<p>@busdriver11 , you beat me to the defense of the secular couple. I have many flaws, but my abiding love for my wife is second to none. </p>
<p>Commitment and love, and poor choices/damaging behavior can happen anywhere, but if there are often not a lot of common things thought through by many couples who do not do enough marital preparation (discussing finances, family relationships, religion, children, etc) - there are many young ladies that get so caught up in the ring, the wedding, that the couple does not make it through the bumps in life.</p>
<p>It does help to be of the same faith - however some people draw couple strength from ‘us against the world’. I have a good friend that is married to an Atheist. Very difficult. Not sure if they will stay together after kids are through with college or when they enter retirement.</p>
<p>Yes many people of some faiths get married very young too, and have maybe not matured enough (knowing self, knowing spouse). Some people of some faiths look to hanging in on the second marriage, because they do not want to be twice divorced.</p>
<p>Both my DDs have expressed wanting a nice wedding - it won’t be a high stress/high cost extravaganza but it will be a church wedding and well planned.</p>
<p>DW and I were raised in different religions (Catholic/Jewish), but neither of us is religious at all. We just hit 25 years…</p>
<p>We’ve always been on the same page money-wise though. I think it makes things work a lot better when you share the same financial goals and philosophies.</p>
<p>"It does help to be of the same faith - however some people draw couple strength from ‘us against the world’. I have a good friend that is married to an Atheist. Very difficult. Not sure if they will stay together after kids are through with college or when they enter retirement.</p>
<p>Yes many people of some faiths get married very young too, and have maybe not matured enough (knowing self, knowing spouse). Some people of some faiths look to hanging in on the second marriage, because they do not want to be twice divorced."</p>
<p>I think it would be very workable to marry someone of a different religion (or no religion), as long as everyone respects the other person’s choice and doesn’t have a feeling of superiority or try to convert them. A religious person married to an atheist might work out just fine, as long as the atheist isn’t the vocal type who thinks religious people are idiots, or the religious spouse isn’t the, “Everyone is going to Hell except for those who believe exactly what I do,” type. I know both of these types quite well! There are people who manage to respect each other’s choices, and others who are tough to get along with. I hope your friends manage to work it out and respect the other one’s choices, as finding a person that believes exactly what you do doesn’t always trump decades of marriage.</p>
<p>As far as second marriages, unfortunately, I think the odds of getting divorced after having been divorced before, increase greatly. That would be very difficult to go through it again. </p>
<p>"@busdriver11 , you beat me to the defense of the secular couple. I have many flaws, but my abiding love for my wife is second to none."</p>
<p>That’s incredibly sweet, IxnayBob. I hope she reads this.</p>
<p>My husband and I have different religions but we are respectful of each other faith. However, we are not super religious at all. We did get married at a church and we raised our kids under H’s religion, we are not atheist, just not religious.</p>
<p>That’s true. They say the #1 reason for divorce is money. </p>
<p>I also overheard Suze Orman saying don’t have a traditional expensive wedding. Instead she suggested taking that money and put it down as a down payment for the couple’s home and then have the party at the house. What a really smart idea. Most of that money spent on the wedding would actually go towards the house and you would get to enjoy it forever. Smart!</p>
<p>Neither my H nor I was raised in a religious family, and we’ve been happily married for 40 years. Not everyone needs religion in their lives in order to have a happy, successful, and committed relationship. After reading so many threads on CC about disputes between families due to religious differences, I’m actually relieved that none of my Ds have ended up with very religious significant others.</p>
<p>I don’t like having to listen to Suze Orman for everything, if you can afford to spend the money, spend it, if not don’t . Just don’t borrow and spend big buck and that’s the problem. My husband and I had our wedding at a the only 5 stars hotel in our area overlooking the ocean, a small luxurious wedding, less than 75 people. We enjoyed it tremendously, we often looked back with fond memories, money well spent and we both paid for it. But we were both engineers earning high salaries and each of us already bought our own starter home by ourselves. </p>
<p>“I get flack for this when I mention it, but my kids will get 2x what I would have spent on a wedding if they have a small civil ceremony instead. My kids are honest, so they won’t “game” this offer. An informal party for friends and/or relatives is still within the spirit of the offer.”</p>
<p>Why? Sounds like a good idea to me. :)</p>
<p>@BunsenBurner, I guess people think I’m “bribing” my kids not to have a wedding. It seems perfectly reasonable to me. I will pay what I’m “expected” to for a wedding, but I want to encourage an alternative that I think makes more sense. I have seen a lot of strife and discord related to weddings; why would I wish any of that on my kids and their loved ones? </p>
<p>We’ll see what they pick when the time comes 
</p>
<p>Bob, are they both girls, if not why should you worry?</p>
<p>DrGoogle, part of two people marrying can be bringing the two cultures together, esp. if one of your daughters (assuming you have any) marry’s a groom from a culture where the bride’s parents pay. I would suggest that you consider in order to not get off on the wrong foot with the groom’s family that you at least offer to pay SOME of the expenses. I expect to pay some for my daughters, hope their dad will contribute some, possibly the groom’s family some (D1 will likely be marrying into a family more wealthy than ours, and I am guessing they will offer some), and the kids themselves will likely cover some (older D and her long-term BF both have nice jobs and good incomes). Having an attitude of “my culture, so the couple is stuck with it” isn’t going to endear you to your kid’s in-laws. </p>
<p>@Ixnaybob, bribing is exactly what you are doing. I have seen weddings go both ways, some are fine and some are not. Depends mostly on the couple and the behavior of the parents from what I can tell. If you offered them 1x the price of the wedding, then it is not a bribe. As soon as you put a premium on NOT having a wedding, then it becomes one. Wondering what your spouse thinks of this… it isn’t just your money, right?</p>
<p>intparent, I was just sort of half-kidding, of course I will give them some monetary gift, but I find it strange that the girl’s family was expected to pay and then the girl is expected to change the last name( which I did neither) in a first world country where there is a sort of gender equality, but that is a different topic altogether.</p>
<p>
I respectfully disagree, although I’m not sure that a bribe is the worst thing, even if it is a bribe. I’m not encouraging them to do anything illegal, immoral, or unethical; I’m encouraging them to do something I think is sensible. </p>
<p>Not only is it not “just my money,” one could argue (since I’m a SAHD) that it’s more hers than mine. However, we prefer to think of it as “our money.” She does not disagree with my offer, although if I were a betting man, I think when the time comes she would pay for the wedding and the cash bonus; she’s a softie. </p>
<p>
Nah, one of each. However, IRL, if my son were marrying someone whose family couldn’t well afford a wedding but who insisted on it nevertheless, I couldn’t just stand by and watch them make a bad financial decision without stepping up. I am a bit anti-wedding, but not heartless. I would be surprised at how traditional my son’s choice of spouse is, but if that’s who he loves, well then, high fives all around. </p>
<p>Suze Orman (openly gay person) and Dave Ramsey (openly Evangelical Christian) both agree (along with other statistics) that money is the #1 reason people divorce. It may be how one is selfish, or not enough is being made and someone has been use to a higher lifestyle under mom and dad’s roof, or too many loans/debt…maybe the strain of having a child, or losing a job, etc. Many bumps on the road to life. </p>
<p>How many of us have had bumps on the road, and carried on? Some carry on better with faith - it helps us/challenges us to be better people. This is NOT to say anything against anyone that views themselves as non-religious. Obviously people have different ways to navigate their lives.</p>
<p>The money gifts from our wedding added up to helping purchase some of the major appliances for our first home (we saved up a down payment in addition to having paid off H’s student loans in first year after graduating college) - mom delayed wedding to make the dresses etc after parents’ 25th wedding anniversary which bumped our wedding out! Wedding hoopla was important to the families, less so to H and me. When our DDs marry, it will be about them, not about us…</p>
<p>People in or out of a traditional faith may or may not take marriage vows seriously, or may have poor judgement on picking a spouse. I know H and I were sure of each other, and I hope my DDs will take vows with someone who does work out for them. Our faith is more involved than many Christian faiths, so it just is easier to have that in common if one can (especially as our faith is very important to us). Both our parents are examples of ‘in sickness and in health’ - sucking it up during the times when spouse is a royal PIA due to mental/physical illness. My dad and my MIL were/are great character examples. My one sister married a minister and she is also married 35 years; other siblings’ first marriages were with people outside our faith but were Christians - their marriages did not last - but it was not necessarily due to that one aspect; one second marriage failed, two are happily re-married. All those with failed marriages do not practice any faith now - they are Christians but not church goers. Active faith is important to one sis’s family and my family. The nieces/nephew from other siblings will have to navigate life w/o that foundation.</p>
<p>
What purpose did it serve to add these qualifiers in? They agree. The end. </p>
<p>
One of our “worries” is that the FDIL and her family would want to have a extravagant wedding and we could not afford it (after having paid for DS’s college and a part of professional school.)</p>
<p>Will this more likely be a potential “issue” when the SES of the families on two sides are very different and the groom and bride themselves have not started to work and therefore both of them can not contribute any? But if they wait to get married till their careers have been sort of established, they could be too “old.” So the families in either or both sides will have to chip in.</p>
<p>I may think too far ahead, as DS just started dating. I heard the girl has attended expensive private schools all the way, from the elementary school to grad school. This tells me that her family’s SES may be quite different from ours.</p>
<p>@jym626 the ‘qualifiers’ as you call it, is to point out that many have different views about many things but also have common ground. Some here on CC many not know one or the other - so I just added those facts in. I know on certain particulars, Suze and Dave do not agree on financials, but both agree on many general financial concepts. I like listening to them both, but do not agree 100% with either. </p>
<p>Just as one does not have to be of a particular faith to be a ‘good’ person. We can see examples all around us. </p>
<p>One of the highest compliments a friend recently gave me was saying that I am the first real Christian she has known of my faith (meaning she thought I was a good person and carried out what she thought a Christian should be like, not feeling that before with others of my faith).</p>
<p>@mcat2 I think the best thing to do is when DS and FDIL are engaged and have set a wedding date, to have dinner or a sit down with them and work with them on what you can or cannot contribute to their wedding. FDIL needs to rein-in her family. This should be two families coming together, not unrealistic financial expectations causing strain.</p>
<p>Others have pointed out on this thread that having the same faith or not may or may not lead to staying married. I totally agree, but have found it to be helpful in mine.</p>