My wife and I have 3 kids - 2021, 23 and 25. Me: full-time employed professional. Her: a medical professional with her own practice. For the last several years she has been pretty much hands off the academics - she works on her practice and I am handling everything for them academically, athletically and socially while working as well. Now as things get serious (S21 taking the SAT entering junior year, S23 son entering a second, different high school, D25 in a magnet school) I find this to be really frustrating as she will get home from work and sit in bed and watch Law and Order while I work through homework, clubs scheduling etc with the kids. As an example, last May when my youngest was working through exponents and I was busy with Trig with the oldest she said she couldn’t help the youngest because she “doesn’t remember it” and closing the door. Further, she will undermine the process intentionally or unintentionally by scheduling days off school and family functions at the worst times. When I explain to her that they need to to study, attend class she looks at me like I am crazy. Tonight I wanted to help my son review a SAT practice test but then she invites over the cousins for a night of video games and chatting on the phone and gets angry at me when ask when they are going home so S21 can study for his August test date. This only adds to the stress of the education process for me. I am seriously about to blow. Any input?
I think you two need some counseling. That you are posting this on a forum board instead of talking and working it out with her says a lot
I always kept a large color coded calendar (different marker color for each kid) that had our way too busy schedules right there. You can buy a calendar at the Dollar tree, some markers and clearly mark days that the kids , you and the house are booked. That’s the simplest way to make it very obvious. What’s planned. Keep it real simple. Red letter days are already taken. You can footnote The Who, what, when.
But if someone is not interested in cooperating and being passive aggressive or outright aggressive about it, that’s a whole other problem.
Thanks for the feedback. I actually had purchased a chalk board for that very reason last July but it went ignored (and in the trash) within 2 weeks. It just seems so odd that my wife was very high achieving all through her young life and now she is taking no personal responsibility for our kids. She seems to think in her mind that the deal was I work and take care of the kids because I can telecommute and she cant while she works at her practice. Really I feel like she is missing out and the kids are too when she isn’t investing time as well.
There are two sides to every story and she may have some gripes about your focus, too. We didn’t help our kids prep for the SAT (though I’m sure it’s common, but an August date before jr year seems early.) Are you also including attention to her and her needs?
You wrote elsewhere that you also have custody of another child? That’s a large number of children to be raising essentially on your own.
While, as @lookingforward correctly stated, “there are two sides for every story”, and your wife may simply have a more “hands-off” approach, and you are simply painting things to be much worse than they are (because that’s how they look from your point of view), it is obvious that, at very least, you and your wife are not on the same page, in regards to parenting.
I agree with @cptofthehouse - you need couples counseling ASAP. I mean, as soon as yesterday. This does not seem like something that will get better on its own, and it already sounds pretty toxic. This is not an environment in which you want to raise your kids, and, this toxicity is likely to make it very difficult for your kids to navigate high school.
Aside from couples therapy, you need to start therapy on your own. Either the situation is as you describe it, and you need to figure out how to demand that your wife do her part in ensuring your kids’ education, or, if it’s not as bad as that, you need to figure out how to see the situation more clearly, so that you can deal with it.
Seems like your division of labor is not all that unusual, especially if the lower paid spouse is doing more of the parenting. But is it an issue for you specifically due to the traditional gender roles being apparently reversed? (Not every couple with reversed-from-traditional gender roles has a problem with it.)
The counseling suggested by others here looks like a good idea.
Could there be a “good cop” “bad cop” dynamic as well, where she may see you as having “all work no play” view?
Consider googling “love languages” and reading about them figuring out both yours and your wife’s. Most people know nothing about them. We (humans) do them all naturally when we fall in love and find a partner, but then we return to being ourselves and only speaking/reading our own. This is fine when the two people involved share the language, but it works horribly after time passes when they speak different languages because they don’t feel loved and start to resent each other.
Based upon adults I know, this sounds a bit like what might be happening in your marriage - then add the kids and a different style of parenting. If you can learn to speak her language, she’ll feel loved again and probably rejoin you in a marriage. At that point you can gently point out your language to help it work both directions. Don’t expect a miracle overnight, but keep speaking each other’s languages even if it seems “dumb” and you’ll likely welcome the change that comes about.
Then tackle parenting together in a loving way. You have time. Your kids won’t be ruined by waiting for a real fix - use this August’s SAT as merely a baseline to look for gaps. Your kids will benefit more from having two parents who love each other than trying to pound out anything just because.
There are whole books written about love languages. It’s been common in my circles for married adults to really appreciate the info - some folks in their senior years having exclaimed, “I wish we’d known about this 40 years earlier.”
Best wishes to you both.
Usually by high school, kids can handle studying on their own. Your wife may just have a different philosophy about child raising than you do. Was she an active parent when the children were toddlers and elementary school kids? By middle to high school, kids need to be cut lose on studying if you expect them to go to college on their own. We did not coach our kids on the SAT, there are classes for that, also self study for SAT rarely helps, unless your kids have specific weaknesses in test taking. Consider hiring out SAT study with a program like Mind Fish. ( It will take up weekend time that could be spent on other things though.) The SAT prep classes do improve scores by a lot in some cases.
. It really depends on college goals though, and the money you have to invest on college, and what state you live in, as to whether it makes sense to spend time on SAT prep. Some in state programs care about test scores more than others, and then every point may count for merit scholarships or admission.
I don’t believe in couples counseling as it often just leads to divorce. The key is to accept the spouse as they are, if you want to stay married to her.
Are the kids missing her “help” at this stage? Ask them. Also ask your wife what
kind of help she got from her own parents. Chances are, she was on her own since 6th grade. Thats an OK way to parent though, and clearly worked well for your wife, if that was the case in her family of origin.
Also think of it this way, you get the benefit of a closer relationship with your teens.
You also may be handling things so well, your wife feels she had nothing extra to offer.
You could divide and conquer on say attending games or concerts, but usually one person needs to keep the family schedule and you are doing a great job!
Maybe your spouse thinks you’re pushing too much? Too controlling? Unless you ask her directly, you’ll be in the dark. I have a feeling you’ll be very surprised at her response. I don’t mean this negatively, but people tend to put blinders on.
Did your spouse go to college?
If not, did her family promote or not promote education?
I can see a scenario where she didn’t get to go to college, and has resentment about the kids going to college or that the rest of the family (you & kids) are going to think you are “better” than she is.
@eggbeater , my wife and I are similar to your situation in some ways. I am a working professional and my wife is a full time physician. There are some things I have ended up assuming responsibility for in the evenings. After working all day seeing patients, my wife like to relax watching TV at night. While I am taking care of household issues in the evenings, I am sometimes resentful of her sitting on the couch. But I’ve come to understand her job is much different than mine, and she needs that time to decompress. Otherwise, I echo what others have said. Y’all really need to find a constructive way to communicate.
@bopper she’s a medical professional with her own practice, so yes, she’s educated and surely not jealous. The truth is there are so many possible explanations for this couples dynamic and the only way for OP to get to the bottom of it is to actually speak to his wife.
Some people just don’t think it’s is necessary or worth it to stress over schooling.
To me, it looks to be more than philosophical difference on schooling. If she thinks he is doing too much for kids, she should voice her objection that that’s not the way she believes parenting should be. It sounds to me she is “sabotaging” what he is trying to do. He may be wrong in doing what he is doing but that’s certainly not how to stop him.
I have a lot of thoughts about your post. It’s clear that you have your kids’ best interest at heart, but I feel you may have lost your way. Your wife may have tried to talk to you about this and felt unheard. Supporting the “two sides to every story” theme, I would be very interested to hear your wife’s side of things. This is a long post; I hope you’ll bear with me.
To be frank, I personally found your post to be concerning. Here is an example:
“Tonight I wanted to help my son review a SAT practice test but then she invites over the cousins for a night of video games and chatting on the phone and gets angry at me when ask when they are going home so S21 can study for his August test date. This only adds to the stress of the education process for me. I am seriously about to blow.”
While I recognize how much you care, and that you are working hard at trying to prepare your children for their future, IT’S JULY! An August test date is a month away. The idea that your child shouldn’t enjoy a night of video games with cousins because there is a test next month is very troubling. There is absolutely no reason that an SAT practice test must be reviewed on a particular evening. Do that tomorrow. Do it next weekend. Life will go on. Don’t get so caught up in battling your wife that you miss that key idea.
You wrote about your frustration that your wife watches Law & Order “while I work through homework, clubs scheduling etc with the kids.”
Why are you working through homework with your kids? Stop and enjoy a TV show or two yourself, or whatever you might prefer to do. If they are taking course loads that are beyond their capability as independent learners, that’s a problem, and it’s not solved by you regularly laboring over their homework with them. Helping with an occasional tough problem, reading a draft of an essay… well, that’s one thing. But the picture you are painting is different.
The idea that you are regularly working through “clubs, scheduling, etc.” with them? I don’t really understand this reference unless it’s a one-time thing at the start of each given year, but, surely, at this point, your kids are able to do this largely on their own. And, while we’re on the point, why do you feel the need to spend significant time going over an SAT practice test with your son? Let him go over it himself and THEN COME TO YOU with any particular questions. I feel you are putting too much responsibility on yourself (which is destructive) and not enough responsibility on your kids (which would be constructive.)
You wrote, “As an example, last May when my youngest was working through exponents and I was busy with Trig with the oldest she said she couldn’t help the youngest because she ‘doesn’t remember it’ and closing the door.”
Looking back on my own education, I didn’t EVER do math homework (or any homework) with the help of my parents. The struggle matters, and is fundamental to the educational process. I think it’s possible that your physician wife either legitimately no longer remembers certain math concepts or prefers to have the children learn on their own. Have you spoken with her about HOW it is that she became so educationally accomplished herself? She may believe that you are robbing your children of the struggle they NEED to experience in order to become excellent learners. Closing the door and watching TV may be easier for her than trying to explain that, especially if she has tried to communicate it in the past and felt unheard.
If you stop helping your kids with their homework, with the exception of occasionally reading an essay draft or assisting with a particularly challenging concept, one of two things will happen. Either it will become clear that the child(ren) have been placed in inappropriately high-level courses (or that their schedules are too full with athletics and whatnot to allow them the time/energy they need to get their work done on their own), or they will rise to the challenge and benefit from the responsibility being appropriately shifted away from you and onto them. Either option is better than them being dependent on you. If they need a tutor for a particular section of a course, get one. But don’t put yourself in a position that you are seething with resentment that you have to do it and your wife does not.
Again, it is entirely possible that your wife’s academic achievements were due in great part to NOT being helped/pushed/overseen by parents along the way, and she wants the same for them. In your shoes, I would keep an open mind to this idea.
Although your good intentions are clear, I don’t see you as being in the right in this case. Frankly, your post made me sad for your kids. I highly recommend backing off, for your kids’ sake, for your wife’s sake, for your own sake. You describe yourself as “ready to blow.” That’s no way to live, and and definitely no way to parent. And I second (third, fourth?) the recommendation that you and your wife seek marital counseling yester-minute.
I know I’m just some stranger on the internet, and can’t objectively see what’s happening in your household. I’m basing my comments on the description you’ve provided. Take my advice for what it’s worth, with the caveat that sometimes strangers provide the best mirrors. Take a good, long look.
In summary, my response to your post is:
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Seek counseling with your wife immediately. Be open to her perspective, whatever it is. It’s more important for your children that their parents replace this toxicity with a healthy, loving relationship than it is that they gain admission to top colleges. Full stop.
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Cease helping your kids with their homework, schedules, etc. Just back off. Hire a tutor for a particular section of a course if needed. Otherwise, let them learn ON THEIR OWN. Adjust their academic level or athletic commitments if this change yields information that their current load is actually too tough for them to manage.
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Take time for yourself to do the things you enjoy, whether it’s watching a TV show, going for a pleasant walk, playing a sport – YOU MATTER, and it’s good for your kids to see you enjoying your life, separate from their own successes.
I hope you see the support in all the replies to your post. Your situation is serious. We all wish the very best for you and your family.
Yes, therapy can help so much in situations like the OP is describing.
Although H & I both work full time, I was what’s sometimes referred to as “the primary parent”.
However, my style is MUCH more hands-off than the OP is describing. I don’t recall being involved in either kids academics from about 7th or 8th grade on. That’s just me and my “raised by wolves” style of parenting where I gave the kids a lot of room to manage their own lives & was often saying “I’m sure you will figure it out. LMK if you feel completely stuck & need me to jump in”.
H was immersed in work & by default, had a similar parenting style. I can imagine how difficult it would be if one parent thought the kids needed a lot of management and the other parent thought the kids needed a lot less.
Good luck OP!
My husband had a job that required many hours of meetings and travel. It paid very well and provided us with all the essentials and more. It also left very little time for hone life and the many children we had at home. This worked for us because, he was not temperamentally disposed to dealing with children. Especially the minutia. Not to say, he could not learn, but it would take time away from his job to the point that he would have to find something else. He liked the work, we liked the benefits the job provided, so I accommodated.
Because of the stress that the job caused as it spilled into family and hone time, I carefully choreographed what interactions he has when he was home. He got to see the year end concerts. Got the Readers Digest version of what was happening. He really wasn’t all that interested in the dramas that occurred in everyday kid life. He still does not even with adult kids. I tend to field the smaller issues and organize whatever he partakes. It works for us.
I did all of the grunt work for college apps. He did take the kids on some college tours. Went to a college night or two. Helped with the decisions. And paid for the costs.
So a lot of times it’s not the situation that is the issue so much as the fact that it’s not working. You don’t like this. That’s the crux of the problem. I know someone who does everybit of the cooking, cleaning of the household and is the main breadwinner by far in both time and money. But that’s the way they want it. Do I think that’s fair? No. But that’s none of my business. It works for them. But if something triggers resentment, whether it’s one person who decides cleaning up and taking out the trash is too much anymore, or if the other party suddenly wants to start cooking, it’s a “disruption in the Force” , and has to be worked out or it can damage the relationship and the entire household infrastructure
Whether this has been a constant sore, like a bad meal that keeps coming up, or now you feel it’s reached a tipping point, sonehow, someway, it needs to be discussed. He things go from that point on, is likely to be compromise or accommodation. Some thing just don’t or won’t change. Both DH and I put up with a list of stuff with each other that might be deal breakers to other people. Some are chronic subjects of arguments.
But that you are upset enough to bring this up on a board, either is a letting off steam or you want a change. How destructive this actually is, we don’t know. I do believe that writing down events very clearly, and reminding a disengaged family member is important. I have to do this all of the time if so want all of my brood and my DH and extended family to show up or do something. I walk around muttering how the danged smartphone does NOT take the place of red marker and a physical calender augmented with constant reminders. My DH remembers every single detail of business meeting, but can’t keep a dinner or graduation or anything outside of business in his mind and he’ll double book if I don’t keep reminding him. Me? I can’t seem to pay a bill on time or get the car checkups done on schedule or compare insurance rates. Or deal with the cable company. One of my kids has taken over some of that for me and DH pretty much does the bills
Agree with @CardinalBobcat!
Thanks for the replies. For some context we are a somewhat stereotypical Asian family. I went to UCB and her UCLA for undergrad and were products of “Dragon” households so yes we are demanding. Do I do homework for them? No. Do I make sure they know the concepts before the test? Yes. Maybe that is different than others but that is how I try to help.
The reason the SAT studying issue was a big deal for me is S21 goes back to school next week as his HS on a modified year round schedule. A lot less hours available. Furthermore, he had the list of math questions from his practice test he wanted go over which normally we save for Sunday nights. I am not a STEM person so I really need to relearn concepts so I can help him with his questions.
Neither of us are perfect but there isn’t any physical abuse, infidelity, or addiction issues. We just have issues like any other couple but this is major one.
Sorry one last thing. The “clubs and scheduling” comment is regarding my role as coach for 2 of the kid’s travel teams. All 3 play but only two I actually coach.