<p>I found that having common roots can go a long way in a relationship. As I said, I got back with my HS gf after a LONG break and we had more in common than most couples that have been married 35 years. I am sure that’s an exception to the rule but I have been all around the block and the hometown girl was still the best. You just never know in these areas.</p>
<p>I’ll be the lone poster with a bad story - My oldest son dated the same girl for 2 years in high school, then long distance relationship for first 2 years in college (her father refused to let her attend my son’s college - didn’t approve of a Yankee boyfriend for his Southern daughter. That should’ve been a major red flag to my son!) He was totally convinced this was “the one”, no talking him out of it (I tried, with my mom intuition blaring warning alarms in my head for 2 years of the relationship). To make a long, ugly story short: The girl was two-timing him with a guy at her college, all the while never giving my son any indication something was amiss, even shopping with my son for a pre-engagement ring for her. My son had heard about some rapes on her campus, was extremely nervous for her safety when she didn’t call as planned one night. He was frantic that something had happened to her, since she couldn’t be reached. Guess where she finally admitted she was? Spending the night in the other guy’s room. That’s how he found out, and was devastated. She said she wanted to “stay friends”, but I was very proud of my son when he told her he really didn’t want to see her anymore period, that she totally lacked integrity and couldn’t be trusted. It was the hardest thing he’s ever done. Took him a long time to emotionally recover from that one, and even now I see a lingering streak of sadness.</p>
<p>Izzyj-
I take it from the rest of your post that your sibs are step-sibs. It still makes me shiver… just doesn’t feel right…</p>
<p>Dizzymom - I can see the problem when, as in your situation, the parents are not real happy about the choice of significant other. But I would definitely vote for your position – your son has to make his own mistakes. When parents in your situation try to talk some sense into their kid, it usually backfires. Your son is making his own choices.</p>
<p>My situation is somewhat different – while my d’s bf is not what I see as perfect future-husband material, he has a lot of redeeming qualities and I could deal with him and his family as in-laws if it had to come to that. </p>
<p>I do think it is a red flag when your son’s friends are coming to you to air their concerns about the gf isolating him… but at the same time I think they are wrong & immature to take that approach. They are looking at you as a parent-figure who is able to exercise control over your son – when the reality is that no parent ever had a chance at controlling their kid’s romantic choices. This girl is filling some sort of need in your son, even if it is hard to see what that is – your best hope is probably to remain open and positive and welcoming, so that your son feel comfortable about talking to you about the relationship. </p>
<p>FWIW, this really isn’t a problem/issue related to age – your son could just as easily meet a girl at college who presents the same set of issues (or worse). I think it is a red flag in any relationship when one of the partners seems especially clingy or demanding of the others’ time and attention, or seems to be driving a wedge between family and friends – and it can just as easily being the guy who does that as the girl. </p>
<p>The positive side is that your son may realize on his own that he doesn’t like the situation – and in the future, that may help guide him to make better choices. That’s what learning from mistakes is all about.</p>
<p>People,</p>
<p>Something in your story about your son reminds me of my own son. Perhaps the way in which he made himself completely vulnerable to the gf. I believe that the intensity of my son’s relationship will, however it ends, leave him with a similar streak of sadness. </p>
<p>Calmom – I have reminded my husband that by no means is this young woman the worst possible choice out there. He does understand that; it’s the power she seems to wield, and the way in which she wields it, that concerns him.</p>
<p>Dizzymom, </p>
<p>I know, believe me, I understand. It’s not the other person, it’s the dynamics between them that can be the concern. Other posters are correct, though - You can’t control the affairs of the heart. All you can do is be there for them if they need an ear, love them, and hope for the best. My son, though a bit sadder, has also grown much wiser and mature because of it. He’ll be just fine, as will your son. If nothing else, he has learned to really see people for what they are, instead of projecting onto them all the good qualities he wants to be there.</p>
<p>After six months of dating, D and her boyfriend, both freshmen at different colleges (3 hours apart) broke up over October break. They had a very nice relationship, but it was just too hard to maintain long distance.</p>
<p>My D ended things with her bf in October. He was a year older and had already been away since last January (joined the Navy and is now stationed out of state) so she got through her senior year alone but once she got settled in at college she realized that a 5+ yr long distance relationship wasn’t going to work. The have only seen each other 2 times since he left: once for emergency leave when his mother passed away last March and then 3 days ago, when he came by to pick up his things that had accumulated here. It was sad but I feel it’s for the best and D is now dating a boy from college.</p>
<p>
I disagree with the other poster who knocked the kids from coming to you. But I have to agree that there’s nothing really you can do to change things, even if its a slow-motion wreck. One characteristic of abusive relationships is the systematic cutting of ties to other people. But your husband has to keep in mind that one thing that could be keeping them together is his disapproval; how many of us know kids who’ll do something just to show they’re in charge? And the immaturity you pointed out has to contribute; girls are generally ahead of boys socially so he may be finding it difficult (as do many male frosh) to meet girls at school when they’re generally interested in the older boys. This girl may be a safety valve, and perhaps encouraging him to stay involved in activities at school where he’ll meet other people will give him the confidence to one day decide he wants someone different.</p>
<p>I am learning to not get too attached to gitrlfriends. My S found a new girl at college and it was a long difficult process(he is a sophomore) but he is with her now. His HS girlfriend was like a second D so it has been a lesson for me. We keep saying 30 is a good age to get married and hoping that it will remain somewhere in the back of our kids minds lol. I could say lots but my S would probably kill me so I will stop</p>
<p>Two of my Ds went away to college while still attached to hometown b/f’s. Another D, by mutual agreement, split up with hers prior to leaving. The first two, as well as ALL of their friends, had their relationships end before freshman year was out, most by Christmas break. Of all the kids I know, both personally and professionally, I can only think of one couple who dated in h/s, who remained together through all four years of college. I think it’s much more likely to have the other result.</p>
<p>arizonamom- I too learned the hard way not to get to attached to my Ds bf. He was like a son to us and she was like a daughter to his mom. So far my younger d doesn’t have anyone special and I’m just fine with that!
I thought I was crazy for being upset when they broke up, but when I was talking to friends many of them had the same reaction when their kids ended relationships with high school bfs or gfs.</p>
<p>I also have gotten attached to D’s bfs! It’s happend twice and now the joke is “don’t even introduce me until your engaged”! I don’t really mean that but I am glad any relationships will play out away at college instead of my living room!! :)</p>
<p>mladyd , actually it still plays out in your living room(despite which state they are from) for XMas breaks, summers, during visits to the school. We rarely see my S now without his girlfriend present. So I guess, love the one they’re with!</p>
<p>MikeMac – I have suggested to my husband that every time we weigh in with our disapproval, we prolong the relationship at least another six months. Maybe that’s why he didn’t give me any jewelry again this Christmas…</p>
<p>TAlk about getting attached to someone: My sister in law put her daughter’s boyfriend on our family tree! Can you believe it? My sister and I are sort of the family geneologists, and we took great exception to that, especially considering that he was a knucklehead. Fortunately, he broke up with my niece after about a year. I reminded my sister in law to get out her eraser and take him off…ha!</p>
<h1>1 son is still seeing his high school honey, much to the chagrin of his parents. They started dating towards the end of senior year and the thought of the looming separation (he went east coast, she stayed west coast) seemed to drive them together more tightly over the summer.</h1>
<p>The intensity of the relationship is very concerning and I question some of the decisions they have made in their over zealous desire to stay in touch. The phone minutes are ridiculous (time is the concern, negligible cost to the youngsters thanks to this mom’s generous cell phone plan). They must average a couple of hours a day, though son claims it doesn’t interfere with his life on campus. Excuse me, but how could that much phone time NOT impact his involvement on campus?</p>
<p>He spent his winter break with her, almost exclusively. Some friend time, but a small percentage overall. We saw very little of him, he was distant and quite selfish. Maybe this is normal for a college freshman, but it sure ticked off this mom. Younger siblings were ignored until it was pointed out to him that maybe he should make an effort. Too little, too late, though. I’m sure I committed the worst of parental sin’s and told him what I thought.</p>
<p>I have other concerns. $$ spent is one of them, as most of it is my son’s. Most of the inconvenience seems to fall on him, and I’m flabbergasted by what he is willing to do for her, and by what she is will to let him do! I see it as unhealthy, he thinks they have a “mature” relationship.</p>
<p>I know. He needs to live and learn, and nothing his dad or I say will change a thing, other than to almost guarantee to make things worse. Is the best I can do at this point is hope there is no long term harm done? In his heart, he knows his parents are ALWAYS going to be there for him. I guess that is all I can take comfort in at the moment. Letting go is NOT easy, is it?</p>
<p>I started dating my girlfriend during my sophomore year of high school.</p>
<p>I’ve since graduated from college, and we’re still happily together. It’s almost fun watching each other get fat and old.</p>
<p>Hey Dogwood,</p>
<p>Should we start a support group?</p>
<p>UCLAari – wait another 30 years…that’s when the old and fat fun really starts!</p>
<p>Yeah, well…true.</p>
<p>It’s funny, my girlfriend and I both attended the same community college and the same university (UCLA), but not at the same time. And I’m only 1 year older.</p>
<p>How? I took one year to transfer, 3 to graduate from UCLA. She took 3 to transfer (bio major, did lots of work and research at the CC) and will take 2 to graduate.</p>
<p>SIGH. And here I am now, in Japan. BTW, if she and I can handle being on opposite faces of the world, the East Coast/West Coast separation is NOTHING.</p>