How much do your teens do for themselves?

Parent Cafe
21

<p>My S, a HS sophomore, has done his laundry since coming home from summer camp when he was 12. I showed him how to do laundry before he left (we did it together in a laundromat, since he would be using similar machines at camp). I’ll sometimes do some of his if I’m washing stuff anyway and have room in my load, but overall, his clothes are his responsibility.</p>

<p>He is supposed to cook dinner for the family about once a month, and that’s just so he learns how. He knows how to bake a cake and brownies, he vacuums sometimes (under duress) and is responsible for clearing the table after meals.</p>

<p>I would like to make him responsible for cleaning up after dinner, but my husband does most of the cooking, and is such an incredibly messy cook that <em>I</em> don’t like facing the mess, and think that handing it over to S would be just too mean!</p>

<p>(Maybe I’ll make him responsible for cleaning up after dinner when I cook; I’m not the cook H is, but I’m much tidier when I do pull a meal together.)</p>

<p>S has good personal hygiene; had a roommate at summer camp that first year when he was 12 who didn’t shower the entire three weeks, so he knew from personal experience that was a bad bad thing to do to others!</p>

<p>He doesn’t know how to clean a bathroom (at least, I have seen no evidence that he does, and that will be corrected this school year). His room is a mess. In addition to his room being a mess, it still has the stenciling I did on the wall where his crib was (balloons and bears), and the curtains and duvet cover are once I bought when he was six! I think he needs a more adult – or more teenaged – room, but he is not at all interested in redoing it.</p>

<p>He knows how to patch fist-sized holes in drywall and has learned how to replace an interior door.</p>

22

<p>Kids are smart, they won’t do any non pleasant, much less unpleasant, task unless forced to. </p>

<p>During son’s HS years I went from not folding, turning things right side out to not taking his load upstairs to not doing his laundry. Until this summer I still did his sheets every 2-3 weeks when I did ours, this summer after 2 years in the dorm I finally did his sheets once when he finally did his laundry for the second time. I throw his towels in my weekly load. After about 2 days of his clean laundry still in/on top of the dryer I put it all on the laundry room closet floor the first time. He came down for clean clothes every day … the last time I took his empty laundry hamper (all clothes in his room on his floor) and filled it because there wasn’t room on top of the washer and dryer. Of course I had given several reminders- getting him to move it happened when I shouted that any of his clothes still in the laundry room by (half hour) would not be put in the closet (I was tired of seeing them every time I opened it) but dumped in the garage. The poor dog’s tail was down… things went to his room… He did keep up on his personal hygiene (plenty of hot water used).</p>

<p>In past years I would clean his room when I cleaned house but this year they will get done after he moves out- he knows where the cleaning supplies are.</p>

<p>It is hard to “make” a teenager do things to help others. To make them do things for themselves you have to ignore their messes, not cater to their eratic eating habits by doing the cooking only when you plan meals… It is frustrating when you as a mother have the time to do the work but know you have to put up with messes and refrain from doing the cleanup for him. </p>

<p>Lawn mowing- sometimes I do it for the exercise. One problem with college kids who are only home for breaks and the summer is that they no longer are invested (ie they don’t care) in the childhood home. You also get used to doing things without them available to help so you have reworked tasks to be done by others/yourself.</p>

<p>Sometimes it takes a conscience effort and is less convenient to have him manage his own affairs, but just like when they were little and had to learn to eat, bathe and dress “all by themselves” you have to allow them to grow into all of the adult tasks. You pick and choose based on importance/priorities- I finally made his dental appointment when he never got around to it himself and let him accumulate and pay his overdue libary fines.</p>

<p>The short answer- not enough!</p>

23

<p>It’s harder too when you have two parents on different pages. My spouse does most of the household chores here. Our kids do very little. When spouse is away, though, our kids do everything for themselves without being asked. They are usually very happy to have spouse return home! I used to criticize but I’ve stopped. It’s not for me to decide what works for another perfectly competent adullt. I don’t let it bother me anymore.</p>

24

<p>Do his future wife a favor and start expecting more. Is it easier to just do things myself? Sure. does it look better when I’m done? Yeah. But continuing to do everything for them doesn’t do them any favors in the long run.</p>

<p>Both boys (16 and 13) can do laundry. How often they do it depends on circumstances (this week I did one load and they did two). They can cook simple meals, like quesadillas, fish sticks, goulash and have been making their own school lunches since they were in kindergarten. They clear the table after dinner, take out trash/recycling/compost and do various chores when asked, like vacuum and clean their bathrooms. Their rooms aren’t a disaster, but I sure couldn’t live in such disarray. I just get on them about once a month to pick it up. And, yuck, they would never be allowed to eat in their rooms!</p>

25

<p>Owlice you made me laugh. Our son also has his little kid decor at age 21 and could care less. He also has learned the fine art of repairing holes in the wall, mostly early teens before he adjusted to hormones. At age 8 our kids got money to buy lunch everyday (one job I hate) if they didn’t like the menu they made their own. Son who is a picky eater and lazy bought lunch everyday daughter who will eat almost anything made hers. Both did laundry starting in middle school not to my standards but it got washed and dried. Our son never folded, he had one pile of clean clothes and the rest of his floor was covered with dirty and I tried not to think about how often the two intermingled. He is very clean about his personal hygine he just put wrinkley clothes on his clean self. They both did various chores but never willingly. I never cleaned their rooms during high school but they had to keep their doors closed. OP no you are not a bad mom we all do what we think is best. I always felt guilty that I didn’t make their beds and lunches but either way it sounds like the parents here had mixed results mostly leaning toward slobdom. Please do not even think about college boys sheets just throw them out at the end of each semester, you will thank me for that tip. At this point I would teach him to do laundry so he knows how, but its more important to enjoy his senior year its a sweet time and goes way to fast.</p>

26

<p>I was never picky about bedmaking, but my sister-in-law was a fanatic. She would not let her kids have a bite to eat in the morning until their beds were made. They had a young relative staying with them one summer. He had a hard time adjusting to that particular house rule and did sometimes get out of the house with out making the bed. So SIL resorted to stripping the bed every time, running the sheets through the wash, and leaving them on the bed for him to make from scratch. She would just say, “Oh, I thought you must have wanted your sheets washed, since I couldn’t think of any other reason you would leave your bed unmade.” I think he got into the bedmaking habit fairly quickly.</p>

27

<p>^^funny…our dog used to always get on the kids’ beds to sleep as soon they left for school. Dog sheds a lot and kids always had a bedspread covered in black dog hair. After a few experiments, we discovered that the dog would not get on the bed if it was unmade and messy but hopped right up there if it was smooth and neat. That was the end of the bedmaking for my boys. I’m sure they used some sort of dog psychology to get it to work out like that,lol. </p>

<p>The funny thing is that after the oldest went to college, the dog never got on his (made) bed again. Dog has been sleeping in S2’s room for years. It will be interesting to see what happens when S2 goes to college this weekend.</p>

28

<p>Each summer I had a goal to teach my boys certain life skills (many I got from a post on CC) how to do laundry, fold laundry (they do put it away). They are twins and still are in the same bedroom (by choice) and share a bathroom. My husband is the neat freak here- so they learned early on to keep a clean room, they have a homework room though which is often a disaster! I had them make menus and grocery shop one year, the following year we had to give them a budget for that project. Both my boys were gone this summer and had laundry service- so they still had to put it away but at least it was clean and folded. They don’t do a lot around here but they are always willing to help when asked and will jump in with table setting if they are around. I am home all day, between school and all that is expected of them, I would rather know that they got to have 30 minutes of down time. They are spoiled in that way but so is my husband. I’ll see if I can find a link to that old thread. They also haven’t abused it yet- but there bathroom is always gross!!! It’s about time I get them aquainted with that job!!!</p>

29

<p>When they were in junior high, my two kids started doing their own laundry and 6 nights a week they either take out trash or do the dishes. We used to have a lot of arguments about whose turn it was do dishes (more work than trash) when we alternated nights – that ended when I put them on assigned days (i.e., S does dishes Mon-Wed-Fri., D trash on those days). Unfortunately this schedule means on Sunday, I cook and do dishes/trash (unless H cooks). I must admit, though, during the school year, if they have a heavy homework/EC load, and I am not working late, I often do these chores for them…not so in the summer! They also cook their own basic meals (frozen pizza, mac n cheese) for all summer/weekend lunches and occasional dinners if my husband and I are working late. We let them keep their rooms as messy as they can stand. Altogether, they claim their chore list is longer than any of their friends; from my discussion with some parents, they’re probably right. But I think anyone headed to college within a year should at least be given the “training course” if not a full year’s worth of chores. Their future roommates and spouses will thank you for it…</p>

30

<p>My 2 Ss know how to do laundry although I’ve never seen them do it. I actually enjoy doing it. S2 has had lessons and we’ll see how he does in the dorm this fall. Although, H & I were gone for 3 weeks in July, and I don’t think anything was washed because every towel in the house was dirty, including those I deem rags.</p>

<p>Both can cook a lot of stuff, although S2 is much more adventurous at it. S1’s tastes lean more to microwaveable pizza and TV dinners whereas S2 will actually cook and invent things.</p>

<p>Both will do household chores upon request, usually by the 2nd/3rd request, or sooner if they can hear it in my tone of voice–vacuuming (we have a very hairy dog), cleaning toilets/bathrooms, mowing, cleaning out the car, taking out the trash, filling/emptying the dishwasher. However, I doubt they would see anything that needs to be done if I didn’t say so. Of course, neither would H. About the only thing they do without my saying so is to feed/water the dog or let her out, but SHE has to ask.</p>

31

<p>I haven’t read this entire thread, so I’m sure several of these things will be repetitive…</p>

<p>First, I had my D on a financial budget “contract” since she was 12. The contract stated that she was responsible for all her own clothing, special toiletries, books, CDs, magazines, presents and fun. She was required to participate in all things family (meals, weekend gatherings, etc.), fill & empty the dishwasher, clean her room weekly & do her laundry weekly. We split 50/50 all school affairs (special trips, special supplies, etc.). I provided her access to my Entertainment coupon book for anything she wanted out of it (and her friends started getting smart when they’d go to mini-golf, etc. and saw her pull out a coupon, getting 2 games for the cost of one!) She learned about tipping at Fantastic Sam’s, and asking for student discounts at the movies, etc. After 18 months I increased it to $125 per month, and she took a part time job (yes, at 14!) because she wanted to visit family in London and Venice for 5 weeks. Again we went 50/50 on those expenses…Now that she’s in college, I put $75 a month into her checking account (so her budget money went down!), and she works more to supplement it. All school books and school supplies are her responsibility. She pays her portion of the “add on” on the cell phone plan ($12 a month, and has preferred to pay one lump sum for a year)…</p>

<p>This really works in our household. She was to donate 10% monthly to a charity of her choice, and if she put a certain amount into the bank each month, I would match her 50 cents on the dollar. I almost never had to match her savings contribution, but she also rarely has to “borrow” from me (which comes with a 10% “interest” charge). I never again worried that money I spent was going to waste, because she was far more thoughtful spending her own money than mine. She is a very thoughtful consumer now, reading Sunday ads, checking the internet, or asking friends before plunking down money.)</p>

<p>She has been responsible for doing her own laundry (including sheets and towels) since she was 12 as well. </p>

<p>I had her cooking and prepping with me since she was a baby, and when she hit 14 or 15 started making her own (well balanced) meals. Lunches since she was 9 or 10, almost always from leftovers from dinner the night before.</p>

<p>She has held at least one part-time job (sometimes 2) since she was 14, so working 2 25-hour a week jobs this summer has not been an issue for her. She’ll pare down as soon as school picks up in 3 weeks.</p>

<p>She has been living on her own (with roommates) in NYC for a year now, and she has been told she makes an excellent roommate. She understands finance, cleanliness (not neatness, I’m afraid…me either!), nutrition, and being a good steward of this earth (recycling, tithing, etc.).</p>

<p>I got the idea for the contract from an Oprah episode way back…8 years ago. A father, and author wrote a book called “Capitate Your Kids Teaching Your Teens Financial Independence” (“capitate” refers to putting your kid’s financial head on). The show was so enlightening I decided to try it.</p>

32

<p>Both my H and I have always worked full-time. Taught D how to do laundry when she was 11. My routine was, every friday night I would call her from work (12Hr shifts in ER) and chat then I would ask her to do her laundry starting with her jeans and then do her shirts and underclothing. Now her clothes were done for the upcoming school week.<br>
She had a list of chores to do during the week which was to clean her room, wash dishes and clean the bathroom. At the end of the week she received an allowance because she had completed her chores. This continued for many years, getting a little more challenginging as she got into her teen years. She also knows how to cook for herself. Not gourmet, but sustaining things. (vegetarian). Now that she is older and getting ready for college, she is not as good at it anymore. Her room looks like a disaster zone and so does her friend’s’ rooms I might add. But the bottom line is she know how to take care of things for herself.</p>

33

<p>I** really** like **"just"aMom **'s approach, but I was not organized or proactive enough to use it. </p>

<p>My kids have done their laundry from middle school on, although they both tended to leave it in their rooms until they needed clean clothes and were forced into action. They sometimes would unload the dishwasher, but not routinely and I wish they would have done it more often without being asked. Son has trash and recycling responsibilities, but again I often have to remind him. However he is very good about taking on projects we ask of him (painting a fence, doing errands, etc.).</p>

<p>Re the rooms, they are both slobs with organizational issues IMO. I simply made a rule that they could not make social plans unless their rooms passed (a loose) inspection. So they got into the habit of only cleaning their rooms when they had plans or wanted to make them.</p>

<p>They did both have part-time jobs from age 16 on, and full-time jobs over the summers, so spending money was on them. For college we paid tuition, and room & board expenses, but they handled any pleasure/pizza spending from their own funds.</p>