We’re starting with DS3 over here for college admissions.
I think it’s important to remember that family only asks about the topic because they care about the student. That said, we shared way too much information the first time around. The grandparents didn’t quite grasp that application doesn’t equal acceptance. They would tear down some schools and build up others.
Finally, my husband spoke to his father and said, “the school you are bashing may be the only place DS1 gets in.” They backed off after that.
Now with DS3, we say he’s applying to a range of schools for his ability but, won’t make a decision until all the details are known about acceptance, honors, scholarships, etc. This is getting a much better response. Grandma declared the last time she saw DS3 that his whole list was solid and he will do great wherever he goes.
The family just needed a little coaching on how to support the process.
Bragging about where you are applying makes no sense since anyone can apply anywhere.
Well, on my side of the family, a non-competitive bunch if ever there was one, the topic of applications never came up! But on h’s? Good grief, and it’s not just the application list, but the intended major. H has one aunt (younger than h, so same age kids), whose d was heading for ENGiNEERING. My philosophy? Lay low because you can’ tome out of the situation looking good!
We didn’t share details about where our son was applying because DH’s parents & siblings started pestering him with questions & suggestions the spring of his junior year and he was tired of talking about it. I think they were afraid he wouldn’t get accepted anywhere because we homeschool. He got accepted to lots of great schools and chose a state college, but the only one he mentioned to family is the one he’s attending.
My extended family doesn’t/didn’t usually pry. Truthfully, they don’t care.
I don’t volunteer info but if asked, I answer. I’d feel differently if I came from a nosy family.
The best time to let the extended family know about the whole thing? In my opinion, it is the beginning of the fall semester of the (college) freshman year.
Wife’s parents were initially scandalized to hear our son was interested in University of Mississippi. My FIL suggested schools that S could never get into with his GPA. After they actually met some people who had graduated from Ole Miss, it was less of a problem. I’m still not sure they get that you can’t get into the UC system with D’s on the transcript, no matter how high the SAT is. It doesn’t help that one went to GWU and the other went to Harvard.
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Frankly, if you are inclined to brag, the time to do so would be after your child has been accepted, not when you are putting together the list of schools or during application season. Anyone can apply to HYPS or uber-selective schools.
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Exactly! Why brag about where your son is applying? …that may just leave your son open to more gossip: “lol…he’s applying to X, Y, Z??? lol…he’ll never get in.”
Use thumper’s method if you want to keep things safe.
You can also make sure that he has a few 100% financial safeties that you can mention, and if he later gets into a reach, then you can “brag” about that.
Somehow the SAT score of one kid was shared among my relatives and it shattered their expectation. It has been thought that good looks and brain doesn’t go together. No expensive prepping either. But it’s not a competition in our family, at least I don’t think it was, but I think it was a pleasant surprise because the kid is younger then the two cousins by a whole year.
My family is very close, we share almost everything. We knew every kid’s SAT scores and GPA, what schools they wanted to apply to. There was one year when we had 2 kids applying to schools, and only one for other years. This stretched over 5 years. Every year we all sat on edge of seat waiting to hear good news. We really felt for all of our nieces and nephews. There were triumphs and there were many defeats. At the end it all turned out fine for all of our kids.
I agree with other posters that I am not sure what’s there to brag abut schools your kid is applying to. One could apply to Harvard, but there is very low chance of getting in.
We would tell family members who asked. …but our family is pretty reasonable.
Of the 5 oldest grandkids, mine was the only one who started a 4 year college and finished so all grandparents were supportive.
You’re going to feel foolish if he doesn’t get in. Only the offspring of POTUS can be assured of getting admitted into a school.
We shared nothing except the college DS finally chose to enroll in. We didn’t even share the names of the other schools he was admitted into.
One, we didn’t want to set expectations about DS’ s applications. And, two, DS has cousins close in age to him. We didn’t want to “compete”.
Not so much about kids in the extended family, how about your own kid(s)? Do you always know his/her GPAs, SAT scores, classes to take, etc.? (especially even when in college?)
Our own child let us know everything related to schools (high school, college and beyond), but regarding his social life, it is usually off the limit (except when he felt like to have a sympathetic listener.)
Actually, when our child was applying to colleges, he did not have a strong opinion on his list of colleges to apply to. If we wanted to “help” him come up with the list of schools, he would welcome our involvement because he thought he would have one less thing to be concerned about. (We were very “obsessed” with LACs back then. So the majority (80%?) of schools in the list are LACs.)
For now, other than letting my son handle it which is the best idea imho, I will just say that we are looking at most of the Florida universities (which is true) and keeping the options open. That seems very low-key, nonchalant, and non-specific.
Phew, thanks again CC community! It really is nice to read about how other families have handled this issue.
@GMTplus7 - I like how you handled it, and that was thoughtful to your nieces and nephews. I have two wonder cousins myself who went to elite schools, and I have yet to hear the end of it from my folks. I try to be sensitive to my nieces and nephews.
Off-topic but I loved your post on the vacation thread about your international flight. Had me laughing in front of my kindle. 
(at least I hope I’m remembering correctly that that was you).
Was that the “chicken chunks” story? Or the “dingleberry muffin” story?
I added one more misadventure about the cow barn vacation.
We shared some of the process and our aggravations and concerns with both sets of grandparents but we didn’t talk specific schools and they didn’t pry. Our siblings have older children and not one of them was easy. None of the cousins went to college and they are all struggling. While they were all thrilled for D when she committed, I think they appreciated not having her journey dominating family gatherings.
I didn’t volunteer a thing. If asked, I provided a specific answer and nothing more. But I keep everything close to the vest.
My friend had a nice approach to this problem with prying family members. She simply told them if you are offering to pay for college then you can be involved in the process. Otherwise we will let you know when he picks a school.
We have two very, very different sets of relatives. D’s cousins on her dad’s side are all in their 30’s and 40’s, and other than one second cousin her age, the rest are very young. But the family has a keen interest in D’s many accomplishments and college plans, as most of them did not go to college (H and his brother did, one sister has an AA). They do ask where she will be applying and are have mixed feelings about her interest in HBCU’s. Their older relatives left the south to escape segregation. But they’re very excited to see what she does with her life. They don’t really ask about GPA or SAT’s. That seems an unhealthy level of interest.
D’s cousins on my side are all older as well, except one. They’re either long done with college or already moving on with post-HS life. They too are more interested in the things D is doing than in where she applies. Her aunts and uncles are very different from me and ask if D knows that she is part white too and why would she go to a black college. So we don’t share much of anything about anything with them.
D belongs to a very supportive church and many of the members are grads of some of the schools D is looking at. Every year they have a special service celebrating the youth and their schools. They will be more involved than my own relatives in hearing her plans. And I expect we’ll need several entire rows at her graduation to fit all of H’s relatives and D’s church family.