<p>I have struggled internally over this for awhile, and this morning–as I am folding and putting away HS soon-to-be-senior son’s clothes that I have taken from the dryer–I am bothered again by the question whether he does not do enough for himself. To be honest, he does very little in the way of household chores. When he was younger, I tried to assign him particular chores and sometimes he would do them and sometimes not. As he has gotten older, the problem is that he just does not care whether his clothes are folded or his bed is made or even if he has clean socks that match (the clean part he would care about, but not the matching). </p>
<p>I am pretty sure that when he goes off to college his dorm room will be a disaster, but I am hoping that someday he will remember the drawers of neatly folded clothes from his childhood and he will decide to reform his slovenly ways. (I actually think the best chance for reform will be that he meets a girl who he wants to impress and he realizes that clothes and books and paper and who knows what else all over the floor is not going to do it.)</p>
<p>But for now, I am thinking that I do not want to try to reform him. I think it would be doomed to failure at this point. The part I am struggling with is what this morning feels like enabling–I am doing his laundry and making his bed and picking up his papers from the floor. Because it gives me satisfaction to see his things taken care of. On one hand, I’m wondering, does this make me a bad mom? On the other hand, son is–aside from his slovenliness–a really solid kid–excellent grades, involved in several meaningful activities outside of school, has a nice circle of friends. So maybe I should let myself off the hook on this one?</p>
<p>You certainly don’t sound like a bad mom - quite the opposite. On the other hand, though, you’re not doing your child any favors in the long run by not teaching him how to do his own laundry (and MAKING him do it himself even if he runs himself down to his last pair of underwear before he finally breaks down to use the washer and dryer!) and by doing some basic household cleaning and cooking chores. His future significant other(s) will appreciate you for it!!! No matter how exciting and rewarding our lives are, chores are always going to be a part of them.</p>
<p>I agree with ColoradoMomof2. While I am a teen, I find that I’m more independent than most of my friends. I do the dishes, I walk my dog twice a day, I feed all of my pets every day, I do my own laundry (well… Once a week. We have a cleaner that also comes once a week and she does it as well), I cook my own food for the most part, I have a job, I pay for my iTunes and my cellphones and extra cell expenses.</p>
<p>I say you relax on the chores that directly affect him, but at the same time, teach him how to do laundry, how to fold clothes, etc, etc. I’m glad that when I go off to college in a year, I already know how to do laundry. My brother didn’t and called once a week for the first month asking my mom to help him out. And once he came home, I would always do his laundry for him. </p>
<p>Laundry and basic household/cleaning chores are good skills to have.</p>
<p>Well, my teens do their own laundry. That means: taking the laundry to the laundry room, washing clothes, drying clothes, and getting them back up to their rooms. In my son’s case, they NEVER get put away. He just leaves them in piles or in baskets. I’m sure the practice will continue when he goes to college… unless his roommate is a neatnik who insists on him putting his clothes away (please, please!). His bed is never made, and his room is a disaster area.</p>
<p>He knows how to cook basic stuff, and has tried more complicated recipes every now and again. I tried to teach him how to iron, but he probably won’t use that skill but rarely. He is responsible for cleaning his bathroom - doesn’t do the greatest job, but it’s passable.</p>
<p>Definitely teach him how to do laundry so that he doesn’t ruin all his clothes the first time he does it in college. And yes, I’d stop cleaning up after him. Tell him that now that he is a senior in HS, it’s high time he does these things for himself.</p>
<p>Our kids (now 18 and 20) learned to do their own laundry in middle school. I wrote up a “cheat sheet” on basics of sorting, air drying certain items, water and dryer temps, etc. AND putting their stuff away! They have always helped with house cleaning since they were about 10 or so - vacuuming, mopping, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, etc. They also mowed the lawn, and helped with home improvement projects. Both learned basic cooking skills and can make simple meals. They have been very helpful around here.</p>
<p>My D and I share laundry duty depending on who’s available. She can prepare meals and at least has theoretical knowledge of what needs to be done to clean her bedroom, a kitchen and a bathroom. She knows the difference between a weed and a wildflower when she does yard work. She has been packing her own lunch since she was 7, when she foolishly dared to complain about the lunches I was packing. That doesn’t mean she does any of this stuff spontaneously (except the laundry) but she does do them semi-willingly when asked.</p>
<p>Ha ha! Willingly??? My two have been doing their laundry since middle school when they lost the “privilege” of me doing it. Three strikes and they were out! The youngest can cook, the oldest not so much since there is no interest on her part. Bedrooms are a disaster until they want new clothes that I refuse to buy unless rooms are cleaned and an equal amount of old clothes must be discarded as new clothes are bought. They bicker about dishes and who does more and never seem to see the mess unless it is pointed out to them. When I blow a gasket it gets done quickly and efficiently but why can’t they just do it on their own!!! Arrgghhh! If they would just pick up after themselves it would be lovely!</p>
<p>I do the laundry, but make my kids take it down to the basement and bring it back up and put it away. They don’t usually produce quite enough for full loads. They both have been taught how to do the laundry and for a while my younger son got extra allowance for doing laundry for the whole house. Neither likes cleaning their rooms. They help with table setting and clearing. They bring in groceries. My youngest has been cooking with friends once a week and I’ve been teaching him a new dish for him to cook each week. So far he’s learned two pies (apple and blueberry), BBQ ribs, brownies and another apple dessert. When we had a rabbit, my younger son was in charge of his care.</p>
<p>My D started packing her school lunch in kindergarten. I don’t remember when she learned to do laundry, but it wasn’t many years later. We somehow over time got so each member of the family does his/her own laundry. She also has been cooking for a long time and is very competent in the kitchen, really as good a cook as many of my friends. Since we were farmers when she was young, she had jobs such as moving pipes, spotting trucks in harvest, and operated bigger machinery from age 12. I believe she knows how to check oil and change tires, but her dad always does it for her (and for me, too). </p>
<p>This summer she had her first paying job other than babysitting/pet care. I’ve noticed she seems a lot more comfortable than she used to about calling to make her own medical appointments or take care of other kinds of business. I think it is really important for young people to know how to do all of that kind of thing on their own. And today we went to the bank to take my name off her checking and savings accounts (she’s 19).</p>
<p>How did we get to this point? A combination of luck (her independent nature) and necessity - D’s early years were hard times for our family, and she had to learn to do a lot for herself.</p>
<p>NorthMinnesota - you could be describing my 2 Ds! I handed off laundry duty to them in middle school when I got tired of seeing clean clothes strewn on the floor and then dropped down the laundry chute, never worn! I haven’t been as successful on cleaning (done grudgingly) or cooking, although they are getting better. I too insist on a clean room before I will buy new clothes, but I hadn’t thought of the one-to-one ratio of new to discarded. I will announce that TODAY!! I’ve also implemented a clothing budget, forcing them to make choices. All of a sudden the discount stores are looking a lot better to them :)</p>
<p>Clothing budgets are wonderful!! It’s amazing how something they “need” suddenly becomes something they can do without when they figure how much of a “bite” it takes out of their total amount allotted.</p>
<p>When mine were in high school, I started taking them to clothes shop with their budget in a cash envelope. That way, they could actually see what was coming out of the envelope and what was left after each purchase. Really made the whole thing real for them and they knew that when the $$$ was gone, shopping was over.</p>
<p>My boys- about to go to college- do their own laundry, cook sometimes,
(with me in the kitchen if something new), set/clear table, mow the lawn, take out garbage and recycle, empty dishwasher,take care of pets when we’re gone. I have a hands off policy rightnow on their rooms- looking at the rooms bothers me, but being their maid would bother me more! When we grocery shop, they put food away.
My problem is getting them to pick up after themselves
around the house- socks, dishes, etc. Oh well- in 1 week the house
will be clean but too quiet!!</p>
<p>My 2 at-home boys have chores to do on Saturday - one week they clean their rooms, the next they share cleaning the bathroom. If the chores don’t get done on Saturday, they don’t go anywhere on Sunday until they are done. They also feed and clean up after the cats 3x a week, and do their own laundry and the lawn. </p>
<p>Of course, this has to be modified during competition season, etc. And it took a long time to instigate - they wanted to work according to their own schedules, which meant sleeping in on weekends. I had to put the Sunday time limit on because the younger, especially, simply would promise and then not follow through. </p>
<p>One way to transition them to chores is to do them together - folding laundry while watching TV, for example. Or moving things in the room while they vacuum. Or showing them how to service the mower before they cut the grass. Also, the cooler or newer the job, the more enthusiasm they have for it.</p>
<p>Like PRJ, my sons have been doing their own laundry since they were each around 12yo. I got tired of seeing the laundry I had spent time washing, drying, and folding being indistinguishable from the dirty clothes strewn all over their floors. They couldn’t tell which clothes were clean either. S1 can do basic cooking, which is handy now that he’s a grad student. When it comes to cleaning, the best they do is put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher & take out garbage and recycling.</p>
<p>My almost-freshman son has been doing his own laundry all through high school. That means I have had to adjust my definition of “doing laundry.” It rarely makes it into the drawers. At some point, I don’t remember when, we also began expecting him to change his own sheets. And long ago I gave up cleaning his room. We use a cleaning service, and I do not think the person should be expected to wade through mess to “clean” his room. His room is disgusting by my standards (not extremely high). Periodically he does a “white tornado” number and his room is neat. Then the cycle repeats. More than once I’ve joined him in his room for a major purge; we make a party of it. My biggest issue has been the trail of stuff he leaves when he comes home from school; after graduation in June, that became just a memory! Other things he does, but not without requests or reminders: takes out the garbage and recycling, empties the dishwasher, walks the dog sometimes.</p>
<p>Note that my son isn’t a slob overall. He dresses neatly and bathes! The room thing is a mystery to me, as it obviously is to many others here. He also takes very good care of his photography equipment, computer, other electronic equipment, and bike.</p>
<p>My thoughts:
Yes, high school seniors should be doing their own laundry and maintaining their own living spaces. Just don’t expect them to do these chores according to your standards.
Some suggested ground rules: No dirty dishes left in the room for more than 24 hours. Sheets should be changed every two weeks, more often if you have dust allergies. No laundry left in the laundry room.
Novices may need help in the beginning: how to separate clothes for washing, how to dust, etc.
Personal items left in common areas of the house (e.g., school books in the hall or living room) should be neatly piled and/or put where they belong.</p>
<p>I should add that my husband is very messy. I wish I had a picture of his apartment when I first met him. It looked exactly like my son’s room does today.</p>
<p>And as for that final room purge: I’ll bet I do it after we return from taking him to school on August 19. :mad:</p>
<p>I’m singing the same song here. My second one is home this week; spent the summer at college. He and a group of guys rent a house together, and someone he is surviving. I had to grab him and remind him that he has to keep the room neat and keep his paws off his brothers’ stuff that we are gathering for him to go away to college. I worry about the college bound one too. Has done little or nothing for himself this summer without my prodding him. I may shed a tear or two when I leave him, but I’ll also be exhaling a sigh of relief.</p>
<p>My son can run the washer and dryer, but has never done it on his own. I do all the laundry. He’s never cleaned a toilet, never changed his sheets without being told to do so. He can make a few very basic food items. He starts college in September. </p>
<p>I know I should’ve made him do more. I was raised the same way though. I never did any laundry/cleaning/cooking until I was on my own. I figured it out though!</p>
<p>My boys did stuff like mow the lawn and change the oil in their trucks and due to faulty plumbing in their bathroom, became experts in how to turn off the water supply and unstop a toilet,lol… Both can cook a few simple things. Both held part-itme jobs starting at 16 and learned to manage checking accounts. </p>
<p>They have been responsible for their own laundry when off on summer trips but not on a routine basis at home. I do not pick up dirty clothes off their floor. If they are put in the baskets in my room, they get washed. If not, oh well. S1 is senior in collge and has managed just fine. I expect S2 will also when he runs out of underwear after about 10 days in college. </p>
<p>S1’s room at home was always a dump but he swears he kept his dorm room much cleaner since he couldn’t walk out and go to a nicer room like at home.</p>
<p>We had an exchange student from Mexico a number of years ago, and his mother wrote to me when he returned home and thanked me for teaching him how to do laundry. But reading another post in this thread makes me wonder if he ever changed his sheets that year! Now that I think of it, I don’t think I ever saw him do it, and I guess it just didn’t occur to me to ask, since my kids always did their own.</p>