How do you split meal costs when dining out?

Parent Cafe
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<p>When you have visitors in town, how do you split the meal costs and why?</p>

<p>In my case, the visitor is my mother and father in law. They do not like to eat dinner at our house because part of traveling on vacation is eating out. My mother in law likes to pick the restaurant without input from anyone else (she likes fine Italian restaurants with $$$$ prices), and does not want to discuss meal costs in advance (we might decide not to go). Then when the check comes, she announces that everyone else is responsible for their own meal cost.</p>

<p>Had we declined to go out, they would have gone out on their own and been miffed that we weren’t interested in spending time with them when they came to see us. Had we tried to work out meal costs in advance, she would have been annoyed that we were so petty. </p>

<p>I am incorrect to see a few different problems with this situation?</p>

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<p>If they are that inconsiderate, why on earth would you care if they are miffed? In fact, it seems to me that the best thing you could do is let them go out alone and be miffed as a form of negative reinforcement.
If they are staying with you, they should take you out at least once on their dime.
Otherwise, when going out with other adults, you have the choice to split the check, pay for what you eat, or alternate who pays.</p>

<p>If you earn your money, you should feel free to put your foot down and set ground rules you can live with.</p>

3

<p>First comment … IMO your spouse needs to step to the plate here … it is their parents who are creating the tension so s/he should address the problem.</p>

<p>Second comment … IMO your spouse needs to talk to the rents and explain the conflict … and offer options … we stay home and cook, we stay home and get take out, we all agree on a (reasonably priced) restaurant and split the bill, or you two head out on your own to an expensive restaurant. Hopefully, this is more a misunderstanding than a true impasse.</p>

<p>For my family and my ILs this luckily has never been issue … at the meal Mom3ToGo and I offer to help pay and the rents wave us off. Both sets of parents are pretty reasonable about almost everything (so far).</p>

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<p>Agree with comment #3 ^^^</p>

<p>Another option is for them to go out on their own (wherever) & perhaps you could join them for coffee & dessert, so as not to break your budget.</p>

<p>For our family, we often have large meals together. We just add up the number of people who are paying (we generally exclude the guests of honor & my parents in that count), divide that number into the total cost of the meal including tax & tip. We often count kids under 12 as 1/2. It has worked out pretty well, as no one orders drinks or increases the cost of the banquet.</p>

<p>If we go to places where they will provide separate checks, we ask for them when we sit to eat, so the wait help know who is on which check. When I’m with others, we sometimes just alternate who picks up the tab, or sometimes put in both our credit cards & ask that it be split equally.</p>

5

<p>My inlaws expect us to pay for everything, including thier meals and airfare to visit us! My mom (widow on a tight budget) always insisted on treating us. I finally convinced her to let me treat her because it would make me happy.<br>
engineer - I agree that your hubby should be in charge of an honest discussion with his folks.</p>

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<p>Whoever “invites” you out to dinner should pay. Your inlaws are nuts.</p>

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<p>As others have said, your spouse needs to have a talk with your in laws. Also, since you know your in-laws pick $$$$ restaurants just tell them you cannot afford to eat there. If they get mad, too bad. </p>

<p>My in laws never let us pick up the check but we don’t see them very often. My parents, OTOH, come and can stay one week to three weeks once or twice a year. They usually treat us a few times, we treat at least once, and a few times we just split the bill down the middle - even if son is home and we are one more person. I also do not ask them to buy groceries but once or twice my mom will want to make dinner for us and will go to the market and buy whatever she needs.</p>

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<p>If someone is a guest in my house at mealtime, I am responsible for feeding them–at home. (But if I am a guest in someone else’s house and I’m staying for more than 2-3 meals, I will offer to take them out to eat at my expense at least once, or alternatively, offer to cook something that I pick up). If a guest in my house invites me out to dinner, I become their guest for that meal, and they should pay. If I invite a guest in my house to go out to dinner with me, I should pay. If I am sitting around chatting with my guest and conversation turns to a fun/interesting restaurant that we would enjoy together, and we jointly decide to go there, we split the cost.</p>

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<p>Mention your budget, and that you can only go out for 2 meals, or whatever makes sense. Invite them to eat with you for the other meals. They can go out alone, if they prefer, though yes, it is awkward, as is being held hostage in this manner. </p>

<p>Conversely, go but keep within your budget by ordering only an appetizer or soup and dinner salad. Most of us don’t need the volume of food in many restaurant meals. I grew up only being allowed to get soup and a dinner salad, with water, for most meals out. For years as student and adult I kept up the practice. It is about the right volume of food, however, does get dreary when there are more fun options out there!</p>

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If the OP’s in-laws are as clueless to others as has been described they will split the bill down the middle and the OP will end up paying towards their in-laws elaborate menu selection despite their own efforts to stay within a budget.</p>

<p>I agree with much of what has been said here. Your spouse needs to have a chat with your in-laws. Explain that you love your visits with them but you are conservative with your budget and just don’t eat out often. You cook nice meals at home, would love suggestions for things they enjoy and would love for them to join you. You can go out once (or twice) during your visit and have a couple of restaurants you’d love to try, you’ll let them pick (from the list where prices are in your comfort zone).</p>

<p>Every family has different dynamics as seen from the responses above. My in-laws sometimes pick up the bill, sometimes we split it. We always treat my mom…she’s single, and there are five of us, one of her.</p>

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<p>You have interesting IL’s engineer4life. You and your spouse need to get on the same page.</p>

<p>My H would refuse to go to dinner with them. He’s not a bad guy, just hates paying a bunch of money eating out and it’s not something he would be comfortable with. He would be nice but he doesn’t really care if they are offended or not.</p>

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<p>

Is part of traveling on vacation also staying at a hotel? For your sake, I hope so. Do I understand correctly that they pay the cost of their own meal at the restaurant, and your objection is to the pricey restaurants they choose? Or do they also expect you to pay for their meals?</p>

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<p>They are willing to pay the cost of their own meals. My objection is the fact that someone comes to our house, tells us they are uninterested in eating at our house, and demand that we go out with them and pay for our own meal.</p>

<p>I try to go out to eat about once per month. The last time they were here, we went out three times in one weekend (Friday, Saturay, Sunday). Then when we added museum admission fees, aquarium/zoo admission fees, and gas to drive everyone around, we spent a lot in having family over. </p>

<p>I think that, more than anything, I dislike that my mother in law decides when and where we should spend our money. Whether we spend it on our meals/admission/gas or hers is irrelevant, we are spending our money at her terms and conditions, and that needs to stop.</p>

<p>Yes, my wife and I need to be on the same page. I am working on that.</p>

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<p>That expressed disinterest in eating in someone’s house wouldn’t fly at all in my immediate/extended family nor would it fly in most families I know of. That alone would mark off that individual as an uncultivated boor with no manners which’ll result in no more invites and with some older relatives…a bad impression which could last for decades. </p>

<p>Adding the chutzpah of demanding someone go out to eat at expensive places without prior consultation…I’d stop associating with them…even if it is family and I could afford those places comfortably. </p>

<p>Here’s the etiquette rules I’ve grown up with. </p>

<p>If someone invites you to stay in their home…you should appreciate the hospitality, offer to help with chores and do so if it is accepted…especially if you’re a child/adolescent/young adult, eat what is offered with appreciation & without complaint, and otherwise minimize the burden you place on the host. </p>

<p>If you’re the one offering the hospitality to a guest, make the guests comfortable, accommodate their tastes…including allergies beforehand, and if guests offer to help with chores…appreciate the offer…but refuse it on the grounds that they’re the guests and should be enjoying the hospitality. </p>

<p>The last part is a common practice within my extended family as most, especially the older relatives consider it poor manners on the part of the host to have guests help with chores even if they offered to help. It’s even worse manners for the host to ask for help with chores unless they are elderly and/or disabled.* </p>

<p>If you invite someone else out to eat…especially at an expensive place, you should always assume you are treating your guests unless they’re extremely adamant in their refusal. If someone invites you out to eat, it’s reasonable to assume they’re picking up the tab unless it is stated otherwise beforehand. Onus is on the one doing the inviting if there are any misunderstandings. </p>

<ul>
<li>A reason when I was a guest at a friend’s birthday party being hosted by another friend whom I haven’t met previously earlier this year…I was briefly taken aback when the host asked me and the birthday man to stay afterwards to help with the cleanup. While we both helped without complaint…that experience was odd. Especially considering my lack of prior relationship with the host beforehand, the fact he asked the birthday man as well, and said host was also a fellow 30something.</li>
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<p>I think a lot depends on what those folks mean to accomplish with respect to their daughter when they come to town. If they live dull and stay-at-home in their home community, and this is their one annual shot at “a vacation” in a different town, they might imagine they’re just trying to include their daughter for good times/museums/interesting things. Maybe they feel like she doesn’t get out enough, which doesn’t even have to be true. They can just invent that in their minds. </p>

<p>In other words: are they selfish or do they think they’re doing a favor for your wife?</p>

<p>They might even believe their restaurant plans keep her from “having” to cook to lighten her load. They enjoy seeing her relax during their visit, rather than prepare and serve food.</p>

<p>But, IMO, if they want ALL that (a personal vacation and the chance to see their daughter relax and have outdoor fun), they should treat her! and you! because you go with her.</p>

<p>If they’re not dull-living in their own home, but have a jazzy restaurant lifestyle year-round and you two do not, then they’re being overbearing. Your wife could ask them to just relax together with you at home, as it’s more like your lifestyle and she’s happier that way. If they can’t see that, or find that dull, just wave them off to go to their own vacation meals and museums with a smile. Let them do their thing in your town, but leave you two out of it. </p>

<p>I hope they bring a whopping big housewarming present upon arrival.</p>

<p>There are some compromises here: agree to 2 nights of take-out food to eat at home. Each of you chooses one restaurant, goes to fetch (and pay for) the food. You go first and establish that you’ve paid for all. Then when it’s their turn, and they chose $$$ restaurant, they have NO BASIS to ask you for any money as they leave to fetch the food. If they try, remind them “it’s your turn tonight; we treated 2 nights ago.”
With luck, the leftovers from those 2 meals will make meal #3.</p>

<p>Another compromise is to plan some home-based day activity, and invite them. It could be a jigsaw puzzle, or if there are kids at home, a lawn game. Stand firm and say that’s what “we’re” doing today/tonight. If they want to run off to a museum or zoo instead, wish them well. If they want to take grandkids, let them but you stay home.</p>

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<p>Hmm, This is difficult to deal with depending on the wife and in-laws personalities. THey can be completely clueless, you can be terrible cooks, they might think you do not care/mind, have plenty of disposable money. etc. Who knows. THat is why I am so direct with what I want/to do. It may not always end pleasently but oh well. Your wife should probably be the one to bring it up. Why can’t you just say," I don’t want to go ?" and let the chips fall where they may. If you always split the check according to what you got then just either suck it up and get the cheapest thing or don’t go. Or tell her, " you picked the last meal, let’s go somewhere else tonight."
If I was visiting family I would stay at a hotel for the specific reason of going to eat where I want . lol. I might eat over once, if invited, and I would invite the family I was visiting out to eat with me. I would not show up and tell them we were going to the most expeinsive establishment around and excpect them to pay for it or throw a tantrum when they objected to going.</p>

<p>How often do they visit you? Do you ever go visit them, what happens then?</p>

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<p>Still haven’t searched how to quote yet but I completely agree with zoosermom</p>

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<p>I think these situations are one of those hard things you deal with in a marriage. Family dynamics are so that each person in the marriage deals with things from how they were raised. </p>

<p>Your wife goes along with these things because that is how she was raised. She’s probably learned that you go along with everything her mother says because that’s the way it’s always been. She probably doesn’t even think that you could or would protest.</p>

<p>For instance I have a BIL who has done very well for himself. If my IL’s go with them for dinner they will pay for themselves or they will pick up the check. His wife’s parents never pay for anything, in fact it seems like they create situations for my BIL to pick up the check. Even though they are not poor, they have figured out how to get my BIL to pick up some of their daily expenses. My IL’s never would think of having their son pick up any of their expenses. My SIL doesn’t think anything of this. It’s just the way things have always been. </p>

<p>It’s just like vacationing styles. My parents love to sight see. They love to go to historical sites and tour. They love to eat out on vacation and go, go, go. My H’s vacations as a kid were to go to the beach or skiing. He went to the same place year after year. We never went to the same place. My H would sit on the beach, work out, grill and never go out to eat. He hates sightseeing and esp hates historical sites. This is the vacation he likes to do. It took us a very long time to mesh our expectations of vacation. Honestly what happened is that I gave in to his style of vacationing. It was easier. The problem is that I don’t think that cooking, cleaning and doing laundry is a vacation from my daily routine but I put up with it for a week as the rest of the family loves it.</p>

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<p>just add some brackets and some words … </p>

<p>[ quote]Still haven’t searched how to quote yet but I completely agree with zoosermom [ /quote]</p>

<p>but leave out the space after the first bracket at the beginning and end and you get this </p>

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<p>Yes, the wife needs to address the issue, but she needs to address it BEFORE the inlaws make plans to come again. And, it needs to be restated when plans are made to visit, and restated again shortly before arrival (in-laws sometimes have short memories…lol).</p>

<p>You and your wife need to come up with a budget for how much your family will spend on meals out/tours for each of the in-laws’ visits… If the budget is $100, then it’s a $100 and that’s what the in-laws are told. </p>

<p>One thing I’ve noticed is that some in-laws don’t seem to understand is that spending time with them isn’t YOUR vacation. YOUR family has vacation plans of its own so money is budgeted for THAT, and not budgeted to visit pricey places in your own hometown (which aren’t a big deal for YOU.)</p>

<p>Older parents can become very controlling and self-serving. Their view of the world can revolve around them. It’s time to put your foot down…but do it AHEAD of time…do it before they plan their next visit! Otherwise, MIL will complain that “if I had known you weren’t going to go with us, we wouldn’t have come!” </p>

<p>When we first moved to another state and family began visiting, there was no way we were going to keep re-visiting the same “tourist traps”…too pricey and too boring. Our guests would go on their own, and we’d have dinner ready for them when they returned. If they wanted to “treat” us for dinner as a thank-you for staying in our home, then great.</p>