The “NO” is causing the drama! Fortunately I have no problem with that, my other half and
daughter are struggling with it.
You are not the only one and it is a difficult transition for many.
We have taken in a 19 year old “foster child” who is a spoiled only child whose single mother was often beaten down (figuratively) until she capitulated and gave child what child wanted. Child became impossible to live with, hit some real bumps along the way, and now we are supposed to get her on the straight and narrow. She started working and with her first paycheck, ordered one of those Kardashian waist trimmers. Meanwhile, she has parking tickets to pay, an overdrawn bank account, broke her second iPhone in six weeks, and needs to finish her GED and find money to fund community college. Its gonna be a long road. I let her make the foolish waist trimmer purchase because holding down the job was an accomplishment. That won’t be the norm.
@doschicos She is a Junior in college now, next year is her senior year. Am I starting too
early?
Yes she is a great student works hard and that is why we have supported her , but I don’t want to do this forever, thus " the weaning " process.
Its never too early.
Oops! You said that and I spaced. So, a year and 3 months, and not too early to set more solid parameters and a budget. Again, you’ll be doing her a favor.
She already has a $60K job offer as a junior? @phunt01810 wow!
Agree that “no” is an important word for your D to learn. When does her job start? Has she accepted it? Where will she live? What expenses will she be paying–taxes, housing, food, transportation, savings, retirement, insurance and more? Have her plot out how much that is each month after all FICA and other deductions and health insurance. $8500 of fun money for a year may be much more than she will have to play with after beginning the new job.
Actually, no, we never had our kids ask for more money. S was earning money by working part time and summers. D worked part time while her health allowed. Since it has declined, we pay all her expenses and give her a bit of “fun money,” a few hundred a month. She is grateful.
@dowzerw That is wonderful taking in a foster child! God Bless and Thank -You for sharing!
I am not alone!!! Yippy!!!
I have given my kids an allowance since they were in high school. Some people thought it was a lot of money in high school, but that was all I gave them. They had to put some of it in savings, pay for going out every weekend and buy gifts with it. I never slipped them any money. They didn’t have to depend on my mood to know if they had money for going out, and I didn’t have think they were asking for more money every time they wanted to go out. The only incident we had was when D2 asked for cost of living adjustment to her allowance.
@Hlmom so true!
D2 is a smart girl, @oldfort. 
COLA on an allowance. Now thats funny. 
@oldfort Never gave my kids an allowance, they always had to work for their spending money. I have always slipped them a few bucks as long as they saved a few bucks themselves.
Obviously my oldest though it was’nt going end:) She was wrong!
OP, do you have other children? Maybe your D figures that your "spending’ related to her tuition is about over - which to her means you won’t have to pay tuition anymore - which means that you’ll have more $$$ to spend on her! (in her eyes, that is)
Really? She has a $60K job secured as a junior? Is it something she got on her own or something through family?
I admit, we often do slip them $100 when they fly to visit us (or we fly to see them), to help defray some of the travel or entertainment expense, plus it’s something WE enjoy gifting them with. We see them a few times/year.
It definitely isn’t too early to help kids learn to live within their means (or preferably below their means so they can SAVE for retirement and other things they want).
As someone who’s been around the block a couple times, I suspect the bigger issue is between you and your spouse.
If the two of you can get on the same page, then dealing with your daughter will be much easier.
(But you genuinely have to get on the same page. Like wild animals, children can smell fear and will attack the weak member of the herd .)
I think slipping your kids a few bucks when you see fit is, pardon my bluntness, a tad…controlling and manipulative. Not the best word choice by me but I think unpredictable gifts send the wrong message as opposed to, IF you want to give her money at all, setting a budget and expectations. It shouldn’t be based on a whim or your mood at any given time. Either give it formally and officially if you can afford it and want to do so, or don’t.
For your D, yes I agree a budget is definitely in order, as well as time to get your spouse on the same page do you’re both in it together and not D and spouse vs mean you.
I see nothing wrong with gifting our kids when they take time from their busy schedules to meet up with us. For us all, it’s all about the company. I haven’t ever made a budget for S. When he was in college, I’d give him and D the amount of the least expensive meal plan groceries for the year. Both D and he earned their spending money.
I just have to wonder what has happened to our society. How many of us went to college, worked and figured everything out by ourselves. I don’t think most parents used to help their kids figure out a budget, find apartments and gave them spending money. I know my parents didn’t. I’m not knocking the OP or anyone here because I used to give DS spending money before he got his co-op and I probably will help him find an apartment when he graduates if he asks. But REALLY why? Shouldn’t they be figuring it all out and doing it themselves like we did?
Rant over.
@al2simon thanks for the “concern” about wife… but fortunately I have a lovely wife and although we might no always initially agree…we always have been able to come to an agreement. ( and mostly we meet in the middle)
@doschicos I think you are correct, I may have caused this, though unintentionally…
Really? I kind of like the “oops, a $20 fell out of my wallet into yours.” It strikes me as similar in spirit to when grandparents would give us a shiny new quarter or a pack of gum.