I never consider money we decide to spend on my kid a bribe.
I donât get the dislike of the wedding. My wedding was really fun. The most important decision in a personâs life is choosing the right spouse. The reception is the celebration of that with your family and friends.
Iâm the recipient of the benefits of a wedding. My son flew home to attend a HSâs friendâs wedding in Miami. Two other boys came from the West coast for this beach wedding. Iâm pleased that a dozen years later, these kids remain close enough to make the effort to attend.
That said, when I met with my Fidelity adviser a week ago, he suggested I work until 70 and delay SS until then. When I mentioned I expected to help pay for a wedding, a down payment, plus Iâd be needing a new car, those factors shifted the formula significantly.
I have an account we opened this week that is saving outside a retirement fund for retirement, we max out all retirement savings. Itâs at usaa where we also have our checking, savings, etc. So when I log in for banking I canât help but see that too, itâs right in front of my face. I went on today and saw in 3 days I managed to lose $300. I know once regular amounts are put in I wonât be able to keep straight in my head how much weâre up or down, but for now itâs abundantly clear, that once again I managed to time it exactly wrong.
I think the objection is to an expensive wedding, that nobody can afford. Or that a large amount of money could be put to better use elsewhere, and an inexpensive wedding could be had.
I wouldnât have changed a single thing about our wedding. $4500 paid for the wedding, reception, bridesmaids dresses, wedding dress, and a week honeymoon in Aspen. Of course it was a long time ago, but is it really necessary to get the very best of everything like so many people desire? You can get âgood enoughâ for so much cheaper, and really, all you want is for it quickly to be over so you can leave on the honeymoon!
I allocated a total $150,000 for my D for college, a car and her wedding. She knew the numbers and we will make it work.
Sure it could have gone to a retirement account but we make choices in life.
Putting 150K in a retirement account, not to be drawn on for 45 years might provide a lot of money, but we expect our kids might go to college, drive a car, and get married before they retire!
I should have been more clear in my question. We have put money aside for our Dâs wedding. If she doesnât get married, weâll just move that money back into our general fund for us to enjoy. That may mean inviting the kids on a vacation, or just splurging on our own vacations. I agree with those who donât micromanage money to the kids. I would not âpay backâ our D for the expenses we incurred in our Sâs wedding, any more than I would cut her a check for the difference in the price of an entre if we took them out for dinner.
But the cash gift we gave our S and DIL is another matter. The gift was a material amount, intended to help them in a substantial way. But I ask myself, why should they get such a leg up for getting married, but our D gets no such thing, merely because she has made a different decision or maybe not had the opportunity to make a decision. Is a marriage morally superior such that the married child get lots of money, but a single life deserves no such consideration?
Those are the questions Iâm struggling with.
We have enough in designated accounts to finish paying for college, and we have purchased relativley inexpensive cars for two of the three. When we went to see a financial advisor, we had to give him some assumptions. I said assume we will give each of the kids 50K over time. I have no idea if that was a good number or not. We may help pay for grad school, but we wonât pay it all like we did undergrad. We figure weddings (Iâm in the lets not get ridiculous camp), possible help with down payment on house, whatever.
No.
@hayden, if D is financially responsible, I would gift the money but without any narrative relating the amount to the wedding gift.
While I hope to leave something to my kids, I canât help but think that for at least one of them, an inheritance when my W and I die will be pennies in the bucket, whereas it might be a life altering amount in the next 5-10 years.
I am not anti-wedding, and surely not anti-marriage. I think a wedding, with friends and family present, can be a nice thing. It can also lead to in-law squabbles that poison relationships, point out financial differences between the families, and the wedding often becomes an affair about anything but the two people directly involved. My neighbors, for example, had a lavish, low 6-digit wedding for their (now-divorced) daughter, and are still feeling the consequences of overspending.
No to the morally superior question, but I wouldnât give the money out until thereâs a life event that I deem warrants a big monetary gift. For example, if my kid wanted to buy a house or go to grad school I would be tempted to help. I might also consider helping fund retirement account, depending on circumstances.
Retirement accounts for kids in college - I am considering opening Roth IRAs up to the amount my kids made this year. How should I do this? What I mean by that is should I do it through Fidelity, for example, and just pick a high growth option? I donât want to just do it at the bank. You can probably tell That all of my retirement funds are in a managed fund.
I would also give her the money. The timing is up to you.
I do not consider marriage to be a morally superior choice to everything else one could do, and thatâs why I suggest making that money available for the daughter whether or not she gets married.
@1214mom,
I opened a Roth for S just a few days ago at Vanguard. Easy peasy. Since the amount doesnât meet minimum investment amounts for a 3-fund portfolio, we will invest in a Target Retirement account and let the fund rebalance and adjust over the next xx years.
He earned $4500 this past summer, which heâs using for pizza and beer money. DW and I will provide $4500 for the Roth.
DS just got an offer for a summer internship that will provide a corporate apartment and $20k for 10 weeks work (as a sophomore!!!). He will be able to fund his Roth by himself next year :). Btw, please note that Yaleâs much-maligned CS department apparently taught him enough to make him interesting to a company that doesn recruit at Yale ⊠yet.
@IxnayBob, thanks, and congrats. I wish my kids were getting those internships.
I will call Vanguard, or T. Rowe Price. Do people here have opinions about one vs the other? We live in MD, and thatâs where our 529s are, so they âfeelâ closer, but maybe Vanguard is a better choice?
Vanguard is unbeatable for low cost funds, although some organizations come close. They are not suitable for people who want a lot of hand holding, and they have no brick and mortar presence. But, if youâre going to deposit in a target retirement fund and leave it there for years (my recommendation), they are a great choice.
I agree with giving the kids the same amount of money, and the timing is up to you. But I do think the wedding should be referenced, otherwise kid #2 might think theyâll get the money and a wedding, if it ever comes, which was not your intention. It might be good to time it with a major event, like buying a house.
I was never one to compare what I got with my sister (very little, anyways), but many years ago, my sister asked my parents for 2K to buy a new stove. My parents decided it was only fair to give me the same amount. And the reality was, my sister and her husband had good jobs, and could have afforded to pay for that stove, though it would have been a challenge. Me and my husband had both been laid off, no job in sight, with a baby and a toddlerâŠand no money. We desperately needed that money, but we never would have asked. I never forgot that, and have gone overboard to be fair to our children.
My $ split between Vanguard and Fidelity. I opened a Roth for son at fidelity, cuz Iâm lazy and could walk in and talk. Son has taken over funding it for many years. I also began with a Target fund.
My parents offered me no financial advice or insurance advice. I hope Iâve done a better job with my son.