“That’s really why I’m posting – I have NO control over anything now, and I’m wondering how people cope with the stress of that!”
Welcome to the rest of your life.
Try to change your perspective to something like: “Woo hoo! I got them this far, and now they are capable young adults, in charge of their own lives and decisions!”
They aren’t all the way there, but they, and you, are on their way.
My parents were not involved in my college app process at all. I distinctly remember someone asking my mom how she could possibly be so calm and her response was: “Well, she hasn’t really screwed up in 17 years, why would I expect her to start now?”
Of course, that advice only works if your kids haven’t “screwed up” but it was comforting to both me and her. If they got in their apps on time to the ED schools, you have to trust that they’ll do the same with the RD schools.
Love this, and isn’t it what we all aim for? Now to do it…that’s harder.
Mine weren’t involved in my process, and I really wish they had been. I found out later that they had had vibes that a big school wasn’t right for me, but they were trusting me because I’d been so responsible. I picked that school because 1) it was very affordable and 2) yay, accepted into the honors program! I actually ended up transferring out after the end of my junior year. I tried sticking it out and made the best of it while I was there, but it wasn’t a good fit. Transferring cost me an extra year of school to graduate (although to be fair I changed majors too); it took me 5 years instead of 4. Not a big deal back then, but at today’s rates, it’s a bigger one.
Different strokes for different folks.
Mine wouldn’t have been able to help even if they wanted and I loved my undergrad and now I love my grad school.
(And I went to the in-state safety. No regrets.)
^^^ That’s great! I love hearing that people are happy at the end of this process! And as you say, different strokes. 
OP, if your KIDS don’t feel they’d be happy at the state U, then it is not their safety. A safety is where your student can get in, can afford to go and would like to attend. Since they have some very specific requirements, they should either continue searching or start searching for other schools that meet those requirements that you can afford and where they are likely to be accepted in the event the their top choices do not accept them.
If not, then they may end up with a gap year.
@sseamom, I know that, and we’ve been diligently looking for alternatives for a long time now. We just haven’t found anything better. Hopefully, they’ll get into their ED schools or one of their (reachy to me) targets with great FA. Their guidance counselor says statistically they have good chances at their targets. I should trust him, but I’m not so optimistic. As my husband says, it’s not a day ending in Y if I’m not worried about something.
@suzy100, I’m currently taking your advice! Good to know others feel the stress as well. We’ll know the answer soon as my daughter’s dream school posted that the decision letters were mailed today! So tonight there’s nail biting and wine!
If you are concerned that they might not be accepted into their top picks, you should have them look at a few more schools. I think you are wise making them include the state school. I would have them apply to a few LACs where you know they will get in. If you can find some where their stats are high, that’s even better. An LAC is more likely to have the smaller class size and access to the professors. You can’t get too hooked on things like not having to lock your dorm room, because they really should be locking their dorm rooms no matter where they are. We toured one school where the guide told us you could leave your computer in the library for a day and no one would take it. I think that sounds nice, but I wouldn’t recommend that any kid leave those things lying around the library. As far as partying goes, I believe that pretty much every school is a party school if you want it to be, but there are a lot of kids who don’t drink. You don’t have to be part of the party scene. I think it’s perfectly ok as a mom for you to say that you want a few other good options available to them if their dream scenarios don’t pan out. Tell them they need to loosen up a bit on their requirements since you aren’t searching for a dream school. My daughter is currently attending the school we had her visit after falling in love with another college. We told her we hoped the dream college would pan out because we loved it too, but it was a financial reach and we needed her to check out this other school that had several similarities but was likely to be in our financial range. My way of dealing with the stress was to find acceptable solutions if the dream school didn’t pan out. We had two acceptable back up plans. The dream school lost a lot of it’s appeal as one of the back up schools really recruited her hard and gave her a fantastic scholarship.
Good luck! I hope it all works out.
One thing that I think helps is to talk with your child about next steps in advance in the case that they do not get in.
That seems to make it a real possibility, and establishes a plan. Do you need to visit more schools? Do you want to apply ED2 somewhere else? Which schools will you apply to for regular admission? Having this plan thought through from the beginning helps when you are stressed out.