<p>As a parent, have you ever been disappointed in a choice that your child made? How did you deal with that? Assume different age groups here. For example, a 16 year old, a 20 year old, and a 24 year old.</p>
<p>Now assume that you are disappointed in a choice that someone else completely unassociated you made. Could be a kid, an adult, a parent, what have you. How did you deal with that?</p>
<p>Since I asked the question, let me first answer that. I believe that if you are in any way disappointed with your kid, and think that the decision made by the kid will end up harming him/her in some way, you owe it to your kid to be open and honest about your disappointment.</p>
<p>If it is a stranger, I would ignore. No skin off of my nose. If the stranger tries to spread word about the choice, I would however protest, as that may end up harming other kids.</p>
<p>I think as parents we can get disappointed in a choice by our children because as parents, we have cooked up dreams for our children in our heads. If you want your kid to be a doctor, and they decided to be a teacher, you could experience a bit of disappointment about that. But I think under circumstances like that, you have to step back and examine why you applied the dream to the child in the first place. Was it really what you wanted to do? Are you looking for stability and financial independance for you child, therefore, you pick a job that typically brings those, etc. But as a parent, if a choice your child makes, makes your child happy, then the disappointment is misplaced.</p>
<p>Now if we are speaking about being disappointed about a “harmful” choice, it is much different and I agree it should be a topic of conversation. Heavy drinking, drug use, anything that goes against your family’s value system would apply here.</p>
<p>We can come back to the point about misplaced disappointment. It’s a subjective criteria, so it is hard to have any discussions about that. For now, let’s assume that the disappointment is not misplaced from your perspective. Then what should you do?</p>
<p>IndianParent, what kind of choices are you talking about?</p>
<p>Are you talking about choices like driving while intoxicated, which we all would agree are harmful? Or are you talking about other types of choices – like choosing to go to a particular college because a boyfriend or girlfriend is there?</p>
<p>Any choice that disappoints you.</p>
<p>OK. If we’re just talking about choices in general, then the first thing I would think about is whether it’s worth the risk of harming my long-term relationship with my child by expressing my disappointment with the choice.</p>
<p>And if the child is 16 or 20, I would also think about whether or not I should force a different choice (by exerting parental authority in the case of the 16-year-old or by withholding money in the case of the 20-year-old).</p>
<p>In most instances, I do not think that forcing a different choice is worth the long-term harm it could cause.</p>
<p>There are exceptions. If my 16-year-old was dating a drug user, I think that forbidding the relationship would be warranted, no matter how much it harmed my relationship with my child. </p>
<p>But most choices are not like this. </p>
<p>If we’re talking about less dangerous choices – such as the choice to major in sociology rather than engineering, or the choice to stop playing on the school basketball team, or the choice to go to graduate school rather than getting a job (or vice versa) – I think that all I would do would be to talk to the young person to make sure that he/she has taken all the important factors into consideration. </p>
<p>But I would not try to force my child to make a different decision. After all, it’s my child who controls my access to my future grandchildren.</p>
<p>I get mad as heck when my son’s choice is not to do the dishes I told him to do. When he chooses to miss his curfew, or when he does not complete an assignment that he has known about for 4 weeks. That is what we are suposed to do.
I tried very hard to like the girlfriend he had for 2 years, and she proved that my dislike of her was warranted. But an “I told you so” was not appropriate at that time.
When he went to camp last year, we had an agreement that he would call every other day in the evening. He didn’t…I lowered his cell phone access to “child” or G level. Can’t remember what it is. He called then, because he could not access anything on the internet, including wikipedia. And was better about sticking to his agreement for the rest of camp.<br>
We are still their teachers, so we teach. We are still their parents, so we parent. We are still their bank account, so we have power.
Will he make more choices that I do not “like”. I am sure he will, and that is OK. He needs to find his way, I need to let him. But I make choices that he does not like and disappoints him at times too. It’s life! My greatest hope/prayer is that he does not make a choice that impacts him in a way that he cannot recover from.</p>
<p>When he went to camp last year, we had an agreement that he would call every other day in the evening.</p>
<p>For the goddesses sake, why so often? How old is he?</p>
<p>vlines’ attitude and responses seem very appropriate for the parent of a high school student.</p>
<p>But consider a much older young person – like my 25-year-old son, who recently finished a master’s degree and got a job. My husband is disappointed with the particular job our son chose, and his reasons for not liking the job make sense (although our son’s reasons for accepting the job also make sense in a different way). </p>
<p>This is a very different situation. My husband no longer has any power over our son. He can’t use money or parental authority to force our son to take a different job. He can only express his reservations about our son’s choice if he decides that it is appropriate to do so. And it may be better for his long-term relationship with our son if he keeps his mouth shut. </p>
<p>The young people we’re usually talking about on these boards – those who are in college or soon will be – are at an in-between stage. They’re not young teens, like vlines’ son, and they’re not independent adults, like my son. They’re at a delicate stage somewhere between the two. At this stage particularly, dealing with choices they make that disappoint us requires the utmost tact.</p>
<p>my son was 15 at the time. Was 4 states away, for 3 weeks, and flew alone for the first time. I needed to keep tabs on him for many reasons. And yes, some of those reasons were so I could sleep at night!! Others were for his well being.</p>
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<p>Choices that relate to their health or physical safety are different from other types of choices. I can’t lump them in together.</p>
<p>I gave my kids guidance and advice on the colleges to look at per their aptitude level and interests, but they were the ones who put their choice lists together, not me. I didn’t want my son to apply ED to the place that he did, and strongly urged him towards 2 other schools. However, it was his choice, and it turned out well and indeed better than I could have expected. I find that when I doubt my children’s choices, they turn out to surprise me to be better choices than what I was advocating, because believe it or not, I don’t know everything.</p>
<p>vlines’ attitude and responses seem very appropriate for the parent of a high school student.</p>
<p>The camps my kids attended didn’t allow cell phones for campers- were well supervised & they didn’t have health concerns that I needed to be constantly updated.
( although by the time they were 15, they were interns, so they did have use of the camp phone in the evening if necessary)
I will say, that for my daughters 18th birthday, I took her to a music festival ( w camping), she wanted to head back to the campground before the headlining act ( I stayed), there was a shuttle to the camp ground, but I was nervous until she called me & told me she was back.
The next year, for her 19th birthday, she spent traveling around [url=<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palolem_Beach]Goa[/url”>Palolem Beach - Wikipedia]Goa[/url</a>] & I only spoke to her a handful of times for the entire time ( almost 5 mo) that she was gone.
:eek:</p>
<p>Not sure what the frequency of calling / checking in has to do with the OP’s question, which was about what we all do when disappointed in a child’s choices.</p>
<p>Would you like me to answer that? ;)</p>
<p>If it’s my kids who are disappointing, it’s a weighing thing–how much am I truly disappointed, how much will the decision affect the future of this person’s life and/or anyone else’s life. Pros & cons in expressing the disappointment, especially in our relationship.</p>
<p>If it’s a health and/or safety issue, I’ll usually at least bring the matter up. If it’s a difference in aspirations–what I had HOPED vs. reality, I will generally adjust to reality and discuss as appropriate with the kiddo. I do a lot of adjusting. ;)</p>
<p>Let’s make this simpler. Let’s take health/safety related choices out. Those are too easy. Seems that worrying about future relationship with the child has a lot to do with willingness to express disappointment with the other group of choices. Very interesting.</p>
<p>For the record, my parents are in their 70s and 80s and are still openly disappointed about my chosen career. Obviously, I didn’t listen to them then and don’t listen to them now, but I am quite respectful of their opinion regardless. It hasn’t hurt our relationship in the least bit. </p>
<p>I guess it all depends on the initial strength of the relationship. It takes real strength in the relationship and real trust to have tough conversations. I hope my relationship with my kid is that strong as well.</p>
<p>On the topic of forcing a decision on the child, I am not sure one can do so in the first place. Someone talked about parental authority and withholding funds. The former is not something that works well with strong-willed kids (I remember being one a few decades back), and I can’t believe a loving parent can actually manipulate their kid with money. I know I most certainly can’t. </p>
<p>So, I was not talking about forcing a decision on a child. I was talking about having a firm chat that expresses the disappointment.</p>
<p>I have tried to encourage my kids to be responsible for their choices, so I am not inclined to comment on their decisions in cases that are not health or safety related. The fact that my kids might make decisions I would not have made does not mean I am “disappointed” in them. Perhaps that is why I can’t imagine why I would need to have a conversation expressing my disappointment.</p>
<p>The fact that my kids might make decisions I would not have made does not mean I am “disappointed” in them. Perhaps that is why I can’t imagine why I would need to have a conversation expressing my disappointment.</p>
<p>This^</p>