If our DS ever gets married, we will very happily contribute to the celebration event!
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OK, I started a new thread. Be nice to me. 
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We told our girls early and often that we paid for college and not weddings. We did give them each a flat sum as a wedding gift that they could use as they chose, but it was not a lot â would have covered a modest dress, cake, and punch. Thatâs what we could do and they totally understood.
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Us too - weâll happily contribute the same to either celebration. Bring on the party!
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I think if people want to post on threads - but honestly, various decisions that come into âhow much do you think you need to retire? What ageâŠâ are appropriate on this thread. This thread tends to stimulate conversation on various topics (like how college expenses and choices made) has affected their financial position as they approach retirement.
Same thing with estate planning on this thread. Lessons learned by experience can be helpful for those on this thread in or planning retirement, and thinking on how to âclean upâ to make their estate transition go smoothly at death/disability/guardianship/etc.
My parents resided and remained in same location, so their estate planning was good and remained so over the years from dadâs early death (age 64) through momâs death from dementia at age 77. We had to challenge my younger brother to clean up his act or be taken off as co-executor (he and younger sister were local) - and his did (drug abuse/alcohol abuse).
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There is a thread on weddings â2016 and beyond wedding moms and dads (part 2)â. But I donât think it hurts to consider the costs in retirement planning if it is going to be a big line item â for example more than the costs of largest vacations someone takes over several years.
DD1/SIL got an infusion of cash from us, had cash-flowed what they desired. They had the wedding in their city. SILâs parents had been involved in his brotherâs wedding, so brought in some expertise on the hotel contract (which did help save quite a bit on that - it saved from some add-ons, and we were one of three wedding groups staying at this beautiful hotel). His parents also contributed to rehearsal dinner costs.
I only have sons and I thought the parents of the groom always covered the rehearsal dinner plus assistance, if in position to do so, with honeymoon costsâŠbut the wedding was covered by the brides family and could spend as much or as little as they like.
Agree 100%. DD1/SIL had a very classy wedding and easily could have cost a lot more - but DD1 had a lot of contacts in the city that she lived in for the prior 5 years and a lot of church connections that truly helped. The size of wedding guests was limited by the church hall - and as soon as they knew some away people couldnât come, were able to invite more of their local friends.
DD2 knows the score. If and when she gets married, she will have a nice event that her husband-to-be and she are in charge. She received a financial infusion at the time DD1 got married (we do the same for both children) - we as parents did not want to have any quibbling over inflation from 2017 wedding, and this was the best way to manage it. DD2 has had the same BF for 5 years.
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Get on the parents wedding thread mentioned. Lots of new and different ways of handling âmodernâ weddings.
I think thatâs traditional but every situation differs.
We paid for both for ourselves. My wifeâs parents had little money and were in assisted living. My dad bought our house a sofa and paid the honeymoon if I recall.
And a whole life of raising me and private college. He did well by me.
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We paid full pay for ShawSon and mostly for ShawD (one semester at a Canadian university that was almost free). We had largely saved for those. This was in our financial plan and we had filled up 529 plans for both and the kids left BA/MS/MBA and BSN/MSN debt free. ShawD is adding a certificate in psychiatric mental health to her MSN using the last of the money in the 529 plans. They are both saving (though ShawSonâs biggest asset are shares in the company he co-founded, which may either be worth a lot or nothing at the end of the day).
We had budgeted for ShawDâs wedding in our original financial plan but not ShawSonâs â but the world has changed in terms of paying for weddings. ShawSon got married and we kicked in some for that but the bulk was paid for by MIL, who is very attached to her farm and wants all her grandkids to be married there (we were the first to be married there 40 years ago). ShawD likely will also get married there, so our total wedding contributions will be smaller than budgeted.
Despite the high costs of full pay universities and a bit of private school and weddings, we only had two kids and, importantly, relative to our social milieu/friends, we were probably much more frugal. Relative to the world, we were probably still big spenders, but we moved to an exurb rather than stay in the city like our friends (real estate costs much lower and public schools for about 50% of the time). We took less elaborate vacations. We noticed that even in the less high-end neighborhood of the tony exurb we chose to buy in, our cars were older and our kids clothing less fancy than our neighbors, who for the most part made way less than me. And, because I am an entrepreneur, I had the leeway to do almost unlimited pre-tax savings. As we have gotten a lot more comfortable that we will be fine in retirement, we have gotten less frugal.
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âA son, a son, until he takes a wife. A daughter, a daughter, a daughter for lifeâ. Not always true, but an old saying.
Both SIL and BF are close to their families, and we are close to them. Since SILâs parents have health issues and a bit tighter on retirement budget than we are, we see family/grandkids a lot more and are more involved. We physically can be. SILâs parents do interface electronically and eventually may be living about 6 hoursâ drive from them (a drive for DD1/SIL to make not his parents) - his dad has advancing Parkinsonâs and his mother has her hands full â but they are delaying âthe big moveâ to assisted living near S1. I think they will have to be in crisis to be honest - it might happen in 2026 but if they can maintain until 2027 they will. We lived 100 miles away from DD1/SIL/grandkids until their move July 2023, and since then we have been with them two extended times (Christmas - New Yearâs also to cover childcare) and I have flown up for 5 weeks to be 2nd adult (3-week period and 2 -week period) while SIL was away, he was away for work and for helping his parents.
As soon as DD1/SIL purchase a home in their location, and with their approval, I am looking to move our primary residence there. It will be a few years down the road. Right now, I am awaiting to make my round-trip flight reservation to assist with spring break (affects older two Gkids) and birth of grandchild #5. SILâs parents have not been to their sonâs home in new city - but did see them at their other sonâs home which is 6 hours away from their S2. I should have the go-ahead to make my airline reservations in a few days. It was the return flight date that has been in question.
There are threads for weddings. This is not one of them. Please go back to the topic of the thread.
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It is good to revisit estate planning regularly. Having said that, Iâm relieved to say that my motherâs 30 year old paperwork (will, healthcare POA used to invoke LTC insurance, POA - never needed, living will - helpful insights to me but never used officially) was sufficient. However the will was intentionally simple (2 children, 50/50), and there was no real estate involved.
Something she and doctor felt was really important was CO MOST form - Medical Orders for Scope of Treatment. She kept a copy on her refrigerator (never used, but helpful insights to me), I assume other states have similar https://civhc.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/MOST-Form-2018.pdf
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That was similar to my philosophy. We paid quite a bit for college and starter car. One kid married, and we gave a fine amount, but not 10s of thousands for wedding. ETA this is kind of related to retirement, bc I was retired when kid got married and our finances are different than they were when we were fully employed.
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Unfortunately for our kid, he was born to parents sixteen years into working their retirement plan. He was an unexpected twist that sent us back to the planning table before he arrived. There was never any question that we would pay for the most education he could consume (any price anywhere), but, financially, our retirement goals trumped all else. He knew from the time he could wield his first lightsabre that there would be no car, wedding, house, phone, or any other supplemental funds from us. âYouâre six. Start saving.â He got the message.
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A little harsh for a six yo but you had your priorities clear and straight. When we got married, our retirement plan was not developed beyond making the maximum investment in my 403b but we got some cash gifts as wedding presents. I asked ShawWife if we could invest them for our kidsâ education. She was a bit incredulous. She said, âKids. Do you see any? I donâtâ and she did not see any role models of accomplished female artists who had kids. But I earmarked most of the cash in an account for kidsâ education. ShawSon did not arrive until six years later. Saving for education was our only other articulated priority other than maxxing out the 403b. We have been fortunate enough to be able to pay for other things as well, but our early priorities were clear.
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Iâm generally known for a bit of hyperbole on this board. 
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We didnât have a dime of money saved for college costs. BUT we did have a plan for paying college costs. The plan was that both of us would work until the last kid was done with collegeâŠand thatâs what we did. I worked full time for a year after that last tuition payment, plus over 10 years of leave position work (which in my field pays well).
We fully funded our retirement plans always. That was our number one priority.
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Unlike others, we just saved. We never earmarked savings for either college or retirement. We have always been low spenders - never bought a huge house (financed our smaller house with a 15 year mortgage), always bought new cars with cash which we drove to death, and went on modest vacations. When my daughter went to college we paid with savings and now in retirement we are living off of our savings. (Not yet collecting any pensions or taking out of any retirement plans).
I often say on this thread, not to only invest in retirement accounts (401, IRAs, Roths, etc.) Having money in non-dedicated accounts can give you flexibility on what and when you can spend it. (That being said, always finance up to your companyâs match level.)
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