How much advice do you give your children?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My daughter keeps asking advice. And frankly, I just do not have answers! I read here and try to see what others say, but at best, I just tell her that I read this or that, here, or on other sites, like news articles. </p>

<p>I feel like I am steering her wrong, and I would rather not be “steering” so much. </p>

<p>Amongst the millions of questions, she often asks about majors. Or college size. Recently, there was a race question (where would I even find an answer to that?)</p>

<p>She goes back and forth between just majoring in something she loves, to majoring in something super practical. She asks me advice and I tell her neither “feels” right to me, but she needs to decide for herself. I suggest she go to a school where she can double major and then specialize more in grad school. Later, she says she is sick of school, so, she just wants to get it done and get a job, so she will major in engineering. So I suggest she take a gap year. So, no, she just wants to get college over with. I know someone whose daughter took a job overseas after high school and loves it. Maybe that is the kind of break my daughter would like because she has loved studying French, and this girl went to her high school and then went to France. She now attends a university over there after having worked for a while. Apparently, my daughter knows 2 kids from her class who go over there to work every summer, but they have family. </p>

<p>But, well, she just wants to go to college and get it over with. I feel bad about it, like I have failed in helping her find a college she would like. </p>

<p>In case you are wondering about the race question…she is seeing someone who is a different race. She has been seeing him a while. Someone told her that he will likely break it off with her when he gets serious about a relationship, like finding a wife. Because his parents likely will not approve of him marrying outside his race/culture. I really like the boy, he is a neat guy. That is kind of sad that after seeing him for a couple years, he would break up with her over race. But I guess I can see how the parents might prefer their son marry in to their culture. So, if anyone has anything wise to say about that (and I already know time will tell, and not to even worry about it, but that was another question she was asking me when someone said this to her)</p>

<p>Ok, so I am waking up at 4am most mornings stressed over this. It is way more stressful than it was with my son. You would think it would have been the other way around. And I just do not have the answers to her questions.</p>

2

<p>She is 17 years old (I assume). Stop worrying about who she is going to marry, you are just making drama. Odds are good that one or the other will “Turkey Drop” their first year of college anyway if they are not on the same campus. Do not encourage her drama, either. Tell her that she is 17, the odds of this being a long lasting relationship aren’t too strong anyway, and that she should enjoy the moment with her bf. And stick to that line.</p>

<p>Based on past posts, it seems like you and your family yo-yo emotionally a lot. In our family we would take a pretty rational approach to this. This is what we did for D2 (based partly on the successful approach D1’s boyfriend took to picking his major). Your D does not have to decide now what to major in, but narrowing it down is helpful:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Get a copy of the Book of Majors (College Board publishes it, your GC or library may have a copy). Have your D go through with colored post-its (one color for “I would LOVE this major & job”, and another for “Maybe…”). See if there are patterns or specific areas that stand out. There probably will be.</p></li>
<li><p>Try to get her to narrow to 2 or 3 possible “areas” of interest. Then make sure she picks a college that offers majors in those areas.</p></li>
<li><p>When she gets to colleges, encourage her to take 2 classes in her top interests in the first 3 semesters. She will not have to declare a major until near the end of her second year, and that way she can try out the subject area. Two classes offsets the possibility of a great or terrible professor affecting her judgment.</p></li>
<li><p>She should spend time in the career office at her college discussing each major and what kind of internships and jobs those majors are getting. This should help her narrow her major. Maybe she can get an internship after freshman year related to one of them, although that can be tough for freshman.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Given your description, if I were you I would have her focus on her MAJOR. Adding in permutations of minors or double majors seems like it could confuse and distract her. Those are possibilities at some schools, and she may eventually decide to pick one up, but for someone who seems to be randomly casting about, I would focus in on a step by step approach like this to settle on a major.</p>

<p>Another benefit of this approach is that it helps her avoid the trap of thinking she has missed something and that some ‘perfect’ major or career might exist that she has not thought of.</p>

3

<p>lmkh, it sounds like you try hard to give your kids what they need. It is ok to tell them that you don’t know an answer to something, then steer them towards a person or website that may have the answer. Sometimes a person needs to learn how to find the answer on their own. A teen also needs to learn that mom and dad are not perfect and don’t know everything. So, instead of always finding the answer yourself, teach her how to find the answer for herself.</p>

<p>As far as the boyfriend and race thing, let that play out for itself. Does she know this boy’s parents very well? If so, she probably won’t be too surprised if a break up comes so that he can marry within his culture. When that time comes, you can help her through it by telling her that she deserves a man that will be a partner with her first, instead of listening to his parents first.</p>

4

<p>First of all, I would say it is great that she is talking to you and asking your advice, even if you are not able to give her the answers you think she needs. Sometimes what people need is a compassionate listener, and it’s great that you and she have this relationship. Sometimes there are no answers, but having you listen is a help.</p>

<p>For some students, it is normal to be asking these questions in college. I know I did- about what to do, study, and focus on. College is a period of growth. </p>

<p>You also want to encourage her to come to her own decisions, but it’s OK to ask for help. I agree that at some point, we, as parents, don’t have all the answers, but others are there to help. Most colleges have counseling/career centers that students can go to for advice.</p>

<p>It’s also OK that she finishes her major. I think for some students they think their major determines what they will do, but not everyone ends up employed in their major. She could work for a while after college, and then apply to grad school later. Majoring in something “practical” may be a financially good decision.</p>

<p>As to the race/culture question. It is also good that she is asking these questions now. We, in the US, tend to think that love conquers all, but different cultures have their own ideas about marriage. It would be naive to ignore the different social and cultural influences on marriages. This is not to say that mixed racial/cultural/religious marriages don’t work out- there are many that do-but culture is an influence on a couple to some extent. People can have their desires to raise their children within a culture/religion, what holidays to celebrate at home, and more- and can seek out a spouse who feels the same. Two people from different cultures can be equally great people, but marriage requires they have some similar life goals and values.</p>

<p>IMHO these things should be discussed openly and honestly, and if this young man truly prefers to marry within his culture, then she needs to know this. She should also consider what she wants to emphasize in her family life in the future. No matter who is dating who, two people are always different in some ways, and this may be the time in a relationship where they discuss these things. </p>

<p>I think your daughter is very normal to be asking about, and thinking about her future, and you, as her mother, have much to offer- a listening ear, and your support as she makes her own decisions.</p>

5

<p>His parents have been great. I am not stressing her about it. It is just something that came up at school, someone said something to her. </p>

<p>I do know that they are likely going to go their own ways once they go to college anyway as they will not be going to the same college. He is a multiple time legacy and his family are big donors to an Ivy League school, and she is not even considering the Ivy’s (and even if she did consider the Ivy Leagues, I do not think she could get in). </p>

<p>His parents are great. I really like them too. They have always included my daughter in everything. No issues there. </p>

<p>I think I will try that book of majors for her.</p>

6

<p>Kids do not need to know their major when they start college. It’s fine to be “undecided.” And even if she thought she knew what she wanted, there is a good chance she would change her mind once she got there.</p>

<p>What type of college appeals to her? Large or small, rural or urban, competitive or collaborative? The boyfriend’s choices or options should have nothing to do with hers. Has she visited any schools? Honestly, I think the best thing I have done with both my kids is gradually introduce them to the range of colleges by visiting a mix fairly close to home (we started doing this at the end of sophomore year with both of them). Having them sit through info sessions and walk around various campuses can be really eye-opening, and helps them start to focus on things they like and things they don’t.</p>

7

<p>My kids are still in high school and they often ask my opinion on decisions. I try not to tell them what to do. Instead, I try to focus on helping them go through the decision making process, mostly by going over the pros and cons of different decisions. My hope is that this helps them hone the ability to assess the situation and come to the best decision for them. Sometimes they do outright ask if I think they should do a certain thing and I will tell them one way or another what I think they should do, but I try to give my reasons for it and also address the alternatives. They don’t always do what I suggest. :slight_smile: I have noticed that one of my kids needs to talk over things more than the other one. </p>

<p>I don’t think it is unusual at all for high schoolers to start to feel burnt out about school. Many of them work their butts off in high school in order to get into college and then it might suddenly dawn on them that they are signing up for four more years of studies at and even harder level. </p>

<p>One year my son participated in a job shadow program including researching different areas within the field (he picked engineering ). He researched different levels of education and associated pay grades as well. This proved to be quite useful to him in narrowing down his career interests.</p>

8

<p>You should both look at the online Undergraduate Catalog of any college she might consider. Know what classes she would take for various majors. Sometimes looking at the complete menu, helps students decide.</p>

9

<p>High school is pretty young to consider marriage, so the relationship will likely take its course. I think one learns from every relationship/friendship and I don’t think it is too young to start talking about what is a healthy relationship- communication, honestly, values. If the young man decides that he wants to marry within his culture, that discussion, openly and honestly is a learning experience.
However, rather than focus on the boyfriend, I would want to steer the discussion to what your daughter wants. I don’t think young people that age necessarily know that well, but they can think about it. I’ve brought up some “red flags” to talk about- like what if one person wants children and the other doesn’t, disagreeing on what religion to raise the kids, and so on. We can’t choose who our kids date or marry, but I think we can encourage them to think about what is important to them.
The fact that someone brought it up, and it concerns your daughter, to me is an open door to learning about her boyfriend’s culture and discussion. This is not to provide an answer- there really is no one answer- but to start the process of thinking about what she wants for her future.</p>

10

<p>About the choice of major, the answer is, it depends. Some universities require you to apply to a specific major, or at least a specific school within the university. Some of those majors are harder to get admission to than others. And if you change your mind later, you may find that you can’t get into the major you want, or that switching later may mean an extra year to graduate. If your child is a 4.0 stellar student, this may not be such an issue, at least the admission aspect of it, but it might still not be possible at certain schools. If she is only applying to places where everyone is admitted to the university as a whole to take their gen eds and then chooses a college/major 2nd year, then no problem. Unless she has a lot of AP credit which the school accepts and is bypassing most of that, in which case she’ll want to start exploring various fields instead and needs to be sure she chooses a university that allows non-majors to take these intro classes. You mention engineering. This is something that it might be good to settle now since that is one of the majors that can be tough to get into and that also at many schools requires starting 1st year to be on track to graduate in 4 years. At some schools business and journalism can also be hard to get into. You might want to tell her this so she knows to spend time now thinking about whether she wants to be an engineer. It’s too bad to put that on a 17yo, but that is the way it is at a lot of schools. She could just apply to schools that leave more flexibility. I’m not sure that the desire to ‘just get it done and get a job’ is a good reason to choose a major, LOL.</p>

11

<p>Age 17? The joy of the discovery process would be something to emphasize. You’re going to college? How wonderful, so many interests to explore! So many people to meet. Who knows how any of those topics or people could steer her in directions she can’t even contemplate at this point. How wonderful for you to watch this process develop. It is fun to talk possibilities, and certainly do that with her. But keep it a little less heavy, if you can. </p>

<p>The future will unfold in it’s own due time. Put out good effort, stay open to the many possibilities offered by life, by a good school, and enjoy the process! Even if she does choose engineering, that is not written in stone as she takes the entry level classes. Many start in engineering, and veer in other directions in time.</p>