<p>
</p>
<p>People don’t always know what other people’s traditions are, so it’s important to be clear, I think, especially if there are a lot of people attending a funeral who may not know the conventions.</p>
<p>There are regional and cultural variations. Our church regularly hosts luncheons after funerals for large numbers of people. In this area, more people go to the funeral home visitation and skip the funeral. If someone had attended my father’s funeral, I might not even have known unless they made a point of speaking to me afterward, as just the immediate family went out to lunch. The funeral home was a better chance to greet and spend time with visitors.</p>
<p>About a year ago I went to the wake for a former coworker. He had lost his job and was struggling and eventually committed suicide. I really liked this guy and felt he had lost his job unfairly and was shocked at his death. I went through the family condolence line and told his wife (whom I had never met previously) how much I like her husband and then I blurted out “He was awesome” and she brightened up and repeated what I said with conviction.</p>
<p>I was so glad I went to his wake.</p>
<p>Absweetmarie, The meal afterwards was open to everyone, and everyone was invited. I just found it shocking to watch this group of people enjoying themselves at the family’s expense while the family was dealing with their grief. I suggest that if the original OP opts to go to the funeral of someone she barely knows, that she not add to the family’s burden and respectfully decline the invitation to a meal afterwards.</p>
<p>Glad for the thread. I struggle with this question. In my area, usually the funeral is more for family and close friends. The churches usually do the funeral dinner, and it’s a rather large affair, but again family and close friends.</p>
<p>I struggle with whether to send a card or attend the viewing/calling. In circumstances where I am less close to the deceased/family, I’m never really sure which one is proper, and if sending a card is “enough”. My other reluctance is I do not want to be “laid out” for viewing. I find it rather morbid, especially all the inevitable comments that “she looks so good.” I think I err on the side of not going often enough, and I need to do something about that.</p>
<p>danceclass: I agree … I think. If I’m reading your newer post correctly, it sounds as if your concern is not so much that these people came along, but that they did not comport themselves with dignity. I mean, if people are laughing and carrying on as if it’s a party (“Woot!! Free lunch! Bring it! Why, yes, I do want to see a dessert menu–and can I have another martini?”), that’s certainly boorish and inexcusable. Context is key here. But if everyone is invited, people from outside the inner circle can be forgiven for feeling welcome to join in.</p>
<p>sryrstress: A few colleagues and I recently went to the memorial service for the stepmother-equivalent of another colleague. None of us knew this woman, and most of us barely know our friend’s father. I’ll admit; we grumbled amongst ourselves a little bit beforehand. Did we really need to go? Really? Couldn’t we just give money? But it felt like the right thing to do, even if it was Sunday night in a location that was off the beaten track for most of us, even though the weather was not cooperating, even though some of us had young children at home or parents in town or TV to watch … You get my point. And it really was the right thing to do. Our colleague was very moved, and so was her dad. (I’m sounding a little preachy, which is not my intention!)</p>
<p>Here is something not to do (at least, it wasn’t really appreciated in our family)… don’t stop by the house to visit the family on your own (outside calling hours or the wake) unless you are close to them. When my brother died we had a stream of people (eg, old high school girlfriends that no one had seen in 20 years) knocking on our door, and we felt the need to chat and entertain when no one really felt like it. And (ridiculously), we were actually quite busy (dealing with lawyers and will filings, funeral arrangements, travel and lodging arrangements for relatives, etc.), so we would take turns slipping away from the stream of visitors to work on those things.</p>
<p>Also… one family can only eat so much ham. Food is very appreciated, but we had 30 pounds of ham and very little else. I always make a point to take a side dish that can be frozen if needed if I take food to a grieving family. I try to pick something that goes well with ham, though. :)</p>
<p>I go if I care about the deceased or their family . I usually wouldn’t go a great distance unless it was family or someone REALLY special.</p>
<p>Oh, intparent … You had to bring up the hams. I had a colleague who insisted that was the coin of the realm as far as help for grieving families was concerned.</p>
<p>In HI, there is often a meal following the service for all who attended. Generally, varying #s of people attend and it is a chance to reminisce with those who were close to the family. I attended a service recently because I was close to the surviving daughter tho I did not really know her dad much. It was a very small and intimate affair but I was glad I attended because my friend genuinely seemed glad I attended and sat by her during the meal. I did not know the extended family members who attended & friend’s husband didn’t even let his brothers know (they found out by other means & attended as well).</p>
<p>I wish that I had been able to attend the recent funeral of a former colleague. Though I hadn’t seen him in quite a few years, he had a great impact on me at a difficult point in my life. So my recommendation is not to think twice if you feel in your heart that you’d like to be there.</p>
<p>Quite seriously, I think it’s better to aim on the side of showing up. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That’s why.</p>
<p>I have wondered about this as well. What makes me go is the look of gratitude on a friend’s face when I went to his dad’s funeral. You care enough to come? Yes, it shows you do. </p>
<p>As a child growing up far from extended family, I never went to a funeral. Finally the first at age 45, and many, since. The regional variations, the religious variations are fascinating. But essentially, it is kindness to show up.</p>
<p>Although he drives me crazy some (most) of the time, one of the things that i admire most about my husband is his thoughtfulness. I have attended many funerals with him and have changed my formerly held opinions about funeral home visitations. They do matter to people.</p>
<p>When my brother-in-law died very unexpectedly at the age of 35, his parents could not understand why my sister has scheduled visitation over 2 days; they wanted it one afternoon and evening and then the funeral. They were amazed that the funeral home was full the entire time with a steady stream of visitors. Although it was small consolation for losing their son, I think his parents gained a lot from hearing from the many people who had interacted with their adult son. Their final picture of him was not the college goof-off who graduated from a third tier state school but was of a successful CPA who made many contributions to his community in his too short life. </p>
<p>A year later, my brother died at the age of 40 after a 3 week illness. My sisters and I loved all of the visitors who came and told stories of how my brother had touched their lives. I still have the aluminum rose that one of his high school made for each of us. When they all finally left, there was a great emptiness.</p>
<p>My guilty secret is that I noticed certain people who did not come. I know that it is wrong of me. One in particular stood out: a co-worker of mine who came to my wedding and spent the whole night drinking with my brother who was a long-time friend of his did not come to the funeral or visitation or ever speak to me about my brother even though I saw him frequently. He probably had a good reason but I was left with the feeling that he didn’t care.</p>
<p>“I just found it shocking to watch this group of people enjoying themselves at the family’s expense while the family was dealing with their grief.”</p>
<p>I think this is the wrong way to look at it. It is traditional and expected in many communities to host some sort of luncheon after the funeral - it may be in a church hall, at home, or at a restaurant. It provides an additional opportunity for family and friends to spend time together, and it is a courtesy to those who may have travelled for the services. Unless someone is acting inappropriately, I don’t understand how people “enjoying” themselves simply by eating can be considered shocking. People do have to eat, and life does go on. The meal afterward is something of a return to normality. I hosted such an event a few months ago after my father’s funeral, and I was very happy to provide a meal for those who took the time to attend the funeral. For most people, it’s not about the free food, it’s another opportunity to pay their respects to the family.</p>
<p>After a Jewish funeral, the tradition is to sit shiva for a period of time (traditionally it’s a week) at the home of a close family member. Food is often provided by those who know the family and/or those who attend. Far from an imposition on the family, it is considered a "“mitzvah” , or a blessing or kindness (also defined as a religious commandment) to attend these events. One does not need any invitation.</p>
<p>I don’t think you can go wrong. When I don’t know someone well, I go to the calling hours but could equally go to the funeral depending on schedule. It’s the show of support. And a letter or note that specifically mentions the person is always appreciated, even if you can’t attend.</p>
<p>As a mourner, I particularly appreciated the people who were there for the long haul, after all the ceremonies and the ham had been eaten. I think I’m going to try to be there in the 2-4 week afterwards point for people.</p>
<p>I second what Gourmetmom has said. My mom died last year and we were happy to provide a meal in a local restaurant for whoever had taken the time and effort to come to her service and burial. It was the least we could do. I highly doubt that most people taking the time to go a service and support the family are just looking for a free meal.</p>
<p>My husband and I always go to the visitations for the family members of his employees and relatives of friends. We don’t attend the funerals unless we knew the deceased. I have never completely forgiven my brother in law for asking my husband if he “had” to attend my grandmother’s viewing or funeral. H said he didn’t have to go, this was a man in his 30’s and H wasn’t about to tell him he “had” to. It was local, he just didn’t feel like going after work.</p>
<p>I was away when one of my friends died and I wasn’t able to get home for the service. Crazyson told me not to worry, he would represent me, my recent (at the time) HS graduate had more grace and class then his uncle. H took the day off and they both went.</p>
<p>For those who can’t attend, please do think about a card, especially if you can write something you remember about the person or even about the person to whom you’re sending the card. I treasured the one I received from a friend after my mom died – it said something like, “I didn’t know your mom, but seeing what a fine person you are, she must have been very special.” It still makes me tear up. </p>
<p>And my dad would read and re-read the many cards he received after mom died. They meant a lot to him – all those little vignettes, some from friends they hadn’t seen in many years.</p>