<p>Do any of you have relatives (parents, siblings) who don’t really get how crazy admissions are these days and are just expecting your son/daughter to get into a highly selective school because <em>they</em> think your kid is just the best? How can I protect my son from their expectations? I don’t want him thinking he’ll get in; he’ll apply to various colleges next fall but I want him to like all his schools and not expect to get in anywhere selective. I want him to be realistic but how do I deal with relatives who just don’t get it?</p>
<p>Purchase a large bubble, perhaps two feet thick, so he won’t hear the relatives even if they scream.</p>
<p>You won’t be able to change your relatives behavior. Therefore, do the things you can do. Specifically, explain clearly to your son, with numbers etc., what his realistic chances are. If he has a clear idea of what he is in for next year, then all the relatives’ babblings shouldn’t affect him.</p>
<p>Get used to it! Everyone will expect that little Johnny or Janey will not only get into Harvard but will get a full ride scholarship in the process…notwithstanding the fact that Harvard acceptance rates are near 6% and it only gives financial aid based on need. LOL!</p>
<p>You need to manage your kid’s expectations, whether or not you have relatives who are putting forth unrealistic expectations. You need to discuss with your kid what another poster (englishjw) wrote on another thread (Unless you have a 2200 Don’t Bother):</p>
<p>"First, the numbers alone do not guarantee anything (as has been said here often).</p>
<p>Secondly, it is indeed possible to be accepted by a reach or stretch school.</p>
<p>Thirdly, safeties are no longer a sure thing."</p>
<p>I think that it gives a kid a a feel for the hope and fear that accompanies any application season:</p>
<p>High GPA and scores don’t guarantee you admission to a super-selective college; you need to bring a lot more to the table.</p>
<p>People without sky high GPA and test scores do get into super selective schools if they bring something more to the table and it’s something that the school wants to have.</p>
<p>Don’t get cocky–more and more people are getting rejected by schools that in the past would have been a slam dunk. Build a good foundation of match and safety schools and then reach for the super selective school without having to worry if you are rejected.</p>
<p>I guess I’m just really sensitive. Unbeknownst to me, last year sometime when I wasn’t around, my mom was at my house and she cornered my son and said she’d be <em>very</em> disappointed if he didn’t go to Princeton at 16! Huh?! I had a talk with her but she is, well, not always rational. So, I suppose I can just tell my son to ignor what others’ think and say and move forward with thick skin. Ironically, my dad (my parents are long time separated) thinks it’s better not to go to a selective college. He graduated high school at 15, got a masters from U of Colorado at Boulder, was working on his PhD but then got his dream job as a systems engineer for Kitt Peak in the 1960s. He feels kids can be happy at lots of schools. He is probably my kids’ biggest supporter; I have one rational relative. :-)</p>
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Oh, how nice of her to offer to pay the full COA! <snark></snark></p>
<p>The opposite happened with me. My whole extended family kept congratulating me for admission to schools I knew I was going to get into. They were being nice, and I know they do have a high opinion of one of them. I think it’s best if everyone that doesn’t need to know the details of college admission can remain ignorant of it. Less judgement, more love.</p>
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Tell your mother to please leave college topics alone unless your son brings them up, and invite your father to talk more to him about happiness in life.</p>
<p>Good luck to your son.</p>
<p>After one really unpleasant experience, I made college discussions off limits to my family. I even sent my mother to the library and made her check out a couple of current books about college admissions and costs.</p>
<p>I was very firm – and that was that. No discussions at all.</p>
<p>It wouldn’t hurt to have a discussion at home about how admissions have changed over the years. </p>
<p>Some of the relatives who have high expectations have not personally encountered the admissions process in decades. Others may never have encountered it. They’re simply not well informed, and they may have misconceptions.</p>
<p>this can be especially frustrating especially if one or both of the parents attended an Ivy League school and the grandparent(s) now take it for granted that the grandchildren will also…I think you have to manage grandma’s expectations a little bit- which may include explaining to her how the admissions game has changed, and also how your S/D may not be the same type of student as his/her parents; etc.</p>
<p>but more importantly, make sure your S/D knows that you don’t care about the prestige of the school and that you will support them in the process to find the school that fits them best academically, socially and financially. It may also help to debunk the myth that an Ivy League education is “better”</p>
<p>When D applied, everyone was involved with every step…big mistake. Too much pressure and too many people asking if she got into X, Y, and Z…and of course when the answer was no, the whole disappointment was relived over and over with every person. Even though she got into a great school and is so happy there, she couldn’t even think of herself at another school, at the time people seem to focus on where she didn’t get in, not be excited about where she did. </p>
<p>A few years down the road, we decided S didn’t have to share with the world every college he was applying to. When asked, he said he wasn’t sure yet, still thinking, mentioned a few very good schools that he thought were a good match and were even with each other. In the mean time he applied to his top choice, ivy ED without getting the world involved. Luckily he got in and shocked everyone with his FB status update. But, if he didn’t get in, it wouldn’t have been as big a deal. He would only have to deal with his reaction not everyone else’s and not over and over. </p>
<p>If family is too involved and putting too much pressure on S just keep them more out of it. You have the right to do that.</p>
<p>Years ago, newlywed friends of ours were constantly asked about starting a family by good intentioned little 'ole ladies in their close-knit community. Their response was, “not quite yet, but we’re practicing a lot!”</p>
<p>I wish there was a similar tongue-in-cheek “mind your own business” response to college applications/admissions. It has been a grueling year with wildly oscillating expectations, self-protection, and marathon waiting. I gave my mom books to read, which helped. H’s parents kept asking D when she was going to move up to #1 in class (from #2). Classmates asked over and over when she would pick her college - long before decisions. 99% stay in-state so when quizzed over applications, she tried to be vague but always responded that she wouldn’t know until April. The same kids asked over and over, though.</p>
<p>It’s probably best to educate yourselves and let other’s comments roll off as best you can. Knowledge is power and also maybe insulation. Good luck!</p>
<p>SAT/ACT scores, grades, GPA, honor roll etc, all off limits to people outside of your house, a personal matter not to be discussed! For people who ask about this info, the college search or etc, you just tell them that: “I am sorry this is a personal family matter and we do not discuss it outside of our home.” We used this over & over again and it worked, even with prying relatives, they finally got the message. </p>
<p>For one persistent person, I finally told her that “Asking these questions is like asking what our annual income is, please stop asking about Junior’s college search.” It worked. </p>
<p>Make sure Junior does not share his class rank, test scores, grades, with classmates. Keep all this info a private family matter!</p>
<p>When people make comments implying they think your kid is <em>sure</em> to be accepted to the most selective schools, you could take it as the compliment that it is. They clearly think your kid is smart and talented and promising. Their lack of knowledge of the college admissions process isn’t to be held against them. Every teen who can sing has probably had friends say “You should be on Broadway!” or “You should be on American Idol!” They don’t feel the need to argue about the odds of success in either of those endeavors. They just say “Thanks!”</p>
<p>Here’s one possible answer: “Thanks for your vote of confidence. We certainly hope he is accepted to the schools he is applying to, but these days, even if he’s one in a million, that means there are two other college-bound seniors just like him! Not to mention all the kids from abroad. So we’ll be keeping our fingers crossed, and I’m sure he’ll end up somewhere that suits him.”</p>
<p>I think this calls for the “smile and nod” approach most of the time. Then, when you are alone with your kid, say, “Wow, people are clueless, aren’t they? There’s really no point in explaining your strategy to them.”</p>
<p>I actually think there is a life lesson in this process - learning to just roll with it…having said that, it is easier to roll if you</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Keep everything private - test scores, grades, etc.</p></li>
<li><p>Teach your S to give vague answers to inquisitive people</p></li>
<li><p>educate the inquisitive with a short soundbyte - something like - who knows where he will end up, college admissions doesn’t work like it use to. He could have perfect grades and perfect test scores and still not get in to his top choice…and you know, it is realy about fit. Where he feels most comfortable. So, we will keep you posted…I think some peple are surprised at how much admissions have changed and how crazy and nonsensical it can be. I had a couple of people that just wouldn’t let up so I just rambled on and on with these people about something silly I learned in a college visit until they glazed over - after a few times they hesitated to mention it again for fear that I would bore them to death.</p></li>
<li><p>Most people are just interested and realy don’t mean any harm. I find the older generation and people that don’t have college age kids tend to have strong opinions but they really have no idea what they are talking about because things have changed so dramatically over the past 10 years. But once you educate them, they seem to back off.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Yes, a good ‘one liner’ would be helpful to have.<br>
One ‘friend’, the same one who has constantly asked why our kids weren’t in private school all along, is the same with the pressure and questions to our kids. Finally I said, with a smile on my face, “Just as important as he is next year is where he is ten years from now” (His kids all went private and then to top colleges, but only one of the four is ‘hugely successful’) ‘Friend’ seemed to get my point.</p>
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<p>Exactly. Why let it get under your skin?</p>
<p>My answer is always the same. Kid will got where he/she likes. I actually was advised to tell my D. to withdraw because this particular school is very expensive and city is very expansive to live in. My answer was as I mentioned, she will decide because she deserves to go where wants.</p>
<p>Oh, yeah! My parents are making me crazy already regarding D2’s college search (she is a hs sophomore). Will have fabulous test scores, but about a 3.6 GPA. Her ECs are good, but not much leadership (she is quite shy). And she is not sure she wants a really high pressure college. She does know what she wants to study, and we have a list of about 20 colleges to consider; mostly LACs (one Ivy as very much a reach on the list).</p>
<p>So when I went to college, my parents insisted that I attend the state flagship (a very good one) when I brought up the topic of applying to Ivy league schools to them. I think, honestly, my dad did not want to pay the cost, especially for a girl… So I attended the state flagship (as they did before me).</p>
<p>Now… they are all over the idea that D2 should attend an Ivy. My mom has Princeton in her head. They bring it up EVERY time we talk. I talked to my mom last night, and mentioned that I have to pick D up from a camp in Illinois this summer, and thought we might drive over to Kenyon for a visit (where my mom’s dad actually attended). “Why are you looking at KENYON?”, she exclaimed in disgust.</p>
<p>I told her that (1) D isn’t sure she wants a really high pressure college, and (2) that I wasn’t sure I wanted to pay full freight for a more expensive college, so we were casting our net fairly widely at matches and safeties to find a potential good fit with merit aid. This did calm her down a bit, as I knew the money argument would. Honestly, I may pay for D to attend a higher ranking LAC if she gets in. But we want to have some good choices. I am sure we have a long 2 years ahead of us on this topic… sigh.</p>