My concerns are totally different. To me them flying alone, not making Thanksgiving or other logistics is a non-issue. My biggest fears about colleges far away:
-Growing apart/growing apart with siblings (my kids are very close). Yes, I know about What’s up, facetime etc. but somehow distance has a way of making it happen.
-Student getting a mental breakdown or getting involved with drugs
-A lot of times students get internships and jobs and tend to settle down where they go to school. I don’t mind being apart for a few years, but not for the rest of our lives.
Is it crazy to think this way? I am a Jewish mom, so I do. So far it did not happen to us because DS1 is in-state and we see him whenever he chooses to come home. We speak or text every day. He lives off-campus and has to deal with the college, the landlord, car breakdowns, working and being on his own. DS2 is at the decision fork now, so we will see…
@LoveMyPuppies I think there’s no way to control for any of that. Kids have mental breakdowns or get involved with drugs right in their own homes. If it happens when they’re far away, you bring them home and deal with it then.
That said, if you have a kid with ongoing issues and an ongoing need for support, yes, I’d keep them close. If you think odds are strong your kid can handle it, it works itself out. We’re at the beginning of having a kid thousands of miles and an annoying set of plane rides away, and so far, so good. Frankly, I think he likes it that way.
@LoveMyPuppies We now live in a global society where good jobs are relatively scarce compared to 20 or 30 years ago. Kids today need to be geographically and culturally mobile if they want to maximize their career goals. If the best program for their major is across the country you have to let them go for it.
Don’t worry about the sibling thing. If they are close, they will always be close and a little distance now will probably be a good thing.
When my son was looking at colleges, I limited my suggestions to places that were relativly close to “major” airports. For example, Georgia Tech was a good choice, because he could have jumped right on their metro and gotten to the college. rose Hulman would have been a “bad” choice, because it’s a fairly significant drive from the airport. He wound up a $20 cab ride from a major airport, which had easy non-stop flights to close to home airport, and it worked out fine. He could have taken the college shuttle to airport, but we opted for him to take cab, or often bum a ride with friends to airport (less than 10 miles from college).
I would say it was a good experience for him to be away from home, but there were times, like when he wound up in an ambulance due to kidney stones his first semester, that I was quite “traumatized” by not being close.
I was close to my mom whether I was living down the street or 3,000 miles away. And that was before the internet was much more than a novelty toy. I am close to my sister 3,000 miles away. H isn’t close to one of his even though she’s just a short drive across town. Distance really won’t affect closeness unless that’s ok with the kids involved.
As for mental breakdowns, I agree with the above, that if you have a student with mental health challenges, you might need to keep them closer, but you can’t (or shouldn’t) limit where they go to school “just in case”. My boss’ D did actually have a breakdown and came home. Ironically, she found the best treatment while living on her own in a city several hours away.
Unless you plan to “forbid” your grown kids from moving away even after college, you really can’t control for what they’ll do or where they’ll end up or who they are close to. All that would do is breed resentment, imo.
@thumper1, I wish my son had stored his stuff on campus last year! We had to drive out and pick him up, then haul his stuff home, only to haul it all back in August. This year, we’re making him store his gear there!
For us it was a mixed bag. School (Mt. Holyoke) was 3,000 miles away, rural campus, airport closest to school about an hour away. Move in not such a big deal. We flew Southwest and each packed and checked in 2 large bags (using space saver bags was a blessing). Rented a car and done.
Then came first Thanksgiving break. Campus fully shut down (approx 2% of students remained, the majority international), only access to food was buying from the grocery store (a mile walk each way) and her microwave. For her not a big deal (got in a lot of reading, hiking in the area) but also said it was “lonely” - we couldn’t justify airfare for a “long weekend”. Winter break, took the bus to the airport and came home. Spring break similar to Thanksgiving.
End of school year was a bit of a nightmare, as she transferred to different school in NYC for the next years. All her crap had to come home.
Complete different story though. City remains open, tons to do all the time regardless of school calendar - and we would swap visits. I’d go to her, she’d come home. I love the city, so win-win.
They’ll bloom where they’re planted as mine have, I’m sure. However, In full disclosure, I would not do it again.
The key is the school’s proximity to airports. Both mine are a huge hassle to get to - trying to find bus schedules that work with flights is traumatic.
I regret deeply and intensely, not having looked at that first.
I miss them to death when they can’t make it home and now they’ll graduate and stay where they are.
Everytime we are out with friends in the Claremont Village and we bump into their kids, I’m envious
My DD came down mono and we knew not a soul there that could help her, I cried, she cried, we all hurt.
Health ins did not transfer so we pay out of pocket or they wait till they’re home.
Snow clothes are expensive. Missed flights are expensive. Last minute flights are expensive. I miss out on campus events and seeing them but once or twice a year.
Again, full disclosure, if I got a redo, no more than a 3 hr drive.
Both my college kids are a plane ride away, and another hour from airport to school. The older one is in Chicago, so it’s easy public transportation the entire way, but we try and get daytime flights so she’s not traveling by herself at night. She is an hour from some family so that helps—she has a place to go for holidays like Thanksgiving when she doesn’t come home. She comes home at Christmas break, spring break, and has spent a few days home during summers, but she’s had internships in Chicago and elsewhere. She hasn’t “come home for the summer” at all. We haven’t seen her as much as we expected and that’s been the hardest thing for our family–not bad–she’s doing great–just hard. Logistics of her possessions and travel are a challenge but a very manageable one.
The second kid is an hour from the airport too, but no public transportation. She hasn’t been home yet (freshman) but will have to rely on friends or a shuttle. She has travelled once since starting school and did get rides from friends and paid them for gas. The shuttle would add over $100 round trip to the cost of the flight, and her city has more expensive flights to begin with. She will have to find an invitation for thanksgiving (I think she already has one) and we don’t have family nearby in case of emergency.
I’d add to the voices that say cost matters—discuss what you can afford for trips home or visits and make sure your daughter is clear on that before she chooses. The kid in Chicago doesn’t need a car and is happy to not have one, but the other one wishes she had a car. We had told her that if she chose this school, we couldn’t also provide a car. She’s by no means trapped on campus, but it changes the dynamic for her.
Just observing them so far, letting them go far away for school has been worth it. One could not have pursued her chosen degree within driving distance. The other wanted an LAC—are there was nothing we could afford (almost nothing at any price) within driving distance. The both found a great fit, and are thriving. It’s hard to have them far away—our family is close. It’s hard when they struggle somehow. It’s not that staying local would have stunted their growth somehow, we know many kids who have stayed local and thrived, it’s just that this was the right choice for each of them. I kind of hope the youngest stays nearby, but we’ll be looking for the best fit for him too.
I posted earlier about son farther away, but son who goes to school within 45 minutes of home also loves his school and is having a great college experience. He was offered a huge scholarship at a school farther away, but really wanted to attend the school closer to home. He has his own car on campus, and comes home only when he wants to (or he wants mom to do laundry, which I happily do, and he gladly does other chores in return).
@GertrudeMcFuzz (LOVE the username!) How does one pronounce Bala Cynwyd? @LoveMyPuppies As a Jewish mom myself, I understand. Heck, that’s why I think this college process is more stress for me than for my daughter! But I agree with what others have said, unless you think your child is emotionally fragile or has had issues before, there should be no reason to worry about having them further from home. In fact, it can really be good for them to have to fend for themselves. Have your children ever been away from home before? My daughter spent every summer away since the age of 11, so she’s accustomed to problem solving in her own or turning to others for help if she needs it.
And drugs? Yep, they’re there if the kid wants to try them. My daughter has never used alcohol or drugs and I have no reason to think she’s going to start in college, however, if she decides to experiment that’s up to her. I can only trust that she will use good judgment about it.
I do wish my daughter was closer so that I could watch her playmore often. Most of her games I can watch on video stream, but not always. On Sunday she’s playing 4 games and I will miss them.
@twoinanddone I hear you! D plans to try out for a cappella groups, instrumental ensembles, and theater productions, and I do hope she is close enough that my husband and have the opportunity to go see some performances!
@twoinanddone another good point, I have missed all three years of her lacrosse games, and have missed his keynote speech at Town Hall Meeting and scholarship banquets
We didn’t get to see any of DD’s college orchestra concerts. But you know…it didn’t matter. She loved her school 3000 miles from home, and we knew that.
Plus, we went to a gazzilion concerts for our kids prior to college. It was really ok!
Like others, I would have liked to see more of D and been able to watch more rugby games. I think she liked being 3000 miles away – most of the time, and the phone/Skype took care of the times when some parental TLC and/or advice was needed. Never worried about her being snowed in: felt confident the school/friends would step in were there a major emergency. Helped that my brother lives outside Philadelphia, so one could always make make backup plans to get her there from Boston if need be.
Re hotels not renting to minors. We had to do that one time, and I did not have a problem with my credit card and my personal guarantee. Heck, I was willing to sign any waiver they wanted, but that was not an issue. A minor cannot easily walk in and rent a room, but a parent can. At least that’s my experience.
S went to college on the opposite coast and it was very expensive. We paid for direct nonstop flights for him to come home at every break, Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring and summer breaks. Plus we attended 2 parents’ weekends.
No regrets.
He was sick for a week in his freshman year, vomiting and too weak to go to cafeteria etc. He managed to get something in the vending machines and survived.
When I was in college, I could not go home during Thanksgiving and I felt bad even though I went home with friends who lived nearby. When it came to my kids, I flew them home no matter what.
I think that if other factors are approximately equal, the child’s desire for distance should trump the parent’s desire for proximity (or the child’s desire for proximity should trump the parent’s desire for distance).
My D has also gotten a hotel room on a couple occasions when her flight got her into Philly late. She reserved / paid online & has not had any problems.
But I agree with what others have said, unless you think your child is emotionally fragile or has had issues before, there should be no reason to worry about having them further from home. In fact, it can really be good for them to have to fend for themselves. Have your children ever been away from home before? My daughter spent every summer away since the age of 11, so she’s accustomed to problem solving in her own or turning to others for help if she needs it.