<p>How do you impress upon these 16 y.o. kids how incredibly important this time is … all the grades, studying, tutoring, etc. … WITHOUT turning them into nervous wrecks! Nagging just makes them tune out, pressure turns them into quivering wimps … what are YOUR secrets for applying just the right amount of pressure (but not too much)?</p>
<p>personally, as a student, i find it less stressful if there isnt constant reminding/nagging about importance/grades/college stuff. Maybe one, good talk to get the message across is sufficient depending on your child’s grades… if he/she is doing is doing well, then dont go crazy over it…</p>
<p>They know how important it is.</p>
<p>That doesn’t mean that they will act accordingly.</p>
<p>Look for schools that will accept them at the level at which they naturally perform.</p>
<p>I struggle with the question you raised too. For me, it helps to take a step or two (or ten) back and keep this time in perspective. First, a lot of the application has already been determined–grades, EC, impressions on teachers, etc. What can still be done is important but a lot cannot be changed. Also, I know my son will end up at a fine school, whether that be a safety school or a reach school, and how his life turns out during and after college has much more to do with what he makes of the opportunites he has at whatever college he goes to than it does with what particular college he ends up attending.</p>
<p>YOU need to stop stressing. And keep your big mouth shut.</p>
<p>Studying & Homework–yes. Tutoring? depends on what it’s for, I guess. So he can get into a college where he will be successful only if the tutoring continues?</p>
<p>Parents need to chill. :)</p>
<p>That’s why College Confidential Boards are so helpful – we can vent to each other and leave our kids alone – that’s my strategy. Worked the first time around!!</p>
<p>All three of my absolutely darling(LOL) children are all in or thankfully graduated from college. You can’t constantly be nagging them about grades, studying etc. I think they get so sick of that quickly and turn us off as parents. They are either motived or they are not or they are somewhere in the middle. Kids mature at different rates and they all get there eventually. </p>
<p>Of my 3 kids, two were highly motivated and new exactly where they wanted to attend college and knew what the stakes were and worked their tushes off to get there. Only when they contracted a case of “senioritis” did I have to gently remind them that they still had to turn in those 7th semester grades. The third was not that motivated and that was apparent when it came down to his college acceptances. He was a B student in high school, but a GREAT wrestler. (The other two were great students, but participated in varsity sports.) He is now a B college student at a not as selective university. He is getting a degree and he is happy. There are lots of choices fitting your child’s ability and motivational level.</p>
<p>Vent on CC, that’s how!</p>
<p>But seriously… if you really think your kid is underachieving, is there a college they are interested in? Is it a “reach” or a “match”? Take them there for a tour. Let them get a taste of what could be ahead. Sit in on an info session and let the admissions people nag your kid for you - a little speech about the importance of grades and rigor of schedule from the people who make the admissions decisions can do wonders. Don’t nag, but on the way home or a few days later you can point out, “You’ll need to do your very best if you want to have a shot at attending DreamSchool.” </p>
<p>But… re-reading the OP’s post, maybe you need to back off and just be supportive. If you will view your kids and yourself as failures if they don’t land at an Ivy, then you need to re-assess your priorities and your view of reality. Remember, teenagers are teenagers. They need to have a little fun, a little downtime, a chance to relax, and some time to spend with good friends, just like the rest of us. People skills will get them as far in life as a fancy college degree, and the teen years are the time those skills are developed - and that doesn’t happen with their noses in a book.</p>
<p>I vent on CC.</p>
<p>I take anxiety medication.</p>
<p>I like the idea (from several CC parents) of designated a day of the week & time (say, SUnday at 4 p.m.) to talk about college/HS stuff. Then, they know it’s a focused discussion, instead of endless nagging.</p>
<p>I was not ever able to achieve that, but I think it’s a great idea!</p>
<p>I have to remind myself of this, but if I get the ‘big picture’ it helps me a lot. I look at the parents that have real worries about their kids- be it not passing in school, a drug issue, health worries. Then I look at mine and feel sooo lucky and proud. Then I remind myself of the very many very happy very conventionally successful people I know who did higher education in a wide range of creative ways. This includes senior executives, doctors, fellow professors who went first to community college, or a little known school. In the big scheme of things, my bright kids will be just fine.</p>
<p>I also try to ask myself “am I about to say something that they already know?” Usually the answer is yes. And while it might <em>feel good</em> for me to say it anyway, it doesn’t make a difference (and in fact in my case, I think goes against, not in favor, of what I’m trying to accomplish). </p>
<p>Finally I remind myself that my child’s psychological wellbeing and our relationship is way way way more important than the things we are stressing about. I am close to someone whose parent who had so much conflict with him about his school achievement that it strained their relationship permanently (he was a brilliantunderachiever but he eventually became very successful in his own way). Yet their relationship never recovered. That is just sad to me.</p>
<p>Those are very good and insightful tips, starbright. Son hates it when I repeat stuff he already knows.</p>
<p>Thanks for advice! I am trying SO hard not to drive him crazy, and not to damage our relationship, but not every kid is super-motivated enough to do it on their own. But you are right … the *****ing and nagging will not help GPAs or SAT scores!!!</p>
<p>This is the healthiest thread I’ve seen on CC in a while. Stressing about grades doesn’t help you, your kid, or the grades. He’ll end up where he was meant to be. It’ll all be fine.</p>
<p>My conclusion is that if my kid doesn’t get into the Ivy League or even his dream school because he spent time day dreaming and being silly with his friends, it’s just not the end of the world or even close to it. </p>
<p>And who am I to say that he’s spending his time wrong? He’s a nice, kind, happy kid. In the end, I think that’s going to get him where he needs to go in life.</p>
<p>I guess the only thing that would have me stressed is if Son applied to his dream reach school, was admitted, but then I couldn’t pay for it.</p>
<p>Sometimes I tend to think that they are going to rise (or sink) to their natural level of achievement no matter what I say or do and all the positive and negative incentive in the world isn’t going to make that much difference. </p>
<p>But I can’t seem to stop my self from using the carrot and stick approach.</p>
<p>I.e. – if you get a A on this test, if you can get your GPA up to X, if you can score above a XXXX on the SAT, blah, blah, blah … I’ll reward you with desired item.</p>
<p>OR – If you get one more C in you will lose your right to …(drive, play sport, stay out till X time, etc).</p>
<p>I hate myself for doing this, but the CONSEQUENCES of this year are so important, I just can’t seem to stop. </p>
<p>Do other parents use this reward/punishment approach? Or is everyone else’s kid completely self motivated???</p>
<p>I have three kids of what I see as just about equally intelligence. All had the same advantages and opportunities. The one that attends the ivy was self motivated to get himself there. No amount of nagging will get most kids there yet I do see many parents beating dead horses with their kids. </p>
<p>We encouraged each of our kids to do their best, play to their strengths and find schools where they could do that. We stopped nagging after our oldest informed us it wouldn’t work when he was about 10.</p>
<p>I’m the mom of 2 boys. One is somewhat motivated in school and has gradually become very engaged in the college search process (high school senior). The other son, not so much. I’m also one of the moms who has decided to limit college discussions to once a month for S2 (high school junior).</p>
<p>I’m wondering if we’re all parents of boys who are asking ourselves the question of how much to stress about our sons? Any parents of girls who feel this way, please raise your hands.</p>