<p>westcoastmomof2: Thank you for starting this thread! Very helpful. As mom of two sons ages 17 and 19, I go through this all the time … as I am being too restrictive, about right, or too permissive… Right now it’s most difficult with the 19yo, since he’s been away at college, and of course coming home to mom and dad’s reasonable “house rules” is difficult. But like many posters, I mainly just want to have a general idea of where they are / who they are with … and know that they are okay. The worst is waking up at 2:30 AM and he’s not home and there’s no text … that’s happened once, and I don’t think it will happen again! He doesn’t want me calling/texting various friends of his at 3 AM again 
Was so worried that he had been in a car accident on the way home and was unconscious, etc. I know that most of you can relate… BTW, the “transition” for the 17yo senior is going fairly well, at least at the moment.</p>
<p>I am in a different place, because I am elated at any signs of independence from my 17yo D! She is a rule-follower and a homebody, and I’m happy every time she spreads her wings a little bit, hard as it is sometimes for me.</p>
<p>It is so personal.
My S. crossed the whole country 2 times with his friends, living basically in their car (not any kind of van, just a car) in a summer after his freshman year at college.
Now, just to make sure you understand me, there is no way under the sky that I would allow my D. (in HS or college) “camping/rock climbing trip”. And she is a very responsible person, the one who traveled in many countries abroad (but always under supervision), who has been driving since 16, started couple days after her birthday. She has been also away to college.
Everybody is very different, kids in the same family are also very different. Our experiences and suggestions will mean absolutely nothing to you. You have your family set of values / rules and I am sure that they are different for each kid. I certainly hope that rules for my grandD and for my grandS are different in my S’s family, but it is none of my business.</p>
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<p>I agree! I’d also like to know who else they are bringing into the house and when, so I am not caught embarrassed by the state of the house, and so that I can adapt meal plans (am I feeding extra people?) or whatever. </p>
<p>Another issue is that my kids tend not to keep track of family obligations (cousin’s bar mitzvah, grandmother’s birthday dinner, long-planned family trip to wherever), or, particularly when they are home, appointments we’ve made on their behalf (dentist, e.g.), and I appreciate if they check with me about the calendar. </p>
<p>I have a good friend who invited us to brunch during winter break and I asked whether her kids would be there, because if they were going to be there, I’d bring mine. She said she would have no way of knowing whether they would be there or not. They would be welcome to join us if they were present, but it was not her practice to invite them and ask them to commit in advance to being there. I think that would make me nuts! But it works for her and her family.</p>
<p>As he wasn’t 18, mY son still had a mandatory curfew his senior year of HS, so it was pretty easy. If he spent the night at a friend’s house, he had to text me when he was resting his bones at his final destination. He was only allowed to spend the night at a friend’s house one night on the weekend. The other night he had to come home. </p>
<p>My son is currently a freshman in college. When he came home for break, the same rules applied without the 12 a.m. curfew. He came home most nights and the rule was that he had to text me his approximate arrival time and pop his head in my room to let me know he was home. This worked except for one night when I woke up and he wasn’t home and I didn’t have a text. I texted him and he immediately texted me back - sorry mom, I forgot.</p>
<p>I realize that my son can come and go at his own leisure at university; however, it really is a matter of common courtesy. Thinking about it, he still asked if he could go here or there when he was home. I explained to my son that once I knew that he is settled for the night, I could truly fall asleep. He didn’t have any issues with this.</p>
<p>I think it’s ok for a parent to say something like, “Let’s talk about the expectations for this trip.” and then let your kid suggest them. My experience is that kids will be stricter with themselves if you ask them for limits and will also be more likely to obey limits they’ve set themselves.</p>
<p>My daughter had a significant amount of freedom senior year but I still expected some form of “would you mind” before she planned something not normally in the scheme of things. </p>
<p>I also (and this continued during her college breaks) wanted in the most general way to be kept in the loop regarding her daily plans/timetable. To quote my dear departed Mom, “I am not a short order cook. Please give me some notice if you are not going to be home for dinner.”</p>
<p>Yes, the “would you mind?” should ideally come first.</p>