On another “financial infidelity” thread, these questions were posted (by doschichos, thanks for raising these excellent questions):
"How do you handle saving and investing? Do you make a similar salary if you are splitting the expenses of running a household down the middle? Do you each buy your own cars?
For those of you who have separate accounts and have an income disparity, is your household contribution proportional to your income? In our family, $ has always been 100% pooled so I’m trying to figure out how it works where its not combined."
In my family, we have always had only one income. So $ has always been pooled together.
For the new generation, most likely both may contribute to their family’s finance after they have established their family. Another matter is that many of them may have accumulated quite significant student loan debt, and their indebtedness may be drastically different from each other. In this case, isn’t it unfair for one partner to help pay for the other’s student loans even if they have the same income? Do you think they should reach some consensus on this so that there will not be any “surprise” (not so much about the amount of each other’s student loans, it is more about their attitude toward how to handle this) when they get married?
A story our S once shared with us: He and his GF once visited a close friend of theirs. This friend had got married with her husband about a year before their visit.
The husband said that when they went to a grocery story together after they had married, he was “horrified” that his wife could spent 2 to 3 times more than what he expected to spend. She would buy any items as long as she wants, totally disregard the price. (They shop at the Whole Food, not a particular cheap place.) Also, she bought A LOT. But this is how the young lady was raised; her family (before she got married) has always behaved like this. But the family from which her husband came from is very frugal. The husband and the wife said it took them more than half a year before they reached a mutual understanding about this, and learn to adapt to each other’s spending habit.
“Do you think they should reach some consensus on this so that there will not be any “surprise” (not so much about the amount of each other’s student loans, it is more about their attitude toward how to handle this) when they get married?”
No, it’s better that they not reach a consensus and fight all the time over it.
Of course they should reach a consensus! However, it’s their consensus to reach, not yours.
As for spending patterns, yes, people are different. My parents spent freely and didn’t care what something costs as long as they enjoyed it. My H was raised to go to five different grocery stores to get the very best price on broccoli, and to sweat over every penny. Both sides were equally well to do, and both enjoyed nice homes, vacations, etc but had wildly different approaches. We had to figure out our middle ground.
D1 and her SO came from different family background. The BF’s family didn’t go on vacations whereas we went few times a year. The first time BF used his passport was when he came to visit us when we lived outside of US. In the last few years they have been going on one big vacation a year. BF gives his budget and D1 plan vacation within the budget. They pay for their own trips. They are living together and they pay for their share of rent and utilities. D1 said they do not keep track of who buys for what for the apartment. As an example, she’ll order bulk of toiletries, house cleaning stuff, and the BF would buy grocery on his way home.
Both D1 and BF are making good salaries with D1 making substantially more now. I think they will keep their own separate accts and maybe one communal account when they get married. I am not sure what they will do once they have kids. It is going to be a lot more complicated with kids. I am sure they will figure it out. I see a lot of communication compromises between two of them.
The difference between D1 and I is she is much better at sticking with a budget. I tend to react and do things with emotion sometimes. She is more calm and calculating. She could walk away from a bad deal and not get too emotional about it.
D was married last fall after a few years of living together. Since marrying it seems as if the finances are co-mingled somewhat more which makes sense to me. I am happy to say that they seem to have similar goals financially and while neither are spendthrifts, they will spend reasonably on something that is meaningful for them such as travel.
What are you really asking, mcat? Are you worried that there will be trouble in paradise because your son has student loans and I’m assuming his GF doesn’t or has comparatively little? THEY are going to have to figure it out together. There’s no one right answer.
I don’t think my parents even know how Mr R and I handle finances. His parents certainly don’t.
We knew going into the marriage how much we each had in loans. Never occurred to us that we’d each pay our own loans. They are just another bill that we pay.
We lived together many years before marrying and we pay the bills the same way as we did before: I pay them all from my account and transfer money from his if needed. His account goes towards savings. I’ve always made more than him so this works for us.
It’s baffling to me that in this day, people can get married and not know the spending habits of the other. That couple had seriously never gone grocery shopping together prior to marriage?
My parents are both disabled but when they were working their money went into joint accounts but one was primarily my mom’s and one my dad’s. My mom handled all the finance stuff because she was a banker. Now that they’re both on disability, my dad handles the finances because my mom physically can’t. They both had pretty frugal habits and I’ve always had access to their accounts so I’ve always had a realistic sense of how finances work.
I would never pass judgement on how my kids’ married friends handle their personal finances. And supermarket shopping is a relatively minor issue. Whether they shop in a high priced store and buy all organic or go to Aldi’s and buy cheap-- not a huge big issue unless their budget cannot afford it. My s and DIL live in a little neighborhood where the closest market is a small and very high priced store. I found that out by shopping there. But iff that is where they shop, by necessity or convenience, then they adjust their budget elsewhere. ANd bottom line, as long as they work out their finances and are hopefully living within their means and hopefully saving money, it’s none of my business.
It is not that baffling for a couple to have not gone grocery shopping together or truly know each other’s spending habits. D1 and her BF both have sufficient money to do what they want to do. D1 doesn’t always tell her BF how much she spends on her clothing or ECs, likewise her BF spends a lot on music and D1 doesn’t ask. I would be shocked if they should go grocery shopping together. They eat at work most of the time and go out on weekends. On some rare occasions when they do cook, they most likely would have one person go pick up necessary items. When I was married, I never went to a grocery store. If someone should ask me cost of milk or butter, I couldn’t tell you. It wasn’t until I was divorced that I knew my ex was spending way too much on grocery.
Again, what works for one couple, isn’t necessary universally the right way. What’s important is communication.
Research has shown that the 2 main things couples fight over and that lead to problems I the marriage are money and family (kids and inlaws). I hope to never be the kind of inlaw that causes fights in their relationship.
There was a great thread several years ago about the issues of marrying someone with school loan debt. Might be a good idea to research that thread and read it.
“It’s baffling to me that in this day, people can get married and not know the spending habits of the other. That couple had seriously never gone grocery shopping together prior to marriage?”
We hadn’t. We didn’t live together prior to marriage. (Maybe we should have, but that’s a different topic.) I don’t think we really knew the other’s spending habits or attitudes about money. I get frustrated because H is unduly cheap but I also recognize it has afforded us security and my ability to stop work. He’s just much more strategic than my family ever was.
if one person were to need, say, glasses, or physical therapy for an injury, or ongoing medical treatment for asthma, or whatever, I’d think that would go into a household’s shared budget. It would seem to me that one would take the same approach with loans / educational expenses. I can see a different approach for purely discretionary purchases where one spouse might be more extravagant. Nonetheless, we’ve pooled everything from day one.
When I was growing up, I always saved my allowance and didn’t spend it on anything for myself. I think it stems from an ingrained fear of running out of money.
One of our daughters handles her money the same way. The other daughter spends. I think spending habits are linked to personality traits.
My kids are careful with their money. They both have started retirement accounts. This is terrific. Both understand that NOT having debt is a good thing. DD will have significant debt when she finishes her current schooling, but also has already formulated a plan to pay it off ASAP.
My kids both get certain things (for special dinners) at places like Whole Foods, but are more frugal with things that can be purchased at less costly places as well.
Both are resale store shoppers, and have gotten some terrific things that have saved them tons of money. Same with comparing prices online. They will often do this before they buy.
Both understand the need to have a savings…and both have savings.
Neither lives beyond their means…and neither has credit card debt that doesn’t get paid off every month.
To be honest, their family finance values are very similar to DH’s and mine.
Both sons are careful with credit card spending and paying off the balances monthly.
S1 and DIL are more careful about spending. In fact, S1 is what I would call cheap. I have no idea how they handle bill-paying, but I do know they make almost the same (good) salaries. With DIL being a vegetarian and S1 a meat-eater, I’m not sure how they handle their grocery bill. They maximize their retirement accounts. S1 brings lunch to work. They look for deals when they buy big ticket items.
S2 is more of a spender than I would’ve been at his stage of life or income level, but he still manages to save some. He does not maximize his Roth IRA; some years he didn’t contribute at all. He often buys lunch, instead of bringing lunch from home. He’s not a deal shopper. I don’t believe he lives beyond his means (he’s not in debt), but his priorities are certainly different from DH and me, at least at this stage of his life.
On student loans: I have a good friend whose husband’s lifestyle is, as I call it, “employment-optional.” He also has more than $200,000 in student loan debt. Do I think she should give his loan debt the same priority from her income as other family expenses? Hell no.
“Research has shown that the 2 main things couples fight over and that lead to problems I the marriage are money and family (kids and inlaws).”
One area of contention I’ve witnessed from sibling’s marriages combines the money and kids. 2 siblings have had issues with their spouses regarding paying for their own children’s college expenses. In both cases, my siblings came from a family where our parents saved and paid for our college expenses. We see it as our duty to do the same and pay it forward to our own children, realizing the gift of education we had been given and the blessing of being free from student loans. The spouses in both cases paid their own way through college and feels the kids should do the same, and have been reluctant or unwilling to make personal sacrifices by saving and contributing to their kids’ college costs for the portion left after need based aid. Their attitude is “I paid for myself. My kids can, too” (not really giving any thought to how college tuition has outpaced salaries and inflation). It’s been a very big and unfortunate area of contention and, in hindsight, something that should have been pinned down before marriage but many don’t think 20 years down the road.
^ I do wonder, dos, how that will change with my generation. We know you cannot work your way through college but honestly saving for college seems like an insurmountable challenge given our own student loans and the fact that our in-state option already costs over 100k over the 4 years.
My generation is wondering how on earth they’ll ever be able to help their kids go through college unless something changes drastically
Well, perhaps something will change dramatically re: the tuition landscape.
In the 2 instances in my family, the “pay your own way” spouse (in one case an ex now due to issues bigger than this one) makes a 6 figure salary and can afford to do so out of pocket if the desire was there to do so (let alone cutting back a little on their consumption patterns and saving over 18 years). The kids received some FA so its partial tuition in both cases. One parent has been unwilling to contribute at all.