<p>For the last four or five weeks, we have noticed things “missing”. The first was our GPS. DH had just brought it back from a business trip and needed it again when he was visiting DS at college. We both accused each other of leaving in a car and not locking the door. </p>
<p>We had a new cleaning lady then too, so naturally, we were suspicious of her too. Then, at Thanksgiving, college kids come home and discovered a huge number of treasured video games are missing. DS stayed up all night, inventorying what we had and what was missing. Another thought was that since we live near our town’s HS, maybe kids were stealing the games on their way home from school.</p>
<p>The worst was my reaction to this added stress. How many sleepless nights followed? It started ganging up on my body: cold sores that I never get, mildly dry skin evolved into critical excema issues resulting in two different doctor visits. Crazy blood sugar levels because I was on prednizone. Did I have to get rid of the new cleaning lady? Was it the neighborhood kids? </p>
<p>Turns out, after we had to replaced the GPS and video game controllers, our minor criminal fessed up. It was my oldest son’s friend, (the kid who is always here, the kid we never suspected, the kid I include in at least one dinner each weekend, the kid who I try to help find a job now that he graduated from college) who pawned these items “for a few bucks”. Apparently he was feeling guilty. Luckily, I didn’t fire my cleaning lady, but my mom is totally suspicious of her now, but I can’t tell my mom who it really was. </p>
<p>He stole at least $400 worth of stuff (of what we discovered missing so far). Should i feel sorry for him, like my husband says? I just want to tell him what it feels like to be victimized. What would you do?</p>
<p>Note about stress issues: this wasn’t the only stress factor I was dealing with and clearly I need to get that sorted out. I know. Thanks for your concern.</p>
<p>You treated him like one of your own. What would you do if your own child had stolen from you? Does this kid have a drug problem? I would feel violated by someone I trusted. I’m glad he came forward, but he would have to rebuild trust with me. I don’t think of him as a “minor criminal,” and as post-college, he’s certainly old enough to know better.</p>
<p>When I was in HS, a neighbor girl, 14, and two druggie boys, classmates of mine, broke into our house and stole various items, including a gun. We learned who it was very quickly thanks to a nosy neighbor. The girl’s father had died in the past year, and the newly single mom was struggling to keep it all together. The girl had fallen in with the wrong kids. My dad assembled the kids and the girl’s mom and had a big talk. He got all the items back, except for the CB radio, which they already had pawned. He didn’t want to go to the police. I remember this so well because the night of the powwow, with those kids sitting in our dining room, was the Valentine’s dance, and here I was in my formal with my boyfriend heading out the door. I’ll never forget how compassionate my dad was toward the mom and her daughter. He didn’t want to get her in trouble so he didn’t turn in the boys. </p>
<p>But this was a 14yo girl undergoing a major loss in her life who was having trouble finding her way. What was your ds’s friend’s excuse?</p>
<p>I’d have him retrieve the items from the pawn shop if possible (on his dime) or pay me back for the value of the items and I’d not allow him in the house again. I know he’s your S’s friend (or was?) but he’s not trustworthy and you’ll never be able to trust him again - neither will your S. Maybe you can suggest to him that he seek counseling since there are obviously some issue with him to steal these items in the first place although it’d be up to him to decide whether to actually do so or not. </p>
<p>You should also tell your mom that you know for certain the cleaning lady didn’t steal these items.</p>
<p>lima- He would be banned from my house.
He purposefully broke the trust you had in him and caused you to suspect an innocent person of theft- all for a few bucks at the pawn shop.
He is also an adult, not a 10 year old child, that repeatedly stole from you.
My relationship with him would be done.
Your son has to decide if he can continue to be friends with a liar and thief.</p>
<p>This kid needs to hear about what this did to you physically and mentally. It sounds like something he can learn from. If he responds with appropriate emotion and compassion, more conversation needs to ensue as to why he EVER thought he could or should steal from you or anyone else. If is is dispassionate, well, you’ve learned something about his character, and I’d not allow him in the house again. Regardless, he has lost your trust, and I’d not allow him there unsupervised.</p>
<p>I would also tell your mom the full story about the actual thief, too.
I feel sorry for the cleaning lady who had the cloud of suspicion over her for nothing she did wrong.</p>
<p>Before I’d ban him from my house and my life forever, I’d have a one-on-one with him – maybe in the diner – and find out what’s really going on. Maybe you can help him. Maybe he’s beyond help. But given your and your son’s relationship with him, I’d certainly give it the old college try. He needs help, for some reason unknown to us at this time.</p>
<p>Youdon’tsay suggests a drug problem may be at the root of the stealing, and I concur. I’ve had parents & friends lose jewelry to children and children’s friends. </p>
<p>I also encourage anyone who takes pain meds to buy a small locked safe and hide the key. Best to remove any temptation.</p>
<p>There is no reason to treat this man with kid gloves. He is an adult and to heck with his precious self esteem. Therefore, tell him how awful this situation was and tell him that he needs to pay you back immediately, or get the stuff back immediately, or you will call the police. You don’t have to tell his parents if you don’t want to. He is on his own. But I agree with others that you should tell your mom so that she will not be suspicious of the cleaning lady. It was not her fault at all, and she probably needs the job.</p>
<p>Your home is your sanctuary, it is suppose to be your safe place. This person is not your kid or your family. I would meet him outside of your home, let him know the effect of his actions, and I would NEVER allow him back in your home again. I wouldn’t even bother with getting the stuff back. Because he told you the truth, I may not call the police on him.</p>
<p>I agree with all of the above posts. You need to draw a hard line here, no matter how painful. You have no idea what you may be saving in terms of HIS future. And by all means, his parents should be told and your mother as well. He does not need to be protected, nor will you be doing him a favor by protecting him. Good luck. Take care of yourself.</p>
<p>Regardless of whether you decide to let him in your house or not, tell your mom immediately. For two reasons:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>It is completely unfair for the innocent cleaning person to be under a cloud of suspicion. What if your mom thinks something is missing and fires her? It will be much harder to sort out then. Or what if your mom tells her friends – or one of her friends wants to hire a cleaner, and your mom doesn’t recommend this person because of this incorrect suspicion?</p></li>
<li><p>What if your son brings this friend to your mom’s house? And he steals (or has already stolen) from her?</p></li>
</ul>
<p>You owe this kid NOTHING in terms of protection from his own criminal actions. And you certainly should protect innocent parties like your mom and the cleaning lady. </p>
<p>Remember in Pride & Prejudice when Lizzie and Jane decide not to reveal Wickham’s true character, and he takes advantage of their sister? Like them, you will feel very guilty if more damage is caused by this situation, and you could have avoided it by letting people know and protecting you and your family from him.</p>
<p>There is NO WAY that I could trust this young man again. He would not be welcome in my home again. Period. I would hope that my son would also cut ties with that friendship. Just my opinion but you know the old saying “screw me once…”.</p>
<p>Also, although he may have been close to the family, he still is not family.</p>
<p>I’m not sure I would cut this kid completely out of your lives. He’s been an important person to your family for a long time. But that fact does make the betrayal that much worse.</p>
<p>I suggest:
You and your DH and your son sit down with this young man and tell him the stress he has caused you and how the innocent cleaning lady nearly took the blame. Show him a list of what he took and the value, and inform him that you expect to be paid back - and relatively quickly. Agree on a date, or a payment plan. IF he doesn’t meet the expected date or payment plan, inform the police.</p>
<p>2) The young man and you together need to tell his parents the truth. This guy needs help.</p>
<p>3) After that, see how things fall out. This young man may be able to make reparations, learn from his error, and go on to be a wonderful person. Or maybe not. If the parents cut off ties or react defensively, so be it. You’ve done what you can. Meanwhile, I doubt he’ll want to hang out at your house for a long time, it would be way too uncomfortable.</p>
<p>The fact that he was feeling guilty is a good sign, imo. He’s not a lost cause. I agree with the others, though, that he should pay you back for everything, and it will take a long time to rebuild trust. I hope he’s up to the task. Good luck.</p>
<p>Lima- are you sure you shouldn’t tell his parents? I know he is a young adult, not a kid, but perhaps you aren’t the only ones he has stolen from. It might not be enough to simply get him to pay you back, you may need to alert them that they should be looking for other peoples’ items in their house, also.</p>
<p>And if this “kid” does have a problem, I sure think the parents need a chance know what is up and to intervene with him. I would be really upset if my son was desperate/dumb enough to steal from good friends, and I was left out of the loop. Maybe you give him the ultimatum to tell his parents by ____day, and if he doesn’t, you will. Just my two cents.</p>
<p>My kids have some long-term friends that have become as virtual family, and I don’t think I could cut them out of our lives on this offense…the confession must have been incredibly hard for him to do. And he obviously is hoping to repair his relationship with you by braving it.</p>