<p>So long as you, the parent, have appropriate expectations and convey to your kid the realities of the process, the comments of others shouldn’t do too much damage. I have a friend who was shocked and upset this season when the daughter of one of her friends was denied at a long list of top schools. She felt bad because she had told the mother how exceptional the girl was and how she was sure to get into these places (even without having all the specific information of her academic record). She is a wonderful person and had the best of intentions. Hopefully, the parents themselves knew enough to not talk that way and set their child up for overwhelming disappointment.</p>
<p>"Now… they are all over the idea that D2 should attend an Ivy. My mom has Princeton in her head. "</p>
<p>-This one is very easy to answer. Do they know that Princeton accepts only about 17% of valedictorians ( I mean kids with GPA=4.0 and crazy number of EC’s)? Not putting anybody down, but be realistic about expectations, I cannot see a kid with 3.6 applying there. However, again, do not listen to me either, apply if you want to. I mentioned this facto only as a possible answer to question about applying to Princeton.<br>
We did not care too much about prestige or elite status of UG, despite all advising. D. just went to the one that matched most of her criteria for selection. She also was on full tuition Merit scholarship there. Her choice of UG has worked perfectly. Her experiences at non-flagship state school were beyond all our expectations, including acceptances to top Medical Schools. She is in a process of choosing one.</p>
<p>"I don’t want him thinking he’ll get in; he’ll apply to various colleges next fall but I want him to like all his schools and not expect to get in anywhere selective. I want him to be realistic but how do I deal with relatives who just don’t get it? "
teach your kids all about chances and probability. Make sure that they understand that if a college admit rate is 20%, they UNDERSTAND that means 80% of all applicants GET REJECTED. AND make sure they know that the most selective colleges DONT CARE how much a student wants to go there, because there are thousands of other students applying there who would also qualify for admission. That is the reality that that will help protect them from disappointment- to know that college acceptances at most selective, reach schools really is a crap shoot these days, and is not a reflection on his ability to do well in college.</p>
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<p>My IL’s said several silly things during the process. My FIL very much pushed Brandeis so they could meet / marry “nice Jewish boys / girls”. He also argued with us that Mount Holyoke was a Catholic college, which he “knew” because he lived in Springfield, MA for some amount of time. He tried to tell us that a college that is only known in his hometown has a “nationwide reputation”. They also expressed surprise when someone else was accepted at Harvard but rejected at Cornell. Bottom line? You just have to ignore it.</p>
<p>Yes, I know that her GPA is unrealistic for Princeton. She is only a soph and on an upward trend with it, so she might end up around 3.7 (that is unweighted, she is taking all honors classes and will take as many APs as allowed – so weighted would be signficantly higher if her school weighted). And honestly, she barely breaks a sweat for that GPA at a pretty rigorous independent private school – the talent is there, but elbow grease can be an issue. She exerts effort in a couple of areas that she really likes, but not so much on some of the others. </p>
<p>In any case, Princeton is neither particulary desirable or realistic for her. But my mom is not a good listener… and she is SO sure that they will be salivating for this very bright kid. She just tunes out the idea that there are thousands of really bright kids (many with more elbow grease and stronger leadership ECs) that will be vying for those spots. Reality does not have a lot to do with my mom’s view of the world, and statistics mean literally nothing to her (although money talks – when things got rough with her queries about D1’s search, I asked if she wanted to pay the bill, otherwise to butt out – so I know that can shut her up for a few days). But not for long. So I know I am in for repeated comments and questions on this. Lather, rinse, repeat…</p>
<p>I am dealing with that as well, my D has great grades, leadership, etc… she has always said she wants to be a doctor. She is very practical and has decided she wants to be a nurse with the goal to eventually be an NP. She has put forth some realistic and mature thoughts about this. Has shadowed at my work (I am anurse) and realizes this is what she wants. I have already gotten comments “I thought she wanted to be a doctor” and she has gotten these comments from kids at her private school. She so far has ignored it.
I learned with my first child to not share info. and also once they are in school it doesnt matter. I just support my kids on their path without huge expectations.
I feel the same as all above esp MOB maybe because we are from the same area LOL</p>
<p>Thank-you for all the responses. Intparent, your mom and my mom could be twins! I wish I had read some of these responses before Saturday. We were at a small family gathering and my son had to scoot off to record some music and he was late and still my mom was hounding him as he’s trying to walk out the door. He and I went to visit Princeton and Penn (we’re in So Cal) and she was just peppering him with questions with a gleam in her eye. Ugh. He was pretty vague and just said that we had a nice time. But she was still asking him all the colleges that he was going to apply to (in front of my brother, his wife, her daughter, and my dad) while he’s trying to get out the door. I just avoid her since she doesn’t listen to my admonishments about how tough college admissions is out there. Even my sister, who works at UCBerekely, is trying to get into it. I think I need to take each one aside once more and remind them this is my <em>son’s</em> life, not theirs. Oh, if you didn’t know, I’m the only one who has kids in the family so there’s a reason people are hawking over my son. I hate it, to be honest.</p>
<p>Yes, he’ll get in somewhere. In my heart, I’m kind of hoping for Harvey Mudd since it’s only a couple of hours away. People assume I want my son to go to some Ivy and I have to tell them no, not really. It’s too far and too cold for my tastes.</p>
<p>Well, I’ll keep working on this with my family and keep reminding my son that he doesn’t have to say anything to anyone-the less the better.</p>
<p>What did you do when you had infants and family members weighed in on whatever important-at-the-time-but-silly-in-retrospect decisions you were thinking about? Breastfeeding versus bottlefeeding? Family bed vs crib? Whether you’d send them to this preschool or that one? You thanked them for their concern and opinion, you said you’d take it under advisement, and then you went and did what you wanted to do. You didn’t try to convince them of the rightness of what you were doing – because that implies that they need to approve in the first place. Same principle here.</p>
<p>"Reality does not have a lot to do with my mom’s view of the world, and statistics mean literally nothing to her "</p>
<p>-in this case, let your mom know that your D. will aplly to Princeton as well as any ohter suggested by her Ivy if your mom pays application fees. Would it not serve everybody and will stop any undesirable discussion? Again, this is just a suggestion. Nobody wants complicated relationship in a family because of few tens of $$ or darn college application. In few years you will see that it really did not matter, because the only thing that matters is how your kid feels about UG and what they are doing there. The place itself will not make much of a difference. As my D. said, opportunites were alwyas there, but some kids just did not use them, while she grabbed every one that came her way as much as her time allowed (they still have to sleep, day is NOT 24 hours).</p>
<p>I make an assumption of good will. I had a very brief response about how times had change; “for example, when I was in high school, Princeton admitted 25% of applicants and now it’s less than 10%. It’s a different world!” That either got people up to speed or they ignored me and continued to insist that my kid was a lock for Harvard, in which case I switched over to “smile and nod.”</p>
<p>The person I was really concerned about was my son. We talked a lot about how people mean well but they really don’t understand the reality of today’s admissions process. We also raised him to be wary of confusing name-brand with quality, including colleges.</p>
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<p>I think there are a few well-chosen phrases that are useful to have in one’s hip pocket.
“The great thing is, X is such a great kid, he will do phenomenally wherever he goes. Don’t you agree?”</p>
<p>Or the smile and “Yeah, I know Harvard’s a great school. Isn’t it terrific that there are so many fabulous opportunities and schools these days? He’s having so much fun checking it out!”</p>
<p>I think the key is not to act bothered – because then the other person “wins.”</p>
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<p>Well, you don’t <em>have</em> to tell them anything. (I mean, I get it when it’s your family, but other parents whom you have nothing in common with other than you have kids in the same high school? I never felt I <em>had</em> to tell them anything.)</p>
<p>"We also raised him to be wary of confusing name-brand with quality, including colleges. "</p>
<p>-As I have mentioned, D. did not care about name recognition for UG. We did not care what others were saying. We only delt with suggestions from her advisor, since she graduated #1 in her HS class. But it was not big deal, everything was based on our research and he understood that she was looking for unexpensive option that matched her criteria as much as possible, since she was planning to go to Grad. School later. I have explained to D. that his job was to place top kids to top colleges. Going to top UG has never been D’s goal.</p>
<p>Apparently, my mom is also intparent’s & sbjdorlo’s mom ;)</p>
<p>I just rocked my mom’s world this weekend. She was asking about D1’s upcoming study abroad & point blank asked how much it was. I told her (I usually tap dance, but I didn’t have the fortitude.) Stunned silence (my mom is still living in the early 80’s when it comes to how much stuff costs.) </p>
<p>So then I decided to tell her the details of how much it costs to go to college now, especially in the upper echelon when tuition, room & board comes in at $55,000/year. I don’t think she believed me at first, but as I gave her more detail and she started to sputter, I then told her how much we’re putting out of pocket even with D1 on a close to “full ride” scholarship (more than my parents paid for me per year for everything back in the day.) She’s still chattering about it now; she said she had to have a glass of wine to settle her nerves. </p>
<p>So I’ve decided to be blunt from now on. I’m giving the worst case scenario data about college admissions (but I’m already blunt with my kids about it too; I think they need to know what an 8% college admissions rate means without discouraging them from trying.)</p>
<p>I applaud your bluntness to your kid about the acceptance rates – I think there are far too many kids here on CC who have been told all their lives that they are bright (and indeed there are) and so they look at the single-digit and teen acceptance rates of the Ivies and they somehow think they are exempt from that because they are 4.0’s, 2400 SAT’s, good EC’s, Intel winners, blah blah blah. I was very blunt with my kids about their chances and I think it served them well to be of the “if lightning strikes, woo-hoo!” than of the “whaddya mean I didn’t get in?” school of thought.</p>
<p>The title of this thread cracks me up. You protect your kids when they are little from disease, criminal behavior, physical attack, but why would you need to protect a young adult going off towards college and, presumably, independence, from “others’ expectations”? So what if they didn’t get into the Ivy League or some other elite institution? You can’t protect them from life’s disappointments, but what you can do is give them the tools to shrug them off.</p>
<p>Tptshorty: Read the OP again. It wasn’t about “protecting your kid from the disappointment of not making it into an elite institution.” It was about “protecting your kid from the expectations of OTHERS that of course he will go to / be a slam dunk entry into an elite institution,” often predicated upon a lack of knowledge that getting into an elite institution isn’t a slam dunk at all these days even for the smartest kid.</p>
<p>pizzagirl - shorty answered the question - no need to tell him/her to re read the original post.</p>
<p>The people who you need to watch how you talk to are the ones who write recommendations. It is absolutely does NOT matter how you talk to others, what answers you provide. Why not lie? They stick nose into others’ business, they are asking for it. If one persisits on your child applying to Ivy (even if one is a grandma), to save breath, just say that child has applied. Then after they ask about acceptance, say that child got rejected. Meanwhile nobody needs to apply and waste time and money on unreasonable application. It is pretty straight forward and will keep peace with people close to us. I understand though where grandmas are coming from. They do not have much to do, it is entertaining to them. So by the same token, there is no reason to take what they saying seriously, just provide entertainment that they are looking for.</p>
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I think pizzagirl was telling shorty–in a nicer way–to try not to be obnoxious.</p>