How do you to talk to son's friend who stole from us?

Parent Cafe
21

<p>I would:</p>

<p>Sit down and speak with him, tell him just how I was affected by what he did. I would explain the fear, the suspicions cast on other innocent people, the loss of sleep, the illnesses and doctor visits. </p>

<p>I would tell him I expected him to tell me EXACTLY what all he stole, item for item.</p>

<p>I would tell him I expected full repayment over the next 1-2 years.</p>

<p>I would tell him that if it ever happened again or happened to someone else I would go straight to the police. He gets a second chance, but not a third.</p>

<p>i would ask him point blank if he had a drug or alcohol problem.</p>

<p>I would tell him that he is currently not welcome in my home until which time i can wrap my head around what he did to me and my family and my peace of mind.</p>

<p>I would ask for any keys he has back. I would change any key codes or other access to the home.</p>

22

<p>I am so sorry this happened to you, limabeans. The violation of trust is probably one of the biggest wounds, and takes some time to heal. I agree that your home is your sanctuary, and if he has a key, its time to get it back. You don’t have to decide now if you are ready to bar him from our home for good. Our son perhaps has some feelings about what his friend did to his friendship and the family dynamic, since this young man was treated like a family member. Hang in there!</p>

23

<p>Thanks everyone for such good ideas about this situation.</p>

<p>A few points to be made:

  • This kid didn’t tell me he stole the items. He gave my son the items he hadn’t sold/pawned yet as he sat outside our house in his car. He also gave whatever cash he had ($43). I asked my son to find out if he took the GPS, so he went outside and asked. The answer was, yes but it was sold.
  • He doesn’t have a key.
  • I don’t know his parents at all and given his age, I think they should stay out of this.
  • I told my mom, who lives with me, the cleaning lady didn’t do it. She’s still suspicious because I didn’t elaborate.
  • I think this kid has a drinking problem. DS swears he doesn’t do drugs. He also doesn’t have much of a job. He’s a part time envelope-stuffer.
  • I’m so torn about this. This kid has been my son’s “only” friend who hasn’t dismissed him after all these years. My son has Asperger’s and has a very hard time finding friends who he can relate to. My son isn’t dishonest like this at all. Sadly, my son loses out; he hasn’t been back.
  • We’re going to make him pay us back.
  • My husband thinks this kid “made a mistake” and deserves a second chance. I just want to tell him the angst he put us through.
  • My biggest fear is that he stole other things we haven’t discovered are missing yet.</p>
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<p>I have autism so I can understand how difficult it would be if the “one” good friend that sticks around did something like this, I have that friend, too-- and her troubled younger brother has stolen from us and it’s caused problems. I can assure you that friends who are not trustworthy are more damage than they are worth even under the circumstances, in fact I think especially under the circumstances. Knowing the relationship this kid had with your family and that he was still willing to take advantage of your trust, do you think he is immune to the impulse to take advantage of your son? Especially if you think he has a drinking problem? I hate to have to even go there, but unfortunately things like that happen to kids like me and your S.</p>

<p>My parents would have called the police no matter who it was, and we did when we had a similar situation. The fact that you chose to handle this yourselves, I think, is as much kindness as the guy deserves and was very generous of you. At this point if you think it would help you feel better about it to confront him and explain what he put you through, I would do it. I would then not allow him to come back unless I was sure he straightened out, if he has any shame he won’t be able to show his face in your home anymore anyway. If I were your S I would be very upset about all this, but I would just be disappointed that something like this had to happen, it’s not your fault that you feel victimized by this.</p>

25

<p>“Turns out, after we had to replaced the GPS and video game controllers, our minor criminal fessed up.” </p>

<p>If the kid had not been honest, he’d still be hanging out like old times. I give him credit for being honest. Not sure the best path here, but I’d say more leniency than if you’d nailed him instead fo confession.</p>

<p>And I am glad that you are now relieved of the stress about not knowing. For a lighthearted sidebar… here’s a story from my early days dating DH. He took me home from college to visit his family. After that, whenever their absent minded cleaning lady was asked about missing items (my MIL was blind), the reply would be…"things have been missing since THAT GIRL was here). Years later they’d kid me with that line ;)</p>

26

<p>You know the kid and your son the best. </p>

<p>This problem isn’t just going to fix itself.</p>

<p>At some point, a conversation needs to happen. It seems like you’re eager to have this conversation so the kid can understand what he put you through. This seems totally reasonable. After you’ve talked to him you’ll have a much better “feel” for what’s going on. Ask him why he did it, why he thought it was OK, what he learned from it, what he thinks you should do next, etc. His behavior during your conversation, his mood, his answers–those should speak volumes. </p>

<p>Was he in a financial bind and made a stupid decision, stealing electronics that were valuable to you? Assuming he’s aware of the consequences of his actions, and his financial bind wasn’t illicit in nature, I’d let him stick around. No reason to forcibly take your son’s best buddy away for what really might be a one-time slip up. </p>

<p>Then again, if your son’s no longer interested in being friends with him, or you get the impression from your conversation that the kid might do it again or doesn’t seem sincerely sorry for what happened, I wouldn’t have him over again. Or if I did decide to have him over again, set some very clear boundaries.</p>

<p>I would bet that the kid is horribly mortified, embarrassed, and afraid he’s going to lose you and your family–perhaps these feelings have caused him to clam up instead of offer an apology to you or your son. My family’s been your family in situations sort of like these–the long term best friend majorly screws up, and my family doesn’t know how to react. Usually the problem was solved through a series of conversations between mom and my sibling, my sibling and the friend in question, and occasionally the other parents.</p>

27

<p>This is a bit different, but it has to do with trust so I think it’s a valid point to share.</p>

<p>My son had a very good friend who was at our house for many years. We took him on vacation for many years. He spent a lot of time with us. Our house was a different kind of chaos…he would laugh and say although loud with lots going on, no one was ankle high, needed to be fed, or needed a diaper changed. He was the oldest of a very large family. He would say this with a smile, but you could see the underlying bitterness.</p>

<p>When he was a Sr. he stayed the weekend with us. Regular rules. My DH happened to be out of town. Something just wasn’t right, he was out late that night, wasn’t where he said he was going to be, and had snuck into his house with his gf when he wasn’t supposed to be there. I was very upset that he had taken advantage of me and violated my trust. I talked to him and told him he had three days to talk to his mom at which point I would call and ask if he has spoken to her. He had.</p>

<p>Fast forward a few months and the gf was pregnant, dropped out of hs, kicked out of her house. He moved out the week after he graduated hs. They were welcome in our home, and still are, however the violation of trust is no longer a factor as we don’t open ourselves up to the opportunity. During the stressful year our home was the one place they could come and just be a kid…not be judged. We had the luxury of that because they weren’t our kids. The door is always open, as is the fridge. When money is tight and utilities are being cut off (which is often) there is a hot meal. Sadly, they drive right by the parents house to get to ours. He is working on building trust there. It may take a long time.</p>

<p>I guess my point is, accountability to your family is absolutely necessary. I don’t know that telling your mom is. Honestly, your mom should respect YOU enough as an adult when you tell her “Mom, I’ve taken care of it. It was not Jane and I don’t want you to worry about it any more. I love you for being concerned because I was so upset, but I’ve resolved it and am really at peace.” That’s all you should have to say. Your son doesn’t need to hear one negative word about his friend. I’m sure he already feels terrible about this as it is.</p>

<p>I would talk to the young man, with your DH as he stole items from both of you. If your son can bare it, he should be there as well. This boy needs to understand the gravity of what he has done and the number of people he has affected. From there I would ask that he speak to his parents in a given number of days after which you will follow up. You do not want to tattle, so you are showing him the respect of giving him the chance to be honest with them as well. I would ask that he offer restitution. This may have to be in the form of yard work, on payment, but this doesn’t go away.</p>

<p>From there, depending on his attitude and level of sincerity I would forgive him to set an example for your son and this young man. Let him in your home, supervised as you see fit. This may be the greatest lesson, and gift, you can offer him.</p>

28

<p>If the friend has an issue related to drugs or gambling, the problem - or a similar problem - will re-occur if he doesn’t get some outside help. How awful that he has stolen from you multiple times.</p>

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<p>I have read all of the posts and I like blue iguana’s advice.</p>

29

<p>I wonder if this young man has stolen from other places, too. I also wonder if whatever impulse caused him to steal from you might be causing him to consider or do thievery elswhere in the future. I think I agree with Blueiguana’s approach; you might be helping him to turn from a truly dangerous path by confronting him. </p>

<p>He may need help knowing to access food stamps and other aid designed to provide food and rent in these difficult economic times. I think the fact that he confessed to your son and has been too embarassed to come back yet show he knows right from wrong. I think he is waiting for your next move or will disappear from your lives and possibly get into bad trouble - he needs to be called on the carpet now. Acting out of love instead of fear is worth at least a try.</p>