^^^Yep, definitely “family business.”
“If FIL dies first and MIL has dementia, I think this will end up in court. Good luck.”
Hopefully it wont come to that, but I have no idea how we will take care of my MIL if my FIL doesn’t get his act together soon. There will be plenty of money to do it but without the legal stuff in place will be fricking clusterfillintheblank. She will not be able to stay in the house - as it is we are nervous she will burn it down. She can’t cook anymore either. They did just sign up for meals on wheels but that is only a meal a day. She also doesn’t take her meds and my FIL is too weak from the pneumonia to take care of her properly. My BIL and SIL have even offered to have them live with them in Florida. He will even build a new house to accommodate them. To make matters worse, my MIL has a 92 yr old never married sister who is still in her house, which was their parents house, and my MIL owns half and is her power of attorney. The sister also has several years investment accounts. She has nothing set up either. She has been housebound for several years but refuses even an aide. My BIL stops in and checks on her and buys her groceries and my FIL pays her bills on the joint checking account she has with my MIL.
It’s a disaster in the making and gets worse with each crises.
I know my mom’s income, since I filed our FAFSA. Previously, I knew a range, not an exact number.
We have virtually no savings for my college, since we’re low-income. She’s working hard to change this, although I’m almost done with senior year.
I don’t know too much about my dad’s finances, since I rarely see him. I know he’s well-off, but did lose some money he invested. I don’t know much about how much he’ll contribute to college, although legally, he’s supposed to pay half of everything.
I will get quite a bit of money when he dies, because he’s in the chemical worker’s union.
Our boys (22 and 25) know everything about our finances and know they will never have to support us in any way, shape or form. We have always been very open with them about everything, including our financial situation (net worth, annual income, life insurance, etc, etc). Of course, as someone already mentioned, real estate values are public knowledge and given where we live and own a vacation house, it is also very obvious.
I can’t imagine NOT sharing this info with them. There is no one on this planet we trust more than our sons and because everything will eventually go to them we feel it is absolutely their business too.
H and I also know everything about our own parent’s finances as well.
Interesting to read about different family dynamics.
Seems like affluent people who share all information with their kids (including details of life insurance, wills, etc.) often end up on Forensic Files.
Just kidding. 
@Nrdsb4 - LOL. That is actually a running joke in our family…remember the Menendez brothers 
^^^^I was actually thinking of them specifically, ha ha.
@emilybee - (((((hugs))))) to you and your H’s family! I think really old people feel stuck. The time to make changes is when you’re still physically and mentally able and energetic, maybe in your 70’s. I hope the oldsters see reason soon before anything tragic happens.
“They did just sign up for meals on wheels but that is only a meal a day.”
@emilybee Since they have some assets, can they be convinced to get a home chef to come in once a week to make a week’s worth of meals for them to have in the fridge to heat up?
Also, where is the “Better Call Saul” guy when you need him? He’s good with old folks and could convince them to do the legal stuff.
^ they don’t like “strangers” in the house. That’s why we can’t even get them to get even hire a companion aide for a few hours a week for my MIL. - someone to take her to the store and the hair dresser, drs appt (which is their social life.) That’s how my FIL relapsed twice with pneumonia. She had him dragging her all over after only two weeks. My BIL and SIL finally had to come up to Syracuse from Florida for all of January to take care of her so he could get the rest he needed. BIL can work from anywhere but it’s unrealistic for them to come up everytime there is a crises. However, they have done it twice so far so I think part of inlaws delay in getting help is because they think that son will drop everything and come. He has done it twice so far. H cannot leave his job to do it and the third brother who lives in Syracuse they don’t really like or trust (doesn’t have anything to do with financial things - just that they think he is incompetent at everything.) BIL tried to get them to take lots of concrete actions while there but came up empty.
I told H awhile ago that he and his brothers together have to sit them down and tell them they have no choice in matters anymore and this us how it’s going to be. Still waiting. Sigh,
Hahahaha! Good one!
Seriously, 2 of my FIL’s DIL’s just spent the afternoon filling trash bins with the junk from his house. Oldest son has POA, but I’m the only one that reads or understands the financial statements. Did FIL’s taxes. Just took a call from middle son about locating MIL’s death certificate.
If you think you shouldn’t know about your parents’ or in-laws’ finances until they die, start reading about Medicaid and nursing home costs. Then think again.
I’m open with my son about finances, since that does effect his life.
It is, but the alternative is no better, imo. They’re both strong willed control freaks, and highly educated, and would not take kindly to us making any sort of suggestions about how they should be cared for in their dotage.
It is what it is, and we’ll deal with it if/when it happens, with the focus on putting family harmony first and money a distant second. If younger brother wants to re-write the will to give himself all the money (he wouldn’t, but as a worst-case scenario), we wouldn’t care. It’s not worth the misery it would cause to contest it.
We’ll just do our best to be helpful and supportive in whatever capacity they need that does not impinge on our happiness (ie I will not be giving my father in law sponge baths), and take it one day at a time if it comes to that.
There’s no point in borrowing trouble.
There is no good way of helping elders with finances unless they allow it. It stirs up a lot of ill will if one tries to do so and does not seem to venting much positive. We were fortunate that H took over paying his folks bills in his 49s and just remained in charge until he passed the dad’s bills off to his sister when the dad moved in with her.
My folks are still competent and handling their finances as they prefer. They have some things in place with two of my brothers but only share what they choose to. It’s messy and less than ideal, but gentle attempts to have conversations and share info have been strongly rebuffed. I have backed off and will quietly wait and see.
^^Yes.
My father-in-law engages in large cash transactions, because he’s laying the groundwork for covering his tracks in case he or my mother-in-law goes into a nursing home; it seems that he plans to fraudulently apply for Medicaid. Worst-case scenario, and my husband and his siblings are being drawn in, too.
^^How do you know this? Are you his mule? Seriously, either butt out or turn him in. Why would you torture yourself with this information? If someone I know is doing something that’s going to blow back on me and harm me or my family, I’d take him down (legally).
@rosered55, you can’t control what your FIL does, but you can control what you do. I wouldn’t bother trying to turn him in to anyone, because you can’t really know what exactly he is doing and how much is just being a blowhard. But you can absolutely refuse to take part in his schemes or cover for him. If your husband is taking part, you need to speak to an attorney to protect yourself.
I would appreciate more thoughtful comments. The situation stinks. I’m getting a divorce, after 31 years of marriage. I’m considered expendable but my FIL’s desire to cheat the government isn’t.