I’m not Jewish, but when I’ve been invited to a bar/ bat mitzvah in the past, I’ve given $50 (it is a kid after all). In discussing a friend’s kid’s upcoming event with another mutual friend, the mutual friend said that the going rate is much higher than that; more like $90 or $108. Also, I am aware of the multiples-of-eighteen tradition but should someone who is not Jewish follow that? It seems pretentious, somehow.
So, the question is: $50 or $100? Or the multiple of $18 equivalent?
(If it matters, the friend is a very dear friend, but her child is one of the most insufferable kids I’ve ever met. )
I know, but I’m curious to hear what other people give. It has been very helpful for me to learn how much more generous people are with wedding and shower gifts than I’ve been.
$54 is pretty standard for one kid attending another kid’s bar mitzvah. For an adult, in my experience, they gave more, (at least $75-100). In my area, bar mitzvahs are the quality and cost of a nice wedding. However, I do agree that it’s a gift - give what you feel comfortable with. 18 is the numerical value of the Hebrew word for life, so it’s a good luck gesture, not expected or necessary by any means.
I’m not Jewish but I dated a Jewish man for many years, many years ago. ( Haha. Sounds like “I’m not a doctor but played one.”) I remember that he was gifted a large amount of money for his bar mitzvah and told me most of his friends got even more. I understand that this is a rite of passage into manhood and the money is to help with things such as education, buying a house, etc. in the future.
I think in this day and age $50 is not really a large amount of money. I would give the $100 if you can afford it. And definitely if the parents are dear friends.
I would give $100 or if you want round up and make it divisible by 18. When my kids had them the gifts from the other kids ranged from $18 or a 20 dollar bill to much more. You could also give a non momentary gift. My S also received a lot of US Savings bonds. Another gift he got was shares of Disney and MCDonalds. He gets a few small dividend checks each year. Back in the day MCDonalds would also send a free item coupon with the annual report and he got a kick out of that.
Romani, I can tell you my kids didn’t get gifts like that! The typical gift to/from my kids’ friends was $18 or $36, depending on how well the kids knew each other. They got $100 from each set of grandparents. They got two shares each of Fed Ex stock from a neighbor who works there. S2 got several history books from friends. If DH and I knew the kid/parents well, we’d do $50-75. This was in 2003-2005, so adjust accordingly.
All that said, we didn’t have a big B/M shindig, which was unusual amongst their peers. My family, who isn’t Jewish, did not attend. Amongst D’s family, only his brother and dad attended. We were free to do what worked for us. S1 did not want to be the center of attention at a social event (though he was totally fine leading services) and asked to have something at home. We cooked; Weird Al movies and computer games ensued. S2 wanted to do the cooking for his party, have tag football, watch war movies and have an all-night Risk session. Also did that at home. He was really serious about his participation in the service and wanted that to be the important part. We did rent a large chocolate fountain and had it set up in the kitchen. Definitely a highlight as far as 13 yo boys are concerned!
When my kids were going to those parties, we were giving ~50 (it was 10 yrs ago). We went to few ourselves, and we gave between 100-200 depending on our friendship.
We live in a very Jewish area. My kids attended a public middle school which was about 70 perecent Jewish. Both of my girls went to about 100 ( yes that is One Hun-dred) bnai Mitzvahs from 6- th to 8 th grade. Here’s how the gift giving broke down
$18 was standard gift to most kids ( this was vast majority )
$36 to kids who they had a closer relationship with ( e.g camp friends, did exctracirricular and carpooled with) ( probably 10 people)
$54 close friends but who we were not friends with parents and thus not invited (4-6 people)
4)$ 118 kids not friends only husband and I invited (6 people)
$218 whole family was invited kids close friends with their child ( 3 people )
Haven’t been to one in ages because kids are all adults now. That generation in my family is starting the bar mitzvah circuit for us and first one is in May. I think I used to give $250 but think I need to up to $300 now.
Wowee kazowee! $300 for a kid! It is so interesting to me because giving large monetary gifts to children is not part of my family’s culture. My daughter is 21, and there hasn’t been a single occasion on which she’s gotten monetary gifts from extended family or family friends. We don’t give money for high school graduations, for example, and she didn’t get any. Her grandmother may give her $50 for her birthday but that’s about it.
Based on the feedback here, I think I’ll go with $100. Really appreciate the responses.
If it helps to shape the perspective, the bnai mitzvah money is generally held for the child’s future, not to spend immediately on fun stuff or high school purchases. I haven’t touched mine since I was 12, but plan to use it next year for the getting married and purchasing a home stage in my life (alright, renting).
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