We’re in the new spouse situation with my dad. My mother died a decade ago, and my father remarried (a widow with children and grandchildren). He has poured a lot of resources into the new wife (who is nice enough) including buying her expensive real estate in her name. This has the effect of transferring his money to her estate. I guess it’s his property to do with as he likes, but I’m not sure he thought it through.
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I’d be annoyed. Possibly he’s trying to shield the property from eventual Medicaid criteria, but don’t think it would work.
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She probably did though
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Time will tell if dad and his wife will have a life-long relationship and care ‘in sickness and in health’. They may have done this with the thoughts of when each one passes, they have the estate already split. And depending on their ages and health, if each could care for each other (or have help come in) to be able to live in declining years ‘at home’.
What is done is done.
A widow/widower situation may be a long time and loving relationship (long time like relationship too). Some does depend on children/grandchildren and if there is ‘interference’ or problems/financial draining and neediness.
Some also depends on how each side of the family handles debilitating parent and stepparent. Debilitation can drain finances quickly if needing to be in a facility, assisted living or skilled care – being on parents caring for parents CC thread can see how high these costs can be. Then it is the time for spouse, children/grandchildren to assist in lining up and overseeing the care needed with debilitation.
Reminds me of ‘fair-weather friends’ - and fair-weather marriages.
Friend just returned from a wedding of a couple who are in their early 70’s - he is widowed, and she has been divorced for a long time (she has a pension); he is ‘comfortable’ financially and they have clicked/dated for long enough to go in for a lasting marriage, in sickness and in health.
Many on this thread may have deceased parents by the time they retire. Some may have parents that have navigated life and also had a long life with financial stability. Those experiences do come into play when one is thinking ‘how much do I need to retire, and at what age’.
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My FIL died close to 25 years ago and after a few years, my MIL began a relationship with a wonderful man whose wife had passed after a long illness. He was an internationally known medical researcher and a wonderful human being. While he had assets, my MIL had significantly more. They decided not to get married so as not to create any issues with their respective estates. They were together for 15 years until he died.
Two consequences of her decision not to marry that were probably unforseen.
- When he was dying, his sons were dismissive of all of the work my 90 yo MIL was doing. He needed much more help to deal with his basic functions and the sons kept insisting that the person(s) to be hired was to help my MIL with her own things (which was not true as she already had that kind of help). She was already paying for a fair bit of help – and he was living in her houses. If they were married, perhaps she and the sons might have looked at it differently.
- They were somewhat dismissive of his relationship as he was dying, at his funeral and afterwards. They might have done that if they had married, but I’d guess they would have been more supportive/accepting.
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Or they could just be jerks who expect others to do more for them.
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Exactly. If two grown a** men can find value in their dad’s 15 year relationship which made him happy, and allowed them to do their thing with their own families…
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There are some people that want to skate by w/o involvement - including financial involvement. Also, some of the choices for care, they just don’t value certain things and instead keeping costs down – even if there is plenty of money.
You know what’s a little depressing? Realizing that we’re getting old enough where the math on when to take SS really doesn’t matter much at this point! 
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We need some activity in this thread.
With my father’s death, there’s an inheritance. (Not life-changing, but comfortable). Yesterday, I was able to divide an account and sent wires to my brothers’ accounts. And my share to another account.
D2 was looking at furniture last evening and one piece went on my credit card. D1 will get the same amount added to her account for her next house project.
I’m retiring 6/30 and I have a social security (in person) meeting on June 9th.
This is a bit disjointed… but I’m also sad about my father’s finances. He made some risky investments in retirement and now, looking at his paperwork, I can see those choices and their impacts. He didn’t die destitute and he was miles ahead of his impoverished childhood, yet seeing the highs and lows on paper makes me sad.
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Try not to be, especially if his choices didn’t leave him in dire straits. Though my dad grew up in poverty, too, he became a banker, making it to the C-suite before he retired. You’d think he’d have picked up a thing or two about investing along the way, but my brother and I have clearly learned by observation that banking ≠ investing. Dad has always managed his own money and refuses any advice from us or anyone else. He is risk averse, doesn’t really understand the market, and has kept his money in too small a basket, not much diversity. Ergo, his pile has fluctuated wildly and now, at 89, he worries a lot about money. He won’t die destitute either, but he is suffering the consequences of his decisions.
That he could have had a more secure and comfortable life is not my concern. If there’s little left at the end due to those unnecessary highs and lows, oh well, again not my issue.
You feel sad enough that your dad is gone, don’t burden yourself with his choices, too.
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My parents were married young and had 6 kids. I feel like they were always fiscally responsible, and I think pretty conservative investors (I don’t think they had all that much to invest with all those kids!) They had a comfortable life (middle/upper class) and had no major incidents/disasters that impacted them financially.
As we kids started to help get their legal and financial stuff updated (when they were in their mid-80s) we learned they had a $250k in CDs making 0.03%! They just kinda of stopped paying attention.
It is just dad now (88) and he is worth 2 million. Not quite half was their real estate - they stayed in their primary home for almost 60 years (worth more than 20 times what they paid for it) and a vacation home that has tripled in value.
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I think there is a lesson for all of us in the stories of dads.
My fil had little risk tolerance. The only diversity he had came from the very few stocks he inherited from his own parents. Most everything else was in bank CDs. Don’t think he shopped rates much either. He liked the easy and safe button. Some annuities that he clearly did not understand. Just not the best understanding/choices.
My husband is no investing wiz, but he is a CPA and has been an exec in finance for a large company. He has definitely been able to safely and age-appropriately increase his mom’s returns from her resources (not a massive amount but, “enough”) since fil died.
What is the lesson? Our children may be smarter than we are. This could be in any number of areas.
But my fil would have never asked for advice (certainly not from his children) on anything. As our adult children come into their own we might be wise to seek their counsel. Not only might they know more in certain areas than we do, but also we may be set in ways in aspects of life that could be improved by their knowledge, insights, and areas of expertise. Asking our adult kids for silly tech help is fine, but seeking their counsel on weightier issues is a great way to show respect and admiration. Not saying anyone doesn’t do that, but I think it can be hard to step out of the mindset that, “I am the parent, therefore I always know best.”
Stepping off my soapbox now.
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I love this. So true.
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Has anybody kept ancient 401k statements?
Currently on my dining room table I have sorted piles from 2 huge binders. Some was easy to put into the recycle pile - mostly the newsletters (may keep one or two for posterity). Some was easy shred put into the shred pile (the quarterly statements, except Q4/December; rebalance receipt etc). And honestly the rest will probably go the shred pile once we are done. We’ve been getting electronic statements for 20+ years, and my husband actually has a nice investment spreadsheet going back about as far. Just thought it would be fun to capture the early years in the spreadsheet, remind ourselves that we made some good decisions long ago to priortitize 401k savings.
Shred away- I am happy that a local bank will be hosting a shredding event next weekend. All set with my bags of stuff.
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No 
I’d send them into a shredder.
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My brothers and I felt the same way looking through our dad’s finances after he died. He also made some risky investments, and while he wasn’t poor at the end, I imagine he was concerned about how long his money would last. It made me sad, although it shouldn’t have … he wasn’t in danger of being out on the street, and he was able to buy anything he needed. I guess I just wish he’d had more breathing room. As it was, though, he died within a month of turning 83, so he still had money left.
His situation has informed my own investments. My dad’s big loss happened in 2007 or 2008, when things were not going well in the overall economy. I am much more diversified than he was, and I have a financial advisor to help me through turbulent times.
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The “long ago” part is key in saving, and I preach that to “kids” whenever I can. I tell them all “make sure you contribute up to your company match especially” - nowhere else will get you a 100% “guaranteed return” on your investment.
It is interesting to check out old statements and see how fast it grew, once there was a substantial pile. BUT, I have to remind myself that the last several years have had great returns we might not see very often/again.
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Honestly…my parents had enough money for their needs. That was all that was important to us.
I hope our kids aren’t disappointed with our money situation when we die. Our goal is to use our accumulated assets for our own needs. We are gifting our kids things now. When we are both gone…there probably won’t be much left, and I hope they don’t second guess our investment strategies.
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