How long should I give this school before I transfer? My parents are pushing me to stay another semester, which I completely understand. I am currently at a very prestigious school, and if I transferred, I would transfer “down” to a Christian LAC. However, I wonder every day if I would be happier somewhere else. The environment here is toxic and I am still not happy with my decision to come here. Should I give it more time? I’m not always unhappy here, I’ve made great friends and have made great memories. However, I look to the next three and a half years and am not optimistic. I cannot imagine myself graduating from this university. I suffered with depression earlier this year and thought that maybe that was why I was unhappy, but I am no longer depressed and still question my choice in coming here. Should I stick it out for another semester? What are some signs that the school you are at is not the right one for you?
Thank you!
My daughter is at a “top” out of state public school and was miserable until the middle of October. She spoke about transferring every single day. The school was too big for her and she had trouble finding a niche. As an out of state student she felt very out of place. Now she loves her school and can’t imagine not being there. Here is what she did:
- She started eating in the dining hall rather than bringing her food back. She was hesitant about eating in the dining hall because she thought it would take time away from doing her work and it made her nervous.
- She joined a major organization on campus. This was not easy to do- it required her to fill out a 15 page application, write three essays, go on three interviews, etc. She finally got accepted and was able to take this large school and turn it into a smaller school. She now has friends- this is what was lacking for her.
- Three of her classes are small - under 25 students. She started accepting invitations from them to do things such as seeing guest speakers for the class. Two of her classes are big- 150 students. She sat front and center and spoke to the people next to her. She started to branch out and accept invitations to join study groups.
- She had a few counseling sessions until she realized she no longer needed it.
What is toxic about the environment of your current school?
@twogirls, OP is at Duke and seems to want to go to St. Olaf, which is closer to home and more simpatico in terms of religious ethos.
Duke- like all colleges and universities!- has many limitations, and wouldn’t necessarily be my cup of tea- but calling it ‘toxic’ seems a bit of a stretch. I know quire a few current Duke students who are nice, well balanced people- and yes, a few hard partiers as well.
In our house we use the ‘3 reason’ rule: when somebody gives 3 (or more) reasons why they don’t want to do something, it usually means that at some level they just really don’t want to do it. It seems as if you are in that space- every time you post there is another reason why you don’t want to be there.
But before you make that call, be honest with yourself about what it is that you want to change- otherwise you are may find that after you transfer you regret that move. People regularly post on CC about how unhappy they were, then they transferred to something that seemed just right- and then regretted it). That happens when they aren’t clear in themselves about what they were unhappy about and/or what they were looking for.
So, opinion time: until you can articulate what it is at the bottom of your unhappiness with being at Duke (or perhaps the real issue isn’t being at Duke, but not being at St Olaf?), stay put, work hard, try to invest in the parts of the community that suit you. When you are having a negative day, fill out a transfer application to another school (a school that would be good for whatever you aren’t liking about where you are that day, say a place that’s good for art, or a place with a good 5th year for teacher certification or whatever it is) for next autumn, and repeat as needed. Come next May you will have some number of options to weigh up against each other and can decide whether to stay or go.
@twogirls Thank you for your tips! I eat in the dining hall every day, have found a great group of friends, and even attended counseling sessions for a while. I was depressed but am now a lot better. I also just tried to join an organization on campus, but I got shot down after my interview on Friday. Also, many of my classes are small, which I greatly appreciate. I will not have this luxury next semester. The toxic environment stems from the ultra competitiveness of the school and the facade of “effortless perfection.”
@collegemom3717 Thank you for everything that you said. It really does help. You hit the nail on the head. 
15moel I understand. That is why my daughter chose to avoid certain schools. “Effortless perfection” is a perfect description.