I’m trying very hard here not to overstep but, man oh man, my tongue has a ridge across it from biting it so many times
Our S20 is in his first romantic relationship (it’s been 6 months). This was his first date, first kiss, first everything (he was a late bloomer). But his GF has turned out to be pretty jealous and controlling, and now he is spending much of his senior year being miserable. It came to a head this weekend and they broke up (for all of 30 minutes). Now they are “trying one more time”.
I hate seeing him so upset, and have tried to impart wisdom without telling him what to do. He requested the opportunity to talk to a therapist and so he has an appt for that in a week. I think his head knows what to do, but his heart hasn’t quite caught up.
It’s great that he has sought and has a pending appt with a therapist. It is challenging watching but it’s a very important role to just be there and supportive of your child as he makes decisions that he will grow from.
I applaud you for being supportive and letting him know you are there for him without trying to make choices for him.
It’s great he’s having these experiences while you and loved ones are around to provide comfort as appropriate rather than when he’s possibly 1000s if miles away and fewer friendly, supportive folks. Hang in there. We are here for you!
@HImom thanks! I agree that it is better he deal with this now while still home, although he is likely doing community college next year anyway. But that could change if the GF goes away, as I believe she was much of the driving force behind him saying he wanted to stay home and do CC versus going away to a 4 year school. He has applied to 3 Cal States just in case he changes his mind.
I was my girls’ therapist. I just listened a lot and I had faith they knew what to do. My favorite thing to say to them is, “I love him as much as you love him.”
My kids are 25 & 30 now. I have lived through many of their heartaches - each breakup deserved a new handbag (how expensive of a bag mirrored how difficult of the breakup). I always took my girls’ side no matter what.
I had faith my girls could survive each heartbreak and they would make the right decision. I think our faith in them would validate their decision, and they are the ones who would need to live with their decision.
Oh boy. When I saw the title of this thread, I expected that the OP was going to tell us that she was interfering up the wazoo to keep a bad relationship going. I’m delighted to hear it’s the exact opposite. @thedreamydaisy , you’re doing everything exactly right. He will learn from the therapist, and he will learn from you’re keeping your mouth shut. This is how we all learn. He will grow from this experience and won’t be in the same situation ever again.
@oldfort I have definitely done a lot of listening, and I do have faith that he will get to the right spot (just might take longer than I would like…lol).
@VeryHappy thanks for the vote of confidence! I do believe this is a valuable learning experience for him, it’s just hard for those of us watching it
Did your son suggest to talk to a therapist? Breaking up is not easy, but it is not often a teen would ask to see a therapist over a breakup unless there is more to it.
@oldfort he did ask to talk to a therapist. I know that his GF has had some depression issues, and my son has voiced to me some concern over the fact that she might hurt herself if he broke up with her. So I know there are some deeper issues at play that are causing him a lot of anxiety and sadness. I have told him very clearly that he is not responsible for anyone else, but I think he might need to hear that from a professional. The GF told me she is heading back to therapy also which makes me feel better, because as much as I know she is wrong for my son, I certainly want her to be happy also.
I agree with @oldfort Seeing a therapist to save a marriage is worth a try. I find it strange, though, to see a high school-age kid (who has little to lose by cutting bait and moving on) going through the equivalent, unless, of course, there are other issues he wants help handling. What is his goal? To “save” the relationship, to decide if it is worth saving, or to get an effective break up script?
It is painful to watch, but at least he will have learned something about what he wants and doesn’t want in a relationship. He’ll have learned what an unhealthy relationship looks and feels like, and he will learn why it is important to be careful in choosing a partner.
I hope he gets into one of the Cal States. CC is fine, but if GF is the one pushing that, it is going to be good for him to have some choices after she is no longer around (it doesn’t seem like she will be).
@Groundwork2022 I interpreted the sons desire to see a therapist as him wanting some guidance over all his feelings and boundaries. Not relationship counseling at all, I.e. not analogous to marriage counseling!
It’s great that he recognized that he’s emotionally uncomfortable and that a therapist might help. And it’s great that he trusted you to facilitate that. You should be feeling proud of both of you!
@surfcity I definitely think the therapist is about his feelings and anxiety. I also think he will use the time to hash out some of his feelings about college and going away versus staying home. Not planning to use the time to save this relationship.
You are doing a GREAT job, Mom. If he wants to see a therapist, I think it’s great he came to you and you are letting him. Who knows later in life if he will need one for other reasons and you letting him know now that it’s “ok” to do that. Yes, it’s a bit different than what HS boys asks for that, but some kids are just more sensitive. Maybe he wants to tell someone else stuff, or have someone guide him through this that is a professional. He may be aware that you are not giving him your true opinion, (which is good), but he needs that from someone else.
My youngest son wears his heart on his sleeve. If he came to me, I’d honor that request. I think it’s good that someone guide him through this particular issue the GF has.
I do have to say that a lot of intense relationships in HS end after they get to college and the world opens up. Just keep doing what you’re doing.
I thought I’d provide a quick update - S20 ended up ending his relationship a week ago and this time it stuck. He has moved on and already seems so much happier (I think just some relief really that he got through it). He has dealt very maturely with the fallout from the GF which was tough initially as she did not want this break up. He has remained calm and caring, even when she lashed out.
Bottom line, we canceled the therapy appt as he felt he had dealt with everything well on his own.
Thank you to all of your for your advice and comments. I feel good that I stayed out of the situation as much as possible. In the end, he got to where he needed to be on his own
I will add myself to the list of people who agree you are doing everything right.
I absolutely stink at biting my tongue with my daughter, but thinking back to my own teenage years, I know how important it is. My parents once told me after a break up they didn’t like my boyfriend. When we later got back together I knew better than to share my feelings about him and problems we were having with my parents, because I know knew how they felt. It was a shame I felt like I lost their support!
I think all you can do is listen and support him. It sounds like he knows what to do and where things are heading, but letting go it hard!
Going to a therapist is a super mature decision and I think it’s GREAT he’d be interested in seeking help. Hopefully, if he struggles in college, he’ll be likely to seek out help again. Luckily the stigma associated with therapy is not such a big deal for this generation!
