How much info do parents typically share with extended family (grand-parents, aunts, uncles, cousins) about their child’s college application process?
Mom of rising senior here - pretty good student with good test scores, and very STEM oriented. He has been a homeschooler for the last 8 years. I am the only sibling/adult child to homeschool (so the odd one of the family LOL).
My son is planning to apply to your standard reach, match, and stretch schools. Often I find myself wanting to “brag” a little about where he is applying with the family, in part because my oldest did not go to college (long story but he is doing well). On the other hand, I don’t want to set up any expectations or have my son feel somehow deficient if he doesn’t get in somewhere and everybody knows he applied. Granted, I probably worry about this more than he does.
Is this a bad thing? Did you play your cards close to the vest or were you open about where your child applied?
We shared none. When asked, we politely said that our kid was applying to a wide range of schools, and we would share when he or she made a matriculation decision.
Too funny about the brag part. In my immediate family circle, there was 3 kids applying to college for the same year. I don’t give advice, even though, I’ve been on CC for a long time.
OP, My D is the oldest grandchild on both sides, so there was intense interest and I shared way too much of the process with the extended family. Big big mistake. If I had it to over, I’d do exactly as thumper advises – "We’ll let you know when it’s all over. "
Understand that the more you share, the more your son will feel like he’s under the entire family’s microscope. And the more you share, the more the family will feel like they’re entitled to give their opinions and second-guess his choices. Sharing makes everyone think that this is community property. Keep them away from it as much as you possibly can. Voice of experience.
My sister makes everything a competition, so I tried to keep it a little less so. My kids picked the schools they wanted and got in and so did her son, then it became a competition from her on who got the most in scholarships. Her son and my DD#2 are both in engineering, but she constantly wants me to KNOW, to understand, how much harder his school is than my daughter’s. Really? I went to the school the son goes to! (She always tries to tell me how things aren’t the same anymore. What, did they MOVE the building? I know where it is.) They use the same math books, same chemistry books in both engineering programs, but of course nephew’s is much much harder, just ask my sister.
I think you can share what your process is, why he is picking certain schools to apply to, but know that you are never going to change the personalities of those you share with. My mother was happy for anything I said about the process, wanted to know about the colleges we visited, but I knew it would immediately go to my sister and I’d hear 1000 reasons why this school or that school would be fine for my children but never for hers.
You can brag about all the schools he’s applying to, but really anyone can apply to a school. I wouldn’t mention it until he’s been admitted, but it’s up to you. I didn’t keep it a secret if anyone asked, but we really didn’t have a long list anyway. I liked talking to other parents and the kids about the search process and often did at sporting events or school events.
I’ve only had one set of inlaws apply to US schools so far. They have 3 kids who are in college or have just graduated. They said absolutely nothing about where the kids applied, even when asked directly, until they were accepted. Two of the kids attended a HYPSM and one attended the tier just below.
D16 is applying this year. She doesn’t even want to apply to the schools her cousins got into, even though she’s competitive. She doesn’t want the comparison. We’ll be keeping our lips sealed about where she’s applying until the acceptances are in and she has made a choice.
So true, LasMa. DD is graduating from college this year and she has shared with everyone that she’s going on to law school. The older members have their suggestions - “go to Harvard”, as if all she has to do is sign up.
Frankly, if you are inclined to brag, the time to do so would be after your child has been accepted, not when you are putting together the list of schools or during application season. Anyone can apply to HYPS or uber-selective schools. And discussing your student’s list sometimes opens one up to less than healthy interest and opinions. It can get tiresome very quickly.
No one can predict acceptances and spreading around that information just adds more pressure than necessary on your student. App season is stressful enough without everyone asking, “so, are you attending _______ (fill in the blank)?”
The only people who knew where my D applied were her grandparents (because they asked) and my good friend who has known her since 1st grade and had no dog in the hunt. She was just asking kindly and had talked to D about the schools in which she was most interested. She was the only friend I texted when D got into her first choice school and it was to celebrate that we were one and done.
D also told me that she disliked whenever adults asked her about colleges because they couldn’t think of anything else to talk to a H.S. senior about.
LOL @twoinanddone we have a little engineering competition thing going too, though it’s not my sister (whom I adore along with her child). More of a grand-parent thing. Totally get what you’re saying. And yes, unfortunately anything that is conveyed to Grandma is conveyed to everyone. Within 30 seconds of telling my mom my son’s ACT score (yes, HUGE mistake but I was so freaking excited I lost control) one of my siblings texted me about it.
Boy, you guys are helping me keep my head on straight. Thank you.
Did I say THANK YOU?!?! Sheesh what was I thinking!!!???
Not to pile on, @SouthFloridaMom9 , :), but I agree wholeheartedly with the prevailing sentiment. We shared basically no info with anyone, nor did my sons. They went to a super-competitive high school and always played their cards “close to the vest,” even with friends. It just isn’t worth the aggravation.
It’s funny… in my family no one hid anything… we all talked about where the kids applied, which schools they liked when they toured, and which they didn’t.
Perhaps we’re not a judgmental bunch, so no one worried about the family’s reaction to potential rejections.
My SIL learned from my mistake, BTW. When her oldest was a freshman in HS, she and I and Mom were sitting around the table, and Mom said, “So where does he think he might be applying?” SIL said, very pleasantly but very firmly, “We’re not talking about college until senior year.” I got the feeling that if Mom had tried to come at it from a different angle, SIL would have repeated the same sentence, robot-like, as many times as it took to end the line of questioning. Mom was NOT pleased, but she got the message and didn’t pursue it. I silently cheered.
@marian, LOL. Do you really know people tactless enough to ask that? If that came up, I’d encouraged D to respond, “I’ll share if you’ll tell me when you lost yours.” Too bad she doesn’t always take my advice.
I was so happy for April to come along as I was one of perhaps 600 Facebook friends with a mom who provided every detail of her daughter’s application process including being deferred by the dream school (NWU) and later rejected. Stories about checking the portal every hour, tears, special comfort foods, more tears, months of waiting, arrggh. The mom’s two older girls had been accepted by their ED schools so perhaps the mom wasn’t imagining what was going to happen. That mom has one more kid to go so hopefully the 600 friends won’t be so traumatized next time!
