I feel as if all of my energy has been going towards being calm and trying to say and do the right things for my kids. I’ve got two who just applied ED to some very competitive (but not ivy) LACs. I am really really hoping they get into these schools – not only do I truly believe they’re great fits, but they also would be the most affordable. I don’t want them to sense that I’m constantly thinking about it, and I’m sure I’ve done a good job with that so far, but it’s so hard!
Their guidance counselor feels that they have “good shots” at the schools; their stats are in the 25-75% accepted ranges and the Naviance graphs are favorable. However, they are applying for financial aid, and their GPAs are only average for these schools. One of them has good (nothing out of the ordinary, though) ECs, and one has excellent.
I would like them to prepare backup applications. The notification dates are Dec 15 and Jan 1, so if they don’t get in, that’s not a lot of time to get regular decision supplements done. I mentioned that yesterday and was “yes mom’d” with eye rolls, So now I have something else to worry about.
For the one with slightly lesser stats, this is, I believe, her only shot at getting into a school that meets 100% of need. She has found some academic safeties where she would fit in, but they’re more expensive. The other one has found NO good safeties at all where she’d be happy. I’m insisting that they include our state flagship on their common app, but it’s huge and I know they would hate it.
If they both get in, things will be fantastic. If not, we have a lot to deal with. How do I not communicate my stress? I’m dreaming about it at night and thinking about it during the day.
I assume this is not unusual around here… tell me it will be alright!
Of course you prepare backup applications. That’s what responsible people at the top of the heap do. The alternative is called laziness.
It doesn’t usually take that much work to prepare applications to matches and safeties unless you wait too long…
After getting their ED apps completed, there can be an understandable decompression period, but after that, as a parent, I’d tell them that they had to have match and safety apps (maybe even state flagship) completed and on my desk by a date certain or privileges would start to disappear.
They aren’t “backup” applications – they are “the rest of their applications”. I’d move briskly right onto those for a couple of reasons:
If your kids don’t get into their ED schools, they may wallow for a while and have trouble getting moving when it is most critical to do so.
Even if they do get in, some schools lag in getting the FA package to you. Your kids need to keep working on apps, and even pull the trigger on submitting them if the other school application due dates approach and you have not yet confirmed that the FA package works. If you need a review of the FA package (not happy with it), that can add time. You do not need to respond to the ED acceptance until all of that is done, and do not need to withdraw other applications until that is done. Just tell admissions at the ED schools that you are waiting on FA finalization, and need an extension. And keep those other apps on track and submitted as appropriate.
A couple years ago a kid out here got in ED at a top LAC. His aid package came a bit late, and was insufficient. He had stopped his other apps when he got the ED decision, and was poorly positioned to get them in on time. He had missed dates, and others were only a day or two away. He ended up at a state university with rolling admissions, which I think worked out for him, but it was very stressful.
They know this, and say they have already started, and basically the eye rolls were because I need to trust them to deal with it. Sorry, my fault I wasn’t clear. It’s the not being involved that’s difficult – with their common app and ED supplemental essays, they came to me a lot for advice and revision input, so it’s an adjustment for me to back off. They’re very responsible. They got their ED applications in rather early for the Nov 15 deadline.
And ultimately, they do have a financial/academic safety in our very good state school, I just hate the thought of them going and being miserable. I’ve never been anything but positive about it to them, but it’s been obvious from the beginning that they would not thrive at a big school. So that’s part of my worry.
You need to turn that line of thinking off. They probably won’t “be miserable”. Each kind of school has its strengths. I went to a large state school, my kids went to LACs. But they could have gone to a state school, and I think they would have found friends and gotten a solid education. You are not helping by promoting a “dream school” mentality. You have no control over it now. Get yourself excited about the opportunities at their remaining schools.
All I can say is that I’m in the same boat. I know it is not right, but I feel responsible for helping him find and chose the best options. I have been very anxious. I really do believe things will be fine and that he can make the best of the choices he ends up with and that HE will make a good decision. But saying that and translating it to not worrying is not happening! So, all that to say I feel your pain!
I agree with JustOneDad. Allow a couple of days for some decompression but then they have to search for viable safeties and matches. If they don’t want to attend the state flagship, then it’s not a safety. But to think safeties don’t exist means they haven’t looked hard enough. Finding the safety is the hardest part of the college search.
As for you backing off, well, they got their ED applications in early, right? So they’ve shown they can meet deadlines. I’d trust them. One thing other parents did last year was to set one day and time a week to discuss college stuff. That seemed to help reduce the stress all around. The other is to set a deadline to submit the rest of the applications (sounds like you did that for ED).
@intparent, I’m not at ALL promoting a dream school mentality or being negative about large schools in front of them. Quite the opposite – from the beginning, I’ve encouraged them NOT to get attached to a particular school, and I’ve taken them to visit some beautiful large universities. I’ve talked to them about finding niches, clubs, and honors programs at larger schools. It’s just taking all of my energy to do this with a terrific attitude when I really don’t think it’s best for them. My husband confirms that I’ve been really good about not projecting any negativity – he actually said he would have had no idea.
That’s really why I’m posting – I have NO control over anything now, and I’m wondering how people cope with the stress of that!
FWIW, both of the colleges commit to sending the FA package with the acceptance, and we’ve gotten a pre-commitment financial aid estimate. We’re not going into this blind. I do not do anything without over-the-top research! This is frequently a negative, but I don’t think it’s bad in the college process…
My strongest suggestion to hide your stress from your kids, is that you may need another outlet to divert your attention. Think about what you will be doing with your time next year, when you are not worrying about them getting in to their best-fit college?
I have been volunteering in our local elementary school as it has always been something I have enjoyed. When D was applying to her vast college list, the best suggestion I was given was to trust them, and to remind them how proud of them you are. I also have been spending a lot of time with my own parents and two aunts who have medical needs, explaining to them what their doctors have said, etc. The best way to get out of a funk is to help someone else in more need than you are.
But I know too well that the eye-rolls aren’t easy. We want our kids to be smarter than we are, just as we were smarter than our parents. But when they actually turn out to be smarter than we hoped for, we must remind ourselves that we’ve done something right.
Sister-in-law told me that the best advice she got about parenting a teenager was simple. “Endure!”
You’ve done a great job, your kids are in a good place in the process, and four years from now this will all be an amusing story told around the Thanksgiving day table as your kids launch into the next phase of their life.
I think the awesome parents of the Class of 2016 who hang on CC are all going through some level of worry and hope they are conveying the right mix of support and guidance for their kids. As for sharing the “big ED dream” secretly, I already have the Facebook post written in my head, the phone tree of family members to call, and the non-nonchalant mention at work where many co-workers are more educated than me – haha. AND… I also know if my kid ends-up at a safety, I’m gonna rock my love for that college too!
Hang in there, and maybe come hang out in the Class of 2016 Parents thread. It’s a very nice group. Aloha!
So… that FB post… try to be low key. Lots of your friends kids may not get into their first choice schools, or can’t afford to send their kids to great schools. It can really feel to them like you are rubbing it in. We did post our kids’ final decisions, but not anything in between (D2 got in everyplace, and we could have kept a running commentary – but didn’t, and asked her not to as well). I know in with ED is the final decision, but just remember that most other families aren’t done, and may not fare as well. That said, good luck to your kiddo – and I do sympathize with the OP, this is the hardest part because you can only wait.
Two things come to mind: separating your projections and wants (which we all have as parents) and the realization that you’ve already given your child all the things they need to be adaptive and successful, e.g. be confident in your parenting skills. In life you never know, we have 3 daughters, and all really fissured my pre-expectations…
D 1, I thought would be like pops, and be a big time college athlete, nope, she quits sports, turns down D1 schoolies and ends up graduating from UCSF medical school. D2, we lowered, (well, I lowered expectations, per the direct orders of my wife) expectations, thought she would go to a solid, but low key LAC, nope, she gets into Y (and blew everyone’s mind), D3, (actually adopted from another family member) like many last children in the family, we were much more liberal and relaxed, and she basically called the shots, and in doing, turns down an Ivy, and instead is at a UCLA.
Bottom line, success has many definitions and even more roads…she will be fine.
Thank you to everyone – I guess it is just a matter of enduring and keeping busy! I think I will step up my volunteering in my son’s elementary school and just try to get through the next few weeks.
And @palm715, I will definitely check out that parents of 2016 thread!
“success has many definitions and even more roads.”
Oh yes, THIS! WE do not have “dream schools” here, not for financial or merit or education. The principal at D’s school asked at parent night last night what her favorite was, and she said, “All of them.” And she meant it.They are mostly small schools, but some are public, some private, a couple are humongous and a couple teeny. But she has things she likes and would be happy to have at each. While I have my preferences, I take her lead and work on not stressing about which will be “perfect” and KNOW that none will make her “miserable”, not even the state safety.
I also have two much older kids who took paths I did not anticipate when they were in school. You learn to roll with the punches, because kids rarely do exactly what we as parents would predict. It’s their life to lead. You kids will be fine, even at the state college, if that’s where they go.
Pheebers: It seems to me that you are doing a great job with all of this. But I’m not sure how to help you handle the stress. I have a friend who has four children. Her last is in my youngest daughter’s grade, so they are both applying this year. She told me that each time she has to face college apps again she tells herself that she’s not going to get all worked up about it. And each time she gets all worked up about it. This whole thing becomes very all- consuming.
I have to admit, I kind of enjoy it. I enjoyed traveling with my kids and seeing them figuring out the fit. I enjoy discussing the possibilities with them, and talking through each problem and solution. There’s pressure, yes, but managing it together offers a new chance to bond with the kiddo.
I agree with Ruby789, enjoy, and take a moment to enjoy this period. While we visited all the “final” schools as a family, I made preliminary solo trips with all my Ds-- and we had a blast. Admittedly they are proverbial “daddy’s girls”, to hear, unencumbered, their views and hopes in life, and see the starting point of their adulthood is still a warm memory. I often think, “damn, they are so much more mature and evolved than me, when I was their age”-- but, only because they probably are…wink.
“That’s really why I’m posting – I have NO control over anything now, and I’m wondering how people cope with the stress of that!” Wine, and lots of it.
I went through this last year, and it is stressful for the parents, but it’s exciting too. I actually miss part of it, but not most of it. It’s a wild ride for sure, and at this point (since your kiddos seem to have everything well in hand) I think it’s time to just hang on and enjoy the ride as best you can.
I have been stressed out quite a bit because my D is a procrastinator but somehow, always manages to come through. She’s applying to 14 schools, all RD and her plan is to have everything done by Dec. 1st. The only thing she still needs to do is write the essays. Every time I ask her about it, I get the “don’t even go there” look When I casually mention things she always comments, “mom, I know way more about this process than you think!” I’m starting to relax a bit more now that we’re getting into the home stretch but it has been taxing! In the end, I know it’s all going to have to be her doing that gets her to the finish line, not mine.
It seems like the OP has ‘dream schools’ mentality that her kids might not. ‘Safety’ doesn’t mean lesser school, and I think the OP might have some misconceptions of the state flagship being inferior, every class having 65-200 students in it, and just second rate. IMO, the best way to deal with the stress is to realize that there are a lot of other options and they’ll work out.
What’s the worst thing that could happen if OP’s children don’t get accepted ED and haven’t submitted applications to other schools? They’ll have to scramble to apply, apply to rolling admissions schools, or take a gap year. Not the end of the world.
OP here – I actually went to the state flagship school and was in their honors program. I do have a good idea about what the school is like! There were a lot of very bright people there, and opportunities for people willing to look for them. The food was great, the dorms were cinderblocks. I had a few 800 person classes (not exaggerating) and a few with fewer than 10 people.
The issue with our state school is not really prestige. Our state school is getting a reputation around here for not being a safety for most kids, so they, and I, wouldn’t be embarrassed to say where they’re going. The issue is almost completely the size – they want small classes, a meaningful honor code (at both schools the tour guides said no one they know ever locks their dorm rooms or worries about leaving their computer or wallet unattended when they get up from the table in the library), access to professors. Classes not taught by adjuncts and TAs. Little partying or pressure to party, and access to but little focus on sports. At one of the schools, you have the option to take any final whenever you want during finals week, alone in your room, on the honor system. A non-competitive, cooperative feeling amongst peers. This is the kind of atmosphere where they feel they would fit in and be happy. This also rules out a LOT of schools, and they know they may not get this nirvana, but hey, they know what they want.
A few of my daughters’ close friends are only looking at big schools, think my kids are nuts, and say the schools my Ds are looking at would drive them crazy. It’s a personality thing.
