<p>Interestingly, I don’t worry about this sort of thing at all when they’re not home. But when they’re under my roof, I worry as much as I did when they were in high school.</p>
<p>My son, who is a graduate student at a university in California, is flying back to California today after attending a conference in Ireland. This doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t even know his flight numbers, where he is changing planes, or when he expects to arrive.</p>
<p>But on the rare occasions when he is staying at my home in Maryland, if he goes out in one of the cars and is an hour later than he expected to be getting home, I worry.</p>
<p>When my daughter is at her college in upstate New York, I don’t worry about her day-to-day routine. But this summer, when she’s living at home while working at an internship in a nearby city, I am very aware of when she gets up, when she goes to bed, and whether she is later than usual getting home from work (and on those occasions when she is later than usual, I always worry about her driving, even though she is a very careful driver).</p>
<p>This makes no sense. I know it makes no sense. But it’s how I feel.</p>
<p>Maybe it’s hereditary. Years ago, when my father was still alive and lived about an hour and a half’s drive away from me, he would always ask me to call him to let him know I had arrived safely after I drove back home from his house. I would do it, but it seemed bizarre. He had no idea where I was driving to or whether I got there safely on days when I didn’t visit him, and that didn’t bother him. So why did it bother him when I was driving home from his place? Now I understand.</p>
<p>Reading these posts is very therapeutic. I thought it was just me who still cannot leave my daughter’s bedroom door open b/c it reminds me of how much I miss her this summer (she’s in another state doing an internship). And even though I know she goes out on weekends when at college, I sleep just fine, but now that I know she’s driving to/from work and all around a city for her job, I worry daily and have night terrors!</p>
<p>Donna- I so understand what you are going through with the driving. Oldest daughter goes to school in NY, and although there is so much to worry about, at least I don’t have to worry about her driving everyday. Middle daughter drives off campus from her school for her sport, and so I worry three times a week when she goes to practice. And now the senior in high school has an internship in the capital this summer; that is really getting to me. I even asked her to text me when she got to the parking lot every morning!!! We live in kind of a rural area where there is minimal interstate driving, and she has been on a frantic interstate everyday, the picture scaring me to death. </p>
<p>And for the original poster, I found IM worked the best the first year (and thereafter) for oldest daughter. If she wanted to ding me, she did; otherwise, I left her alone. I know she had at least one friend who changed her IM address because her mother was IMing her so much first year!! She also called while walking to and from classes a lot, especially when she needed something. Middle daughter is totally different. She just finished freshman year, and she calls every morning after class and every time she gets back to school from her sport and then usually IMs me at night–much more dependent than oldest daughter and had much more homesickness. </p>
<p>And I check the school websites of both schools occasionally and read headlines on oldest daughter’s school paper daily, because neither of them would EVER think to tell me the things I learn there.</p>
<p>csshsm – I am in exactly the same position. We live in a small town, and even our “highway” is a walk in the park, so our kids never got much experience. Now she’s driving on interstates and narrow country roads with hills and big trees! And the population there is pretty aggressive in their driving habits. She’s already been pushed off the road, where she split a tire, and scraped a stone pillar costing hundreds to repair. She just spent every penny she had buying this car b/c she needed it for this internship (which is non-paying btw) and now she’s spending even more! We just keep hoping that all these experiences are valuable ones, and are grateful she hasn’t been injured. But it sure it going to be a long, long summer!!</p>
<p>I don’t we ever stop being parents. Everytime I hear a siren and I know the kids are out driving around I have a “moment” but then I remember that you don’t get better at something unless you do it over and over and over. Once they leave for college I actually found it easier since I had no idea what they were doing or where they were going. Fortunately I didn’t need to push my birds out of the nest, they just took off flying one day. It’s all very bittersweet, on one hand you “still” parent even when the kids are far off, but at the same time we enjoy watching them “fly away.”</p>
<p>I have a deal with my kids, both now two years out of college. If I send an email or text with the word “PING!” in it, they have to reply within 24 hours. We’ve had this deal for six years now, since they went to college. In exchange, I don’t abuse the privilege. Mostly, I use it if I’ve been trying to get a hold of one of them for a few days, and actually need to talk. (My last use was April; before that early January; before that, October.)</p>
<p>I’ve recently gotten myself a twitter account. I have two followers: both kids. In turn, I follow them, and a few others. I like that, because it gives me a non-invasive window.</p>
<p>Driving is a scary thing. There were only two things that really scared me while my D was growing up–driving and swimming pools (when she first learned to swim and would swim when she was with other adults but not with me).</p>
<p>We are letting our D take my car to school with her this Fall because her ECs and grocery shopping necessitate it. She is a California driver who will be dealing with midwest winters. I have asked that she drive as little as possible, especially if there is snow or ice, but I won’t be there to monitor it. I may never sleep again!</p>
<p>My s just completed his freshman year at his first choice school which is about 1500 miles from where we live as well. We have all learned alot. With cell phones we are in contact, especially when we are needed. There was a time he wanted to transfer to our local university, as he said he missed the “emmenities” of home. We told him to suck it up, and stay three more years. I hope he thanks us in the future for that. We encouraged him to accept an internship on campus this summer, even though it would have been easier to tell him to come home. I’ve learned to listen more and say less, then I get to hear more…</p>
<p>‘I’ve learned to listen more and say less, then I get to hear more…’</p>
<p>well put, littlemimie. . . .that seems to be the key to good conversations, and it’s wonderful to have conversations with the children as they cross the bridge into adulthood.</p>
<p>thoughts that help me when fretting happens:</p>
<p>The vast majority of people grow up and into old age (evidence: over-population is a problem and in this country the number of people living to over a hundred is increasing exponentially)</p>
<p>The news media creates an over-focus on tragedies and disasters. Most people get where they are going; most other people driving do not want to get into a crash and will work hard to avoid the novice driver’s mistakes. The odds are actually high that our kids will get home, thrive, and live to produce grandchildren that we will live to see. Not thinking too much about bad outcomes is actually good for our health so we can live to be those grandparents. </p>
<p>And I remember that my grandmother had a 17 year old go off to the Pacific in combat and 2 other kids who were also out of communication more often than not and in war zones for 4 years and everyone came back. </p>
<p>So my kids are up against everyday hazards in what is actually a pretty safe and sound culture more days than not.</p>
<p>Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments. This has inspired me to take a step back. I have been worrying about all of the things that he needs to do before leaving. Ordinarily I may have told him what he needs to do but instead I acknowledged that he had so much to keep track of and I asked him if he wanted to collaborate on putting a to do list together. This worked so much better. He also came accross a card from his school about psychological services available. He brushed it off saying that this was just in case they admitted any crazy people. I told him that when I was in school I had a meltdown and that I was able to go home for the weekend and cry and then get back to work. I told him that if he ever had a problem that couldn’t be resolved with a phone call that this service is available to him and that there is nothing wrong with using it</p>
<p>I plan to learn to IM this summer but I don’t expect to be invited as a facebook friend even if I do get my own page. Thank you for the great suggestions about listening, keeping up with the school’s newsletters, goodie boxes, Sunday phone calls,Skype, getting permission to receive grades and medical information and about talking about being available to celebrate with and commiserate with whenever he felt like it and also about standards and expectations, and details of day to day living that up until now are taken for granted.</p>
<p>This is a big change for the whole family, but at least he is one young man who has already started to learn to iron :). One more suggestion for those that don’t iron, Spray and stretch!</p>
<p>Once I put my kids in their colleges, they will be very secure. A few calls a day to check on them. I’ll have their schedules memorized so my calls don’t interupt their classes. Their profs and myself will have to email every so often so they can tell me how they’re doing. We are already connected through networking sites and webcam; I’ll know who they are socializing with. I have their passwords (which can readily be changed), so if either miss class or don’t answer my calls … goodbye myspace, facebook, email, everything. We sat on the couch to discuss this. My kids get that you can move across the country from us but the rules never change. Period.</p>
<p>I have one in graduate school now and one halfway through college, and I think you are right on track with the collaboration concept. You and your son have different experiences and perspectives, and you have access to different information. Two heads are better than one.</p>
<p>Woah… I have a feeling you’re in for a rude wake up call. Kids can change passwords, too. What about when your kids are out of college? Will the rules never change then? How about when they are thirty?</p>
<p>^ Gotta be a ■■■■■ <a href=“edit:%20Leah,%20not%20mathmom”>I</a>*. Can you imagine the reaction from faculty who are told a student’s mom expects them to send her email updates on the student’s progress? :rolleyes:</p>
<p>My daughter doesn’t call often – rarely more than once a week – and she might email me once a week, as well. But I follow her many Twitter posts and this is how I know she’s OK. She knows I check this often and it has been a convenient way for her communicate, especially when she’s traveling or doing an internship on the other side of the country. I don’t Twitter myself, I just follow her. An added benefit is being able to see the public posts of her friends.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry too much about Leah’s kids. I’d lay bets they have two facebook accounts, one for show and one for their own use. Ditto email. You know, it’s just not that hard to keep secrets. As for the grades and the profs, I’m pretty sure the colleges can handle that issue themselves.</p>
<p>But I get why her kids are moving across the country!</p>