Lot of different scenarios these days. But… gotta admin, tending to elderly parents and hanging with grandkids was easier when people didn’t move so much.
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One of the concerns I have (and I have a lot) would be forming relationships apart from D. We moved close to my parents and I’m realizing now how much of my life intersected with theirs. People have moved on and away and here I am. I need to work parttime, find new activities or I don’t know what.
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I am not in any way interested in being critical.
But this is what I’m afraid of. That my dil or my sil think this is what we are doing. There are reasons we don’t visit as much or make as big of an effort as the other grandparents. Distance, health concerns, and there are also other issues. I can only do so much. The rest of the time I feel extremely guilty that I’m going to become that parent.
I hear criticism all the time about our living situation. I could never live so far away. I will always be near my kids no matter where they live. I want to be a hands on grandparent. From neighbors, from family equally
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We did move close to D and SIL but there were a number of reasons for that.
- We lived 800 miles from where we grew up and did not have any family there. We did have friends, but half of them moved in the last few years.
- Even after 38 years in the DC area we were still “ midwestern “ people at heart.
- We really, really like the place they live.
- We did want to be close to where our grandchildren are.
- We wanted to be closer when we got older. ( my husband is currently dealing with a very serious health condition and it’s nice having them near).
- We were planning to downsize anyway.
I don’t think there is a right/wrong thing here. For us it made sense to move here, others may have reasons to stay where they are or move somewhere completely different.
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If you are doing what you think is best for your particular situation, then that’s what is best no matter what others say.
In our case, we never discussed it with our kids or our family. But when the kids were grown, H’s cousin made a comment about my in laws’ only other grandchild, calling him The Golden Child. We tried hard, visiting them several times a year. My in laws never called - it was always us calling them. Some things just are what they are.
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I don’t think you should feel guilty, but can understand why you do. I also find it interesting that your H probably does not feel guilty at all or like a bad parent, and he’s a major reason, if not the reason, why you aren’t moving.
People say ugly comments about everything all of the time. It’s definitely not the right thing to do.
And as an aside. I lived far away from both sets of grandparents. We never saw one side as my mom hated them. As kids we didn’t care, since the were stand offish and didn’t seem to like kids much.
The other side we saw maybe twice a year, but in my minds eye, they were the best grandparents ever. You could tell they loved us so much without ever saying so or showering us with lavish gifts. They did usually bring Hershey candy since they lived in Hershey and we thought that was the best thing ever. But you could just tell and feel their love. when we walked into the room, it was like the world stopped and angels started singing. They were awesome.
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Particular circumstances are what they are - and I don’t think we would even think about moving to DD1/SIL/Gkids’ city if the circumstances were not so compelling.
One can be happy where they are until circumstances perhaps change.
Young adults prior to having kids most often are fine with their parents not living near.
Moving is a financially costly and emotionally costly endeavor. When one does it by choice, a lot of thought and weighing out options takes place.
And as others have said on this thread, they have kids living geographically very far apart.
I do think ‘society’ has a lot more choices and options that are acceptable than ‘Ozzie and Harriet’ days. If your spouse and you feel good where you live, and your children/partners feel good, wider ‘social opinions’ to me don’t weigh in.
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While this subject is a bit off the topic I think it’s a part of retirement that comes up.
We lived across the country from all of my aunts, uncles and cousins. I think we visited them once and a few of them visited us a few times. I don’t know any of my numerous cousins. The cousins who were raised on the East coast grew up together. I vowed to do better. My kids know their cousins and spent time with them growing up.
We are lucky that two of our kids and three grandchildren live in our area. We raised our family here and while they might not stay we aren’t going anywhere. My husband would love to get our other child and her family here. If they can find jobs we have a rental they can move in.
Part of our investment plan was to have rentals that provided income but that also someday our kids could live in them.
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Having taken care of my parents (moreso dad after mom passed away) for 7 years, and then handling the estate, it was hard to be a plane ride away. But at least we were in the same time zone. Not sure what we will do with both kids and all grandkids on the other coast.
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My goal is $15 million. I’m only $14.9 million away.
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I think if parents feel like they may assistance from their children when they get older then it is upon them to live close to their kids. It is unreasonable to live in Fl or AZ and expect their children to visit frequently in order to take care of them.
My mom is 88. She used to live in NJ while I lived in NYC. It was fine for a while until she started to have some minor medical issues and she couldn’t do as much for herself at home. I told her that I couldn’t be meeting her at an emergency room regularly and I wasn’t going out to NJ every weekend. I moved her to NYC half a block from me. I can check up on her regularly and take care a lot of little things for her. Recently she fell and fractured her arm. If it weren’t for the fact that I was nearby, one of us would had to take time off to be with her for few weeks.
I live 45 minutes from my kids and I do enjoy spending time with them. It’s priceless for me to have my mom and my daughters nearby.
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So true. My father insisted on moving to an assisted living facility over 90 minutes from where I lived at the time. It meant visiting him was not easy. He knew it and it was his decision.
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Unless the kids live in FL or AZ. 
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Some people enjoy the heat. DH is one of them. But I’ve told him I have no intention of moving (from the Chicago area) to a warmer climate unless our kids settle someplace warmer and we’re requiring some of their assistance due to aging issues.
Note: I had my parents move closer to us (5 min drive vs an hr) in their 80s. It was truly a godsend.
I shared this with DH to support my stance.
https://www.npr.org/2025/03/17/nx-s1-5325273/heat-accelerates-aging-new-study-finds
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Ray Dalio is the former CEO (and founder?) of a very successful hedge fund (Bridgewater) and a big picture thinker. He is retired from Bridgewater and devoted to thinking about what governments should do as he has predicted a major change in the economic order for a few years (and it is now happening). Here is a link to his latest missive on LinkedIn:
I wonder if this implies that we should add to holdings in gold and/or invest in bitcoin?
“Ray Dalio, the billionaire founder of hedge-fund giant Bridgewater Associates, warning that the U.S. could soon face a full-blown debt crisis”
Dalio believes fixed income bonds like US Treasuries and those that trade in relation to them like Municipal bonds are extremely vulnerable to a “debt death spiral”.
Specific to Municipal Bonds, possible changes to their tax exempt status is gaining momentum…
If this happens, muni bond funds and individual bonds on the secondary market are going to collapse. Municipalities will have to raise property taxes and anyone who has long term bonds will suffer huge losses as they’ll have to sell at a huge discount or hold them to maturity hoping the municipalities wont default.
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One cannot predict what will happen with people’s careers and where they will go - some also is determined on who they marry and then it continues to get complicated.
As we get older, we can of course predict our bodies and minds will ‘fall apart’ - some have slower progression on these two areas.
Dealing with the here and now, and also the near future. Making big decisions like relocating in retirement.
Some of our local friends have children that have married and have children locally. Some newer friends have relocated here because their children and grandchildren are here.
Our DD1 that is married with 5 children (oldest turning 7 on Friday) and works her needed FT career can really use us in their city - a win/win for us to have the time to help nurture the grandchildren and spend time with them. Single DD2 (no children) can visit (one airplane flight) and we can visit her as well. The ‘shoe will drop’ when her DH transitions from his current Army commitment to FT work in their city. SIL’s parents are planning to move to his brother’s city, which is 6 hours’ drive between the two brothers.
Always easier with older parents being in the same city. It will definitely be a transition period, not only with the house, but also our health care providers. Switching a lot of priorities to focus on the key family priority.
As DH and I approach 70 (next year), our hope is to have mind and body continue to ‘hold up’ so we can be helpful to our DD1/SIL’s family.
It seems both DDs are ‘established’ in their cities. As much as we like our climate, our home, our community, the area we have lived in the majority of our lives (and majority of our career lives), things are pointing us to a big move. But the shoe has to drop first.
The costly part of the move (and a consideration for retirement) is selling our home and purchasing ‘the right one’ in new city - and I do expect we will have a significant six figure difference with the house (and get a ‘lesser’ home). I anticipate similar fixed and variable living costs.
As I have said in other posts on CC, we have definitely made sure DD1/SIL want us to live in their city.
I met with my FA earlier this week. I was happy to see my account was stable. No decline, thanks to a balanced portfolio. We decided to sell some stock that had been gifted to us and moved some assets into bonds, but are otherwise staying the course. I had thought about doing some part time work and reducing my distribution, but I was told I should only do that if I really wanted to - not because I had to. I’ll turn 62 in the fall and will start taking SS then. That makes sense for our personal situation. It will cover the cost of my health insurance and a bit more. House is completely updated, no debt or mortgage, not a lot of expenses. I feel pretty comfortable with things.
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I still am flummoxed on what the right thing to do with my 401K is right now. It used to seem so clear, as we didn’t really need to withdraw funds for retirement unless we wanted to, due to having pensions. Now I’m looking at the future, a potential fiscal mess and worldwide recession. In my 401K, I’m almost totally invested in equity index or equity based mutual funds. My husband was also, but in the last month he has rearranged his 401K to put 20% in govt money market funds.
I’m very tempted to move some into govt money markets, but now I don’t have faith in the US government at all. Hard to believe I’m saying that. So are govt money market funds even safe anymore? My 401K doesn’t have an option for actual cash, it’s just a choice of two govt money market funds.
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