<p>Of course I don’t mean if you’re related to the deceased, or if you were a close friend, or are a friend of one of the survivors. In these cases I don’t imagine there’s anything to decide - you’re there. I’m thinking more about being casually acquainted with the survivors, perhaps not having known the deceased personally. Is it appropriate to attend - by which I guess I mean, can a casual acquaintance really give comfort to the bereaved family?</p>
<p>In a situation like this, I’m more likely to write a note of condolence and make a donation to the designated charity. But I would appreciate knowing how other CCers feel about it.</p>
<p>I rarely attend funerals except for family and VERY close personal friends, mainly because it is difficult for me to take off work. I do, however, try to drop by during formal visitation hours at the funeral home and sign the book, but I don’t stay very long. If it is merely an acquaintance, I think a card or donation to the designated charity is more than enough.</p>
<p>I attend a service or funeral if they were important enough to me that I would want some closure or if their loved ones are close enough to me that I want to show my support.
Otherwise just a card/donation.</p>
<p>Sometimes, just the fact that you came to a visitation or funeral provides great comfort to those that are grieving. You are acknowledging that they or their loved one have made a difference in your life and you are there to honor that relationship or memory. </p>
<p>However, if you go and it is terribly crowded or heavily attended, you might just sign the guest book and send a card with a personal note. I would expect, though, that most people would be touched by your presence.</p>
<p>When my family lost my brother we much appreciated anyone who attended the funeral or the memorial service. It also meant a lot to have cards/letters etc. (I saved the ones that I received as did my parents). Anything that you do will be appreciated and remembered by the family.</p>
<p>I still have every card I received from when my brother died 6 years ago. The most touching thing anyone did was a call from a co-worker who had also known him (my brother had worked with me at the same client for a few months, so the co-worker knew us both via a short work project). But it has been over a year since I had spoken to the man, and even longer for my brother. As soon as he heard, he picked up the phone and called me. His immediate and sincere condolences meant a lot to me. Although my first reaction after hanging up was, “I have to tell intbrother that he called!”. And then realizing that I couldn’t tell intbrother anything any more…</p>
<p>When a close friend from college’s dad died (during our senior year), my parents insisted we drive across the state to the visitation. I wasn’t totally comfortable (had only met him in passing), but I was so glad that we attended once we got there. The visitation was sparsely attended, and she was just so grateful that we cared enough to come and support her. </p>
<p>If I have learned anything from these experiences, it is to do something… call, go to the visitation, donate to the suggested cause in the person’s obituary, even a card means a lot to people.</p>
<p>My co-workers from years ago came to my brother’s funeral, though they had never met him and had not seen me in at least 10 years. It meant a lot to me.</p>
<p>When the father of my son’s school friend passed away during their senior year in high school, I was amazed at how many of the boys attended the funeral. How impressed I was by these young men, in their best suits, to be there to support their friend, even though most of them had never met the man, and were not especially close to the boy. </p>
<p>I have been to too many funerals in the last few years, and one thing I’ve found, even if I’m not especially close to the family members, is that they welcome the support that you give them. They are often overwhelmed by the close family members that have often traveled a long way to attend the funeral. They are expected to entertain, feed, and sometimes, even house these geographically distant relatives. It is sometimes a relief and a comfort to them to have a non related visitor who they can just relax with, giving them a little reprieve during a very difficult time.</p>
<p>Thank you all for a very helpful perspective. It’s not unusual, in our family, to choose private funeral services. It’s good to be reminded that many people will not find the presence of casual acquaintances intrusive.</p>
<p>I have gained a newfound understanding of the importance of attending something (funeral, visitation, shivah, whatever is appropriate) since I lost my parents. The kindness and consideration of people making the effort is ver meaningful. Also equally appreciate the calls and cards.Lovely gestures.</p>
<p>I remember how touched my mom was by all the individuals who attended my dad’s visitation (sadly I was in Europe at the time with an infant and could not return). She did not even know many of them, but it was comforting to know he had touched so many people. </p>
<p>Is “calling hours” a regional thing? I have never heard that term before.</p>
<p>I generally only attend the funeral for close friends or family. I go to a lot of “calling hours” or “wakes” to show my respects. It is usually much appreciated by the family of the deceased. I know I was touched by each and every person who made the effort to attend my dad’s calling hours a few years ago.</p>
<p>In HI, funerals are generally attended by lots of the folks who knew the family of the deceased and/or the deceased. Often they may not have met or only casually known the deceased but may have known or even worked with or had some contacts with one of the survivors. There is no “hard and fast” rule, it’s all by how YOU feel and whether you are comfortable attending.</p>
<p>I have never felt awkward FOR attending or NOT attending, depending on how close I felt and whether my schedule permitted. I have been to dozens of visitations and/or services–when relatives of friends die OR I know the deceased.</p>
<p>Having been at a number of funerals for those close to me, I can only say that I and my family really really really loved people showing up, including ones we did not know, and it seems extremely sweet when they came and seemed to only know our loved ones a little bit (somehow that made it even a bigger deal that someone would be that thoughtful to show their support). </p>
<p>I had always done the opposite- thinking I did not belong, I didn’t want to intrude, or somehow I did not ‘deserve’ to be there…and I had no idea how wrong I was.</p>
<p>But of course you should just do what you are comfortable doing. But I think you can’t go wrong (from others’ point of view) from attending. I feel others would appreciate it if you feel okay going.</p>
<p>Since my husband died 15 years ago, I have tried to be generous in my own attendance at wakes, memorial services and the like. With one exception, I’ve observed that people who are grieving appreciate it when people show up. </p>
<p>The exception:</p>
<p>A few years ago, a former boss sent me and some other former staff members an email with information about her FIL’s passing, which included details on “calling hours” at her MIL’s house. I told her I would stop by, intending to pop in, hug my friend and her husband, and leave. In other words, I planned to exercise my judgment and spend the amount of time that seemed appropriate given how tangentially I was connected to the deceased. I wouldn’t have stayed for two hours eating finger sandwiches, or anything like that. My friend wrote back something along the lines of “NOOOOOOOO!!!” Then she gave me the rundown on how crowded the house was going to be and so on. Given the circumstances, I didn’t write back, “So why did you send me your MIL’s address!!!” That really irritated me, but you’d have to know Former Boss of Absweetmarie to truly understand. </p>
<p>I’ll never forget my sister turning to me, after casting her eyes over the crowd at my husband’s memorial service, and saying, “Nice turnout,” with an approving nod of the head.</p>
<p>I think you do what makes you the most comfortable. I prefer going to visitations because I can easily speak to the family. My husband prefers attending the funeral because generally he doesn’t have to speak with the family unless he specifically wants to speak with them. With very, very close friends certainly we’ve attended both…and together.</p>
<p>When in doubt, my view is to attend. We’re in this situation a lot - it seems to be weekly, lately. If we’re not sure, we err on the side of attending - you can’t go wrong and it always appreciated by the family. I don’t think it matters if it is the visitation or the funeral; whichever is more convenient is fine. I was very touched to see people I never expected to see at both my mom and dad’s services.</p>
<p>It is the tradition in my husband’s culture to provide a meal after the funeral service. When his mother died, his brother had invited a large number of business associates to the funeral, and they all came along to the restaurant afterwards, and ate and drink and had a good time. It cost the family a lot of money to feed all those strangers. I kept my mouth shut, but I thought it was appalling. So even if you do attend the memorial service, don’t be a burden to the family.</p>
<p>How would they even know about the meal afterward if they hadn’t been told about it? I think it’s dangerous to make something seem like an open invitation when it’s not really. And that happens. Or to circulate some vague information to the effect that some people will be meeting afterward for a meal. Admittedly, if the meal had been billed as an event for close family and friends, work associates should know they don’t qualify. But if the event really is a private one for intimates, I think people should be really clear about that.</p>
<p>Being Catholic, I really make an effort to attend the funeral mass if there is one. It is our way of dealing with death, knowing that our loved one is going to a better place. Seeing others share that belief gives one even more strength and confirmation that there is life after death.</p>
<p>As for the after services feasts, those are usually only for the immediate family, although older aunts and uncles who we haven’t seen for years often come. Catching up with them often takes our mind off our grief, and it is a pleasure to reminisce with them about times when we all were younger.</p>
<p>As for having a sparse crowd, oh, that is so depressing. My father-in-law insisted on a very low key service for my mother-in-law when she passed. He told my husband and his brother to make note, it was what he wanted. Having grown up in a Catholic family with funeral masses and wakes and after service get togethers, I felt so empty and didn’t feel I had closure with her death. But most importantly, I felt that the sparsity of attendance made my mother-in-law’s time on this earth even less important, as if no one even noticed her passing. </p>
<p>While I appreciated and respected my father-in-law’s need for privacy, I felt it did an injustice to a wonderful woman who meant so much to me, who deserved much more than a ten-minute service and burial of ashes.</p>