<p>My parents and I really struggled with this, so I was very sensitive to handling it better with my own kids. The key word for me was “transition.” I told my son at the beginning of senior year that he would be getting more and more freedom and that we would be wrestling over how much was enough all year. We talked about a lot of theoretical situations before they occurred, nerds that we are. </p>
<p>I told him I did want to know where he was as long as he was living at home so I wouldn’t worry. He pretty much was making plans and them telling me what they were by the end. We had worked out over time that I would approve 99 percent of the time. Exceptions would be prior commitments and safety issues. </p>
<p>Had a kid announced plans at the beginning of senior year instead of asking, yeah, I would have been peeved. By the end, however, I was more lenient.</p>
<p>It sounds like what you’re talking about is more a matter of respect more than anything else. We’ve had two very independent, mature, responsible kids so we’ve rarely had to tell them no about anything they request. But occasionally they have to be reminded that just because we’ll probably say yes to something doesn’t mean we don’t want to be asked. We’re still the parents and it’s just respectful to do that. All they’ve ever really needed is a gentle reminder.</p>
<p>familyceo- you have it. I want my kids to ask (at a certain age) and also tell me when they travel. It’s respect and consideration for my feelings. However respect and consideration are a two way street. Just because I have their contact info doesn’t mean I can call them constantly, or ask every detail about their lives.
This two way relationship has been developing long before they reach senior year. I think the sudden “telling me” that a senior is going camping is startling. I would hope for a more gradual change. However, this is the time for students to separate from parents, and this transition isn’t always smooth.
There’s a difference between strict and controlling, and I think it is the latter that would cause the most distress. By 12th grade I would hope a student has had a gradual increase in responsibilities and freedom, even within family rules.</p>
<p>My brother went to the library a lot ~ there was a club named, “The Library” (he told this to his 14yr old sister, wink wink, and I kept his secret)</p>
<p>DS13 waited until after graduation to really start saying I’m going to so and so house I’ll be back tomorrow. Before that he would always ask. As far as the car though that’s a different story. We have a SUV that he can drive however when he called one weekend from school and wanted to use it for the weekend to drive to Alabama with his buddies… I said no. The car is in our name,we pay the insurance and while DS is a very good driver I did not want to be responsible if something happened. I’m sure they have found a way to get there using some other parents car.:)</p>
<p>For the record, my parents were very strict and I didn’t “go crazy.” They were really lax with my sister, and she did go a little nuts, well before college. In my friend group, I don’t really see any correlation between the strictness of the parents and wild behavior in college. I think we all know somebody who was heavily sheltered who turned up at college half-crazed, but I wonder if we place unreasonable emphasis on that storyline just because we like to and not because it’s really ALL that common. I think most people with very strict and even controlling parents turn out to be pretty normal.</p>
<p>My sisters family is LDS, both of her Ds went to an top lac which also has some problems with frats that are no longer allowed on campus if ykwim.
As far as I can tell, college life didn’t change that aspect of their lives.
I mean, they got through finals without coffee, so turning down beer doesn’t sound like a problem.
;)</p>
<p>ExpatSon turned 17 the week before his senior year started.
Typically, he’ll ask for things that are beyond the latitude
we’ve allowed in the past, and ‘inform’ us of plans that are
within established norms.</p>
<p>It’s a good give & take model, not unlike what I grew up with
(tho’ more relaxed than my better half’s upbringing). </p>
<p>I’d like to give him as much free reign as I reasonably can,
because I want him to feel that he’s in control now so that
he doesn’t get unduly stupid once he’s released in the wild.</p>
<p>My main thing is about what time both of my kids get home when they go out. They’re both very good, responsible kids but their car just isn’t that reliable and I worry about other people on the road, especially at certain times (just after the bars close). I simply don’t sleep well until I know they are home if they’re coming home that night. So, especially if I have to work the next day, I want them home before I need to go to bed. They can spend the night at a friend’s house, no problem. If I know they are coming home though, I won’t sleep deeply until they are home safe and sound.</p>
<p>I had very few rules when I was going up, other than to give folks courtesy call about when I’d be home, especially if I might miss dinner. I was considered very responsible and didn’t go crazy in college or any other time. The kids I knew in college who had a lot of rules and some who had very few–some did fine with the increased freedom and some had some pretty scary and/or sad incidents. </p>
<p>We raised our kids with increasingly fewer rules, other than the courtesy of telling us when you’d be home and nice to know where you were going and what you were doing (but only if you wanted to share). Neither kid seems to have gone wild with so much freedom–perhaps because their stamina limits their activities and alcohol seems to further limit their stamina.</p>
<p>There are legal liability issues if a child is under 18. We sent our 16 (nearly 17) year old son off to college. But- we would have had to sign for any medical care but otherwise had no say in things. Age matters for some things. Our son was/is very strong willed and independent (he got a double dose genetically). Sounds like your son is transitioning well to adulthood. I suspect if you had serious objections he would have changed his plans. Sounds like he is testing his independence but still keeping you in the loop- his safety net.</p>
<p>Understandable. But really, it’s a blessing in disguise. You’re getting a preview of next year, when you won’t even know about most of his outings, much less be asked permission. </p>
<p>You’ve been given a gift. You know that he can handle himself. You won’t have to worry about him next year (well, not as much ;)) because he is proving now that he’s ready to leave home. Trust me – it’s far, far better to have a mature independent HS senior than a college freshman who’s clingy or homesick or can’t stay out of trouble. </p>
<p>And look at it this way: The whole point of this 18-year project has been to get him ready to leave the nest, right? Sounds to me like you’ve done a spectacular job!</p>
<p>A friend once told me that they treat their children based on the child’s maturity level and how they act. Sounds like your S has not given you any reason to rein him in! </p>
<p>Like most others, I gave D lots of freedom senior year of hs as practice for both of us. The expectation was that I knew where she would be, just like I tell her where I’ll be. The only thing I vetoed was a road trip to Nashville from NH. If they were able to afford plane tickets she would’ve had my blessing but I was just too uncomfortable with that long of a drive (17 hours, I think). They ended up going to the NY instead.</p>
<p>Both of our boys had lots of freedom during senior year. They both had part-time jobs and never asked us for money. They pretty much had free rein that year around our suburban town. They always told us where they were headed when they left the house . If they were making plans to go on a rare out of town trip, they would run it by us and discuss any questions/concerns we might have. They didn’t really have a curfew that year either. They often spent the night with friends on weekends. I just always asked that they let us know if they weren’t coming home at night. Both turned 18 in middle of senior year.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the replies. Since this is my oldest son I am talking about, he has been the guinea pig, and I often second-guess my parenting choices. My parents were extremely permissive, and while I was a pretty good kid (though far from perfect), my brother went a bit off the deep end with drugs and alcohol.</p>
<p>Since my two best “mom” friends are much less permissive than I am, and I am far less permissive than the parents of some of DS’ friends, I find myself turning to the wise folks of CC for parenting advice. I am also depending on my husband more and more to be the voice of reason as to what is appropriate for teenage boys. Sometimes it’s hard to quell “mom” fears, even if they are illogical and emotion-based.</p>
<p>Another thought, westcoastmom: This transition really helped me to clarify the difference between wanting to be asked for permission, and simply wanting to know where D was going and with whom. We often have talks about the need to communicate with the people you love, not just to ask for permission, but because you respect them and don’t want to worry or inconvenience them. Heck, I expect my husband to tell me if he’ll be home for dinner or not. This is just basic courtesy.</p>
<p>I’m actually glad I gave D so much freedom her senior year, because I worry less about her misusing her freedom this year, her first in college. We also got to go over some lessons I missed in her upbringing, such as teaching her to hand out granola bars instead of money to beggars.</p>
<p>I have some friends who say they can’t go to bed unless their kids are in the house.
DH never stays awake past 11:00 and I wasn’t going to spend my weekend nights sitting up alone watching the news and the clock. So we devised a plan.</p>
<p>We went to bed whenever we wanted to. We told both sons, that if it got late and they knew they were staying over with a friend or would just be later coming in… to please just send me a text letting me know. That way if I woke up at 2a.m. and they weren’t at home, I could just check my phone for a text to see where they were and what their intentions were. Then I could go back to sleep. It worked well for us.</p>
<p>I think it started much earlier than senior year for us. Hard to recall, but it went something like this “I’m going to Dave’s” (son) “Do you have your homework done, do you have whatever chore done?” (me or H) “Yes” (son) " What time will you be home?" (me or H) “By 11” (son) “OK you know the rules, don’t be late.” (me or H) and it just went from there. They always tell us where they are going and when they will be back and it continued into college and beyond. I am always surprised when they call and tell us when they are going away for a weekend…my 25 year old still tells me when he’ll be out of town for a few days. If they are following the house rules at 16,17, 18 why do they need to ask “permission” is my question. I would be way more upset if they didn’t tell me and I have to ask myself if at that age do I really have a good reason to say “no you can’t go?” I can say "I wish you would stay home tonight because the roads are bad - you have an early test - blah, blah. But as far as permission I guess not at that age. Hopefully they have learned courtesy and respect by 16 (and to obey the law) and have picked good friends. At 17 and 18 all my kids took at least one weekend trip either camping or something without us. To be sure, we made sure they were traveling in a safe vehicle and we stood at the door and ran through the checklist, but we never said no they couldn’t spread their wings.</p>
<p>WCM,
I completely understand how you feel. Mine did the same thing, only it was the summer after his first year away at college. Even though intellectually I knew that after 10 months of doing whatever he wanted, he didn’t need to ask permission anymore, it was still disconcerting!</p>
<p>Packmom, we had the same rule. If the kids came hme after I was in bed, a text was required. Otherwise, if I woke up at the crack if dawn unsure if they were home, I would definitely have to turn on the light to see if they were in bed and express my relief at their safety very loudly.</p>