<p>My son is a college freshman. Last year I ranted to friends and siblings (not to mention my husband). I look back and wonder why on earth I nagged so much. So try to chill.</p>
<p>We never believed in the carrot and stick approach in our house. It would not have worked with my son, and besides, we wanted him to learn the value of succeeding because it makes him feel proud and accomplished, not because he wins a prize. And I should mention that we couldn’t have afforded the prizes!</p>
<p>missypie, We’re in that senario. My son’s dream school, and it would be a great match for him, is 50K+ per year. They give virtually no merit based FA. It’s just not an option. He understands but still wants to apply “just in case.” I wish he would not do that to himself but it’s his choice.</p>
<p>Sometimes I wish we would win the lottery, but the vast majority of the time I know it’s a privledge to go to college at all and there is more than one match for every student.</p>
<p>Never knew my DD was even in school!! LOL. She was and still is totally on top of things and self sufficient. I think daughters are different. In fact, I never knew how high her GPA was until I met with her GC during her junior year of high school. I knew she was doing well in school, but I guess I never knew how well. Never a peep from her or the school. I don’t know if I was so busy with the younger ones not to notice, or I didn’t know any better. Her younger brother was a different story and the youngest one had the benefit of learning from the other two. It all works out in the end. Stressing doesn’t do anything but make us look old and tired!!!</p>
<p>rt needs help, to answer your question in post # 18 - NO. And you need to stop. Don’t let this become a “control” issue. The results of hs grades and test scores will lead to their own consequences, for good or for ill. Your kids need to work because THEY want to work, or at least because THEY want to get into their choice college. You won’t be there with a carrot and a stick forever. They can’t spend their life trying to please you, or to avoid your punishment. Their motivation needs to come from within. It’s not about you - but if you constantly reward and punish, it becomes about you. Plus you’re probably putting too much pressure on them - do you know of any kid who ever tanked their SATs on purpose? They’ll do the best they can. And if they don’t, they’ll have to deal with the consequences, in terms of fewer choices of colleges to attend.</p>
<p>One thing I found helped me a little get off the carrot/stick thing w/son (not entirely successfully) is to focus on the substance of his courses–what are you learning today? What do you think about that? Is it fun? That, hopefully, engages the kids in the actual schoolwork instead of focusing on the external grades, etc.</p>
<p>Here are some related threads – as you can see, you are not alone…</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/470436-lazy-disorganized-just-doesn-t-care.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/470436-lazy-disorganized-just-doesn-t-care.html</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/314829-you-can-lead-horse-water.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/314829-you-can-lead-horse-water.html</a></p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/348698-getting-offspring-fulfill-their-potential.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/348698-getting-offspring-fulfill-their-potential.html</a></p>
<p>For everyone’s peace of mind, get a big, old-fashioned family calendar and put important dates and deadlines on it. Hang it near your son’s study area, and let it do the nagging for you. Keep the verbal nagging to a minimum, or your child will start to tune you out. Finding a friend who thinks the way you do is important - your kid doesn’t think like you, and you have to let a lot of sticking points go by. </p>
<p>Pick your discussion times carefully - you need a receptive audience. Also, you may be surprised at how much your child has thought about what he or she wants in a school. Peer pressure can have a big role in this, and changes can come rapidly and without warning, so keep your ears open, and listen before lecturing!</p>
<p>One of your early chats should be about SATs/ACTs and their timing. If a student needs to take the SAT I multiple times, and take and retake SAT IIs, the calendar becomes very tight. Students reaching for top-level colleges should take their first SAT in January or March of junior year.</p>
<p>GPA is harder to motivate - my older kids seemed to know within a month if they were going to get an A or a B in nearly every class. I have to agree with the previous poster who said that this is largely determined by the student, not by outside pressure. If he (or she) is Ivy/ top 20 material, he knows that multiple grades of “B” are not going to cut it. With our third, less motivated child, we are employing a big new carrot - we will pay for his parking pass if he gets a minimum GPA. Tune in next semester for the results.</p>
<p>My oldest S was never motivated in HS. He was a B student. He did his work and we made sure he was prepared for the state HS tests.WE bought all the study guides he needed.His only interest is writing scripts and filming.
When he graduated from HS he went for a year to a state school (not his first choice). That was the first time I saw him motivated. He studied more. He grades soared. We were surprised but kept our mouths shut.
He reapplied to a school that he really wanted. Got a scholarship and he is so happy now.
I don’t believe in rewards for good grades. Working to your best ability is a kid job.
Sometimes I wonder if the way that most schools operates is not the reason that why boys seem to have a harder time there than girls.</p>
<p>Carrot and stick may sometimes back fire. A well known concept in psychology called the Deci Effect, with decades of research examining it.</p>
<p>The Deci Effect shows that extrinic rewards and punishments undermine intrinsic motivation. If one finds they are doing things for the sake of external rewards and punishment, they come to believe its only for those external reasons and that they really must not be doing it for its own sake. Once the external motivators are gone, nothing keeps one going. </p>
<p>Illustrated with a little example. Take a classroom of kids who are enjoying coloring. Offer to pay half the kids 25 cents a picture, the other kids nothing. Later, let the kids color just for fun. The kids who were paid don’t want to do it anymore. The kids who were not are still enjoying their coloring for fun. </p>
<p>The research shows mixed results but the current analysis of all the studies done on this effect show that it is real. I do not know however under what conditions the effect is strongest, nor when it doesn’t have an effect</p>
<p>Anyway just some food for thought.</p>
<p>I wonder whether we are misunderstanding the question, or being a bit disingenuous. A great many “normal” 16-year-old boys need to be reminded of priorities, or they would spend all their time doing recreational and social activities. No parent likes to feel like they are nagging their kids, but it is a necessary part of parenting IMHO. When they are younger, we nag them to bathe and not hit the siblings. As they get older, the topics change.</p>
<p>Can it be overdone? Of course. Finding the balance is the trick.</p>
<p>Mom of girl here, who informed me the first semester of her senior year that she would not be making ‘all A’s’ this semester and to ‘get over it’ (said nicely). She has almost as many B’s as A’s in core courses.</p>
<p>I’ve made a little noise about it, but not much. She’s smart, she will eventually do well in life (I hope), and what’s the use of complaining? I don’t want to alienate her just before she goes off to college. I would really like to know some of her ‘secrets’ next year, but coming off as a nag this year will slam the door on that, so I just occasionally comment, and am just now starting to enter the college application process because she hasn’t started any applications yet. </p>
<p>HOpe this helps put things in some perspective. You are certainly not alone in facing this problem, and I can see the downside of nagging–it just backfires, if overdone, has been my experience.</p>
<p>I yelled at my son yesterday for not finishing a scholarship app essay and for not picking up scholarship rec forms from his GC. Ugh, yelling is never productive (nagging is bad enough). Lesson: don’t do this. In addition, it actually doesn’t get the job done (they don’t want to do whatever it is you are yelling about!).</p>
<p>“She has almost as many B’s as A’s in core courses.”</p>
<p>Ivydreamin, do you know how many parents would love to say that? The air on College Confidential is pretty rarified. Most parents would be thrilled with a kid who gets half B’s and half A’s.</p>
<p>However, she does need to get started on her applications. Perhaps making a list of deadlines and leaving it where she can see it will help.</p>
<p>I remember a parenting book that said just to tell your kid one word, and they’d know what you want. Instead of going on and on about the wet towels on the floor, simply say “Towel.” Instead of going on and on about the college apps, simply say “Applications.”</p>