<p>I received a text from dd today saying that I needed to sign a form. She also asked for some other items that were in her closet. We met at Panera for a liege waffle. She was off and running within 15 minutes. For those of you that have more phone contact, you guys are lucky. I would love that so much. I want to give her her space. It took all of me not to hug and squeeze her guts out!! LOLOL</p>
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<p>Well, bless your heart. I’m really glad that you’re not the sole arbiter of the Calling and Texting Limits for Parents. </p>
<p>You mentioned familial dynamics in your post #79 but you did make snide references to “excessive” communication in your earlier post. My D and I text every day - sometimes multiple times if she has a question she wants to bounce off me. You may think that’s excessive, but we just have that kind of relationship. In our world, a “compelling reason” is “what do you think of these shoes?”</p>
<p>These kinds of conversations pop up routinely on CC. As in many other topics, they sometimes mutate into a back-and-forth between two factions: the “if-you-communicate-with-your-kids-more-than- once-a-week-then you’re-a-suffocating-controlling-helicopter-parent” group and the “if-you-communicate-less-frequently-you-must -be-a-cold-aloof-loner-with-poor-parenting-skills.” Relax. There’s no right or wrong here, and there’s no need to get all judge-y about the customs and dynamics of others families.</p>
<p>Too many helicopter parents here! Let go! Communication styles need to change when a child (adult) goes off to college. No lack of respect for not responding to texts- they can be a nuisance. Why not send an email that can be received and responded to at one’s convenience, plus convey much more info? Think about it- how much of what is sent is worthwhile 24 hours later? Your nuclear family is dissolving, like it or not. Ages and stages. I think you should be happy your child has enough else to do, friends to talk with and is secure enough they can let go of mommy and childhood habits.</p>
<p>I know when a friend from sports still in HS died son’s freshman spring we sent numerous emails back and forth- great way to be sure he was doing okay with it and arranging for his coming home for the funeral. </p>
<p>Yes, I know I am continuing an endless debate but could not let this topic go without another comment. I see a real disconnect with the people around us when so many are too busy on their cell phones to pay attention to people they are with or passing by. It is nice that son has been willing to talk while en route to classes then and walking to work now, but this has been not that frequent. </p>
<p>Just to take a longer perspective here. My dad’s been dead for 12 years. My mom has Alzheimers, and speaking on the phone with her is both weird and painful.</p>
<p>Do I wish I’d communicated with them more often when I could have – even if it was just to say, “Hey, I saw a cartoon and thought of you”? You bet. And now that time is gone. It slipped away faster than I could ever have imagined when I was 20.</p>
<p>I’m still not arguing for punitive measures. But I’m happy every time my cell phone chimes.</p>
<p>@WasatchWriter,</p>
<p>Even if someone had told you that you’d be experiencing these things at this stage of your life, I bet that you probably wouldn’t have believed it. Young adults rarely listen to these types of stories. They think that everyone will live forever. </p>
<p>@scout59 </p>
<p>I did say that if your daughter(s) and/or son(s) welcome and initiate that degree of communication, there’d be nothing strange or unusual about that. If your child texts you every day because they want to, there’s really nothing wrong with that. </p>
<p>But what I noticed in this thread is that some parents expressed frustration with the fact that they don’t communicate with their children as much as they wish, and frankly, in my opinion, they seem to want to stay in near-constant contact with them. If one’s child(ren) don’t want to respond to a text right that second that they get it or if their actions indicate that they want to somewhat decrease the degree of communication that they have with their parents, they may want to be a little more independent of them. If both parties want to maintain a high degree of communication, that’s alright. If one party(The parents, obviously) wants to communicate much more than the other, in most cases, the parent should relent. For God’s sake, someone in this thread expressed approval of a phone app that locks the phone of a student if they don’t call enough to their parents’ satisfaction. That’s a little much, to say the least.</p>
<p>In essence, I am expressing disapproval of the phenomenon of helicopter parenting. I am not, however, passing judgment on those who want and enjoy a very close relationship with their parents. Often, “helicopter parenting” is not something that the children ask for or welcome.</p>
<p>You might be inclined to dismiss my opinion as that of some emotionally distant college student who doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but I ask that you consider whether it’s wise for a parent who may want their child(ren) to enjoy what they consider to be the traditional college experience if they’re trying to stay in near-constant contact with them, especially since this kind of behavior wasn’t very common in years past.</p>
<p>I’m the one that wrote to cut off the bills. Frankly because I have never requested them to communicate so many times a week or a day. I’m the least of the helicopter parent, I never even go to Parents weekend, never checked on homework. I rarely sent an email to ask how are they doing, none. My comment is in direct response to the comment if they choose to ignore my texts then what would I do. Luckily, none of my kids do that but I consider that behavior rude if they do. It’s like talking someone talking to you in person and you ignore them.
People keep refer to things in the past, but we are not in the past, we have to learn to deal with modern technology.</p>
<p>@NewHavenCTmom : I’m sure you’re right. But some things just have to be said.</p>
<p>“In our world, a “compelling reason” is “what do you think of these shoes?””</p>
<p>Yes. Exactly! And texting is a better method because a photo of said shoes / outfit can be attached. </p>
<p>I text my 72 yo mother and my sister too. I still think a text is way less intrusive than a phone call, which requires the person to drop what they’re doing. </p>
<p>For parents that communicate daily, that’s ok if they are sometimes initiating it too. But… it’s probably more of a friend relationship (a nice thing!) than parent interaction. Sometimes that happens with good fortune, sometimes not. </p>
<p>DS opts to be "in the bubble’ at his school, avoiding outside world. We have learned to deal with that. He solves his own problems quite well on his own. I’d rather be in the loop (except at midnight hours), but I respect his independence. </p>
<p>I think of texting as less intrusive as well. (Maybe my friends talk too much on the phone!) It is more casual than an email and for quicker thoughts. It can be for urgent communication, but doesn’t have to be answered right away. The sender does have to be aware that the recipient could be in a situation in which he can’t answer.</p>
<p>If my kids texts me and expect an immediate response, darn straight they better answer me quickly. I do hate when they text and say “pick me up” and I ask “where” (because they are at the HS or a field that has multiple places for pick-up) and they do not answer - hello, I am the one trying to help you!</p>
<p>Obviously depends on the situation.</p>
<p>We don’t text about blah blah blah, it is usually related to picking someone up or checking on someone away at camp. If you don’t answer within 24 hours of a text, and you are away at a new camp, I’m going to be upset.</p>
<p>As for college - the only texts I would send, without my child starting the text conversation would be the following:
- Please call when you get a chance (expect a call in a few days, or a text)
- Please call tonight (important but not earth-shattering)
- Please call ASAP (significant emergency / major issue of family importance)</p>
<p>I have texted my oldest back and forth a few times, but in general it was where he had to wait somewhere and he had nothing else to do, and could not talk to friends.</p>
<p>(Our oldest has ignored the second message while at a camp, and he got what for because of it. The rule is that if he is at a camp that allows cell phones, he checks in at least by text every day. When he is in college, hopefully once per week check-in at most unless he wants to text or talk.)</p>
<p>As for what I would do if the three messages noted weren’t answered by text or phone call? The answer is, if you are over 18, and you want to cut off ties with your parents, that’s up to you. Don’t expect us to keep your room set up and pay for extras when you blow us off. I would not cut off his phone, but certainly how I approach him after college would depend on how he treated us. If you want to live with mommy and daddy after college for a few years rent free, your cell phone tacked on to their phone bill and watching their cable, don’t be rude to them while you are in college.</p>
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<p>This so wouldnt work for me. That is soooo disrespectful. My kids were never allowed to say what when they were growing up, as if I were bothering them.</p>
<p>I have two in college, and they are very different. D1 pretty much calls or texts me daily, so I normally dont have to. If I dont hear from her for a couple of days I will check in, because that is so out of the norm for her. My son is a loner,so I have asked that he calls once per week, just so we can touch base. He is very bad about responding to texts, and I only text him if I need something, e.g. meal plans, letter received, etc. He got really bad about responding to my texts and I told him that was unacceptable, especially since the phone is not a necessity. I informed him he was more than welcome to pay the bill each month, problem solved.</p>
<p>I also think texting is the least intrusive method of communication and don’t believe for a second that in order to be independent, one must limit communication with loved ones. One of my kids is VERY independent and also probably my best texter. Failure to respond to a text within a few hours is just immature and rude, not independent. I think part of becoming an adult is learning to balance and manage all parts of life, family, friends and school/work, not cutting off one to focus on another. </p>
<p>Parents shouldn’t be hounding or trying to micromanage their kids from afar, but the kids also need to realize that even though they are no longer home day to day, they are still part of the family.</p>
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<p>This.^^ </p>
<p>Texting is more casual which means a response may not be immediate. If I want an immediate response from D, I call. If I want to send info or ask a time insensitive question, I text and let her respond at her convenience. Of course, if she never responds, that may mean she misses out on something. D has learned to read the texts and respond accordingly but we rarely ‘chat’ via text.</p>
<p>Communication…</p>
<p>What works for each family will be different so it is not for me to say what is right or wrong. I do feel that all parties involved in the communication need to agree what is expected. Both parties also need to understand and respect each others expectations. Both the college student and the parent are going through new stages in their life - becoming independent and letting go - so the ability to understand each others expectations may be difficult. It is a growth process for all!!</p>
<p>My $.02</p>
<p>When I was a young enlisted man stationed in Europe a few decades ago, I went without contact with my parents once for a few months. By which I mean, my mom wrote me letters but I was busy working (sometimes on deployment) and hadn’t called or written back. This was in the days before cells phones were common and before everyone had internet access. We had one phone in the dorms, she had the number, but would wait until I would give them a brief ring to call me back, because of the time differential and such. I wasn’t dependent on them or going to school or anything like that.</p>
<p>One day I got called into my First Sergeant’s office. My mom had written him saying she was worried about my health and safety, and she hadn’t heard from me in months and could he confirm I was okay? For you non veterans, this is like contacting the regional vice president of the company you work as a cashier for. <em>HE</em> had work to do, <em>I</em> had work to do, and we have to address this issue of Mommy Didn’t Get A Phone Call? Awkward. Embarrassing. Mortifying.</p>
<p>Do I expect frequent phone calls from D1? No. Do I expect her to initiate contact and send email, or chats, or texts, or skype, and answer me when I contact her? Yes. I’m paying the bills and she’s in the same time zone and she carries communication means around with her every day. She can put off watching old tv series on netflix for a few minutes to drop me a line first.</p>
<p>In college, she’ll be on the monthly installment tuition payment plan. I’ll give her the money for her tuition, I won’t pay the college directly; she will know just how much her education costs and will be responsible for paying it herself. And if she’s at a school within driving distance, I’ll give her the money (check) in person, happily, when she visits home. Or, she can isolate herself, rely on her mother for everything, and discover the hard way just who has actually been supporting her all these years.</p>
<p>I have read that the Israeli army has trouble with parents texting kids and commanders too much. </p>
<p>“I don’t want this happening again soldier.” “Yes, sir!”</p>
<p>son only started ignoring texts once he got to college, no biggie I’m working around it. he replies to enough of them and the important ones</p>