</p>
<p>My issue is what to say when I am at the party. I “know” these people because of conversations with my mother but have never formally met some of them</p>
<p>The people that I know I will call by the names I have always used, mostly Mr. and Mrs. first name.</p>
<p>I called my inlaws Mr and Mrs until my daughter was born (after 7 years) and then started calling them their grandparent name. My inlaws are very formal and never suggested I do anything different. Three other inlaw spouses also call them Mr and Mrs or their grandparent name. One inlaw spouse uses their first names. The first name user is also the one they like the least. :)</p>
<p>Like almost everybody in this situation, they usually refer to each other by first names. However, my parents frequently refer to each other by their first names, but I wouldn’t call them by those names. The President and First Lady refer to one another as Barack and Michelle, but I would never call them those names unless I were a friend. Neighbors that you call Mr. and Mrs. Lastname almost certainly refer to one another by their first names.</p>
<p>There may be cultures in which there are special names for in-laws. Ours doesn’t have those. In the culture in which I grew up, people call their parents-in-law by Mr./Dr. Lastname and Ms./Mrs./Dr. Lastname. It doesn’t reflect on the formality of the relationships. It’s just the way things are done. If people who grew up with different cultural norms do things differently, then that’s fine with me too. Live and let live.</p>
<p>“There may be cultures in which there are special names for in-laws. Ours doesn’t have those. In the culture in which I grew up, people call their parents-in-law by Mr./Dr. Lastname and Ms./Mrs./Dr. Lastname. It doesn’t reflect on the formality of the relationships. It’s just the way things are done. If people who grew up with different cultural norms do things differently, then that’s fine with me too. Live and let live.”</p>
<p>Very interesting! I seriously have never heard of people calling their in-laws Mr/Mrs Lastname. I’ve only heard of first names or (rarely) Mom / Mother / Dad / Father. I’ve learned something new today! If everyone’s happy, I’m happy. </p>
<p>I still call almost all of my parents’ friends by Mr/Mrs Lastname. I am 58 and they are all 80-90s. One I call by her first name, but only because she asked. </p>
<p>When I was married, my MIL said now you can call us Mom and Dad. Way too uncomfortable, so I never called them anything. In my early 30s I started calling them by their first names and they started referring to themselves by their first names. SIL always called them Mr/Mrs Last initial, but followed me and started using first names.</p>
<p>With my own children, they were expected to address adults by Mr, Mrs, Dr, Ms last name. When some of our friends asked for first names, I gently said that our children are not allowed to address unrelated adults by first names. I also did not allow their friends to call H and I by our first names. At a very young age, our kids would easily say they did not call adults by first names. Now that 3 of our 4 are adults, some of their friends use our first names, but the majority say Mr/Dr D. Either is okay with us.</p>
<p>Dentkids have always addressed grandparents by GP/GM first name.</p>
<p>Except in the workplace or except when an adult is wearing a name tag w only first name, my default is to address ALL ADULTS as Mr. or Ms./Mrs.** until they ask me to call them by their first names**. I still address my parents’ friends as Mr. & Mrs. I would never dream of asking my parents friends, “can I call you Jane?” – that’s really putting someone in an awkard position.</p>
<p>My teenage kids and their friends address parents as Mr/Mrs. My kids attended British & American curriculum schools. That’s the norm at their schools.</p>
<p>It wrankles when my European contemporaries have their elementary school aged kids address parents (us included) by first name. </p>
<p>I am much in agreement with GMTplus7 here. Don’t know what Emily Post says, but my Dad taught me to call someone by how they have been introduced unless told otherwise. Dr. John Smith remains as Dr., or Dr. Smith, until such time as he tells me otherwise. If he says “Call me Jack” then I know I have an acceptable nickname.</p>
Miss Nancy (the 98 yr old) didn’t make it past the spring either. I foresee being the final Miss First Name in my community. No one else in my generation is wanting that title. I really kind of love it, for all that it evokes in my mind. Of course, it evokes lots of negatives as well. sigh</p>